sister says my kids are unhealthy and attacked me for "this vegan crap"

[speckled6]

Ok guys...today has been emotional to say the least and at this point I am so upset I don't know what way is up.
My sister called me today (a rare occurance) and told me that she was calling because she had to vent to me since she was tired of venting to my mom. She proceeded to tell me that my kids are not healthy and I can be a vegan for myself if I want to be a freak, that's fine, but my kids are not old enough to survive on this kind of diet and they have bruises all over them and it's from a lack of milk and a lack of meat. When I bit back that my kids only eat one meal a day at home during the week because they eat breakfast and lunch at school she proceeded to tell me that my a** is home and I should be feeding them at home and that if I didn't do something about the bruises my kids have then someone is going to call social services because I am not making sure they have the nutrition they need and the state says they need milk and meat and eggs.
At this point I started to tell her that the gov't should stay out of my business and she hung up on me.
She called back a short while later and told me that she didn't have a problem with the vegan issue, but I am not raising my kids right and they need more nutrition and I need to make sure they get a multivitamin and milk every day (did she not listen when I told her that my kids eat at school everyday?)
Here's the thing...I do not restrict my kids on what they eat when not at home, and even still at home they get pizza about once a week because with 6 kids I am busy and I know it's bad, but it's an easy fall back option that I know they are getting protein and calcium and carbs. My kids have bruises because they are daredevils and they play rough--my one daughter has been getting beat up at school during recess and I just found out about that on friday after school and I will be calling the school to discuss that tomorrow.
I told my sister that I am doing the best I can and I have never once told anyone else in the family that they shouldn't eat meat or anything else.
I wish I had also told her that I am not judging what they do, but for me...I don't want to consume animal products because a great deal of suffering goes into those products and I don't want to support that. But I was far too upset.
I basically screamed at her that I deal with enough sh** day in and day out doing the best I can for my 6 kids by myself because their dad is a deadbeat and not here and I don't need that kind of crap from my own family.
Am I wrong guys? I mean, I know on here you are all going to say that a well balanced vegan diet is a healthy diet, but what if they don't like alot of the food I cook? On the other hand...how many kids eat hotdogs and ketchup for weeks on end because that's all they want and are perfectly healthy?
I am beside myself with anger right now. I didn't ask for this. I got sick, I needed to change the way I ate for my health...as I read things to help me I couldn't ignore the facts staring me in the face about the dangers of the SAD for my kids. I changed what they eat at home too because I feel it's better for them if they are getting real and healthy food at least one meal a day and on the weekends. I don't stop them, as I said from eating meat or consuming dairy products when they are away from home...I even told my sister to think back to what my kids ate at my parent's house yesterday--ribs, brats, hotdogs, potato salad, baked beans, chips, salsa, pie--does that sound restrictive???
I guess the thing that bothers me the most is that rather than being supportive, it sounds like even my mom is on my sister's side about this and they are all sitting around talking about what a bad mom I am (my sister also launched into my kids behavior and how it's out of control and that's all my fault too and I need to do something about it now so they don't end up in juvenile hall). Really, right now I don't need anyone else attacking me. I truly have enough of it already.
Any words of encouragement or thoughts on how to deal with this would be much appreciated. If I can't figure a way to deal with it I will probably just become a closet vegan and not talk to them about it--which would mean I have to cook meat for the kids and keep milk in the house just for appearances. I don't want to do that, but I just don't know how else to handle this.
Best wishes,
jean

[karenlovessnow]

I'm sorry that you had to put up with that...do your kids go for regular check ups by a pediatrician? I would think if there were a problem with their health, it would show up in their bloodwork. I don't have too much advice on raising kids veg*n as I didn't eliminate animal products from my diet until a few years ago and my kids are all adults now. I'm not even sure I would even trust myself to do a good job raising kids veg*n even if I wanted to. I know it can be done, however, and I imagine it takes some planning and care. I think even omni kids can have a poor diet as kids are often times very finicky about what they eat. I would definitely do some research to see what kinds of foods you can make that will give them the proper nutrition they need and that they will actually eat. Good luck! :hug:

[Tofu-N-Sprouts]

Karen has good advice. The bottom line is what your pediatrician says about your kids' health.

There's a ton of things that could be addressed here, but it seems that the main issue is your family and relationship with them and the way everyone communicates. It sounds like they are as frustrated with your situation as you are.

If they have problems with the way you raise/feed/discipline your kids, they need to come to you with constructive advice, not criticism. Easier said than done, I realize. Are you worried about Social Services? Unfortunately, it can't be helped, but the government sticks its nose in places it doesn't need to be and a bad attitude towards them won't help your case if that were to happen.
What would they see if they came for a "typical" vegan meal at your house? Would they wonder why your children eat at school and not at home? Would they see that your children are getting a variety and not just vegan "junk"? Would they have issues with what you serve? If you are serving a balanced, nutritious, healthy diet that your kids get adequately filled up on, there is no reason for you to worry. There are many sources proving that a vegan diet is healthy for kids - if you provide the right nutrients.

Besides, If they are eating 2 meals "non-vegan" away from home, and one vegan meal at home, they are probably getting plenty(ugh!) of the "meat and milk" your sister seems worried about.

Surely if behaviour, bruising/health and nutrition were "real" issues, you would have heard concerns from a school teacher or counselor or day care provider by now, about at least one of your kids. Heck, I have three kids and I hear from their school about things (not always bad) pretty often!

What do you do during the day? Do you work outside the home? How old are your kids? And do they eat/like the vegan foods you provide or are they maybe complaining/looking for sympathy from Grandma and Auntie?

I don't think the whole picture is painted here so it's hard to give a real accurate reply, but really, I think your sister's reaction is about a lot of underlying things rather than just how your kids eat.

[SomebodyElse]

Wow, you have every right to be angry. I'm afraid that if anyone in my family had the gall to speak to me like that that would be our last conversation. But then I am a hardass when it comes to my own business. I'm not saying you should be! But just reading that you were threatened with being reported to social services made ME angry!

Do you have any good books on being vegan, or raising vegan kids? It would be a good back up if you feel like you need to defend your decisions. Though I think it is insane that cramming McDonald's down kids' throats is considered good childcare, we have to remember that we are the only sane ones in the asylum for now.

[RunsWithFoxes]

I put up with a milder form of the same cr*p that you're putting up with from your family members. My thoughts:
+ everyone has a right to their opinion
+ it's worthwhile determining to what extent a person's opinion is based on objectively verifiable facts before listening to them. In the case of your sister and Mom, ask them how many books on human biochemistry and nutrition they've read.
+ I deliberately ignore my relatives when they try to lecture me on dietary matters. Silence is more effective than any argument. They really need to educate themselves much more before I'll even bother to climb into the ring with them. Arguing with them implies that they're worth arguing with.
+ unsolicited advice is obnoxious, whether it's from relatives, friends, or strangers - another good excuse for ignoring it.
+ based on your description, to blame anything that's happening with your kids on their diet is clearly ridiculous. Your relatives have found an excuse to be nasty; if it wasn't your diet they may well have found some other excuse. Some folks just enjoy an argument.

My advice: stick to your guns and try to see beyond the cr*p.
:hamster:

[Abbey]

Your sister definitely stepped over the line with her unfounded comments. I strongly believe that the best way to counter someone like that is to arm yourself with as many facts as you can about vegan and omni nutrition, so you can show her that your children are not deprived. I highly recommend the books "Becoming Vegetarian" and "Raising Vegetarian Children". You will definitely come away with enough knowledge to refute any argument your sister or mother try to make.

Also, instead of listening to your sister's vague worries about veganism, ask her specific questions about her concerns, such as, "do you know how much calcium a child his age needs?", or, "which essential amino acid are you most worried that my kids are missing in their protein intake?". Or, "do you know what percentage of the nutrients in multivitamins are actually absorbed by the body?". These types of questions will force her to think more specifically about vegan nutrition, and not just about her general, unfounded fears.

And as others have recommended, if you can get a pediatrician to support you and verify your children's health, that should stop your whole family in their tracks: "Their doctor says they're healthy and getting all the nutrients they need. What part of the doctor's diagnosis do you think is wrong?"

Good luck!!! My family is generally supportive of my veganism, but I don't know if it will stay that way when I have kids and feed them only vegan food (though, like you, I will not forbid any foods to them when they're away from the house; I'll just try to make sure there is always a vegan choice available).

[Dieselsmom]

My heart goes out to you. What a load to have to carry all by yourself and then to have family getting after you too when they have no idea what they are talking about! Maybe you could go on the offensive next time: toss down a book or two in front of each of them about vegan diets, and challenge them to read them through and then if they want to discuss the issue, you will be happy to. Also, along with that, tell them to watch a few video's on how animals are slaughtered for the sake of meat. But until they do that, you don't want to hear their two cents worth cause it ain't worth that much.

And just remember, you pick your friends, but family is what you're stuck with.

[Earthly Delight]

I think its healthy for children to have bruises--honestly, being active and curious is a GOOD thing. As said above--you know your children are ok and social servicies, if they did come see your kids, would identify right away that you are not mistreating your children.

I feel so bad for you that your sister isn't being supportive though. :( I would be devastated if my sister said that sort of thing to me--only because it'd mean she wasn't standing with me, but against me. *hugs* I hope she gets over herself. :(

[speckled6]

I am not worried in the slightest about social services. I know my kids get enough calcium from dark leafy greens (which I told my sister). She was also concerned about the amount of potassium they get because a lack of it can cause bruising too--I told her how many bananas my kids go through in a day--about 4-5 bunches! Then she freaked out and asked me how the hell I can afford to feed my kids that many bananas--I explained to her that it is expensive to eat this way--but what the hell kind of world are we living in when a mom is attacked for feeding her kids real food?!?!
We eat tofu about 3-4 times a week--I also feed them boca burgers so they can have the typical "burger" experience. We eat chik parm--pasta with a boca chik patty on top smothered in vegan spaghetti sauce. We eat lots of veggies--she wasn't complaining when I told her that my kids fight over brussel sprouts cuz they love them so much. We get beans in several meals a week, plus quinoa and other tasty whole grains. We eat plenty of nutrient dense food. Sure, there are times I make something and it bombs (stuffed peppers comes to mind) but I usually have a backup--peanut butter and jelly anyone?
I know that this was not just about food. As I said, when she couldn't pin me down to being strick with my kids about what they eat all the time then she started attacking me about their behavior. The fact is that I am different than my family and my sister takes any opportunity she can to pick me apart. Most of the time I just ignore it, but this really got to me when I have been struggling so much over many other things.
She also attacked me about taking the voluntary layoff from work so I could spend some more time with my kids since last year I worked 50+ hours a week for most of the year. Last year it was "You need to spend more time with your kids or they are gonna end up in juvie" This year it's apparently "You better feed your kids right and do something with them or they are gonna end up in juvie" As I told my mom not too long ago...I can't do anything right in their eyes, so why bother?
I had to go to my parent's house after my sister called earlier and I didn't even say hi to my mom. I just couldn't deal with it just then. It may be a while before I can.
Thanks for the feedback though. I will get some of the books recommended and my kids are due for a checkup anyhow so I will be keeping a food diary of what I offer them to eat and how each of them eats between now and then with a breakdown of the nutrients they are getting. If he isn't on my side about it, I will change ped's.
Thanks for letting me vent. I am still really upset, but I should be used to it by now. It's the way it always has been.
Be well.

[Aelith]

Then she freaked out and asked me how the hell I can afford to feed my kids that many bananas


Bananas are usually 59 cents a pound - how is that expensive?

I agree with the other posters - if their doctor feels they're healthy - then end of discussion. Your sister should worry about her own life.

[derwenna]

:hug: Wow. I don't have any specific advice but I just think you're doing really well to cope with all of that, you must have such a tough job looking after your kids and having to put up with your family acting like that... From your description of what your kids eat at home it sounds like they are getting plenty of nutritious food. You're the one who knows what they eat, not your sister or your mother, so you know best. If it were me I'd probably run out of patience and put the phone down on anyone who rang me and talked to me like that!! It sounds like you could do with staying away from your mother and sister as much as possible. I hope you have some friends nearby you can turn to for support, cos it sounds like your family aren't doing a great job of it.

[megbot]

Does your sister have kids? If not, this could easily be a jealousy fit. It almost sounds as though even if you were the omnivore stereotype stay at home mom allstar she is demanding, she'd still find fault that they weren't eating enough vegetables or something.

There's one of these in every family. It sucks, I sympathize, but just remember, her opinion is nothing more than an opinion. Take it with a grain of salt.

[Tofu-N-Sprouts]

I think its healthy for children to have bruises--honestly, being active and curious is a GOOD thing. It's a fine line though between typical "active" bumps and scrapes and those that raise concern...
(Please don't misunderstand...NOT IMPLYING IN ANY WAY THAT THE OP MISTREATS HER KIDS!)

Having worked in the social service field (and hating it!) this sort of thing is SUCH a tough call...
Bruises are more often-than-not indicators of other issues that teachers/caregivers/the general public will likely make the assumption that something IS wrong in the home and make a report (as they legally have to do in many positions) without looking further... This is why I recommended getting a pediatricians "OK" re: the health and well-being of the kids.