Just ask yourself this.
If you were NOT dating him right now... BUT you knew everything you know know about the happiness you would share, as well as the way he feels about pets/marriage... Would you ask him out on a date?
Just ask yourself this.
If you were NOT dating him right now... BUT you knew everything you know know about the happiness you would share, as well as the way he feels about pets/marriage... Would you ask him out on a date?
First of all, I'm sorry you had a rough night last night. These things aren't easy, and neither is listening to other people's opinions at times when you don't like what you hear.Originally Posted by anicepieceofash
That said, I think this statement is very telling. First, it's sexist, but I guess you might just use heterosexist language such as that (like the women who always assume a woman is in a relationship with a male, etc., assume a "couple" is a male and a female) and MAYBE you didn't mean anything by it. I wouldn't be in a relationship with you just based on that statement. It's a huge red flag. You really think that someone goes out with you and gets those butterflies and is excited to be with you so you can try to "change" them into who YOU want them to be?
If you can't accept someone for who they are, don't date them.
And yes, some people don't want to be or get married, male, and female. It's not "putting you on notice." It COULD so happen he changes his mind one day, but it's perfectly acceptable to not want to get married. If it's what you want, then you're not compatible with him. Doesn't make either of you a bad person.
I would strongly suggest never, ever dating anyone again until you can accept them and do NOT try to "change" them or expect things to change (or "men" as you say) with time. ANd you can then expect the same in return.
I"d keep the cat and dog and whatever you want. I think it's pretty gross to have cats on kitchen counters and don't "let" mine up there (obviously they do diff. things when I'm not around)).
"They're religious, honey, not retarded."
That's a good question, and I'd be interested in his answer as well.
"They're religious, honey, not retarded."
Thank you all for the responses. I have calmed down quite a bit, but I know I will be doing a LOT of thinking and talking about this.
First off, there is absolutely NO compromise regarding my cat. I had her before he came along and I would never give up a pet just because someone was grossed out or didn't like her. So after I graduate and move back to town, if he was still in the picture it would be you live with the cat or you don't live with me.
Regarding my post sounding like my bf's being one-sided, please remember that I am speaking from my point of view. He has strong opinions about marriage, I do not think it is about me. I apologize for sounding sexist, I do not think I am and I was extremely upset when I wrote my post. He had mentioned very early on in our relationship that he wasn't sure he ever wanted to get married. I was foolish and didn't take him seriously - I have since become his first serious relationship and the first girl he has ever "loved". I didn't know how serious he was, so I thought with time and the growth of our relationship he would not be so wishy washy. I think it was silly to hope he would change his mind.
Semicharmed, if I didn't know anything about him or what our happiness together is like I wouldn't go out with him. Problem is, I do. I know how we instantly "clicked" the moment we met eyes. I know how he has been there for me through sexual assault, cancer scares, night terrors, and changing my major a million times. I know how we work things out and communicate so well, and how he respects me for my intelligence. I know how wonderful it is just to be next to him, how I love being in his arms and talking to him all night over a good bottle of cabernet. How we have SO much in common with values, hobbies, etc EXCEPT regarding pets and marriage. That is why this is so hard. He has been next to me the whole time I've gone through hell and back. When I confessed I was having suicidal thoughts - I have never seen such immense sadness in a man's eyes. I know he loves me and I know I love him.
Gingerfoxx wrote:
"In my case, I am also dating someone who made it clear from day one that he never intends to marry anyone. I am not sure yet if marriage is something I want in my life. In terms of the future, I know our lives are ultimately headed in two different directions, but for now, it works. I am not in a rush."
I think that is what I am feeling. On the positive side, this argument has led me to give up my notions of marriage and happily ever after immediately after graduation. I have put out-of-state grad school and year long study abroads back on the table. I don't think I can give him up yet, but for now I am going to focus on my desires, and see what happens.
"Happily ever after" can be "happy in this moment as we are and choose to continue to be."
"They're religious, honey, not retarded."
I think you misread my post. You're SUPPOSED to take those things into consideration!
It's like... Pretend you travel back in time, and you know ALL that you know. The good, the bad, the ugly. You know he will be serious about not wanting to be married, about not wanting bets. You also know how close you will be, how supportive he is. You know everything, and consider it all.
The only difference is you are in the first moment.
It's so hard to be in the middle of something so complex and then try to find your way out, espeically if you don't know if you SHOULD find your way out. That's why I always play this game. Imagine you have all the knowledge, only you are not in it, you are outside. So instead of trying to find a way out, you are out, and deciding whether you would choose to find a way IN. If you would? Then maybe things aren't as confusing in your relationship as you thought.
He sounds like a good guy, and I hope you guys find your peace, whether it be together or apart (or a little of one before the other!)
Crazy. One thing you need to remember, your cat or dog will always love you unconditionally. Hummmmmm
"For as long as men massacre animals, they will kill each other. Indeed, he who sows the seed of murder and pain cannot reap joy and love." - Pythagoras
My boyfriend and I have had our fair share of problems so far. Sometimes people ask us why we're together. But one thing I know is that he ever had issue with my pets, we would have to split. If your bf wanted your cat to be better trained thats one thing, but to not have pets if we were living together would be a deal breaker for me. I can see how difficult it would be. My bf was there for me many times (like having to put my dog of 13 years to sleep) and I wouldn't want to lose him because of fights, big or small, which is probably why we have worked through things and are still together. However animals are so important to me that no man could stand between me and them. Its obviously much easier for me to say move on because I share none of the experience or bonds.
I wish you luck!
Last edited by s0ad; November 8th, 2009 at 12:14 AM.
R.I.P.
Ali
1996 - 2009
Loved Forever. Remembered Always.
I've been married for four years now (Just had our anniversary a couple of weeks ago!) and want to add that even if you were to get married that it really should not affect things like that.
I mean you get married whenever you feel that it's the right time but don't automatically think that marriage = making babies and/or ball and chain...because it's not. Ideally a marriage should really just be two people who commit to staying together through thick or thin. Which really in the right case is a wonderful thing. You and your partner can still be individuals pursuing a career etc.
Just sayin'
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