help, feeling guilty and obsessive - VeggieBoards

Forum Jump: 
 6Likes
  • 1 Post By jessandreia
  • 1 Post By LedBoots
  • 1 Post By Werewolf Girl
  • 1 Post By jessandreia
  • 2 Post By Go Vegan
 
Thread Tools
#1 Old 01-29-2015, 08:12 PM
Newbie
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 57
help, feeling guilty and obsessive

trigger warning, may affect those who have experianced eating disorders. My relationship with food is very complicated and I think things are getting unhealthy again so I really appreciate anyone who reads and responds to this.

I started tring to eat raw a month ago, becuase I have had some health issues.....heres a breif history of the past 10 years of my life.
-high school, went vegetarian and lost 60lb by starving myself
-by 19 I was eating normal and evened out at a healthy weight and went vegan
-by 25 I had put on alot of weight becuase I had a boyfriend that loved my body and I didn't feel self concious about it, we ate a junky vegan diet together, not a very healthy vegan.
-He and I broke up and I got extremely deppressed. I started liking my roomate who liked thinner girls which made me want to starve myself again. I ate a tiny bit of food and smoked ciggarrettes till lost 40lb and I ended up in the psych hostpital cuase I was so so deppressed.
-Becuase I lost that weight so rapidly I developed gallstones and started having pain in my kidneys when I ate. Sometimes the pain would be extreme. I had a bad infection that was treated but the pain didnt go away entirely.
-I quit smoking, smoking weed and drinking, moved out of a toxic living space, left all my toxic friends, became determined to heal, but still having digestive issues.
-So I started researching raw foods and decided that this was a way to improve not only my digestive issues but also my relationship to food and to learn about proper nutrition.
-I went through an intense detox, the cravings lasted a while but went away, then started feel really good.I was trying really hard to eat as much as I needed to but it was hard for me to eat such large quantities of fruit, but I was really really enjoying it and training my belly to hold more water dense foods. For the first time in my life I felt like my food was healing me physically.
-My stomach pains went away almost entirely, with the exception of a few times when I didn't combine foods right, (now I know better)
-I had been eating small amounts of cooked foods to transition, but not a full meal, and then the other day my mom took me to a vegan restraunt that I've always wanted to go to becuase she really wanted to see me eat something cooked. It was the first fully cooked meal I had had in almost a month and needless to say my digestive system was not happy about it. But something about eating something so flavorfull and rich has made it really hard to focus on raw foods again, Im having really bad cravings, and making more excuses to eat cooked vegan food (that is much healthier than I used to eat though).
-Of course I had also been hoping for dramatic weight loss wich is happening, I've lost almost 10lb since I started, and I have become obbsessed with tracking my weight and looking at my body in the mirror. I know I'm getting smaller but I don't see that just the fat I need to loose. I just want to be so so much smaller than I am and I can't stop thinking about it.
-So now I have an incredible amount of guilt building up around the idea of cooked foods. I'm craving them, making exceptions and then feeling emotionally so bad and physically uncomfortable. I'm also terrified that I will get really fat if I eat cooked foods.
-When I started eating raw I was thriving on the abundance of healthy foods, now that I'm starting to feel so nuerotic I'm struggling to eat as much fruits and veggies as I should be and I don't have as much energy. I just want to feel good about what I put into my body and to feel good in my body, I want to be able to focus on getting healthy instead of obssesing over my body snd wanting to be super thin but I don't know how to break old habits.

I know this is alot of info but it means so much to me to have someone respond and give me advice.
veganeevi is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 Old 01-29-2015, 08:33 PM
Veggie Regular
 
jessandreia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: ON, Canada
Posts: 1,588
I have no experience with eating disorders, so pardon me if anything I say comes off as insensitive or something.

"making more excuses to eat cooked vegan food" - First off, there's no need at all to say that. Eating cooked vegan food is not a sin.
In fact, I think that since you have trouble eating too much food then you should definitely add some cooked foods to your day. Just eat healthy cooked foods. They do not make you fat. Eating way too many calories makes you fat, not cooked food. Remember, you said you got fat because you were eating a lot of vegan JUNK food.

"I know I'm getting smaller but I don't see that just the fat I need to loose" - I think this is a step in the right direction. You, yourself know that you are getting smaller. So, remember that. You are already getting smaller.

Try to stop yourself from checking your weight. If you need to throw the scale in the garbage to stop yourself, do so.

"We have enslaved the rest of the animal creation, and have treated our distant cousins in fur and feathers so badly that beyond doubt, if they were able to formulate a religion, they would depict the Devil in human form." - William Ralphe Inge


Last edited by jessandreia; 01-29-2015 at 08:48 PM.
jessandreia is offline  
#3 Old 01-29-2015, 09:59 PM
Not such a Beginner ;)
 
LedBoots's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 8,396
I'm sorry you're struggling, eevi.

I think that giving yourself permission to eat "raw until 4pm" might be a better solution for you than all raw. All raw forces you to concentrate on food so much--buying, storing, cutting up, eating all day.

Healthy cooked vegan food will not make you fat. It will help you think less about food: you are thinking about cooked vegan food because your body is begging you for nutrients. Please feed yourself, you deserve it, and your body does too.

Your body is just your outer shell. Truly. Its size is so very insignificant. Concentrate on what is inside of you. Go outside in the sun and feel it on your face, breathe in the air, experience how lucky you are to be alive, to be able to see a sliver of a moon, to hear a dog barking far away at night, to walk in the brisk morning...

I say this about everything, but daily meditation and yoga a few times a week can help with the anxiety and obsessive thinking. I haven't had ED, but have dealt with my anxiety and panic disorder with agoraphobia with daily meditations and yoga.

I wish the best for you and am glad you are so strong as to let your feelings out when you need to. ((((Hugs)))
veganeevi likes this.
LedBoots is offline  
 
#4 Old 01-29-2015, 10:09 PM
Veggie Regular
 
jessandreia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: ON, Canada
Posts: 1,588
Quote:
Originally Posted by LedBoots View Post
I'm sorry you're struggling, eevi.

I think that giving yourself permission to eat "raw until 4pm" might be a better solution for you than all raw. All raw forces you to concentrate on food so much--buying, storing, cutting up, eating all day.

Healthy cooked vegan food will not make you fat. It will help you think less about food: you are thinking about cooked vegan food because your body is begging you for nutrients. Please feed yourself, you deserve it, and your body does too.

Your body is just your outer shell. Truly. Its size is so very insignificant. Concentrate on what is inside of you. Go outside in the sun and feel it on your face, breathe in the air, experience how lucky you are to be alive, to be able to see a sliver of a moon, to hear a dog barking far away at night, to walk in the brisk morning...

I say this about everything, but daily meditation and yoga a few times a week can help with the anxiety and obsessive thinking. I haven't had ED, but have dealt with my anxiety and panic disorder with agoraphobia with daily meditations and yoga.

I wish the best for you and am glad you are so strong as to let your feelings out when you need to. ((((Hugs)))
I don't mean to take the thread off-topic, but it's "nice" to see someone else has struggled with same thing. I had those problems too. Especially about 5- 6 years ago, I had recurring full-blown panic attacks all night almost every night for months. Every time I had one, I seriously thought I was going to die - mind you that for a long time I had them, I had no idea what they were, and it only made me panic even more. Fortunately, I haven't had a full-blown panic attack in a while now, but I do still get anxiety and sometimes am fearful of being away from home with fear I'll have a panic attack in public or feel sick. If I go to a place and happen to feel sick while in that place, I then start having a phobia of going to that one place, and it takes months for me to be able to go there again.

"We have enslaved the rest of the animal creation, and have treated our distant cousins in fur and feathers so badly that beyond doubt, if they were able to formulate a religion, they would depict the Devil in human form." - William Ralphe Inge


Last edited by jessandreia; 01-29-2015 at 10:14 PM.
jessandreia is offline  
#5 Old 01-29-2015, 10:28 PM
Super Moderator
 
Werewolf Girl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: BC, Canada
Posts: 16,493
Perhaps looking into Raw Til 4 would help? It's a nice compromise from the strictness of being 100% raw. Freelee the Banana Girl has been doing it for quite awhile and she's healthier than ever: http://thebananagirl.com/raw-till-4-faqs.php
veganeevi likes this.

"If we could live happy and healthy lives without harming others... why wouldn't we?" - Edgars Mission
Werewolf Girl is offline  
#6 Old 01-29-2015, 10:57 PM
Newbie
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 57
Thank you guys so much for your support, it means so much to me, you all have such helpful input. I really do want to be able to eat cooked food, its complicated though becuase while getting past the guilt is something I can work towards, it doesn't change the fact that eating it gives me uncomfortable digestive pain, and it only happens when I eat cooked food. It's almost like my body is screaming "no not again". I've had the pain since April, it has gotten better though since I stopped smoking and stuff, I no longer need to take painkillers like when it was crippling. I actually left my job and took 3 months off work it was so bad. but now I have a new job in a coffee shop but is also uncomfortable- serving people unfortunate food. I guess its just created a really unhealthy connection between food and physical pain. Maybe I should see a veg nutritionist.

Its nice to have you guys remind me to focus on other things, I do need to get outside more and focus on inner peace and mindfullness. There is alot more to life than focusing on such trivial things, and alot more to why I went vegan in the first place. I've been trying to dedicate more time to my work for the animals, after all they don't care how much I weigh! Thank you guys for being so understanding!

Last edited by veganeevi; 01-29-2015 at 11:02 PM.
veganeevi is offline  
#7 Old 01-29-2015, 11:01 PM
Newbie
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 57
Quote:
Originally Posted by jessandreia View Post
I don't mean to take the thread off-topic, but it's "nice" to see someone else has struggled with same thing. I had those problems too. Especially about 5- 6 years ago, I had recurring full-blown panic attacks all night almost every night for months. Every time I had one, I seriously thought I was going to die - mind you that for a long time I had them, I had no idea what they were, and it only made me panic even more. Fortunately, I haven't had a full-blown panic attack in a while now, but I do still get anxiety and sometimes am fearful of being away from home with fear I'll have a panic attack in public or feel sick. If I go to a place and happen to feel sick while in that place, I then start having a phobia of going to that one place, and it takes months for me to be able to go there again.
It's not that far off track Jessandreia, I take have bi polar 2, I know its not the same but I feel ya.

Last edited by veganeevi; 01-29-2015 at 11:03 PM.
veganeevi is offline  
#8 Old 01-29-2015, 11:02 PM
Lovable misanthrope
 
MozIsMyShepherd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 1,398
Sorry you've been through so much emotional weight management rollercoaster. But are you sure you gave a weight problem? I mean many young girls gave a distorted self image. Also I'm not sure why you are feeling guilty craving cooked food. Eating cooked is not going to make you any less of a person and is unlikely to make you put on weight. Though all depends on what you cook: if you continue eating vegan cooked or not you are highly unlikely yo put on weight. If you are that worried then why not cut out sugar? Eat fruit for pudding but no refined sugar. Thats what I do though not to manage weight but because I think sugar is extremely unhealthy. Have you tried antidepressants? And finally gallstones shouldn't make your kidneys hurt You might want to check with your doctor exactly what you've got...

it takes guts to be gentle and kind

Last edited by MozIsMyShepherd; 01-29-2015 at 11:12 PM.
MozIsMyShepherd is offline  
#9 Old 01-29-2015, 11:07 PM
Veggie Regular
 
jessandreia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: ON, Canada
Posts: 1,588
Quote:
Originally Posted by veganeevi View Post
It's not that far off track Jessandreia, I take a mood stablizer for bi polar 2, I feel ya.
Speaking of bipolar, a month ago or two ago, my fiancé told me that he had noticed long ago I was bipolar... I have never been officially diagnosed, but it wouldn't surprise me at all if I had some type of bipolar disorder. Quite a few of the symptoms match.

"We have enslaved the rest of the animal creation, and have treated our distant cousins in fur and feathers so badly that beyond doubt, if they were able to formulate a religion, they would depict the Devil in human form." - William Ralphe Inge

jessandreia is offline  
#10 Old 01-29-2015, 11:16 PM
Veggie Regular
 
jessandreia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: ON, Canada
Posts: 1,588
Quote:
Originally Posted by veganeevi View Post
Thank you guys so much for your support, it means so much to me, you all have such helpful input. I really do want to be able to eat cooked food, its complicated though becuase while getting past the guilt is something I can work towards, it doesn't change the fact that eating it gives me uncomfortable digestive pain, and it only happens when I eat cooked food. It's almost like my body is screaming "no not again". I've had the pain since April, it has gotten better though since I stopped smoking and stuff, I no longer need to take painkillers like when it was crippling. I actually left my job and took 3 months off work it was so bad. but now I have a new job in a coffee shop but is also uncomfortable- serving people unfortunate food. I guess its just created a really unhealthy connection between food and physical pain. Maybe I should see a veg nutritionist.

Its nice to have you guys remind me to focus on other things, I do need to get outside more and focus on inner peace and mindfullness. There is alot more to life than focusing on such trivial things, and alot more to why I went vegan in the first place. I've been trying to dedicate more time to my work for the animals, after all they don't care how much I weigh! Thank you guys for being so understanding!
What about starting small quantities with the cooked food and slowly upping it? I think a veg nutritionist is a good idea, but eating disorders fall under mental health disorders, so maybe you should see a psychologist as well.

I promise you, no one cares about your weight as much as you are worrying about your own weight.
dropscone likes this.

"We have enslaved the rest of the animal creation, and have treated our distant cousins in fur and feathers so badly that beyond doubt, if they were able to formulate a religion, they would depict the Devil in human form." - William Ralphe Inge

jessandreia is offline  
#11 Old 01-30-2015, 12:06 PM
Newbie
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 57
Quote:
Originally Posted by MozIsMyShepherd View Post
Sorry you've been through so much emotional weight management rollercoaster. But are you sure you gave a weight problem? I mean many young girls gave a distorted self image. Also I'm not sure why you are feeling guilty craving cooked food. Eating cooked is not going to make you any less of a person and is unlikely to make you put on weight. Though all depends on what you cook: if you continue eating vegan cooked or not you are highly unlikely yo put on weight. If you are that worried then why not cut out sugar? Eat fruit for pudding but no refined sugar. Thats what I do though not to manage weight but because I think sugar is extremely unhealthy. Have you tried antidepressants? And finally gallstones shouldn't make your kidneys hurt You might want to check with your doctor exactly what you've got...
Other people don't think I have a weight problem anymore, I weigh 137lb now but for me I don't feel or look healthy. In terms of previously I don't think anyone would have disagreed with me at 185lb that I had a weight problem then. I did cut out all processed sugars a month ago when I started eating raw, now the only sugar I have is in fruit. I think that I will seek out a nutritionist cuase there is nothing more medical doctors can do for me. I've allready had an ultrasound, endoscopy, colonoscopy, uero analysis, haida scan, and all kinds of bloodwork. Two things cam up, the gallstones-which were very mild, not bad enough to need surgery and chlamydia. Chlamydia does cause abdominal pain so when I got that treated the pain was less extreme but the digestive pains stayed. I Had an extreme infection of the urinary track that cuased overactive bladder which I need to take medication for. I'm wondering now if it just damaged the kidneys ability to function and the bladder. I just really thought all these problems would be gone once it got treated. I've taken antideppressants since I was 11, after years of them somewhat working but not great I was hopitalized and diagnosed with bi polar 2 and now take a mood stablizer, and that has been more helpfull than the antideppressants.

wow you guys must think I'm really messed up haha thanks for listening!
veganeevi is offline  
#12 Old 01-30-2015, 04:42 PM
Vegan as f**k
 
Go Vegan's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Worthing, England
Posts: 2,228
Quote:
Originally Posted by veganeevi View Post
trigger warning, may affect those who have experianced eating disorders. My relationship with food is very complicated and I think things are getting unhealthy again so I really appreciate anyone who reads and responds to this.

I started tring to eat raw a month ago, becuase I have had some health issues.....heres a breif history of the past 10 years of my life.
-high school, went vegetarian and lost 60lb by starving myself
-by 19 I was eating normal and evened out at a healthy weight and went vegan
-by 25 I had put on alot of weight becuase I had a boyfriend that loved my body and I didn't feel self concious about it, we ate a junky vegan diet together, not a very healthy vegan.
-He and I broke up and I got extremely deppressed. I started liking my roomate who liked thinner girls which made me want to starve myself again. I ate a tiny bit of food and smoked ciggarrettes till lost 40lb and I ended up in the psych hostpital cuase I was so so deppressed.
-Becuase I lost that weight so rapidly I developed gallstones and started having pain in my kidneys when I ate. Sometimes the pain would be extreme. I had a bad infection that was treated but the pain didnt go away entirely.
-I quit smoking, smoking weed and drinking, moved out of a toxic living space, left all my toxic friends, became determined to heal, but still having digestive issues.
-So I started researching raw foods and decided that this was a way to improve not only my digestive issues but also my relationship to food and to learn about proper nutrition.
-I went through an intense detox, the cravings lasted a while but went away, then started feel really good.I was trying really hard to eat as much as I needed to but it was hard for me to eat such large quantities of fruit, but I was really really enjoying it and training my belly to hold more water dense foods. For the first time in my life I felt like my food was healing me physically.
-My stomach pains went away almost entirely, with the exception of a few times when I didn't combine foods right, (now I know better)
-I had been eating small amounts of cooked foods to transition, but not a full meal, and then the other day my mom took me to a vegan restraunt that I've always wanted to go to becuase she really wanted to see me eat something cooked. It was the first fully cooked meal I had had in almost a month and needless to say my digestive system was not happy about it. But something about eating something so flavorfull and rich has made it really hard to focus on raw foods again, Im having really bad cravings, and making more excuses to eat cooked vegan food (that is much healthier than I used to eat though).
-Of course I had also been hoping for dramatic weight loss wich is happening, I've lost almost 10lb since I started, and I have become obbsessed with tracking my weight and looking at my body in the mirror. I know I'm getting smaller but I don't see that just the fat I need to loose. I just want to be so so much smaller than I am and I can't stop thinking about it.
-So now I have an incredible amount of guilt building up around the idea of cooked foods. I'm craving them, making exceptions and then feeling emotionally so bad and physically uncomfortable. I'm also terrified that I will get really fat if I eat cooked foods.
-When I started eating raw I was thriving on the abundance of healthy foods, now that I'm starting to feel so nuerotic I'm struggling to eat as much fruits and veggies as I should be and I don't have as much energy. I just want to feel good about what I put into my body and to feel good in my body, I want to be able to focus on getting healthy instead of obssesing over my body snd wanting to be super thin but I don't know how to break old habits.

I know this is alot of info but it means so much to me to have someone respond and give me advice.
Thanks for sharing...

I am going to suggest that you eat normal amounts of food but just exercise - with weights or aerobically to ensure that you tone up...

Remember the average guy doesn't really like women who are literally skin and bone - they prefer a healthy/ toned woman.

And besides for your own health's sake - which is more important than any guy btw - you need to take care of your body...So just try to eat properly and follow an exercise regime
veganeevi and MozIsMyShepherd like this.

Why is the suffering and killing of animals wrong? Because the value of a sentient organism's life is priceless. They are their own beings and have their own lives and loves. They have higher emotions and thought processes. Their minds are different from ours in degree, not kind - meaning that fundamentally there are critical similarities.
Go Vegan is offline  
Reply

Tags
dieting , eating disorders , raw weight loss , weight loss

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the VeggieBoards forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off