Terminally ill dad - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 01-31-2012, 08:37 AM
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I was just curious what other would think of my situation. To explain:

A little over 2 years ago my father was diagnosed as terminally ill (ie COPD, fibrosis of the lungs, and emphysema)
He was a terrible father. He manipulated me as a small child to hate my mother and behave badly in school. I didn't start having a healthy relationship with my mom until I was 16. He moved to AZ when I was 8; said it was my mom's fault. Was emotionally and physically abusive to my only fully biological brother. He found out he had 2 illegitimate sons much older than me, and goes out of his way to see them. He has seen me once in 10 years. He still denies all of his wrong doings and blames my mother.

How sad should I be that he's dying? Is it wrong that I don't feel very upset?
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#2 Old 01-31-2012, 09:20 AM
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It's a complex issue to be sure. My mother was abusive on more levels than I am comfortable even talking about here, but now that she is 82 years-old and has Alzheimer's I've been left in a position to be caregiver for her. I don't have any answers for you, but know that you are not alone.
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#3 Old 01-31-2012, 03:09 PM
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That's right. You're not alone. And remember: your self-worth is completely independent of your blood lines.

"There is more wisdom in the song of a bird, than in the speech of a philosopher...." -Oahspe
"The thing is, you cannot judge a race. Any man who judges by the group is a pea-wit. You take men one at a time." -Buster Kilrain, The Killer Angels -Michael Shaara
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#4 Old 01-31-2012, 03:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Capstan View Post

That's right. You're not alone. And remember: your self-worth is completely independent of your blood lines.

Your family is completely independent of your blood lines, too. That is, the people in your life (friends, neighbours, fellow church/synangog/temple/etc). can be just as much family as your blood family is.

Anytime I think I'm perfect, I remember that my cousin lives on an island, and I've never walked over to visit her.
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#5 Old 01-31-2012, 04:30 PM
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Originally Posted by lovelyveggiechik View Post

How sad should I be that he's dying? Is it wrong that I don't feel very upset?

I can't tell you how sad you should be, but I don't think it's wrong that you don't feel very upset. When we are upset about people dying, we're upset for ourselves and for those left behind, and for any pain and suffering the person may endure during the process. It sounds like he didn't have a hugely positive impact on your life, or the lives of your loved ones, which is probably why you are feeling the way you do.
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#6 Old 01-31-2012, 04:52 PM
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I can't tell you how sad you should be, but I don't think it's wrong that you don't feel very upset. When we are upset about people dying, we're upset for ourselves and for those left behind, and for any pain and suffering the person may endure during the process. It sounds like he didn't have a hugely positive impact on your life, or the lives of your loved ones, which is probably why you are feeling the way you do.



I haven't been in this kind of situation, but I'm sorry you're going through this.

Enjoying the view over at http://forum.veggieviews.com/

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#7 Old 01-31-2012, 07:37 PM
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I really appreciate the feedback. I was just wondering. I still talk to him (today in fact). He's more of a fair-weather friend than a dad. My "parents" are my mom and step dad. I'm very happy with that reality.
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#8 Old 02-01-2012, 03:25 AM
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My relationship with my father is not as bad as all that, but it's not great either. I reached a point in my adulthood where I decided I could live with just being friendly and civil toward him, even if we were never super close. I have friends I love like family, that's enough. My father is a good man for all his flaws. Whatever level allows you to feel at peace with yourself is fine.
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