My Dad Looks At Porn.

[SOFcowgirl]

And it freaks me out. He and my mom have been married for almost 25 years. I first started to suspect something a few months ago. Every time I would go into the computer room and he would be in there, he'd quickly close the browser and re-open it, like I startled him and caught him with something he didn't want me to see. Then once I went in there and he had the headphones on listening to music. Needless to say, he didn't hear me, and I saw what looked suspiciously like boobs on the screen.
Then a few weeks ago I started to type an address into the address bar. You know how the bar will pop up with sites starting with the same letter? Well, "adultfriendfinder.com" popped up. I think he realized that I knew something, because the site didn't show up in the history for a long time, but then today it was back.
I don't know what to do. Should I continue to play dumb here? Should I tell my mom that someone in the house is looking at porn (she'll know it's not her, and it's not me, so she'll probably guess it's Dad)? I don't want to upset their marriage or anything, because my dad is already kind of a jerk (very stubborn, not very supportive, blows things out of proportion).
I dunno. I don't think I should say anything, but it still freaks me out that my dad could be trying to find an "adult friend" online. He comes home late from work sometimes, and according to him he's been at a place called "The Venice" with his friends... but I don't want to be a snoop and ask them if he really was there.
This could all be him harmlessly letting off some sexual tension, but if he's cheating on my mom, I feel the need to know. Should I snoop a bit? Or should I let sleeping dogs lie? I dunno.

[*AHIMSA*]

I would talk to him about it. That's just me though. :) I'd say: "Hey, what's ...adultfriendfinder... doing in our recent browser history? That's not a site I visit..." and see where it goes.

It may be that he and your mom are looking for a "friend". :spew: I know that's likely very gross to you, but that kind of thing is what that site is all about. He MAY be cheating or looking, OR they may be "playing" with others.

At any rate, he shouldn't be doing anything sexual and private when his kid might walk in, that's for sure. Maybe setting some rules and boundaries over computer use time is in order.

[SOFcowgirl]

Yeah... I really don't think it involves my mom in any way. From what I see of their relationship, it's not sexual in the slightest (any more anyway, they have 2 kids, me and my sister, so obviously it used to be!). I honestly don't think I've ever even seen them kiss. I guess I'm just scared to talk to him about it because me and my dad have always been on the rocks. He's not very supportive of my field of study (theatre) or my vegetarian lifestyle. He asks me every day if I want a hamburger (even though it's been nearly 3 years since I went veg), then always asks "why?" when I say no. And he seems to get offended when I tell him it's against my morals and ethics.
My sister studies agriculture, and my dad grew up on a farm, so he understands that. He doesn't understand theatre, and he definitely doesn't see it as a career. My conversations with him have become a robotic answer, because I've finally come to the realization that I will never be able to do anything right around him. Seriously. If my dog rips up a newspaper, it's my fault. If the dishes are dirty, I should clean then. Even if I've been at school and work all day, I am the one he tells to clean up stuff.
But I've come to terms with that and I know that when I move out in a year and start a life for myself, he'll see me as an adult. Hopefully.
Wow. That got off topic! Oh well.

[Chrysalis]

Yikes, I can see how that would be uncomfortable for you! Do you really want to know what he is up to, or do you just not want to see those websites pop up when you're online? How do you think he would react if you were to bring it up with him? What about your sister, does she know anything about this?

If you just don't want to see any of it, you could say "thank you by the way for clearing the computer history" or "thank you for closing the door while you were on the computer" next time he does so. Then he'll know you know and know that you don't want to know. I wish I could give better advice. You've got a tricky situation for sure!

[Tame]

He is an adult, and it is none of your business.

[operationuproar]

He is an adult, and it is none of your business.

I do agree with this. I believe it's between him and your mother. Women have great intuition when it comes to cheating spouses, but then again some women push their mates to do such. It also goes the other way as well. I'm married, and happy, but I have used adultfriendfinder to just look around. I haven't cheated on my husband, but looking is natural. Just because you think of doing something doesn't make you a bad person.

[cloudcovering]

Just sayin', I get adultfriendfinder pop-ups ALL THE TIME while i am not visiting porn. They are like one of the top 5 pop-ups I get on random freewebs-esque pages and such.

edit: I mention this because an innocent (relatively) pop-up could be the source of that site on your history rather than him legitimately looking at pr0n.

[Macylee36]

Ya but continuing to think about something along those lines just encourages temptation. If you are thinking you would rather be with someone else or you would rather do something with someone other than your spouse, then its time to have a good conversation with your significant other. Does for better or worse not mean anything anymore?

As for the original topic, families work as a whole and if one member is concerned about something then it is her business. Porn becomes a horrible addiction for many so the comment "he is an adult" doesn't really mean much. Adults consume alcohol all the time and there are many who can't control themselves. So based on that comment of him being an adult is like saying "the daughter recognizes there is a problem but because the father is an adult she shouldn't say anything and just mind her own business."

I do recognize that this is a difficult situation but I don't think it should just be ignored either. If you thinks it's just porn that's one thing. But if you really think it's cheating then maybe you should say something to the mom so she can have an "adult" conversation with her husband.

[*AHIMSA*]

I think that since she has no proof especially, she should NOT talk to her mother in lieu of going straight to source. If there's a wedge between her and her father, telling her mother what she suspects will only widen the gap between them!

[vigilant20]

Since he's on a "dating" site and it could be something serious, and there is in fact a browsing history saved, I'd give it a look and find out if it was browsing the site or just an ad.

[nookle]

I also agree that he is an adult, and it likely isn't your business. Looking at porn?!?! God forbid. Maybe they don't have a sex life, and this is the 'safe' outlet for him. You said you don't even see them kiss - maybe that's the issue?


"he is an adult" doesn't really mean much. Adults consume alcohol all the time and there are many who can't control themselves. So based on that comment of him being an adult is like saying "the daughter recognizes there is a problem but because the father is an adult she shouldn't say anything and just mind her own business."

:no: Many adults have problems with alcohol, yes - but should we call in the guard if we spy daddy sipping a brandy?

I think this thread is going to quite quickly end up split into the 'porn is fine' camp, and the 'porn is evil, and addictive and will ruin your life by pushing you into a downward spiral of self pleasuring and guilt' camp. Guess which side I'm on. :D

[*AHIMSA*]

See, the way I see it, regardless of how one feels about porn, this (whatever "this" is) is something that has been done publicly enough so that his daughter is aware of it. So, I think that since she won't be able to get it off her mind, he needs to be aware that she is aware of it and it bothers her so he can do it in a more private manner if he chooses to and she can put it out of her mind. Either way, boundaries and respect are what needs to be addressed, all around.

[Pixelle]

Ask him to be a bit more discrete about watching porn when you're around because it makes you feel uncomfortable. He has a right to a sex life but he should keep it out of family life.

You could also suggest to him to install a washer program for the computer that will delete his tracks so you can use the pooter without having to feel uncomfortable everytime you see where he's been.

[eggplant]

Yeah, I don't think it's an issue of whether or not what he's doing online is ok, but rather that his daughter doesn't want to know about it. He's an adult and can do whatever the hell he wants online, but he should be concerned about his daughter being disturbed by it.

If you don't feel comfortable saying, "hey dad, would you mind saving your porn viewing for when I'm not in the house?" maybe you could just drop some hints that you know, and he'll be embarrassed enough to be more careful.

[Scorpius]

:lol: I didn't read every post here but, my dad does to. Back in the days we had dial-up intranetz we'd get these random $60 charges on our phone bills from SOMEBODY dialing up 900 numbers at 2AM on Saturday mornings. :rolleyes: He denies it constantly, but he's also crashed a ton of our family computers from clicking on stupid porno sites after he's had a few too many.

Him and my mom have been happily married for 25+ years. It's just a quirk of his I guess. My sister watches porno and I do on occasion as well ((However neither of us crash computers because of it :lol: )), so I've just accepted it.

Kinda freaky at first, but now its just funny. I wouldn't worry.

[Tame]

As for the original topic, families work as a whole and if one member is concerned about something then it is her business. Porn becomes a horrible addiction for many so the comment "he is an adult" doesn't really mean much. Adults consume alcohol all the time and there are many who can't control themselves. So based on that comment of him being an adult is like saying "the daughter recognizes there is a problem but because the father is an adult she shouldn't say anything and just mind her own business."

If one of my kids living in *my* house opens their trap about what *I* do, they should be prepared to find someplace else to live.



I do recognize that this is a difficult situation but I don't think it should just be ignored either. If you thinks it's just porn that's one thing. But if you really think it's cheating then maybe you should say something to the mom so she can have an "adult" conversation with her husband.
There is a healthy conversation to have. "Hey mom, a popup I didn't like was on the computer, so I think dad is ****ing around on you.'

[kpickell]

Dads are guys. Husbands are guys. Guys look at porn.

[*AHIMSA*]

Guys look at porn.

Not all guys do.

[kpickell]

See, the way I see it, regardless of how one feels about porn, this (whatever "this" is) is something that has been done publicly enough so that his daughter is aware of it. So, I think that since she won't be able to get it off her mind, he needs to be aware that she is aware of it and it bothers her so he can do it in a more private manner if he chooses to and she can put it out of her mind. Either way, boundaries and respect are what needs to be addressed, all around.
I agree with you although that could be a tricky and uncomfortable conversation. One I would never want to have with my parents. I think it'd be easier to just recognize that [almost] all men, even our dads, watch porn, and that's there's nothing wrong with that, and it doesn't necessarily mean there's a problem with the marriage. You might find your mom has a vibrator too. It's hard, and gross, to think of your parents as sexually active, horny adults. Nobody wants to think of their parents that way. If it makes you uncomfortable then do talk about it. All that really needs to be said is "Dad, you need to be more careful about clearing the history on the internet." Or if you want to let him know that you know without telling him you know, leave the browser open on that adultfinder site.

[KellyBon]

10 years ago my dad left my mom after 31 years of marriage. He said there wasn't any one else and that he just didn't love her anymore. Come to find out there was someone else. Someone he had met online and had been having an affair for over a year with. He had a porn problem. We had found boobie magazines years before he left my mom and he had said they weren't his. He said they must have been left there by the movers. After he moved out of the house my brother in law went through his computer and found NASTEY porn that he had been looking at. My mom made copies of it and showed him and he denied it. He spent sooo much time on the computer the last couple of years of their marriage!
I hope your situation isn't as serious. When your parents split up it sucks no matter what age you are.

[~Wonder]

On Windows go to: C:\WINDOWS\system32\drivers\etc
Open the file called hosts, it shouldn't have an extension. Add the following to the bottom of the file and save, then restart the browser.
0.0.0.0 adultfriendfinder.com
The computer should no longer load adultfriendfinder.com

For other OSes, look for the hosts file here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hosts_file#Location_and_default_content

[Thalia]

I don't think having looked at adult friend finder means someone is cheating. Have you ever looked at it? It's insane, with pictures of a bunch of people showing off their body parts (mostly prostitutes I'm sure). Hell I look at it just for a laugh. And I have looked at dating sites while in relationships when I was mad or for fun. It always just makes me appreciate whatever I have at the time.

I would never, ever go and tell someone their spouse might be cheating unless I had absolute proof. Even then I'd probably talk to the suspect first to give him a chance to say it himself. Couples may have agreements of don't ask don't tell. You just don't know.

I wouldn't say something to my dad about the porn specifically. I would just change the settings on the browser to not suggest or store URLs.

And I would make a lot of noise before approaching the door. It just seems easier than talking openly with a parent about their porn habit. Would you want someone to talk openly about your masturbatory habits, or just have them say something more vague like, "Oh, I'm sorry, I will knock next time." or "did you mean to leave the door open?" I think polite hints are the way to go.

In everyone's life, one comes across sides of their parents that cause a bit of disillusionment causing us to realize what real, flawed people they really are. This was weird and stressful for me, but it's part of growing up. So is letting go and letting family members deal with their own issues. You can't police other adults.

ETA- if anyone felt it was their business what porn sites I had been visiting or ever gave me a hard time about anything I looked at on the net (which includes lots of stuff which would very much offend if I were a man married to a woman) I'd point to the door.

If there are problems in the relationship, then that needs to be addressed. If I have an addiction to anything that affects the relationship, that needs addressing, but that is a totally separate issue from if or what kind of porn I look at or why.

[Pixelle]

I agree with you although that could be a tricky and uncomfortable conversation. One I would never want to have with my parents. I think it'd be easier to just recognize that [almost] all men, even our dads, watch porn, and that's there's nothing wrong with that, and it doesn't necessarily mean there's a problem with the marriage.

You seem to be missing what I think is the most important issue in this.

Teenagers will often understand that their fathers have a sex life but that doesn't mean they want to or should have to become involved with it. Particularly teenage girls.

[kpickell]

Yeah, you are right.

[thalestral]

If you just don't want to see any of it, you could say "thank you by the way for clearing the computer history" or "thank you for closing the door while you were on the computer" next time he does so. Then he'll know you know and know that you don't want to know.

I think this is good advice. Regardless of what your dad is or isn't up to, it's all about boundaries and respect and that isn't something a father should be doing when his teenage daughter is around and able to walk in on him.