My sister's boyfriend is about to ask her to marry him...

[Cassiel]

...and I am not sure what to do. They are both grownups - he is 51 and she is 43 - but a great deal of the time, I don't think they act like it. My judgement is not at issue, however. I certainly can not tell them what to do. He did come to me this evening to tell me he was going to ask her to marry him tomorrow. They've only known each other for 7 months, and our mother died 2 months ago and we're all still reeling from it. He wanted to talk to my dad, but my dad wouldn't talk to him (dad has been pretty reclusive in his grief other than going to work, though he talks to me quite a bit because we live together). I told him I had my reservations about it. I haven't told my dad as my dad will be working tomorrow and not be at the event. I am not sure if I should tell him or allow Steve to tell him, though he certainly won't be able to tell him before it happens, now.

I told Steve, "you are grownups, it doesn't matter what I think. But I know my sister, and she is very emotional and prone to get excited about new things. That doesn't make for solid judgement. Additionally, I find the timing poor. But I will always support her in her decisions even if I don't agree with them." I didn't know what else to say. No, no, no! Don't do it! She's flighty and unreliable and so are you and there are kids involved (my sister has 5, he has 1), and besides, she wants you to save her from her grief and that will interfere with what little thinking she's ever prone to do!

Can anyone offer me advice? My brother and I are, so far, the only ones who know about this.

[NotYet]

No advice but I wish you luck and positive vibes! Situations like this are hard on the whole family. How young are the children? Are they all still young enough to be traumatized or just annoyed/hurt? Is there a way you can speak directly to your sister about it without getting her boyfriend upset about you 'ruining' the surprise?

Rebbecca

:hug:

[isowish]

You're right, you can't tell them what to do though you might think you know better. I think maybe you adding on that you're all still grieving by saying "additionally" and adding it on as a kind of side-point might have detracted from him taking it seriously when you have a very good point there. I would recommend talking to him again, not mentioning either of their personality traits/what you think of the relationship/etc and approach it only from this timining point of view. Say that you think your family are not ready to enjoy this happy time that an engagement should be, because of your mother's death, and that it would be much better to wait until everyone would be able to be fully happy for them. I don't know if this will work :(

Other than that, I don't have any advice. It sounds like a tough thing to be powerless over, especially when you've been through so much recently. I'm sorry. :hug:

[Cassiel]

Thanks. The kids are 5, 7, 9, 12 and 15, and his daughter (I think) is about 8. So, pretty young.

I'm just so frustrated with them. I think my sister would be upset if I gave any hint away to her, though I am sure she already at least suspects he will ask her. I understand the desire to move on with our lives at some level, but I also think that in a time like this your desires should probably give way to your consideration of other's feelings.


I am not sure I will get another chance to talk with him before the occasion, but if I do I will suggest that he wait.