breakup is leaving me distraught

[mslinzyann]

My boyfriend and I were together for 4 years. In this time I suffered a great deal from anxiety and depression, and definitley was moderatley codependent. He comes from a wealthy family, and so he bought the majority of the groceries and paid for most of the "fun time" too. Still, we've had a lot of great times together, and I always thought he was reasonably happy in our relationship. I know I was very much in love with him and that for awhlie he loved me, too. We became close to one another's families, took vacations together, spent the holidays together each year...I felt we were a very close couple.
The whole thing started two weeks ago or so, when I noticed him acting agitated and depressed. The weather just changed to wintery cold and finals are coming up, so I assumed it was nothing, just stress. I also saw that he wanted to spend the night less (we live like 4 doors down from one another) and have less sex. Still I thought he was just a little depressed and stressed. However, I noticed he'd been cutting me down a lot regarding my weight. Tonight before breaking up with me he said if I was an animal I'd be a manatee, that way I could be fat, move slow, and eat all day....stuff like that.

Over thanksgiving break he told me he wanted to break up. We talked about the reasons why (he spends too much money on me, I am too dependent on him, my weight is a problem, and I skip class too much. He felt I was depressed and needed to work on that). We talked it over and I explained that I agreed with him about these problems. We decided to stick it out into the new year and see how things go. When we came back we had sex and I let him do something I was afraid of doing. He said all he needed was a little trust from me to him, and that he would trust me in return.

Tonight I logged into his facebook account and he was talking to a girl friend of his. I know I shouldn't have done this, but I've been suspicious. He was having a converation with her, and she asked him if he was having sex with me tonight. He replied saying "No, I managed to avoid that." I immediatley called him and was upset. He came over and said he wanted to breakup, and I cried for two hours. I begged. I pleaded. It was very pathetic. I was blindsided. It was horrible.
Then I packed up all his stuff, changed my facebook status to single, and threw his stuff on his front porch.

He was my life, and part of me wants him back so badly. However, another part of me feels that maybe I don't want him back; after all, he was never helpful with my mental illness and he'd been throwing out insults for a long time. The problem is that I structured everything around him, and I did love him very deeply. I don't want to shut him completely out of my life. I feel so lost, so scared, and so sad.

I'm just looking for some support and maybe some experiences you've all had with long term relationships that ended. Were you able to be friends with the person? How did you move on?
Thank you so much.

[*AHIMSA*]

I'm so sorry that you are in pain. I just went through a breaup after 6 years of living together. It's not easy to suddenly adjust when you didn't see it coming. He was disrespectful and unkind to you in many ways. You WILL be better off without him, as much as it hurts to be without him, KNOW that! :hug: Send me a PM anytime you like!

[cstadt]

That manatee business is ridiculous! Nobody needs to stand for that. I'm sure that guy has some great attributes, but... sheesh.

+1 that you're better off. It does suck that you're just a few doors down, though.

[Kristen4382]

The manatee / weight comments were way out of line. If he wanted to break up, fine, but as females we already put enough pressure on ourselves, regarding that issue. If he wanted to break up, I guess there's nothing you can do about that.

I know you'd been with him a long time, and although parts of your message made me a little sad, I also got the impression you might be a lot stronger than you think. I don't understand mental illness so I don't know the effect having him out of your life will have, and I've not had a relationship longer than 18months, but it was nice to hear you could see both the pro's and con's of the relationship. The only thing I could recommend for staying friends, is water under the bridge... but it's different for everyone I guess. Sorry, I don't really have any advice :) I don't want to say 'figure it out for yourself' but you judging on this post alone, you sound like a smart cookie. Just take your time, stay strong and spend some time with people who genuinely care about you if you can. You're your own person. I'm sure you'll do whatever is right. Good luck =)

[Hopefully none of that came across as preachy or counsellor-like. I'm just thinking out aloud! <-Just my usual disclaimer in the hope nobody will bite my head off, haha! xx]

[ripvanfish]

That guy better hopes he never runs into me in a dark alley. :grr::evil::junk::gun:

[Eco_Jihadist]

by the sound of it in the long term you're better off without him; comments like that about your weight are absolutely disgusting, are you sure you really want him in your life in any way at all???

I have ended an 18 month relationship but on friendly terms (or as friendly as such a thing can be). We will always be friends, and I have no regrets; I enjoyed an amazing year and a half, found who I hope will be a long term friend and only had brief sadness the couple of days after the breakup.

[ashlend]

It sounds like the relationship was really destructive, and it also sounds like you may be beginning to see that. I'm sure you had some good times together, but the comments you mentioned that he made about you recently (to you and to his friend) are completely out of line. It also sounds like you depended way too much on him and like toward the end, the relationship was getting bad enough to make you do desperate things (logging into someone else's facebook account is not a good sign.)

I think you will be a lot better off if you simply cut ties and move on. This guy is not going to be a friend to you. Move on, see that you can be strong without him, and your self-esteem will improve and with it, the rest of your life. :)

[ai_08]

no one deserves to be treated like that. i know it hurts... but if he's going to cut you down like that, then you deserve much better!

i know it's hard, but you really need to move on. find someone better- someone who deserves you and will love you for who you are. this joker sounds like a real ass.

DON'T GIVE UP SWEETIE!!!!

[mslinzyann]

Thank you so much, everyone. I have to say in the end I can see how unhealthy we were getting, but this morning I woke up feeling like someone ripped my intestines out and ran me over with a truck.

Then of course I saw on his facebook (not stalking, just looking at his profile) that he was having a horrible day, miserable, ect., so I called him. Which is obviously a huge no-no...but I'm so used to us being one another's emotional support. He says this is what he wants but that he misses me. :-/ I don't know...I guess we may be better off this way, but having him out of my life forever seems like the most horrible thing in the world right now.

I'm going home this weekend to be with my family, so I know that will help. Thanks so much, everyone.

[Tom]

I'm sorry you're going through a rough time, Linz. (I probably would have gloated after reading his lament on facebook, but that's me...)

I have a feminist friend who's a nurse and also has weight control issues. I know women sometimes reject men who are unattractive, but I really think my gender generally behaves worse in this regard. It's his loss, not yours. If losing some weight would prvide a health benefit to you, THAT is a good reason to pursue it.

I know you know all this. It just helps sometimes to hear it from someone else. :hug:

[Brandon]

Just wanted to send some :hug: and :sunny: . You don't deserve to be treated that way, as others have said. I hope this is for the best for you.

[Larissa]

That guy sounds terribly thoughtless. No one has the right to say things like that about someone. You'll be better off without him. =] Of course it'll hurt to start with, but it will get better! *sends happiness your way* =D!

[mslinzyann]

I have an update....
So today I went over to his house in desperation and misery, and I laid down in his bed and sobbed. I didn't want him to take me back, I just needed to be around someone, and he was the only person around. He came over and hugged me and proceeded to tell me all about his grocery purchases, then asked me if I wanted a cookie and a pop. I was extremely confused....and like, wtf..why are you acting like everything is ok.

He said he felt shockingly horrible and missed me and wanted to get back together. So I said ok...but we have things to work on and need to be "on probation" in a way, because we are having problems. (obviously) He agreed to this and took me out to lunch, where we talked a little more about things. Then he drove to detroit to see a game w/ his dad. Leaving me here, very confused.

Now I feel confused and scared, not to mention exhausted. I know he was frustrated with me for not taking care of myself, but one of my main problems with him is that he can be so insensitive. His main problem with me is that I am too dependent on him. I know we can work on this....I love him so much. But this is wearing me out. For now things seem fine, but I'm wondering if they will fall apart again...I can't go through another cycle. I'm already run down mentally.

I'm so anxious...I can't hardly eat or drink anything. I just want to sleep but its only 7:00.

Still venting. :sick:

[Marie]

Stop acting miserable around him. Ignore him and have fun with other people.

[fadeaway1289]

Yes you need to work on your depression and anxiety (I know easier said than done) but..... when you are dealing with those things and in a relationship , your partner should be SUPPORTING you and helping you get through it instead of hurting you. The things he said to you were beyond insensitive. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. Nobody that cares about someone else should ever make comments like that (or about anyone in general) especially knowing what a fragile state of mind you are in.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know you love him but you DESERVE a hell of a lot better. You deserve someone that will love you unconditionally, respect you and treat you like the special person you are.

[nataliex1122]

I agree completely with fadeaway. I know it's hard but try to get some support from your family and friends. Try spending time with them, or find something else to bide your time with. Just from reading your posts it seems like the healthiest thing for you to do right now is stop talking with him. Give yourself some time to think without the constant up and downs of your relationship. Just temporarily cut ties with him so that you can clear up your thoughts. I'm sure that seems like the hardest thing to do right now, especially when he's just a phone call away but it seems like it will help you a lot in the long run. Good luck, and stay strong. :hug: :)

[Hummusisyummus]

In my experience, being in a bad relationship changes the way you think in a bad way. It makes it harder for you to tell when that person has done something totally unforgivable and allows you to make excuses for their behavior.

Someone who is decent boyfriend material doesn't do things like this piece of work did. You're 100% better off without him. Consider him ending the relationship the best thing he could ever do for you!

[das_nut]

He's an ass.

You are still emotionally invested in the relationship.

That sucks.

Dump his ass, and get some good lovin' from somone who looks better and has more stamina than he does.

Failing that, get some okay lovin' and no prenup from a rich guy with a bad heart.

[mslinzyann]

lol @das_nut

Well after two days of sheer torture we've decided to take a break. We are going home (we live in the same town, but not super close to one another) and will be with our friends and family during the holidays. We can relax, learn to see life without one another, and figure out who we are and what we want. We need this time apart more than anything. After 4 years I do feel like not taking time to consider the decision to break up is wrong, doesn't do us justice.
I desperatley need to experience life without him, not "B and mslinzyann" but just mslinzyann. I need to define myself on my own terms....and all of this has been so confusing, I think we need time to decompress and think things through. I know I do. He seemed very positive about this choice.

That said, taking a break means cutting off ties and communcation with him for awhile. I'm going to find that hard, but many of you have suggested keeping very busy and I think that will help. I have a lot of schoolwork to do as well, and plan to keep busy over break. I work for his Mom and Dad over break at their animal hospital, so that will be hard. He says he'll try to limit coming in there. We're planning on having lunch a couple times.

This is the best solution I have for now and one that a lot of the people in my life support. I will admit I'm afraid after this break he'll decide we're better off apart, but hopefully after having some space it will be easier to deal with.

Thank you all so very much. I really did read this and feel support and encouragment from you all.

[das_nut]

You need to decide that you will be better off.

He is scum. Odds are, he will continue to cheat on you. This is blunt, but this is also true.

Quick show of VB hands. Do cheaters continue to cheat? *looks around* Yep, thought so. The truth is isn't pretty, but it is the truth.

You are young. It hurts. That sucks. It really, really sucks, in a way that someone who hasn't been there can't understand.

But don't go back. He screwed up. You deserve better. He is not better. Other people are.

[shineonyou]

lol @das_nutI desperatley need to experience life without him, not "B and mslinzyann" but just mslinzyann. I need to define myself on my own terms....and all of this has been so confusing, I think we need time to decompress and think things through. I know I do. He seemed very positive about this choice.

I've definitely been in the position you describe above: crying to your boyfriend about breaking up and then feeling like a fool after. :/

For me, it went from hard to be without the guy to "what was I thinking?" I think distance is key.

What worked best for me after breaking up with someone is going backpacking in Europe. Not exactly the most helpful suggestion, but I think a rush of something new and keeping busy really helped.

[InstantKarma]

That guy's a dick. Anyone who could say such things to ANY other person, much less his girlfriend is a dick.

Unfortunately, the heart being what it is, you're gonna have to come to that conclusion on your own.

[Tom]

I stupidly forgot to mention earlier...

You mentioned the difficulty you were having controlling your weight. I advocate that people work on this for health reasons, but as far as appearance goes, there’s more to beauty than someone’s waistline. If that’s you in your most recent avatars, you are a very attractive woman. Your smile in that picture with you wearing a gray faux-fur hat in the sun was just plain radiant.

[vegbunny83]

Dear Linzy, I just wanted to tell you to be strong and that you are a beautiful person who deserves better. :hug:

I have been in VERY similar situations to you, and I know how hard it is to break free. I also know that breaking free from him is EXACTLY what you need to do. My last two relationships were pure torture- I started dating guys who, in essence, are good people, but definitely had/have serious maturity issues and problems being honest with everyone including themselves. In the first relationship, we kept breaking up, and then he would come back to me a couple weeks later saying he missed me, that he'd realized how wrong he was, and was going to do all these things to change his ways. In a matter of a month it would be back to the same old lying, emotional abuse and passive-aggressive behavior that pushed us apart in the first place. It went on like that for FOUR LONG YEARS, and he cheated on me multiple times to boot. The second one didn't go on nearly as long, only about a year and a half, but his behavior was even worse. I'll spare you the stories but you get the idea! I just wanted to let you know- I totally understand what you are going through!

I know how easy it is to go back to that person you have been with and loved for so long- it's like a "comfort zone." Even though his behavior and the fact that you can't trust him makes you feel miserable about yourself, it's what you know and it makes you feel safe. I'm glad you guys are taking a break- you need as much distance from him as you can get, and I encourage you not to have ANY contact with him whatsoever, even phone calls or going out to lunch. It may be hard, but it's what you need. I also would recommend finding a new job to minimize contact with his family. It sounds harsh, but once you get far away from him for an extended period of time, you will truly start to heal and you will realize all the horrible elements he was bringing into your life and realize that you don't need him to be happy.

As far as your depression and troubles with school- I have also been there, done that. Is there any way that you could take a lighter course load at school- maybe drop down to part time- and use the extra time to seek counseling through your school and do some extra-curricular activities that would be enriching to you personally? When I was deep in depression I did horribly at school, and ended up flunking a bunch of classes and dropping out twice. It might be better to ease up on overloading yourself with schoolwork before it reaches that level. You could take only 1 or 2 classes a semester and get counseling, and maybe do another activity such as an art class, yoga class or working out that would enrich you in a deeper way.

GOOD LUCK! Remember, just STAY AWAY from your ex at all costs, and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF even if it means dropping some credits at school! Happiness comes from within, but first you need to shed all of the negative influences around you.

If you need someone to talk to, please feel free to PM me!

~Julie

[KHADIJAH]

I know how you are feeling Im going through the same thing a divorce, and being with out my kid, and eating probs, It will get easier and know i am thinking of you.(Hugs)