Mr. Falafel, I agree, although it's easier said than done.
I often ask myself "if this person weren't my dad/sister/etc, would I let them treat me this way?" and the answer is NO.
We need to stop making exceptions for the way we allow ourselves to be treated.
If I can just shed some insight by sharing a parallel situation here:
I have a Grandmother who lives in the same town as I do. I'm the only family she has in town (besides my Grandfather) and she hasn't been to any of the three residences I have lived in since moving here (despite my offers). Growing up, and still today, she was heartless and slagged my whole family (including me) by questioning our intelligence, abilities, and choices in life. She even would wait for the perfect moment (having the whole family around) to call someone 'fat' just for greater impact.
She too is a control freak. We always have to have get togethers at her place, as no one else's place is 'good enough' etc. and if we do eat out it's at places where there is nothing I can eat, or it's so greasy or poor quality none of the thirty guests want to eat there, but SHE wants to eat there so we all have to go....Of course my vegetarianism is an issue as well, but she won't let me even explain it to her.
(Fast forward through physical and mental abuse of everyone to present day)
I now currently have decided that even though she is family - no one has the right to treat me, or my family, like crap. I only go over when other family are in town, as I want to see them, but other than that it's a rarity to see me on the block. She whines to my Dad that she never sees me, but she has a phone, and my number, so really if she wanted to see me so badly she would call or even drop by (she frequents the Senior's centre which I can see from my backyard it's so close but she can't walk 2 minutes to my front door step).
The point I'm trying to make is this: family or not, if someone is that hurtful and that much of a negative impact on your life, it doesn't matter if they are family or an acquaintance, if they aren't willing to change it's healthier to have distance. I feel better now that I am not around her often trying to see if she can be the kind of grandmother I would want.
Have a talk with your Mother, and if she doesn't want to change her views or treatment of you, then perhaps it's time for some respectful distance.
[ Insert opinion here ]
I have to agree with the distance/time out advice. After all this time it is obvious that there isn't anything you can say to change the situation.
Since you still visit/talk to her no matter how disrespectful she is to you she has no incentive to change. I think the only thing that might hit home is showing her that the way she treats you is no longer acceptable. Explain to her why you will no longer be spending time with her until her attitude changes and then FOLLOW THROUGH with it.
My perspective of veganism was most affected by learning that the veal calf is a by-product of dairying, and that in essence there is a slice of veal in every glass of what I had thought was an innocuous white liquid - milk. ~Rynn Berry
oneveganworld.com
Another take on taking some time off. When I was 17, I stopped talking to my mom, and didn't really talk to her again until I was 19, just under 2 years later, with the exception of a month during the summer i was 18. It was kinda selfish of me, but I needed time to figure out who I was as an adult. Also, we did not get along AT ALL when I was a teen.
In the end, it was good for both of us. We started talking again when I was 19, after I came home after spending a year out of country. I think we have both calmed down and both become more excepting of the other. She lives about four hours away now, and every couple of months one of us visits the other, and we talk a couple of times a week. We don't always agree, but I can't remember the last time we actually fought.
Anyway, just my experience.
The next time your grandmother starts dominating your mother, video record it, then the next time your mother starts domineering your life, play the video and say, "You are starting to sound like Grandmother." or words to those effect. I bet that will stop her cold. Who wants to sound like a domineering control freak?Originally Posted by Lentil
Good luck with everything. DLTBGYD.
"I want you two to behave while I'm gone."
"Ok."
"Behave like what?"
Haha I'm glad I made you laugh :P.Okay, so the bolded part made me lol to the point of spewing coffee. Yum.
So, Update: I informed my Mother AND Grandmother that Lyric and I have rented an Apartment, are moving in, plan on not getting married or having babies, we explained why neither of us want children, ever, and that there will not ever be an animal related dish in our house, except the gingerbread animals we make for the holidays. I added, if they disrespect, criticize, or otherwise critique our lifestyle they will not be invited back nor will they receive phone calls for many moons after.
My mother said I was being unreasonable and insane, (and then asked where the coat hanger was, I told her I returned it, and I got a look that can only be described as "AJBGAJLHSDJLHSJLKAHD!J!JJ!J!J!!!!1!!!") My Grandmother said "I wouldn't plan on visiting anyway, since you are not married."
*head desk*
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
-Mark Twain
Sounds like a good excuse for celebratory baked goods and hot vegan sexytimes.
They'll eventually either call you OR ignore you. I'm older, stuborn, and haven't talked to sections of my family for 10+ years. I'm healthy, happier, and life is so much quieter without them. Permanently cutting someone out isn't an easy choice, but sometimes it can be the only choice. Honestly, it sounds like it isn't you that will make that choice, at least in the case of your grandmother.
Good luck guys.
Good! Be honest with yourself, do you really WANT her to visit? I know I wouldn't from what I'm hearing.
Vegan since September 6th, 2009
Vegetarian since man was still in a primitive state and had amusing talking dinosaur appliances.
Good for you. The best family is the family you make.
Exactly....Congrats and Good Luck
peace, love, and hippie holidays~~veggie (knot)vegan!!
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