Happy Fun Adventures With: The Father In-Law!

[Fritemare]

I am so glad my father in-law is gone until Christmas. He is probably the most inconsiderate person I have ever met. I really wish he hadn't moved so close to us either. He was living in Washington and he just moved down to Texas about two hours from us.

Earlier in the year when we went to visit my husband's family in Washington, his dad took us all out to dinner a few times. First time we went out, it was a fish and chips place. There was nothing I could eat on the menu, but it was a childhood favorite of his so I brought a luna bar and some juice and sucked it up. Next place we went to eat was an Italian place. They wanted to order family style. I looked through the menu and realized there was barely anything I could eat. I told his mom and dad what they could order and what could be made vegan so I'd had atleast one thing to eat. When the waiter comes out to take the order, his dad orders. He picks out the two salads that come with the meal, and gets a caesar salad and a spinach salad. The spinach salad is vegan. He then moves on to the appetizers. I had just finished telling him before the waiter came out what I could have. He doesn't order it. Keep in mind, he gets to pick 6 appetizers. He orders two seafood ones, two that have chicken, and the last two have cheese on them. I sat there with my mouth shut, thinking he decided to just order one of the main courses that is vegan. I was wrong. The four main courses he picks out all have meat or cheese in them. Before the waiter leaves, my husband quickly says "You know Celena is vegan, she can't eat any of that." His dad replies "I got her a salad, it's fine." The waiter asks if he would like to change one of the main courses to a vegan option, and he says no it is fine.

I felt so horrible. I was almost in tears because of how his father made me feel. I quickly rushed off to the bathroom and cried in one of the stalls because I felt like some sort of mutant. I didn't even eat the spinach salad because the dressing had bacon in it, so I would have had to eat it plain. Unfortunately, the whole event led to my husband and his parents getting into a huge arguement because he had told them before we left the house that I could probably not eat anything at the Italian place. I've been vegan as long as they've known me. I've known their son since I was 14, and we've been married for almost 3 years. It isn't like I went vegan a week before I went to visit them.

His dad came down here to visit us this time, and I felt just as horrible. The first night he is here, he invites us to go out to dinner with him. Where do we end up? A seafood place. I ordered some salad, picked at it because it was drowning in dressing, then ate when I got home. Last night, he invited us to go out to dinner. I was smart and ate dinner before we left. Good thing I did. We end up at a BBQ place. There was honestly NOTHING on the menu I could eat, at all. You go through a line, pick out what kind of meat you want, and all of the side dishes you could get with it either had butter or bacon in them. After we get there and we are sitting down, he says "Oh, there isn't anything you can eat here?" I replied "It's fine, I ate before we left." He shrugged his shoulders and started eating.

I just really feel like he doesn't care about me or my feelings. He's never once asked me what kind of place I'd like to eat at or if there is anything I can eat at the place unless we are already sitting down and in the process of ordering. This makes it worse too. He'll open the menu up, ask "Is there anything you can eat here?" or tell the waiter "She's a vegan, I doubt there is anything she can even eat here but..." Omg, the man seriously makes me want to cry everytime I see him! Maybe it is just because my family is so accepting of my veganism along with my husband, and they constantly make sure I can eat someplace BEFORE we go there. My husband has even called places to make sure I can get a vegan meal before we leave the house. I just don't get why his dad is so unaccepting of me. I've even heard him make comments about my house keeping to my husband, or lack of rather in his opinion. He thinks I put my dishes in the wrong cuphoard, that I don't clean things well enough and I leave clean dishes in the dish washer way too long. What am I doing wrong??

[nookle]

I don't know you, but from this, my opinion is: You're doing nothing wrong. Your only flaw is likely not being from where he is, or not liking hockey enough, or not being blond, or not being like your husbands mother, or not being christian; basically not being someone other than you are. I think you'll find that you are far from alone in this situation, and there are many of us on these boards who deal with similar things. I feel for you, and I'm sorry he moved closer. One of my personal main solaces is that the In Laws live 8 hours away. This sucks, and you can always bitch here. Feel free to pm me if you want, I am in a similar situation.

ETA: Quick question - I know you have a little sprout. Did you find it all got far worse after having his grandchild?

[IamJen]

(((hugs))) People like that are the pits. Is he leaving soon? :p

Does your husband know how this makes you feel? Honestly, (imo) I think either you or he should confront the man the next time he pulls something like this. Unless it's his birthday or something, he should be more understanding about the restaurants. As for the comments about housekeeping, etc. that's just way out of line. Let him complain to his wife all he wants, but while he's in YOUR home, shutting the f up is just good manners.

((hugs))

[karenlovessnow]

Wow, so sorry you have to put with that. The man has a serious problem. I'm not even sure I can give any advice as how to deal with him. I'd be crying everytime I saw him too. He needs someone to put him in his place. There is no reason why he can't order whatever he wants and have you talk to the waiter/chef and have them fix you something you can eat. Going to Italian restaurants is best for me because I can always get pasta with garlic/olive oil and maybe some broccoli or other vegetable. They can order family style if they want but you should still be able to order something for yourself. I'm thinking he is probably a bully and knows he can get to you...and that just makes him all the more a not so very nice person. I hope your situation improves. I can't imagine having to have someone like him for a family member. :hug:

[Fritemare]

His mom and dad are actually divorced. She just went out with us because of the baby. His dad has been remarried two or three times, he is currently divorced. He actually divorced my husband's mom because her house keeping was also not up to his standards.

It seems like since Ares came around things have gotten worse, though. I was vegan through my pregnancy and his family was sort of upset by that. Ares was also premature (I got the flu and the puking made me go into labor a month early) and his parents have implied it had something to do with my diet. He had to stay in the hospital for a week, so I was unable to nurse because I couldn't get anything to come out with the pump. His parents were also upset with me about that, because they think I dried up once again, because of my diet. The way his mom talked to me about giving Ares formula instead of nursing him made me feel like I was the worst mother in the world. It honestly wasn't my fault. I wasn't allowed to nurse him while he stayed in the hospital because he was fed through an IV. When he came home, I tried to get him to nurse but he wasn't strong enough to latch on, so the doctor recomended I just give him formula.

I'd bitch to him, but the man scares the hell out of me for some reason. I used to complain about him constantly to my husband, who in return would get into a huge arguement with his dad which is why I just stopped complaining about it. When they don't agree with something, they just fight about it which involves a giant yelling match filled with lovely four letter words.

[nookle]

It seems like since Ares came around things have gotten worse, though. I was vegan through my pregnancy and his family was sort of upset by that. Ares was also premature (I got the flu and the puking made me go into labor a month early) and his parents have implied it had something to do with my diet. He had to stay in the hospital for a week, so I was unable to nurse because I couldn't get anything to come out with the pump. His parents were also upset with me about that, because they think I dried up once again, because of my diet. The way his mom talked to me about giving Ares formula instead of nursing him made me feel like I was the worst mother in the world. It honestly wasn't my fault. I wasn't allowed to nurse him while he stayed in the hospital because he was fed through an IV. When he came home, I tried to get him to nurse but he wasn't strong enough to latch on, so the doctor recomended I just give him formula.




Because we're not insecure enough about being new moms without this ****. I'm really sorry you have to deal with this. I also found, for some inexplicable reason, that everything got so much worse after I had my daughter. I don't think there is a way to deal with this. Just ignore it, but if it continues to be a constant, actually frequently present in your life issue, then it's your husband's responsibility to deal with it. I know I sure as hell wouldn't put up with my family treating him like that. And he should tell him that there is no need for fighting, it's simple. Either treat my family with respect, or not at all. Not an easy thing to do, but something that would need to be done.

[IamJen]

Hm. I understand the idea of not wanting to rock the boat, but he shouldn't be allowed to disrespect you in that way. It's going to wear on your marriage, and what about when Ares is older and he can understand more of what's happening? Now, I don't suppose a huge shouting match will get anywhere, but maybe there's some way to lay down the law...to say that if he can't treat you properly, then he should just stay home. :sealed:

<<reminds herself to hug IS's folks' tight, when we see them in a few days. Typical annoying parent stuff aside, they're pretty bitchin' in-laws. They even ask about things they might pick up at the grocery store before we get there.

[nookle]

...<<reminds herself to hug IS's folks' tight, when we see them in a few days. Typical annoying parent stuff aside, they're pretty bitchin' in-laws. They even ask about things they might pick up at the grocery store before we get there.

Absolutely not foretelling doom, but the bizarre thing is, apart from my father in law's general weirdness, my in laws were good until Sofia came along. I always considered myself lucky to not have to deal with the crap so many deal with. There's something about the whole grandparent thing that seems to bring out this kind of stuff. As if all of a sudden they think they have a right to be like this. I don't know. It really threw me, because I did not see it coming, and it hurt to have lost the support exactly when we needed it most.

[Kiz]

Wow, what a pig. Regardless of the vegan issue grabbing the menus and ordering for everyone is beyond appalling in it's domination. It's blatant rudeness. The old "I get to choose because I have a penis" went out years ago. Can you just stick up for yourself? When the waitperson asks you what you want just say so loud and clear. Just order your food. Bugger him, it's not his business what you eat. It's not bitching to him and there's no reason to be scared. What you order is between you and the restaurants. When he's up you make the dinner reservations. It might mean you have to pay for your own meal rather than him but that's a small price to pay to stop some ****wad bossing you around.

[nookle]

Wow, what a pig. Regardless of the vegan issue grabbing the menus and ordering for everyone is beyond appalling in it's domination. It's blatant rudeness. The old "I get to choose because I have a penis" went out years ago. Can you just stick up for yourself? When the waitperson asks you what you want just say so loud and clear. Just order your food. Bugger him, it's not his business what you eat. It's not bitching to him and there's no reason to be scared. What you order is between you and the restaurants. When he's up you make the dinner reservations. It might mean you have to pay for your own meal rather than him but that's a small price to pay to stop some ****wad bossing you around.

:up:

[leminchyl]

ive read enough dear abby and seen enough dr phil episodes to know that youre lucky your husband is standing up for you. as for your father in law, i think its about time to tell him how you feel. take the advice of iamjen-- tell him hes not welcome in your house if he cant respect you and make sure that your husand agrees and abides by that.

[SuperChicken]

Is there a reason why you must go to dinner with this awful man? Could you or your husband perhaps refuse the next dinner invite, saying that you and he have such different tastes, perhaps it's better to spend time together doing something else that is more pleasant for everyone involved?

If that isn't possible, I agree that you should simply order your own food no matter what he wants. You're a big girl and can choose to feed yourself whatever you like without his supervision or approval.

[nookle]

Is there a reason why you must go to dinner with this awful man? Could you or your husband perhaps refuse the next dinner invite, saying that you and he have such different tastes, perhaps it's better to spend time together doing something else that is more pleasant for everyone involved?...

This is a good idea.

[Huckleberry]

Is there a reason why you must go to dinner with this awful man? Could you or your husband perhaps refuse the next dinner invite, saying that you and he have such different tastes, perhaps it's better to spend time together doing something else that is more pleasant for everyone involved?

If that isn't possible, I agree that you should simply order your own food no matter what he wants. You're a big girl and can choose to feed yourself whatever you like without his supervision or approval.

Why does she need to spend time with him at all? If someone is rude and mean to me I cut them out of my life.

[Kiz]

That's not always possible with inlaws.

[nookle]

Particularly when there are grandchildren involved.

[Fritemare]

Yeah, before I had Ares I honestly never saw the man. I'd just let him and my husband go out to dinner or hang out in another room when he was at the house. Now that the baby is around, he seriously follows me room to room. "What's baby doing? Whatcha doing with baby? Where are you taking baby?" His name isn't Ares by the way, it's baby. His dad doesn't like the name Ares so he just calls him "baby".

I'd love to just stay home when he comes over to pick us all up, but I don't want to send Ares by himself with them. If I asked to stay home with Ares, they'd probably not go.

At the place where he ordered for everyone, they ordered family style. It means that you get larger portions of whatever you order, and it comes out in courses so everyone shares. I should have just added a giant bottle of wine on to the order and put him out of my misery.

[Huckleberry]

That's not always possible with inlaws.



Particularly when there are grandchildren involved.

Yes, that is true. But, this man is getting away with intolerable behavior because he can. Maybe, if the consequences of his actions meant that he couldn't see his grandchild he would at least learn to be civil.

[avocado]

:hug: im sorry you are going through this.
we were having similar problems with my inlaws (pretending i dont exist when i speak to them, making jokes about how they kill animals and otherwise being nasty to me)
my husband confronted them on these issues, and set boundaries. they know what is unacceptable behavior and if it continues, it will result in a cut-off(permanent or temporary).
MIL is now somewhat civil in that she never asks about or mentions me to my husband. i dont need to talk to them or see them if they come to visit.

would your husband be willing to set boundaries and consequences?
hope this helps

[Kiz]

Yeah, before I had Ares I honestly never saw the man. I'd just let him and my husband go out to dinner or hang out in another room when he was at the house.


That might be part of the problem. He may resent you snubbing him. While I usually try to be nice to people if someone consistently ignored me like that there's a very good likelyhood that I'd ignore them right back when it came to ordering. It's one thing to stand up for yourself. It's another thing to be deliberately rude.

[pkk]

Just my two cents but, in the long run, snubbing a spouse's family can be fatal to a relationship.

[nookle]

Just my two cents but, in the long run, snubbing a spouse's family can be fatal to a relationship.


I think though, that what's being recommended to the OP is not snubbing.

[Kiz]

No, but her post suggested she was the one that began by snubbing him by scooting off to other parts of the house whenever he turned up and refusing to go to dinners. I'm not surprised he became a little more hostile, even if he is a prat by nature. These things always swing both ways.

[VeggieFrank]

wow, what a clown.

other than tolerating his total disregard of your feelings, or ostracizing him from your lives, your best bet might be to call him on his behavior. you'll have to take control (with hopefully full support of your hubbie), and clearly state what is and isn't acceptable to you, let him know how you feel. that's half the battle, there's sure to be fallout. how you deal with the fallout might determine the outcome. but really, that strikes me as better in the long run, don't know about you.

good luck to you, i know we're all pulling for you!





my husband quickly says "You know Celena is vegan, she can't eat any of that." His dad replies "I got her a salad, it's fine." The waiter asks if he would like to change one of the main courses to a vegan option, and he says no it is fine.

[Fritemare]

That might be part of the problem. He may resent you snubbing him. While I usually try to be nice to people if someone consistently ignored me like that there's a very good likelyhood that I'd ignore them right back when it came to ordering. It's one thing to stand up for yourself. It's another thing to be deliberately rude.

This went both ways. He never spoke to me before I had our son. He'd come over, and start talking to my husband and pretend I wasn't even there. After awhile, I'd just walk off to another room because the conversation didn't involve me. My husband would come and say he is going out to dinner with his dad and ask if I'd like to go. I'd usually decline because they were always places I couldn't eat at. Now that I have Ares, his dad invites me specifically to go. Before, this wasn't the case. He'd have my husband ask if I want to go or not, and if I didn't it wasn't a big deal. Now that we have a child, it's different.

I've never been what I would view as rude to his father. I road in a car with him once to go pick my husband up from work so we could all go out to a movie before I had Ares, this was about three years ago. I'd try to start conversations with him, he'd just kinda shrug or grunt back at me. Why even bother if that is the only response I get out of him?