Are some people just not meant to be in relationships? - VeggieBoards - A Vegetarian Community
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#1 Old 12-23-2011, 09:32 PM
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I'm pondering the idea that there are some people who just are meant to be alone.

I'm thinking maybe I'm one of these people. I need quite a bit of personal space and not many men can give that to me. Even if I care deeply for the guy, I still need boundaries and even more so than most people. I work full time and I go to school full time so trying to give a guy time is hard.

Becoming a mother has strengthened this trait of mine. I don't want anybody telling me how to raise my children or trying to run my household. I've been told by a few men that I "emasculate" them and they feel like they are not needed. I'd rather have my own space than share my space with another. I've pushed away some really amazing guys these past few years.

Aren't we as human beings supposed to want companionship?
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#2 Old 12-24-2011, 12:24 AM
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I need quite a bit of personal space and not many men can give that to me.

Once you find a guy who will, you will find your companion. Very likely, said guy will also need quite a bit of personal space.
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#3 Old 12-24-2011, 01:11 AM
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YES. i do believe some people like it better being alone. Or seeking companionship from time to time but then going back to solitude. I myself like alot of space for me and my GF knows this. That doesn't mean we don't have any quality time it's just not every minute of everyday.

but you're not really alone right. you've got a little boy/girl to take care of and you've got you're social network at work and school and the people here on this board.


Once you 're comfortable with the fact that you could very well be alone for the rest of your life you'll see that some random guy pops up and respects your wishes and boundaries.
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#4 Old 12-24-2011, 02:25 AM
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I have a daughter who is 36 and single...she often says the longer she goes it alone, the harder it will be to commit to having a serious relationship with someone. She is so used to doing what she wants, when she wants and not having to answer to anyone. Not saying this is good or bad, just that she is accustomed/comfortable with where she's at.
Of course, the hopeless romantic in me feels that if she met the right person, she wouldn't feel that way. I think she misses the companionship part of it, but at the same time, wants to keep a part of her independence.

I do wonder, though, if this particular trait is something that is just there, or if it is something that is unintentionally nurtured by events that occur while a person is growing up.

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#5 Old 12-24-2011, 07:19 AM
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Nothing wrong with wanting a lot of personal space and freedom and they are not mutually exclusive to relationships.

When I need some space I disappear into the garage. I also have a small den that's mostly mine.
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#6 Old 12-24-2011, 08:14 AM
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Originally Posted by Nera View Post

I'm thinking maybe I'm one of these people. I need quite a bit of personal space and not many men can give that to me. Even if I care deeply for the guy, I still need boundaries and even more so than most people. I work full time and I go to school full time so trying to give a guy time is hard.

i need lots of space too. i also have a lot of sleeping issues (insomnia coupled with light sleep) so i can't share a bed with someone for more than a few nights before lack of sleep makes me unable to function. i'm not alone though. i have a few cats living with me and they are more companionship than i need.
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#7 Old 12-24-2011, 09:21 AM
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yes, i think some people are better off single and feel worse in a relationship. my roommate who lived with me for years tells me that i always look sad, stressed and unhappy when dating and it changes right after the break up to the positive.
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#8 Old 12-24-2011, 09:54 AM
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I am a person who should not be in a relationship, and that's as much for the benefit of the other party as it is for me. It took me quite a few years to figure out that I'm just not relationship material, and to be honest I give myself a pat on the back for realizing that. I'll never subject anyone else to my personal baggage again. I've had all the therapy I can stand, and at this point if I'm still broken at 49 I'm not likely to be put back together again anytime soon. That's not to say that I'm all sad and pathetic about it though. I've had great friends to share my life with, people I genuinely love, and people I can share physical intimacy with as well. I'm quite happy with what I've got actually.
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#9 Old 12-24-2011, 09:59 AM
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I think some people aren't meant to be in relationships, and maybe some people just aren't ready to be in a long-term relationship until a certain point in their lives. I think society really stresses the white picket fence thing and getting married and settling down and all that, but I think each individual is different and just has to find what works for them.
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#10 Old 12-24-2011, 10:37 AM
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I do think that there are people who aren't meant for serious relationships. Whether or not you are one of those people is beyond my knowledge, but some people don't seem to be cut out for them. You should do what's right for you, what you really want to do, and not what society says is the right way to have relationships.
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#11 Old 12-24-2011, 12:07 PM
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#12 Old 12-24-2011, 02:08 PM
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Originally Posted by karenlovessnow View Post

Of course, the hopeless romantic in me feels that if she met the right person, she wouldn't feel that way. I think she misses the companionship part of it, but at the same time, wants to keep a part of her independence.

I wish that some of my single friends could meet nice people too even though I'm not really romantic. I don't think there is anything wrong with people being single though if they are comfortable with that lifestyle.
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#13 Old 12-24-2011, 04:11 PM
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I don't think there is anything wrong with people being single though if they are comfortable with that lifestyle.

Exactly. I think it's great when people are in tune with themselves and know what they want/need.

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#14 Old 12-24-2011, 05:23 PM
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Are some people "supposed" to be single???
I'm asking myself that same question.
I'm single now, and I worry about my future.
Will I always be able to take care of myself for the rest of my life.
Is the sacrifice of living along worth it?

I'm 30 years old. I'm turning 31 next month.

When I am single:
*I dream at night
*I daydream during the day, I keep a running "movie" in my head.
*I am a healthy weight
*I sleep soundly
*I laugh at movies and YouTube videos daily
*I laugh at my cats
*I have great conversations with blood-relatives several times a week.
*I have a healthy libido, and an "adult" collection that would make a sailor blush
*I am able to support myself financially, with just enough left over for a few fun things.
*I find simple things fun. I like reading, playing video games, hanging out online, listening to music (while daydreaming), I like trying new (and risky) recipes. I watch "kid's cartoons" like Phineas and Ferb, Spongebob, and Disney movies. (Edited to add: I watch plenty of normal adult movies, too. The point is that as a single person, I am free to watch anything I want...even the silly stuff)
*I truly believe that I am an attractive and intelligent person. And, I actually am attractive and intelligent. I'm good at what I do, and a lot of women my age are far worse off physically...for one reason or another.
*I like my job. I take pride in my work, and I see myself going places.
*I'm... happy.

When I am in a relationship:
*I don't dream... or even daydream.
*I gain weight... A lot of weight, despite reducing calories.
*I don't seem to get a full nights sleep. The other person has needs.
*I don't laugh at things. I'll respond "That's funny" but not actually laugh.
*My pets become stressful. I worry about all the ways they annoy the other person, and taking care of then is a dreadful chore.
*I lose contact with other people I care about. I just don't feel like talking, and have no need for the contact. My Mom calls once a week to make sure I'm not dead. I lose friends.
*I lose interest in sex. I don't even "do it myself" anymore. Subscriptions get cancelled, and I dry up. Sex becomes a chore.
*There is never enough money to maintain any standard of living. I'm always making payment arrangements and eating super-cheap dinners like rice, noodles, and instant potatoes. I've returned groceries to buy gas for the car.
*I cry a lot. When any little thing goes wrong, I feel devastated and I cry. I hate crying, but I do it every other day.
*I don't seem to have time to do anything fun. If I watch any TV, it's from the kitchen, laundry room, or someplace other than the sofa. I always have to "catch-up" while single. I finally watched the fourth Harry Potter last week!!!
*I begin to see myself as an unattractive, unintelligent person. I feel grateful that someone...anyone is willing to be my boyfriend/girlfriend. I'll tolerate anything. I caught on ex-boyfriend in bed (naked) with another woman... I cried and begged him not to leave me.
*I hate my job. It's just not good enough, and not where I'm 'supposed to be' at this stage in my life.
*Over time, my opinions and my needs don't seem to matter anymore.

*****

I'm half joking when I say...

If I do try a relationship again, I'd like to live in a duplex. One of those homes that's split in two... and meant to be rented out. That would be great! His and Hers!!! He/She could have a whole kitchen, bedroom, livingroom, electricity bill, water bill, refrigerator, trash collection, litterboxes, toilet, etc... Just get together for a bit of 'fun' and then "Back to your side of the house! I'll see you next weekend! Peace Out!!!"

Give thanks to Mother Earth for Her greatest gift...

...gravity.

For without it, we would be lost.
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#15 Old 12-24-2011, 05:27 PM
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Right now I'm in a non-relationship and it seems to be working great. We have been seeing/dating for a couple of years, are great friends, see each other when we both have spare time (about once or twice a month), email/text/call when we need someone to talk to and are free to see others.

GASP!!!!

Oh, please Wise One...

Tell me how that happens!!!

That sounds great!!!

Give thanks to Mother Earth for Her greatest gift...

...gravity.

For without it, we would be lost.
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#16 Old 12-24-2011, 07:23 PM
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Originally Posted by karenlovessnow View Post

I have a daughter who is 36 and single...she often says the longer she goes it alone, the harder it will be to commit to having a serious relationship with someone. She is so used to doing what she wants, when she wants and not having to answer to anyone. Not saying this is good or bad, just that she is accustomed/comfortable with where she's at.
Of course, the hopeless romantic in me feels that if she met the right person, she wouldn't feel that way. I think she misses the companionship part of it, but at the same time, wants to keep a part of her independence.

I do wonder, though, if this particular trait is something that is just there, or if it is something that is unintentionally nurtured by events that occur while a person is growing up.

Your daughter and I have a lot in common. I think sometimes we just get comfortable where we are at and don't want our routines shaken up. I'm a huge creature of routine.
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#17 Old 12-24-2011, 07:31 PM
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You guys have given me quite a bit of good thoughful info.

I was in a crappy relationship for almost 9 years and have been pretty much single for 2 years now. I'm almost 29 so I think people are expecting me to find somebody and get hitched and all that jazz. Marriage scares the crap out of me! Seriously don't see it happening any time soon. Especially if I decide to take on med school.

Do I crave love and companionship? Very much so. Is it practical and can I give of myself right now? No. I feel I'm making a very unselfish choice not to get seriously involved with anybody right now. Will I ever be able to let somebody in to my personal space and life? I dunno.

Thinking I'm one of those life-long single peeps and I'm kind of okay with that. :-)
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#18 Old 12-24-2011, 07:33 PM
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Originally Posted by hazelnut View Post

gasp!!!!

Oh, please wise one...

Tell me how that happens!!!

That sounds great!!!

right!
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#19 Old 12-24-2011, 07:37 PM
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i need lots of space too. i also have a lot of sleeping issues (insomnia coupled with light sleep) so i can't share a bed with someone for more than a few nights before lack of sleep makes me unable to function.

Same here. I toss and turn with somebody in my bed. They gots to go!
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#20 Old 12-24-2011, 07:39 PM
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yes, i think some people are better off single and feel worse in a relationship. my roommate who lived with me for years tells me that i always look sad, stressed and unhappy when dating and it changes right after the break up to the positive.

I feel relief when it starts to fall apart.... I hear ya.
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#21 Old 12-24-2011, 09:24 PM
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#22 Old 12-25-2011, 12:54 AM
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Interesting thread. I think it takes a long time to find the right person. An independent person needs another independent person. It is so hard to find the right mix. But being independent is an advantage as it means you will be too fond of your own company to settle.
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#23 Old 12-25-2011, 02:15 AM
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i need lots of space too. i also have a lot of sleeping issues (insomnia coupled with light sleep) so i can't share a bed with someone for more than a few nights before lack of sleep makes me unable to function. i'm not alone though. i have a few cats living with me and they are more companionship than i need.

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Originally Posted by Nera View Post

Same here. I toss and turn with somebody in my bed. They gots to go!

Now I know why so many older couples opt for twin beds...has nothing to do with not having s-e-x! lol
I think it's more my hubby's snoring that makes me go running screaming to the ever-so-comfortable couch! Most nights I cannot sleep in the same room with him!

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#24 Old 12-26-2011, 06:56 PM
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i think it's more my hubby's snoring that makes me go running screaming to the ever-so-comfortable couch!

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#25 Old 12-28-2011, 10:54 PM
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It is good to hear I'm not alone with such an attitude. I can relate to Hazelnut's post - I also cry much less when I'm single, having healthy weight, feeling better...
But it might be because those relationships were crap ?

I think it is much better to be single than to be in bad relationship, but I can imagine it is possible to be in a good relationship that turns out to be better than singlehood.
At least I hope it is possible.

I know if I'm lucky in the future and find such relationship, I'd like to have family. But if not I would not - staying in bad relationship is self-damaging nonsense.
So either happily ever after or becoming a cat lady (more probable I guess).
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#26 Old 12-29-2011, 06:57 PM
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I think some people just need their room, plain and simple. I need that. Someone independent and mature would understand that.

The Big Bad.
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#27 Old 12-30-2011, 03:00 AM
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I have only had one long term relationship in my whole life. It ended about five months ago, after going on for about eight years. And I wonder the same thing. Am I better off alone? I wish I knew. All things considered, I am kind of suprised that some could, and did, put up with me for that long. I think I am kind of socially phobic or may have some kind of personality disorder. I too feel the need to have my own space.
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#28 Old 12-30-2011, 05:51 AM
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Interestingly I came across this today and it sums up my long held feelings about life. I thought it was relevant to this discussion.

We live together, we act on, and react to, one another; but always and in all circumstances we are by ourselves. The martyrs go hand in hand into the arena; they are crucified alone. Embraced, the lovers desperately try to fuse their insulated ecstasies into a single self-transcendence; in vain. By its very nature every embodied spirit is doomed to suffer and enjoy in solitude. Sensations, feelings, insights, fanciesall these are private and, except through symbols and at second hand, incommunicable. We can pool information about experiences, but never the experiences themselves. From family to nation, every human group is a society of island universes.
― Aldous Huxley, The Doors of Perception & Heaven and Hell
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#29 Old 12-30-2011, 06:01 AM
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I have a similar situation--I'm not a mother, but just don't "need" others and prefer lots of space.

I am married to someone similar and we get along great. I never thought I would get married.

Beanitarian.
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#30 Old 12-31-2011, 02:51 PM
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I'm wondering if I'm also one of those types who is meant to be alone.

Most of my relationships have been total crap, though, so that may be why I was so unhappy in them.

This might sound weird, but I find that when someone is wrong for me, I sleep badly beside them. When someone is compatable for me, I sleep really well beside them. The best relationship I ever had was a long distance one where I was able to have my own space while we were apart. When we met up, I slept better beside him than I did when I was alone.

I think if I ever get into a serious relationship again, it might need to be a long distance one. Or maybe I should become an army wife so I get to be alone most of the time. Or maybe I'll be lucky enough to meet someone who likes the whole duplex idea; I want to have my own bedroom. Sharing a bedroom with someone last year was hell! I felt like I had no space of my own anywhere in the apartment!

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