Do you fear your parents dying? - VeggieBoards

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#1 Old 01-13-2008, 06:45 PM
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It's odd. When I was at university, I didn't give my parents a second thought - if my mum phoned me more than once a month it irritated me. Dad more than once every three months: very irritated. Now I've jumped to the other extreme: I feel really unnerved, shaken even, by how old my mum is. It doesn't seem so long ago that she was young, sprightly, taking me to school. Now she's in her fifties. Soon sixties. Soon... I get quite upset about this. I think it will completely ruin me when she goes. Of all the people who have come and gone in my life, my mum's been the only enduring presence, and I know it's stupid to fear her departure, but I can't help the way I feel.
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#2 Old 01-13-2008, 06:54 PM
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My dad died when I was eighteen. I certainly grieved his death and it still has an impact on me today but I had time to come to terms with it before he died. I was never really dependant on him, emotionally or financially and I guess it just wasn't a typical father/daughter relationship.

When mum died though... I don't want to think about it lol. I think it will take me a long, long time to come to terms with.
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#3 Old 01-13-2008, 06:56 PM
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In the past few years, I have come to a greater realization that my parents are getting older and my time with them is likely 2/3s over. It's definately scary to see them aging. My dad especially has started physically slowing down. I know no one lives forever, but I don't know how I'll ever let go of my parents.
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#4 Old 01-13-2008, 07:11 PM
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No. I have no relationship with my mother and I don't know my father.

As a parent I fear dying and leaving my child, at times.

"Yes! Live! Life's a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!" Auntie Mame
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#5 Old 01-13-2008, 07:18 PM
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Yes, I do fear it, but as I and they get older (they're 66 and 69), I start to think about it more as an inevitability that happens to everyone. Everyone gets through it, and I will too. But it's hard to imagine what that will be like. I think about when my grandmother died when I was in college. I was an emotional wreck for a couple of weeks, crying constantly, but as time went on the pain became less immediate and now years later I can think of her without feeling bad, happy that she lives on in my memory. I suppose it will be like that with my parents, but just more intense. I saw my mother go through losing her mother and she survived emotionally intact, so I figure I will too. I think it would probably be harder to lose a parent (or any loved one) prematurely and without warning, but hopefully my parents will live a long life and be ready to go when the time comes. I know that when my grandmother died my grief was a tempered a bit by relief that her suffering was over.
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#6 Old 01-13-2008, 10:24 PM
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Originally Posted by lachry View Post

It's odd. When I was at university, I didn't give my parents a second thought - if my mum phoned me more than once a month it irritated me. Dad more than once every three months: very irritated. Now I've jumped to the other extreme: I feel really unnerved, shaken even, by how old my mum is. It doesn't seem so long ago that she was young, sprightly, taking me to school. Now she's in her fifties. Soon sixties. Soon... I get quite upset about this. I think it will completely ruin me when she goes. Of all the people who have come and gone in my life, my mum's been the only enduring presence, and I know it's stupid to fear her departure, but I can't help the way I feel.

I get what you're saying, but 50s isn't old.
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#7 Old 01-14-2008, 04:36 AM
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yes. more than anything. except zombies.
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#8 Old 01-14-2008, 05:08 AM
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Yes, I do fear my parents' deaths... For how much I gripe about my mother, I am very close to her.

Plus, they are fairly old for how old I am... I'm 15 and they are in their mid and late 50s.
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#9 Old 01-14-2008, 06:05 AM
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Yah, I lost my dad when I was 12, and although I never gave it much thought before, now I realize how much I rely on my mom.
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#10 Old 01-14-2008, 06:15 AM
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When I was younger, I feared their deaths because they told me that I would be guardian for my youngest siblings if it came to that. I was so relieved when the twins turned 18, and then 21, and I knew I was free! free! free! of that obligation. Not that they aren't great people, but I didn't feel ready to be responsible for them.

Now that my parents are in their early 60s, I worry a little bit more because some of my friends either have lost or are losing their parents. But, I still have 3 grandparents still alive and so I don't worry too much about my parents' health. I am now the executor of their estate, though, and would prefer to put off that responsibility for as long as possible.

I guess, too, having seen my friends go through losing their parents, I know that it's a very hard, very sad, but also very survivable thing to go through.
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#11 Old 01-14-2008, 06:16 AM
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I know it's coming but the concept is a little abstract for me. I worry about how my mom will get along when her mother dies. My mom is in her late 60's and her mother just turned 90. They are very close, live within 5 minutes of eachother and my mom doesn't have a lot of friends.
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#12 Old 01-14-2008, 07:42 AM
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Yes, just my mom though =/ I started thinking about it this weekend. They are only 43.
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#13 Old 01-14-2008, 07:49 AM
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Yes, I fear my mother dying. What terrifies me most is the possibility that we've argued etc and haven't had time to make up and she'll die thinking I hate her...

On the other hand, when that evil, ****ing b*****d that dares to call himself my "father" dies, I'm going to have a BIG party to celebrate and we're all going to go and dance on his grave.
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#14 Old 01-14-2008, 03:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Wolfie View Post

I get what you're saying, but 50s isn't old.

Yeah, that's what I'm thinking since I'll be 56 next month...if they are in good health they could be around for a long time.

I understand the fear of not wanting to let them go. I was 27 when my dad died and 34 when I lost my mom. They were 59 and 66 respectively. I was sad when my dad died but I was very close to my was devastating for me. The hardest part was having to go through the daily routine (I had three small kids)...I just wanted to go off by myself and grieve for a while. It's probably good that you think about it to some degree, as long as you don't let it overwhelm you...enjoy the time you have with them now.
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#15 Old 01-15-2008, 06:49 AM
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i'm not sure.

my father is a raving alcoholic and i worry about his death often - but not because he's old, but because he's an alcoholic which is a serious health issue. what if he falls and bleeds out, that kind of thing.

but not really. my grandmother lived to see her great great grandchildren, she was an alcoholic (but sober by the time i was born), on lithium till the day she died, and smoked until she was 50. she died peacefully in her sleep. with her brain. our family is like one of those families where all the statistics are bucked out the window.

i'm pretty sure both my parents will be around for a long time. hasseling me about crap. asking me for money, you know.

the annoying stuff.

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#16 Old 01-15-2008, 08:34 AM
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I worry about my dad and my stepdad. Neither one of them are very healthy, though they are not incredibly old (my dad is 62, stepdad 55ish). They are just very unhealthy. I know that health doesn't always mean that much, I could die in a car accident tomorrow, but since I can't predict those kind of things, I judge by what I can. My dad doesn't have a phone, we communicate through letters. I am afraid he will die alone in his old house and I won't know for ages... He isn't alone though, he's always got people living with him, but they wouldn't know my phone number to let me know he wasn't well. I am afraid I wouldn't see him before the end.

When my mom goes (which won't be fore thirty more years at least!) I think I'll fall apart. I am very close to her, my husband and I bought property with her and will end up living together for... well, the rest of her life (or ours). She is just in such great shape, I know I don't have to worry much yet.
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#17 Old 01-15-2008, 10:48 PM
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My dad died when I was 11. My mother just turned 70. I am staying with her right now. My mother is very overweight and eats a lot. I wish she would take better care of herself. She has type 2 diabetes and whatever else she is not saying. She keeps pretty busy with work and her church friends (mostly a group of ladies she calls the merry widows) . I still get nervous that she is not talking care of herself much and starting to forget a lot of things. I don't know how I would deal when she dies. It is an unavoidable thing though. Everything that lives dies.

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#18 Old 01-17-2008, 05:30 PM
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I cried a little when our family's dog died, but that's the one instance where I've been very emotional. I've tried to accept death as a part of life so I would say I don't fear it. I just don't know how I'll react to be honest.
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#19 Old 01-17-2008, 05:39 PM
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Not really.

I lost my grandmother tragically when I was in high school and she was pretty much a second mother to I feel that if I can get though that, I can get through anything.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I'll miss them...they're great and all, but death doesn't phase me much. Besides, me and my sister will get their big house all to ourselves.

Wow, if I believed in the concept of Hell in the afterlife, I guess I'd be headed straight there just for that post alone.

"you know, nowhere in the bible does it say that jesus was not a raptor"

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#20 Old 01-17-2008, 11:25 PM
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Yes, it has been scaring me. Whenever I visit home, which isn't often, I am able to notice how much they've aged in the past few years. They're only in their 50s, but before you know it they'll be their 60s, then grandparents only lived into their 60s with the exception of my grandpa who died at 70 and my grandma who is still alive in her 70s despite being an alcoholic. so it is hard to say how long they'll live. I know that I will be absolutely devestated when they are gone. I am close with both of them. It also scares me because of the way my dad reacted with both of his parents died. I know he still isn't completely over it and it hurts to see him hurt. It's scary to see someone so strong that I look up to be hurting so much. If he has trouble dealing with it, how will I be any better at it?

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#21 Old 01-17-2008, 11:38 PM
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I guess I have more to contribute than my last post.

I don't think my dad is likely to pop his clogs anytime soon. He used to be a smoker, but only lightly, and he quit a while ago now. He eats fairly healthily (too much dairy really, but mostly okay) and does plenty of exercise walking and stuff. He only just turned 50. Both his parents are still alive (75 ish I think).

But ... I'm pretty close to him. And I'm his next of kin so when he dies I'm going to be the one to phone people up to tell them he's dead, to organise the funeral, all that awful stuff and in the unlikely event that it happens soon, I guess I would be responsible for my sister too.

I nearly fell apart when my mum died, and 5 years later I'm still one of those boring people who some of the time falls apart about it for no reason (or for it being the time of year she died, or for it being her birthday, etc, etc) even though I should have gotten over it. And I'm just as close to my dad now as I was to her then. So I know I won't find it easy.
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#22 Old 01-18-2008, 01:50 AM
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I'm glad to see there are others that feel this fear looming over them.

I've always had a great relationship with my parents... Twice a week, mom and I will have one of our marathon phone coversations that can last a few hours. Dad...well...he's not much of a chatter... He always picks up the phone, and we chat for...say...30 seconds before he passes the phone to mom.

I visit them once a year...and every time they look different...worse...older...

My father had age-related surgery on his shoulder, and they didn't even tell me about it... This kind of thing has become so commonplace for them, that they don't see it as urgent news anymore.

I've been lucky to have not had to deal with the death of anyone close to me. People die all around me, it landlord was shot in my yard, my boss's boss is dying of cancer (and he still works!), and every few days I tap on my neighbor's window to make sure she didn't die - she's elderly, and I don't want her cats to starve - but she doesn't know that's the reason for my social calls. ...but my parents' deaths would rip me apart!!!

So, just last week, I told my Mom that I had reached a decision... I had decided that she was going to have to stop growing older, and that she was just going to have to deal with it because I'm not taking 'no' for an answer.

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#23 Old 01-19-2008, 04:37 AM
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My mum's only 51 and I'm always fearing about her dying. It drives her crazy and upset, especially when I cry about it.
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#24 Old 07-13-2009, 07:45 PM
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I am bringing this topic from the pun intended.

I've always been having these fears about the day when my mother is frail and/or dies and they usually happen at night when I'm lying in bed...I just don't know what I'd do without my mother even though she drives me crazy. I feel like I'd be abandoning her if I finish college and leave her to live on her own. (She's a single parent)

It sucks because I'm an only child and the youngest in the whole extended family.

Can anyone give me any advice on how to cope with it?

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#25 Old 07-13-2009, 08:19 PM
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Nope. I'll survive.
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#26 Old 07-14-2009, 07:43 AM
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I lost my dad in June of 2000. There was something that told me it was going to happen months before it did. I remember being in my car and crying uncontrolably over the thoughts of it and prayed for more time.

I almost lost my mom to pancreatic cancer a few years ago too. We were lucky, she made it through and that's very rare.

It's always scared me. The best we can do is to look at the people we love often and cherrish each moment we have w/ them.
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#27 Old 07-14-2009, 08:31 AM
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im seventeen and my dads got emphysema from smoking, yet he still refuses to stop

this really irritates me

weve never really been close, he lives with me and everything bt we always argue, wen hes nice hes really nice, bt wen hes nasty its horrible..

but like since i found out hes got it, its not upset me likes its upset my mum, im cant get over my annoyance of the fact he brought it on himself.. like how selfish is it that hes not even bothering to try and stop even tho it could increase his life expectancy by a few years...

but i dont know how il feel when he actually dies of course...
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#28 Old 07-14-2009, 08:35 AM
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unless your parents arent good people, i think this is a pretty common fear. i try not to think about it cuz its too sad, & it will inevitably happen whether i think about it or not
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#29 Old 07-14-2009, 08:51 AM
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It's scaring me more right now... I'm 26, my parents are in their late 50's. But the reason it's scaring me now is that my boyfriend (who is 36) is making a road trip to visit his father who has been hospitalized following a heart attack.

My boyfriend has said, "It's probably going to be the last time I see him." He says it with such certainty... It frightens me.

My boyfriend came to terms with death - his own and his loved ones - a long, long time ago. He has been shot at, stabbed, and gotten the brain matter of a friend sprayed across his face from a shooting. Growing up as a Spanish-Italian kid in Brooklyn in the 70's and 80's wasn't easy. He enlisted in the Marines as well. He has been in should-have-been lethal car accidents. He just ACCEPTS death. He cherishes life, but doesn't have a fearful death-grip (pun optional) on it.

But me? I'm not even CLOSE to where he is. I don't handle death well. I don't accept it. I just... I'm not in that place. I don't have the inner peace and compassion and gratitude for what I've been given, I guess, to not be terrified of having things taken away.
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#30 Old 07-14-2009, 11:41 AM
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i have to change my answer. my father is dying. He has spots on his brain, still a raving katrina inspired alcoholic, and doesn't give a **** about any of it. i'm going to see him in september for what will probably be the last time.

cry havoc! and let slip the dogs of war.
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