I've been put on Effexor

[Treehugger267]

((Big hugs))

I know those feelings you are feeling right now. I know that even though your mind knows the things the little mean voice inside is telling you is crap, you can still hear it and it hurts. Like hoodedclawjen said so well, you trusted and there is nothing wrong w/ that. You didn't do anything wrong, you are still the person you were before and with time and help from the people who love you, you will heal.

You are doing all the right things. You're talking to people and getting those feelings out of there, that's important. Know that even though we just look like letters on your screen, we're more than that. There are lots of people here to listen to you and help carry you along when you don't feel like you can take these steps by yourself. You're not alone. pm me if you need to talk.....

(((bigger hugs)))

[Huckleberry]

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Regarding Effexor, make sure you don't miss any doses or quit taking it cold turkey. Withdrawals are pretty severe if you are not weaned off properly.

[hoodedclawjen]

yeah, very good point huckleberry. gotta do it properly.

[LuckyDuck]

As always, thank you so much to everyone who has offered support... it means more to me than I can say.

and feeling like a fool- i'm not going to give you crap about feeling a feeling, cos there there is no 'wrong' way to feel, but i think you've got a poor choice of word going on. maybe instead of thinking you were foolish (which implies something very negative about your abilities, and i think is horribly innaccurate and self critical of you), consider that maybe it'd be more appropriate to say that you were trusting. [...] sadly, sometimes a few people seem to be trustworthy, but go on to betray that trust. many deceptive people are very skilled at what they do.

I was trusting, so trusting, and I feel like it's something people can sense, like dogs can smell fear. I've just been victimised over and over and after a while I begin to feel like maybe I have some of the responsibility, because I should have become less trusting after everything I've experienced... but I hold on to that naive childish trust, and I keep being surprised when people take advantage of it.

this 'always stupid decision making' thing... this is a little tumbleweed of negativity forming from all the random bits of junk that are rolling about in your head. i do this when i let myself. you can't get away with doing it to yourself so easily if you know what it is though, so i'm gonna screw you over right now by catching you in it.

Ha ha, yes, you've definitely called me on that... I'm terribly guilty of using the words "always" and "should" and "never" and "shouldn't" to excess. My therapist tells me that's a habit I need to break... thanks for catching me in it. *blush*

omg: fallacy exposed. she does make the good decisions. now, correct your judgement of yourself, madam. not good enough my arse (incidently my arse is also good enough, cos i said so).

*blushblushblush!!!*

Eeep, you sound like my boyfriend...

not unless you have some magic brainwave tweaking device, or are slipping them happy/angry/sad pills on the sly?

if your friends and family feel hurt now too- thats cos they decided to give a damn about you, and thats a good thing. do you honestly think they'd be better off without you, just so they could avoid a bit of hurt here and there? they obviously don't. they must be pretty decent peoples, or you'd not choose to have them in your life, and they'd not choose to be there and take the hurt that comes with the deal of knowing and loving you. so you'd best respect their wise judgements in the matter- accept that you're worth it. don't go making those decisions for them, or assuming you know whats best for them- let them do that stuff for themselves, hmmm?

Really, have you been talking to my boyfriend? We had basically this same talk last night. It ended with me crying a lot and him holding me tight until I fell asleep against him, with our cat snuggled on top of my feet.

And decent doesn't even begin to describe them. They mean everything to me, and I mean everything! They're so loving and supportive. I would honestly not be here if it wasn't for them.

ok, lecture almost over. basically: please don't give yourself even more emotional crap on top of the feelings that you've already got going as a result of your assault- don't tell yourself big fibs that make you feel sadder and weaker than you already do. please. it no help. don't make me come over there and hug you.

I dunno, I might make you come over here and hug me.... (((((hoodedclawjen)))))

[QUOTE=Treehugger267;2511138Know that even though we just look like letters on your screen, we're more than that. There are lots of people here to listen to you and help carry you along when you don't feel like you can take these steps by yourself. You're not alone.[/QUOTE]

Thank you, Treehugger. It means so much to me, that people care, especially people as wonderful as you guys. You're all so much more to me than just letters on a screen. You guys are my friends. And right now, especially, that's so important to me.

Regarding Effexor, make sure you don't miss any doses or quit taking it cold turkey. Withdrawals are pretty severe if you are not weaned off properly.

Yeah, I should have probably mentioned that while this is my first time on Effexor, I am familiar with basic medication rules. I've previously been on Zoloft, Paxil, Clonazepam and Seroquel for a variety of reasons, mostly depression- and sleep-related. I wouldn't quit cold-turkey.

[hoodedclawjen]

sounds like your bf is a very good bloke. get that boy some cookies, pronto!

and it also sounds like your head is screwed on just fine, and you're plenty smart. its probably just your self-confidence, faith in your intuition, and assertiveness skills that might be in need of some building.

you can totally do that- its like anything else, getting those skills honed just takes a good teacher and some practice. if i can do it, you can do it. keep going to that councellor, maybe find some support groups if you can, and don't be afraid of self help books from the library either.

i have complete faith in your ability to become whoever you want to be, and get wherever you wanna go in life. baby steps.

[LuckyDuck]

sounds like your bf is a very good bloke. get that boy some cookies, pronto!

and it also sounds like your head is screwed on just fine, and you're plenty smart. its probably just your self-confidence, faith in your intuition, and assertiveness skills that might be in need of some building.

you can totally do that- its like anything else, getting those skills honed just takes a good teacher and some practice. if i can do it, you can do it. keep going to that councellor, maybe find some support groups if you can, and don't be afraid of self help books from the library either.

i have complete faith in your ability to become whoever you want to be, and get wherever you wanna go in life. baby steps.

My boyfriend is the bee's knees, yes indeed! And actually, he's the cookie-cooker... I'm more of a main-course kinda gal. Although I do have this one recipe for vegan fudge...

You know, it seems to me that most of what hits me like a punch to the gut just builds on what was already there. I know people (on another forum, for survivors of sexual assault and abuse) who have been through so much worse than me..... but all the same, I've had to survive a lot of f*cked-up junk in my life. A lot of it has to do with humiliation, and what doesn't deal with humiliation has to do with taking massive bites out of my sense of self-esteem and control over my life.

Now take this abduction and assault... what else is it but a massive amount of humiliation and damage to my self-esteem and sense of control? I understand, in my big-girl-brain, that it hurts so much because it attacks those parts of myself that are most vulnerable. But in my little-girl-brain, all I can hear is myself screaming, "Please stop! I'm so sorry! Whatever I did to deserve this, I'm so sorry and I won't do it again!!!"

I know I need to rebuild the skills you mentioned. But I just hope that this is the last time they'll be cut out from under me, because I'm starting to get tired of constantly rebuilding my life from scratch.

People tell me that getting a trial and a conviction, if it happens, will help enormously. I think that on one hand, it really might, but on the other hand... I was thinking today, if it could help. More than anything, the only thing that I think might help me is to be told that he is dead. He's gone somewhere he can never hurt anyone else again. And I feel awful about it... I'm not a violent person, I've never wished death on another person before, and I hope I never will again. For a few weeks, I even fooled myself that I didn't wish it on him either, but I can't keep telling myself this lie. I just feel like it goes against everything I thought I believed in.

I'm sorry, I'm ranting now.

[hoodedclawjen]

you're not ranting, you're thinking out loud. no need to apologise for it at all.

there definately does sound like a pattern, which is pretty common. we tend to live what we know, subconciously letting ourselves fall into familiar roles and patterns, negative as well as positive. but knowledge is power, and you're pretty much armed to the teeth about now. the future doesn't have to be same as the past. think about all the positive things you've done already- changes you've made. the good bf is a wonderful start- so many girls with screwed up backgrounds end up in unhealthy relationships- doesn't sound like you're going down that road at all.

i know its daunting and you feel like you're sat amidst the rubble of your life right now, but i don't think this rebuild is gonna be as half big nor hard as you imagine- don't forget that you've already got all your tools, your building skills are right there along with the design plan in your head, foundations are still solid, scaffolding is up, and you've got a fantastic team to help you, and you're already started on it. and perspective is everything- from the worms eye veiw (or lying flat on the floor like you feel you are now) it looks like a really big thing to build, but decide to view it from a birds eye view instead (shut your eyes, lift yourself mentally out of the tangle, and gaze down on it objectively), and you'll soon find that its nowhere near as imposing a structure.

i honestly don't know if a trial will give you the closure you need, because i'm not you. but maybe being assertive enough to say "this happened, and i'm not gonna keep quiet or take it lying down- i'm reporting it" ... whether it gets to trial or not, might help your self respect, you know? if not, even admitting it happened, both to us and to yourself, is further than many people get, and sharing your experience will no doubt give other people the confidence to do the same, and to get the help they need- thats something to be proud of.

don't worry about your intense and hurtful feelings. you're probably feeling very raw, sickened and seethingly angry right now, and thats totally normal. you've been wounded emotionally, and lashing out is a classic defense mechanism designed to stop you wandering passively back for more hurt. wanting the person who wounded you to know and feel intense hurt too, to comprehend fully what they've done, and to be gone out of existance permanently, thats pretty understandable. its not like it'd make sense for you to want them to pop round for afternoon tea. it doesn't make you a bad person at all. its a pretty honest and natural response. in a way its good, because it involves you taking a role of personal strength.

so fudge, hey? i think both of you deserve some of that right now. good excuse to work out that nervous tension and anger with a wooden spoon.

[LuckyDuck]

If knowledge is power, I live in the armory. Since the last time 4 years ago, I've immersed myself in it. It's the only thing I know of to take the edge off. I know I've made all the right moves, and I guess it's a bit disappointing that it hurts so much even when I've done everything "right" you know? I can't even begin to convey it, the actual physical sensation like a cold steel band crushing my heart, it's like nothing I can remember, it's like I've reached a new plateau of hurting.

My boyfriend has been around for the last four years, since a couple months before the first time I was raped. He and I sometimes joke that he's a pro at this... but I also make sure he knows how much it means to me that he's stuck by me, not once but twice, through all this crap.

That building metaphor is great - I'm going to use it in my meditation, thank you!

One desire this has really galvanized in me is to become an art therapist. I had been toying with the idea before, but now I feel like I'd be making a big mistake if I took another direction. I want to work with adult and child survivors of sexual abuse and assault.

I don't actually want to kill him, not myself, and rather than wait for someone to come to me and tell me he's dead, I'd rather be proactive, so I'm planning to do something rather than just wallow and wait. Sounds easier than it is, sure, but everything is.

The afternoon tea line actually made me laugh out loud, I'l have you know!! It was a hilarious (albeit terrifying) image!!!

I might be able to hook you up with the recipe... PM me if you want it though, it's semi-secret.

Oh, and have I ever mentioned how much I love your avatar?? I basically grew up on Red Dwarf. Mr Flibble's very cross. What are we going to do with them, Mr Flibble? We can't possibly do that! Who'd clear up the mess...?

[hoodedclawjen]

sometimes **** just happens, regardless of the odds and our efforts. which really really sucks.

thats what you need, a mr flibble puppet. you'd be invincible then.

just checking- i hope you mean 'do something' in a legal sense, not a 'set fire to his house' sense. please don't get yourself into trouble. i know how tempting it is.

and i reckon you'd make an awesome art therapist. go for it.

[LuckyDuck]

thats what you need, a mr flibble puppet. you'd be invincible then.

OMG YES.

just checking- i hope you mean 'do something' in a legal sense, not a 'set fire to his house' sense. please don't get yourself into trouble. i know how tempting it is.

Ha ha, er, yeah, that's it...
All joking aside, I meant "do something" as in, becoming an art therapist. Arson isn't my thing.

and i reckon you'd make an awesome art therapist. go for it.

Thanks!