Fear of Emotional Intimacy?

[Chrysalis]

I don't think I'm looking for advice exactly, I just want to know if anybody understands what I am dealing with. Basically I'm dating someone now that I really like and he seems like a quality man. I act like myself around him and he still likes me, I feel like he understands me, I can't stop smiling around him...he is a great person..etc...things are going well in theory, except for the fact that I'm starting to freak out a little...

Background information:
I have been in two serious relationships before. The first lasted approximately a year, then we broke up, then dated again for 4 months. The entire process of breaking up/dating was brutal. To make a long story short, I think it has affected me in a negative way and I"m nto sure if I'm over it or ever will be.

The second serious relationship was the last relationship I really had, and it was 3 years ago. It was a complicated long-distance thing that left me very hurt and I took a long time to recover from, although I am now on excellent terms with him (just friends, as he is married now! lol).

Ever since the long-distance relationship, I have only ever dated guys for short periods of time (1-2 months at the most). I have also had some "alternative" relationships that were purely sexual and were completely devoid of emotional intimacy, and I think those may have messed me up a lot. I don't do those anymore.

I also stayed single for a long period of time in order to work on some of my personal issues, and become comfortable with who I am, gain confidence, make more friends, develop as a person, get hobbies, concentrate on my education etc. I also turned down men who I thought were wrong for me. I have been holding out for a great guy.

Now here we go . . . I think I may have finally found a quality guy that I really like, and it's pretty obvious he is really into me too. But now what do I do?? I am freaking out! It has been sooo long since I've had a relationship with EMOTIONAL intimacy that this scares me. He is very open with his feelings and with affection, but I don't know how to show mine. He does nice things for me but I don't know what to do back. I don't know how to show affection past hand-holding. I'm afraid of getting close to him because I don't want to turn into the bitch that I was when I was dating my first bf. I am also afraid that I will turn into one of those women who centre their whole life around a boyfriend and lose their friends and lose who they are to be in relationship. It has happened to me before, so I know that it's something that sneaks up on you...

anyway i haven't seen any problems like this posted in this thread before so i'm wondering if i'm nuts. I am considering telling him some of this stuff soon so he understands where I'm coming from. I dont' want to close myself off or become distance but I don't know how to not to. But if I tell him about all my emotional baggage that might scare him off? He has disclosed some things to me about his past so maybe I should just say something. The opportunity hasn't reallycome up yet though.

Well I'm done rambling now, I hope this makes some sort of sense. Thanks for listening!

[melancholy024]

I understand the emotional intimacy aspect of this. Everyone I've every opened up to emotionally has ripped my heart out and stomped on it. I'm running out of DNA to clone new ones :lol:
I suggest to let him know some of the stuff you are going through in your mind. But don't spring it on him all at once. True intimacy takes time and if you give it up all at once, you're asking for all kinds of trouble. And it could overwhelm the poor guy. Small doses and time is what I suggest.
For what it's worth

[hoodedclawjen]

i don't think you need to go into huge detail if you're not ready to, but letting him know how you're feeling, and why, is probably a good start. you don't have to make a big serious speech of it either, you could just mention it in conversation. he sounds like the kinda guy who is in touch with feelings, which makes it more likely that he will take it on board and accept it, and that in itself will help you relax, take the pressure off, and start you building some trust.... which is a massive factor in being able to be intimate with someone.

i really struggled to let my bf in to begin with- i had wicked trust issues and a lot of emotional brick walls up. just talking about it a little, and having him just accept it and go with the flow and not be all fussed or weird about it made a big diference. once it was out in the open it lost a lot of its power and the status it had in my head as being a big deal. it really quickly got to the point when if i clammed up randomly we could joke about him needing to get his sledgehammer out, take up rock climbing, etc to get past the walls.

needless to say he made it through the psychological assault course that is my emotional craziness, and for some reason i can't quite comprehend has volunteered to experience it up close and personal on a permanent basis, the lucky chap. if i hadn't of said anything, who knows if that would of happened.

i reckon if he cares about you, he'll deal with it. at least give him enough info to make a good go of it- better that than have him guessing whats up and end up wondering if he smells funny, has sweaty hands or bad breath, or you don't fancy him, or something random like that. :D

as for doing nice things.... little things are just as good (if not better) than flamboyant gestures. my bloke really likes it when i sneakily and randomly buy a chocolate bar that he likes, then put it somewhere where i know he'll find it- its like a suprise treat that shows i thought of him. i'll give him a little unexpected compliment now and then- or leave a note thanking him for something, or reminding him about something nice we did together (like a walk we went on) and how it made me feel, telling him how much i appreciate something he'd done/about his personality- on his laptop, in his work boots, etc, for him to find when i wasn't around. the same things that make you feel good about you, they work on boys too.

[shannon1976]

I know exactly what you are going through, I have fear of getting close to someone and believing that people like me because of things in the past, bad relationships, I didn't have a close family and I feel that I never developed socially in school because I wouldn't talk much, fearing I would say the wrong thing and being picked on, etc. I had a relationship with someone for 8 years, thought that I knew him and he turned out to be a drug addict and I had to leave him, sell my house, get a new job, move out on my own and it was hard for me to trust people from that point and I have also been the one to return to a bad relationship for fear of the unknown of a new one, it is a bad cycle and I'm glad that I broke it. I met a great guy and he liked me a lot and I told him everything all at once, I wouldn't recommend that as I did this and he was taken aback by it but now he understands it, that I have been through a lot and if this guy loves you he will understand, I would just bring it up in conversation and not make a big deal about it. Now I actually have friends and relationships with people and I am me, something that I was always afraid to be.

[Chrysalis]

thanks for the replies! i guess i'll just bring it up the next chance i get. I'm getting a gym membership for december too so i can burn off stress that way. I really do not know what else to do. I also have social anxiety and I'm scared that will turn him off too. I have had so many potential relationships end because I'm not talkative enough or affectionate enough (or because the guy was a jerk) that I fear he won't be able to handle it, just like the other guys can't, and I"ll lose him. I mean I'll be okay without him. But I'll be so disappointed if he turns out to not be different after all. Yeah I don't know. I'll try to talk to him this week.

[TreeManEarthSteward]

A GOOD GYM of one sort of another is a good idea.... Work stress the F out :) you're bound to thereafter have better (good) luck with the emotional stuff, as your body generally will be more tuned in and so too, your mental focus and emotions after doing exercise! :) Exercise has just as much mental benefits as physical I kid you not! :up:

[NZVeggie]

I can understand the fear of emotional intimacy. I had a string of relationships.... the longest one lastest 3 months. Each time I would break up with them because I felt things were getting too serious. Then I met my 'great guy' and it was heading the same way... until one day I told him that I have some intimacy issues and he was really accepting of that. Because he still wanted to be with me I calmed down and stopped thinking about it too much and from then on things went smoothly. We have now been together for over a year and things are getting better and better.

I definitely think telling him at least the very basics will help a lot. If he is as great a guy as you say he should be very understanding and may even be able to help you work through your issues. As for becoming a 'bitch', I think that is usually due to fustration at some aspect of a relationship. Communication about how you feel can prevent this from happening as everything is out in the open.

Good luck!

[SuicideBlonde]

I get close in the physical scene to fast. I always hold a lot back with who I really am and my emotions. I put up a strong front. It hurts worse to get left when you put your all into it. It takes a while to really get to know me.

Anyway, I understand.

[Chrysalis]

UPDATE

i mentioned some of this stuff to him and he's very understanding and patient. I actually find him easier and easier to open up to the more I spend time with him and we're moving at a pace that seems to work well for both of us. I was afraid of being rushed along like most guys try to do, but it's not like that at all (one of my ex's would yell at me for not opening up enough to him. I ended that rather quickly)

thanks again for the support. i think i'll manage okay even if i blunder a bit :)

[hoodedclawjen]

oh, yey! that sounds like a pretty wonderful update- i like that kind! :D

[TreeManEarthSteward]

:hamster: