Recent Break Up Over Hunting... - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 04-16-2012, 05:14 PM
 
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Yesterday I talked to my girlfriend (now ex) after she got back from a trip to a friend's ranch. One of the first things she said to me was "I went hunting today" after which I basically blew up. She didn't actually shoot anything but the fact that she did it and did not care that I was upset put me in a position where I felt I had to break up with her. She had never hunted before but it seems like it didn't even cross her mind I would be angry about it. Like I said, she did not care and would not apologize for it saying it's her life. I agree that it is her life but we were in a long term relationship and I would have thought that my strong feelings about her not doing that would have had some influence.

It was extremely difficult break up with her because we had been dating for what would have been 4 years this Thursday. I have been a vegetarian since we started dating and she was good about not eating meat around me for the most part. I've tried talking to people like my parents and sister (none of which are vegetarian) but they all seem to think I over reacted about the whole thing. I don't think they understand how strongly I feel about it and that goes for my ex-girlfriend as well. Was I wrong in breaking up with her? Is it wrong to expect a boyfriend/girlfriend not to do things if they don't believe in the reasoning behind it, even if it upsets who they are dating?

Although I think I am right, I would like to hear honest opinions from people who might have similar views.

Thanks,
Chris
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#2 Old 04-16-2012, 05:22 PM
 
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Your 1st post to a forum is trying to get opinions about ending your 4 year relationship because your GF went with her friends and accompanied them on a hunting trip in which she didn't actually hunt?!?!

My honest opinion is she is better off without you.
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#3 Old 04-16-2012, 05:23 PM
 
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I would do the same thing. I know it is hard to break up, but consider yourself lucky you didn't marry and have any kids with this person.

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#4 Old 04-16-2012, 05:24 PM
 
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My honest opinion is she is better off without you.

Way to be supportive.

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#5 Old 04-16-2012, 05:33 PM
 
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Your 1st post to a forum is trying to get opinions about ending your 4 year relationship because your GF went with her friends and accompanied them on a hunting trip in which she didn't actually hunt?!?!

My honest opinion is she is better off without you.

Well I appreciate the honest opinion. The whole reason I joined the forum was because I wanted the opinion of people who had similar values. Can't say that was the warmest welcome... And no she didn't kill anything but she would do it again which means that she doesn't respect how I feel about it.
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#6 Old 04-16-2012, 05:40 PM
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I think you were likely right to break up with her, but I agree with her.

Since that sounds contradictory I'll explain. It sounds as though she had no conscious intention to go veggie, and it sounds like you seem to have known that and since you could never accept it your relationship was destined to fail eventually. You just finally reached the outcome.
Going hunting is just one less animal that spends its life in a torture chamber fed on diseased animal waste and cannibalizing members of its own species unwittingly. Part of the reason so many people totally devalue animals is because they have no part in killing and butchering them. Peoples first time hunting is more of an exploration of humanity than food-getting.
For a long time before I became a strict vegetarian, or even honestly considered it, I was willing to admit that if I had to kill my own meat I'd likely become veggie eventually. I'm glad I consciously knew that because I never had to test it by murdering a deer. She was lerning her place in the world- maybe she'll stay omni, maybe not, maybe she'll respect animals more, maybe not. But if you cant tolerate her exploration of herself its likely better for both of you to be apart.

Perhaps its true that she doesnt respect how you feel about it, but do you respect how she feels?

The above opinion is brought to you by a hippie that would only hunt in the advent of nuclear apocalypse and imminent starvation.
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#7 Old 04-16-2012, 05:47 PM
 
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Perhaps its true that she doesnt respect how you feel about it, but do you respect how she feels?

Why should he? Would you ask this of someone who found out they were dating a pedophile who decided to "learn their place in the world" by watching some child porn?

And no, for the thousandth time, that isn't equating hunters with pedophiles. It is illustrating why people who have a moral objection to harming others aren't obligated to respect those who don't have that same moral objection.

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#8 Old 04-16-2012, 05:51 PM
 
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I think initially ...as I work through this formulating a response...that you are overreacting.
*With all due respect, I promise.*
You were ok with her eating meat (on occasion? Regularly?). And she didnt shoot anything, she accompanied her friends, thereby supporting their intention, but didn't actually "hunt." Has she gone veg with you, or does she still eat meat and support your beliefs by understanding your veg'ism?
I see that you would feel completely dishonored when she flippantly, antagonistically threw that, "yo, I went hunting today. What do you think about that? Huh?" As if she didn't know how you'd feel and react. After 4 years, she would know.
But maybe she felt guilty about it and needed to get it off her chest.
if you feel so strongly about it, maybe this was a good thing, because you will only be happy being with someone who has and lives the same ethics/values. Which is absolutely acceptable and normal.

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#9 Old 04-16-2012, 05:55 PM
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Originally Posted by SomebodyElse View Post

Why should he?

Why should someone respect their girlfriend? Your joking right?
Respecting doesnt mean condoning, it means respecting.
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...for the thousandth time, that isn't equating hunters with pedophiles.

If you've personally equated hunters with pedophiles a thousand times I suspect your issues require their own thread.
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#10 Old 04-16-2012, 05:55 PM
 
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Also, you are ok with her eating meat away from you, and she was "good about" not eating it in front of you. Well, would she have "gone hunting" if you'd been there? If not, I don't see what the difference is, if u r ok with her eating meat away from you.
Again, I welcome you to this forum, and am happy to be a sounding board and source of feedback.

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#11 Old 04-16-2012, 05:58 PM
 
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Originally Posted by jentlytread View Post

You were ok with her eating meat (on occasion? Regularly?). And she didnt shoot anything, she accompanied her friends, thereby supporting their intention, but didn't actually "hunt." Has she gone veg with you, or does she still eat meat and support your beliefs by understanding your veg'ism?


She definitely never tried to convince me to quit being veg. She was veg around me out of kindness. On the other hand she never agreed with me on issues regarding to animal cruelty. The only meat she would not eat was pork only because she thinks pigs are adorable.
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#12 Old 04-16-2012, 06:03 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Christofu View Post

Yesterday I talked to my girlfriend (now ex) after she got back from a trip to a friend's ranch. One of the first things she said to me was "I went hunting today" after which I basically blew up. She didn't actually shoot anything but the fact that she did it and did not care that I was upset put me in a position where I felt I had to break up with her. She had never hunted before but it seems like it didn't even cross her mind I would be angry about it. Like I said, she did not care and would not apologize for it saying it's her life. I agree that it is her life but we were in a long term relationship and I would have thought that my strong feelings about her not doing that would have had some influence.

It was extremely difficult break up with her because we had been dating for what would have been 4 years this Thursday. I have been a vegetarian since we started dating and she was good about not eating meat around me for the most part. I've tried talking to people like my parents and sister (none of which are vegetarian) but they all seem to think I over reacted about the whole thing. I don't think they understand how strongly I feel about it and that goes for my ex-girlfriend as well. Was I wrong in breaking up with her? Is it wrong to expect a boyfriend/girlfriend not to do things if they don't believe in the reasoning behind it, even if it upsets who they are dating?

Although I think I am right, I would like to hear honest opinions from people who might have similar views.

Thanks,
Chris

There's absolutely nothing wrong with breaking up with her over that reason.

But I think a better reason to break up is:
"her ethical values are too different from mine"

And the worse reason is:
"I am in a relationship with her, and this particular issue X is important to me, so I expect her not to do X and to apologize if she does"

So, I think that it is true that you shouldn't expect your partner to give up something in her own life, just for you, if it's not affecting you directly, for the sake of your feelings. However, what is also true, is that it's entirely reasonable to expect someone to not participate in something unethical. If she saw you participating in something she saw as very unethical, such as stealing from others, she might have broken up with you for that reason.

So, again, to sum up, my take is that you can't expect people to act in a certain way because it's important to you. But you can expect them to act in a certain way because it's the right thing to do.

Do you see the difference between the two reasons I'm making? One is about being considerate about your feelings; the other is about being considerate of animals.

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#13 Old 04-16-2012, 06:05 PM
 
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Also, you are ok with her eating meat away from you, and she was "good about" not eating it in front of you. Well, would she have "gone hunting" if you'd been there? If not, I don't see what the difference is, if u r ok with her eating meat away from you.
Again, I welcome you to this forum, and am happy to be a sounding board and source of feedback.

Well the difference I saw between her eating meat and hunting is that she had a disconnect with the food she ate being an animal. I don't necessarily blame her for not being able to associate meat bought at a grocery store with animals that she didn't have to see die. With the hunting issue, I couldn't believe that she would be willing to take an animals life before her very eyes.
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#14 Old 04-16-2012, 06:06 PM
 
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I don't believe I would be able to stay with a hunter. The disconnect or lack of conscience of someone who could willingly and unnecessary snuff out someone's life is very disturbing to me. Imagine being the cause of some animal's last moment on earth, seeing the life go from their eyes...for sport and possibly a meal that would have been just fine without the death. So callous and selfish, when there are other options available to someone. It would be easier for me to be with someone who perhaps hadn't yet made the emotional connection with a pack of meat and a living animal (I would give them a little time to be educated, which I would do) than someone who consciously ripped someone's life away with their own actions.

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#15 Old 04-16-2012, 06:09 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Sevenseas View Post

There's absolutely nothing wrong with breaking up with her over that reason.

But I think a better reason to break up is:
"her ethical values are too different from mine"

And the worse reason is:
"I am in a relationship with her, and this particular issue X is important to me, so I expect her not to do X and to apologize if she does"

So, I think that it is true that you shouldn't expect your partner to give up something in her own life, just for you, if it's not affecting you directly, for the sake of your feelings. However, what is also true, is that it's entirely reasonable to expect someone to not participate in something unethical. If she saw you participating in something she saw as very unethical, such as stealing from others, she might have broken up with you for that reason.

So, again, to sum up, my take is that you can't expect people to act in a certain way because it's important to you. But you can expect them to act in a certain way because it's the right thing to do.

Do you see the difference between the two reasons I'm making? One is about being considerate about your feelings; the other is about being considerate of animals.

Your totally right. That makes sense, thank you.
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#16 Old 04-16-2012, 06:12 PM
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Well the difference I saw between her eating meat and hunting is that she had a disconnect with the food she ate being an animal. I don't necessarily blame her for not being able to associate meat bought at a grocery store with animals that she didn't have to see die. With the hunting issue, I couldn't believe that she would be willing to take an animals life before her very eyes.

Well, she can, obviously, so move on. Next time, get a vegetarian girlfriend and you'll only have to disagree about who does the dishes.

It is our choices that show what we truly are far more than our abilities. ~A. Dumbledore
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#17 Old 04-16-2012, 06:32 PM
 
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Well the difference I saw between her eating meat and hunting is that she had a disconnect with the food she ate being an animal. I don't necessarily blame her for not being able to associate meat bought at a grocery store with animals that she didn't have to see die. With the hunting issue, I couldn't believe that she would be willing to take an animals life before her very eyes.

I can I understand that, not that you explain it...valid point.

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#18 Old 04-16-2012, 07:09 PM
 
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agreed with Auxin.
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#19 Old 04-16-2012, 09:29 PM
 
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I think you need to sit down and think about what is really important to you. It seems to bother you a lot that she went out on a hunting party. If it is important to you to date someone who has similar views in respect to those sorts of things, then I think it is perfectly fine to wait for a person with similar views to come along : ) . Otherwise you are just settling.

From what I have experienced in relationships, when something really, really bothers you on that level, even if it is something stupid like them having a beard you cant stand or something, things are not going to be good from that point on. And they will probably have similar objections. When there are things you cant get past, it can be quite the romance killer.
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#20 Old 04-16-2012, 09:51 PM
 
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Well the difference I saw between her eating meat and hunting is that she had a disconnect with the food she ate being an animal. I don't necessarily blame her for not being able to associate meat bought at a grocery store with animals that she didn't have to see die. With the hunting issue, I couldn't believe that she would be willing to take an animals life before her very eyes.

You're absolutely right about that. Hunting is one giant step further entrenched in disconnection. I would've reached the same conclusion about this relationship as you.

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#21 Old 04-16-2012, 10:15 PM
 
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I don't believe I would be able to stay with a hunter. The disconnect or lack of conscience of someone who could willingly and unnecessary snuff out someone's life is very disturbing to me. Imagine being the cause of some animal's last moment on earth, seeing the life go from their eyes...for sport and possibly a meal that would have been just fine without the death. So callous and selfish, when there are other options available to someone. It would be easier for me to be with someone who perhaps hadn't yet made the emotional connection with a pack of meat and a living animal (I would give them a little time to be educated, which I would do) than someone who consciously ripped someone's life away with their own actions.


This is exactly how I feel. My husband still eats meat (unfortunately), but I would NEVER stay with him if he decided to start hunting. I'm hoping and praying that I will influence him enough some day to give up meat. He's worth it as a person.
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#22 Old 04-16-2012, 10:30 PM
 
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This is exactly how I feel. My husband still eats meat (unfortunately), but I would NEVER stay with him if he decided to start hunting. I'm hoping and praying that I will influence him enough some day to give up meat. He's worth it as a person.

Can you show him Earthlings?

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#23 Old 04-17-2012, 02:01 AM
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Although I think I am right, I would like to hear honest opinions from people who might have similar views.

Thanks,
Chris

Hi Chris,

How any one could think it is wrong to break up with some one who is not compatible baffles me.

You done a good thing matey.

She will be happier with a better moral match, when she finds one. So will you.
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#24 Old 04-17-2012, 03:41 AM
 
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My honest opinion is she is better off without you.

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My honest opinion is she is better off without you.

How original

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#25 Old 04-17-2012, 03:41 AM
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My honest opinion is she is better off without you.

On the basis that low lifes are better off with other low lifes I agree.

A quick search on the duff 'avatar' link in your post suggests that you are a trouble maker banned from other forums Jackson?
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#26 Old 04-17-2012, 04:57 AM
 
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I think there are kind of two issues here.

The first is that it sounds like you handled your reaction badly, and your break up badly. From your girlfriends point of veiw, you knew she didn't believe it was wrong to kill animals, she goes along to a hunt (which to her, is probally no different from eating meat, which you know she does) and you blow up at her and end a 4 year relationship over it. Personally, I think that doesn't sound like a mature way to handle a problem in a relationship. What's done is done now, but I think she would probally appreciate you having a calm discussion about it, and explaining your point of veiw.

The second is that your beliefs were different to your girlfriends, and you found that incompatible. There's nothing wrong with wanting to end a relationship because of that, but to me it does seem wrong to insist somebody abides by your beliefs. So I think saying "I'm sorry but I don't think I can be in a relationship with a hunter" is fine but saing "Your my girlfriend, so you shouldn't hunt, because I don't want you to" isn't. I think sevenseas said it better, but hopefully that makes sense.

That said, it sounds like you made your decision very quickly and implusivly - maybe you should have a think about it some more too. You might end up thinking you acted rashly and regretting your decision, or you might end up realising you should have picked up on your differences sooner and you weren't right for a long term realtionship, but whichever it is I think it probally deserves some thought... and then a proper explaination to your (probally very confused) ex too.
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#27 Old 04-17-2012, 06:28 AM
 
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I don't believe I would be able to stay with a hunter. The disconnect or lack of conscience of someone who could willingly and unnecessary snuff out someone's life is very disturbing to me. Imagine being the cause of some animal's last moment on earth, seeing the life go from their eyes...for sport and possibly a meal that would have been just fine without the death. So callous and selfish, when there are other options available to someone. It would be easier for me to be with someone who perhaps hadn't yet made the emotional connection with a pack of meat and a living animal (I would give them a little time to be educated, which I would do) than someone who consciously ripped someone's life away with their own actions.

Agreed. I will never understand that "high" hunters experience when shooting an innocent creature. I find it overwhelmingly disturbing.
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#28 Old 04-17-2012, 07:34 AM
 
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I have been in a similar position, but...kind of in the reverse way. Back when I ate meat, I started dating a hunter. I had a hard time accepting his hunting, but, as a meat-eater, I thought it would be inconsistent of me to have a problem with his killing animals, when I paid someone to kill animals so that I could eat them. So I stuck with him. But it's one thing to know something and another to actually experience it. He and I started dating in June, but it wasn't until October when the hunting season started that I was actually exposed to dead bodies hanging in the garage and rifles sitting by the door, and entering contests for the biggest antlers gotten, etc that the knowledge of his killing animals really sunk in, ya know? And that's what pushed me towards vegaism. So even if you knew your gf was ok with eating animals, you didn't *really* know she was ok with killing them. I'm guessing part of you deep down was hoping she would someday see the light as you did. I know that's how I (foolishly) thought regarding my ex. I STILL have a hard time comprehending how anyone would be ok with willingly and unecessarily killing animals, but, it seems, there are people like that out there.

Based on my personal experience, I believe you did a good decision by ending the relationship. Trust your initial reaction! You can spend coutnless hours thinking things over and manage to "rationalize" your feelings by forcing yourself to see it differently, trust me, it's doable. But you know this won't be the last instance she does something that ends up hurting you regarding your beliefs. And you can't say it's something that she couldn't have avoided because she didn't know better. After 4 years, she should have known you well enough to know that by making that decesion, she would end up hurting you. And eventually, if you have to "rationalize" your feelings/reaction time after time, it will end in resentment. I've been there, it sucks! I spent SO long doing that and now that we're finally over, ...I have no respect left for him whatsoever, and nothing but hatred towards him. Which is poison! I wish I could let it go. So if you were able to snip it in the bud, good for you!!

Here's a way I compare it to:

Some people are ok with open relationships/want to be in one. Some people are completely against being intimate with more than one person. They think it's morally wrong. It's like you went into a relationship with her knowing you were against being in an open relationship and she went off and "cheated" on you anyway, with her only defense being "well you knew that's the kind of person I was right from the beginning". Lol, this comparison seemed so much better in my head! I know a lot of people will desagree with this. But hey!

I think what Sevenseas wrote made a lot of sense and was very good advice (he was the first person to reply to the first post I made on these boards, which was regarding my relationship at the time ). However, I don't think the distinction between his two points is as black and white as he puts it. For someone to commit an action that you perceive as unethical will inadvertently affect you on a personal level. Always. No matter how you try to change your approach on how you think about it. You can't completely divorce your feelings from something you feel so strongly about!
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#29 Old 04-17-2012, 08:50 AM
 
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Your feelings are genuine and natural. No one should tell you how to feel or that how you are feeling is wrong. You FEEL hurt and betrayed and that is OK to feel that way. Why did she have to tell you in the first place? She knew it would just upset you. What was her objective in telling you? And, I don't want to hear from anyone about honesty in a relationship. I have been married (happily) for 27+ years, and I would not have told him something like this that I know would only devastate him, just to ease my conscience. JMO

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#30 Old 04-17-2012, 09:12 AM
 
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The only meat she would not eat was pork only because she thinks pigs are adorable.

This would fit nicely in the "stupid things omnivores say" thread.

I think my boyfriend is adorable, therefore I refuse to cannibalize him.

Sorry, couldn't resist.

You must be the change you wish to see in the world. - Gandhi

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