Need advice! Splitting up!! - VeggieBoards

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#1 Old 05-30-2008, 07:17 AM
 
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Hi all, I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this but I really need advice/help.



I have been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years now and I haven't been happy for a while. I am going to leave him but the problem is that we have a house together and it could get VERY messy. I'm so worried about what he will say when I tell him I'm leaving. We have drifted apart and do not get on anymore. We barely talk, he says everything is fine but it's pretty obvious it's not. We want different things in life and I think it's cruel for me to prolong the inevitable.



I am trying to plan ahead for every eventuality but I know I can't. I don't know how he will react to this news. What do you think I should do? We bought a house together last year and I would like to sell it and split the money but what will I do if he has different ideas? I hate the thoughts of hurting him but I'm miserable at the moment and have been for months.
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#2 Old 05-30-2008, 10:02 AM
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i don't know where abouts you live, but if its the uk or ireland, you might want to go see someone at the CAB or Citizens Information about the practical financial stuff- untangling the house and your legal rights and responsibilities, before you speak to him. just cos its easier to have it all clear in your head and an idea of a plan in place before it all starts to unroll, so you're not playing catch-up with events as they happen.



i've never had the breakup chat before, but i'd assume its good to know what you want to say before you start, pick a time when you have time to talk about it properly, to try and be calm, objective, and not point blame, to let him speak too, to not get drawn into any kind of fight over it- (cos emotions will be high and thats the worst time for saying and doing stuff we later regret) and to give him time and space to get his head around it and collect himself emotionally when you're done.



are you worried about him lashing out and hurting you? hurting himself? if you're worried about yourself, it might be a good plan to have a few things in an overnight bag and a friends sofa reserved, just incase you feel like you need to stay someone else the first night, or incase he wants to not see you for a little while.



i'd also be aware about problems that could happen if you leave the property too- i expect you can judge whether or not he's likely to do something like change the locks or throw all your stuff out of the windows, though.
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#3 Old 06-03-2008, 03:34 AM
 
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Thanks so much for replying. Oh yeah I'm in Dublin, Ireland.

My head is all over the place at the moment. My mother advised I get legal advice before telling him too. I have been ringing around all morning trying to get information and make appointments to talk to a professional about the legal aspects of it. Nowhere seems to be free today or tomorrow. I think I'm going slightly insane. I will keep trying though.



That's a good idea about having an overnight bag packed. My best friend said I can go straight to her house if needed. I will probably ring my brother right after and ask him to come get me if I need to get out. I don't think my partner will hit me or try hurt himself but I am expecting him to get angry and either shout or walk away. He generally won't confront a problem, he digs his head in the sand. I want this to be resolved as amicably (if that's the right word) as possible. I don't want any nastiness coming into it. We want different things out of life and it's only fair, to both of us, if we split up.



I don't feel confused anymore, I definately want out of this relationship but I'm worried about what his reaction might be and I don't know what will happen with the house. It's going to be messy. I don't know if I have the strength to fight, I feel worn down. I will get some legal advice before I tell him. I have talked it all through with my best friend and my mam and I know what I need to do, I'm just worried about doing it!



I have my speech planned out but I know it won't happen that way!! I also have a day planned, Monday...after work...so I'm going to try stick to that.



Thanks again, I really appreciate the advice
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#4 Old 06-03-2008, 07:57 AM
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good luck with it all, and i hope it goes as smoothly as possible
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#5 Old 06-03-2008, 09:54 AM
 
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Good for you for doing what you know is best. As for the house issue, definitely seek out legal advice. Good luck with your plans.
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#6 Old 06-03-2008, 06:50 PM
 
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Well there are only three choices really:

1. keep the house, try to change the man, start drinking, be unhappy;

2. keep the house, don't talk to your man, start fooling around with someone else and wait until he breaks up with you;

3. leave him, forget the house, get ready for the mess and be prepared to clean the mess.



Anyway, you're gonna have to deal with it coz noone else is gonna do it for you.
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#7 Old 06-03-2008, 07:54 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by medusa View Post

Well there are only three choices really:

1. keep the house, try to change the man, start drinking, be unhappy;

2. keep the house, don't talk to your man, start fooling around with someone else and wait until he breaks up with you;

3. leave him, forget the house, get ready for the mess and be prepared to clean the mess.



Anyway, you're gonna have to deal with it coz noone else is gonna do it for you.





Wow. Just...wow.
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#8 Old 06-03-2008, 08:48 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by medusa View Post

Well there are only three choices really:

1. keep the house, try to change the man, start drinking, be unhappy;

2. keep the house, don't talk to your man, start fooling around with someone else and wait until he breaks up with you;

3. leave him, forget the house, get ready for the mess and be prepared to clean the mess.



Anyway, you're gonna have to deal with it coz noone else is gonna do it for you.





That is very discouraging advice!



And actually, splitting up doesn't always have to be a disaster.



My husband recently informed me that he wants a divorce and we are getting along better than we have in a looong time now.



I didn't think I wanted a divorce and I'm still not sure if I do or do not, but neither of us were happy. I realize that I can not change him no matter how I feel so I am going along with it and planning for the future. We are planning on our son (15 mo.) and I moving out in a few months once I can get a job and daycare secured. I have been a SAHM and part-time student for the last 9 months. I am leaving him with the house because I could never afford it, there is little to no equity as we only bought it 1 1/2 yrs ago and the market has since declined. So long as he doesn't try to keep everything and helps w/ our boy I will be fine with it.



Best of luck to you in sorting everything out!
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#9 Old 06-04-2008, 05:49 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SinisterMama View Post

That is very discouraging advice!







Why is that? I was writing down the possibilities she has (in my opinion), I didn't give her any advice. I think an objective view on the matter might help, after all, she wants to know what is there to do, or does she only want to "talk about it"?
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#10 Old 06-04-2008, 09:10 AM
 
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Medusa, you forgot some of the more positive options in your "list". What about talking to the bf and agreeing to an amicable split?

The ones I pity are the ones who never stick out their neck for something they believe, never know the taste of moral struggle, and never have the thrill of victory. - Jonathan Kozol
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#11 Old 06-04-2008, 09:33 AM
 
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I may have forgotten some things but certainly not that.

By reading I_M's posting it didn't seem an amiable agreement would come into question, she "sounds" all panicked.



But you might have missed the sarcasm in my posting, I was deliberately making the whole separation thing more dramatical than it needs to be.
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#12 Old 06-04-2008, 11:22 AM
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i got it medusa. id go with number #2, that sounds the most fun.
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#13 Old 06-09-2008, 03:15 AM
 
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Hi everyone! sorry I haven't posted in a while, I couldn't get online much lately. Thanks for the replies, support and advice. It's really appreciated.

I'm going to talk to my partner today, he was away over the weekend. I have what I want to say planned out but I don't think it will come out that way. I just hope it will be an amicable split. I will let you know how it goes. I know I'm doing the right thing because it would be cruel to both of us if I stayed with him, we would both be miserable.
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#14 Old 06-09-2008, 05:34 AM
 
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Good luck!!
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