friends with ex? - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 05-20-2003, 09:23 AM
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Sorry people i know i've already posted one thread on the topic but its pretty upsetting and right now i don't feel comfortable in confiding in anyone else.



Its hard enough delaing with the break up but i really have lost my best friend too. Things happen, other problems arrise and i want to call him :talk to him.



Were trying to be friends but its not working. Its probably too soon for friendship.





That rasies another question do you think you really can be friends with a ex? If so how, I mean I think i'll always have feelings for him.
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#2 Old 05-20-2003, 09:35 AM
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I think it is possible. I have pretty good relations with most of my exes.



One, in fact, I remained really close to after the break-up and still felt comfortable going to him with all my problems. Sadly, our friendship has recently dissolved due to other problems. :P



But still, I think you can have a great friendship with this guy. The fact that you have a history together only builds that bond.
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#3 Old 05-20-2003, 09:55 AM
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Give the transition some time. You need to seperate out the feelings that made you BF/GF, from the ones that made you best friends.

I have remained friends, to different degrees, with almost all my ex's, but first I had to walk away for a little while to settle down all those bad feelings that came along with breaking up with them.

Are you guys at the point in your relationship where it's okay for each of you to start seeing other people without jealousy? I think the biggest shift that takes place in going from a relationship to friendship is when it becomes okay, and even encouraged, for the other person to seek his or her happiness independent of what your needs and wants are. It's more of an unconditional love, something that your ego's not so wrapped up in.
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#4 Old 05-20-2003, 09:55 AM
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It's horrible, I know. I always miss the friendships I have with my exes above anything.



I think you canbe friends someday, but I think it can't happen until you have spent a long enough time away from each other (completely away) that you have moved on. There will always be some kind of special feeling, but until being friends with him isn't just going to hurt you and keep your hopes up and keep you from moving on, I don't think a person can.



When it comes to getting over someone, take the bandaid approach, it's better to just quickly rip it off, then to slowly keep peeling and messing with it.
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#5 Old 05-20-2003, 09:57 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by CharityAJO

I think it is possible. I have pretty good relations with most of my exes.



One, in fact, I remained really close to after the break-up and still felt comfortable going to him with all my problems. Sadly, our friendship has recently dissolved due to other problems. :P



But still, I think you can have a great friendship with this guy. The fact that you have a history together only builds that bond.



but how?



I mean how long do you wait?



Do you discuss future s.o with them?



With my current ex i can't imagine ever not having feelings for them, so what do i do?
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#6 Old 05-20-2003, 10:15 AM
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Well, I've never remained friends with an ex, but then, I haven't had many ex-s.



I would say, if you "can't imagine ever not having feelings for them", it's too soon to contemplate being friends.



And you definitely don't want to do the we're-friends-but-we-sleep-together thing. I do have experience with that, and it sucks if you still have feelings for the person. Even if s/he tells you that you're not going to get back together, there's always that hope, and it's a killer.
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#7 Old 05-20-2003, 11:00 AM
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I'm currently friends with an ex that I dated two years ago.



Of course, this was after a year of total separation.





I think its almost impossible to be friends immediately after a break-up. You need time to re-organize your boundaries and feelings. Otherwise, they can get trampled on.





You will have to have VERY CLEAR boundaries. I can't reiterate that enough.





Take some time for yourself and get your head clear about your relationship. It took me a year before I could see him again.
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#8 Old 05-20-2003, 11:09 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by blueserendipity

but how?



I mean how long do you wait?



Do you discuss future s.o with them?



With my current ex i can't imagine ever not having feelings for them, so what do i do?

I understand what you mean. I am on friendly terms with my exes, but in no way are we as close as before, for the reasons you mentioned. There are always things I avoid bringing up or get nervous talking about. A normal friendship shouldn't be like this. I think it takes a special pair of people to ever have a completely "normal" friendship after the breakup.
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#9 Old 05-20-2003, 11:44 AM
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absolutely. especially if you are friends prior to the relationship. i am friends, and by that, good friends, with three x's. we talk about current relationships,crushes, etc no problem. My absolute best friend in the entire world who has practically become my family is an ex. at first, especially if you take no break from eachother, there will be feelings and jealousy but in my case those feelings eventually faded into just the love i have for that person as a good friend. I think if the friendship is strong enough it can easily survive those initial feelings. only with these situations i was good friends with each guy prior to the relationship. the few boyfriends ive had where we just started of dating and then progressed into a relationship, im not friends with, although, provided it wasnt an ugly ending, we tried. good luck.

‎"I just think there's something in being lost. I never feel lost. I just think, 'Oh. I've taken a diversion'." ~ Karl Pilkington
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#10 Old 05-20-2003, 11:54 AM
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it can be a problem when it comes to new relationships. the new girlfriend and your new boyfriend will not be too happy about your friendship no matter how innocent it is. it is pretty tough to do once the new people come into the picture but it can still be done.

also what thalia said. there will be awkwardness at certain conversations for a bit.

anyway i hope everything works out well for you guys. im sure it will.

‎"I just think there's something in being lost. I never feel lost. I just think, 'Oh. I've taken a diversion'." ~ Karl Pilkington
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#11 Old 05-20-2003, 04:12 PM
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I dated a guy for three years. We had a great relathionship but it just didn't seem 'right' to me. He was more like a brother. I would love to hang out with him but when the time came when he would kiss me goodnight and in my head I would be thinking 'when the heck is he going to stop kissing me and leave' I knew it was over.



We didn't talk for a few months so we could sort things out. 4 years later, we are now pretty good friends. He approves of and enjoys talking with my finace and he is constantly telling me stories about his dating blunders.



He is a good guy and I am glad that we didn't loose our friendship. It does take time to get over things however. I'm not sure how it would have worked out if we would have tried being friends right away. It would have been strange.
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#12 Old 05-20-2003, 04:59 PM
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it's possible for sure, but you gotta give it some time.



my best friend /sometime lover (heh) is well, still my best friend. but that's a special relationship i can't even begin to explain.



i consider my first boyfriend to be an awsome friend now. granted, we didnt really talk for a year. i was living in the same house with him and my then so called 'boyfriend' so there was jealousy and hatred and some weird little circle. just not a good situation.



i was a complete bitch to him and felt really really bad finally. we had severed all ties and i had to go thru a bunch of people to finally find his email address (he had moved and gone to south america and back again) so i got that and told him to call me and we had a long conversation. thank god i tol dhim i was sorry because there was no reason for being enemies. i finally saw him in november. i flew to where he was living to see him and it was great. needless to say we are great friends. we talk every week and all that jazz, and i'm grateful for that.



granted, we didnt date that long but we were able to have that friendship before we started dating (which wich other relationships we have just gone right into boyfriend/girlfriend).



there's one 'ex' i don't talk to and wish was dead.



the ahem, older gentleman i dated and i still talk...but i think there is some weirdness there. it was a very sexual relationship and i think from his point of view, that he would rather be pardon me, f-cking me instead of just hanging out with me. that whole older guy/younger woman thing was a big ego boost for him i know. we are still friends and we actually dated for a significant amount of time, and he's a great guy.



my most current ex..we were really, really serious despite not dating for very long. we were talking marriage and all that jazz and all the sudden broke up. and it sucked. and i was bitter towards him. i finally talked to him about how upset i was about things and whew...we're friends again. and it feels great. because i couldnt look at him without hating him for a while.



so yeah, it's possible..but you two really need to TALK! you have no idea how much it helps. and i mean really talk...i have had 6-7 hour long conversations that sure, get pretty damn repetitive but sometimes you gotta do it.



you can have that platonic friendship. sure it's hard if you were really serious and /or were in love, were sexually involved...and you'll always remember that and probably long for it at times, but just know you guys arent right for eachother and laugh about it. realize friendship is the way to go.
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#13 Old 05-20-2003, 05:03 PM
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This is something I'm going through right now, actually. I would like to be able to stay friends with Jerry, because we have a lot in common and we had a lot of fun together, but it will require a complete overhaul in my view of him before I can be around him without being in pain.



It's just going to take time. After we finish tying up some loose ends (stuff of his at my apartment, etc.), we're going to go no-contact for awhile.



Maybe someday we can be friends, but not right now.



Don't push yourself...a friendship won't work until you no longer view him romantically. A friendship won't work if you're jealous of a new love in his life.



Give yourself time and space to move on with your life, and try it later on. *hugs*

We see the world as "we" are, not as "it" is; because it is the "I" behind the "eye" that does the seeing.
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