I want children but my husband may never

[kashmirbuddha]

First I want to say that I didn't get married with the idea of wanting children. I was 20 at the time and didn't see it as something that would be in my near future. However, now that I'm in my late 20's I have changed my mind and would like to have a family. My husband still feels that he doesn't want children. We have talked about it until we were blue in the face, so there's no lack of communication on this issue. What I'm faced with now is this: do I stay in a marriage where I may never have children or do I divorce the man I love? I am so torn about this issue that my work production has suffered. We've been married for 7 years and I'm not happy with the idea of giving that all up, but I'm absolutly miserable. Any help?

[zoebird]

i think that taking a hiatus from thinking or talking about it will help. give yourself some time and space. . .and go from there.

being in your late 20s, you have probably 15 years of fertility left, plus the option of adoption, so it's not that urgent of a question per se. taking a bit of time to not think about it, and resting the mind and focusing--with gratitude--on what you do have. . .you'll find the right solution eventually.

[Pixelle]

do I stay in a marriage where I may never have children or do I divorce the man I love?

Only you can answer such an important life decision.

Maybe if you're having trouble coming to a decision you could try talking it over with a counsellor. It might help to clarify your thoughts. :)

[asp3]

What are his reasons for not wanting children? Are they reasons that can be overcome? Would he be willing to have children if he wasn't expected to be a "father" and if so would that be an acceptable way for you to have children?

People change and if they are moving in different directions I don't find it unreasonable for people to split up. It's painful to split, but if you look in your heart and ask the question of how important it is for you to have a child or children what do you feel?

I think another important thing to do is to make sure you have a realistic vision of what having a child is. Be sure that you are not trying to recapture your youth or trying to create someone who you'll try to direct to live the way you wished you had.

Remember when you have a child you are committing yourself to raising someone to be a wholly independant person who might turn out to be someone you won't even like. You must be willing to let go of many of your personal wishes and desires in order to be there for this person. This person needs you to be there for them and you must be willing to commit to being there for them.

Before you throw away an existing relationship be sure you are not looking at parenthood through rose colored glasses. Take it from me it can be a painful, frightening, disappointing experience. However it can also be a wonderful experience.

I'm not in the camp of putting your decision off. It will take you time to find another partner and be sure that this person is someone you *really* want to share parenthood with. If this is really important to you then I say go for it. But be sure you are being realistic and sure this is what you want before moving on.

[Michael]

What I'm faced with now is this: do I stay in a marriage where I may never have children or do I divorce the man I love?

I could never understand this line of thinking. I am not marrying my fiance because I want children, I am marrying her because I love her and want to spend my life with her. Yes, I want children but if we can't/don't have them I really don't think that'll affect the foundation of our relationship.

I kind of wonder if this is the result of some other problem. Why would you divorce someone you supposedly love just because you can't have children? I guess it's hard for me to understand.

[animallover7249]

I was thinking the same thing as Michael. If you love him, wouldn't you want to be with him despite some differences? You married him to be with him - not to make children.

[*AHIMSA*]

I am not marrying my fiance because I want children, I am marrying her because I love her and want to spend my life with her.

You're getting married? WOW! A LOT has happened when I was gone! Congrats! :smitten:

[cookingVeg]

Have you talked to a counsellor, either individually or as a couple?

I don't want children and my husband thinks he does, so I'll face this dilemma one day. (We're 28.)

[Fona]

Stop taking your birth control and don't tell him :D

Sorry, I think if there is no way that you can go on with out kids then thats more important so divorce him. If theres no way you can go on without him, then he's more important and you're not going to have kids. He may come around to the idea in the future.
I agree with pixelle, try talking to a counsellor about it. Will you resent him for it later if you stay with him then it gets too late to have children?

[*AHIMSA*]

Stop taking your birth control and don't tell him :D
:furious: Not even funny if said in jest! :evil:

[zoebird]

i think that it's appropriate to say that this might be a 'deal breaker' for various families.

for some people, part of their personal vision is seeing themselves as a parent as well as a partner as well as whatever religion, or career, or hobbies or what have you. . .some people are very specific in a number of ways. . .so it's pretty intensive for some people.

for my husband and I, the idea of it being "just us" whether we choose not to have children or can't, is a happy thing. it is enough for us to be as we are now, to nto be parentss.

but for some people, it's not enough. and that's ok. if it's not enough, then they do need to move on and find a partner who wants to be a parent. it's not the right thing to 'force' on anyone in any way. it's way too much of a commitment.

[Shajen]

:furious: Not even funny if said in jest! :evil:

Agreed, my brother (19, unmarried, and unaware) became a father that way.

[SuperChicken]

What if he was sterile or otherwise incapable of having children, would you still consider divorce? Also, you said you did not want children when you got married, but you changed your mind afterwards. Doesn't seem fair to me that your husband should have to change too or risk divorce. In fairness, he married someone who did not want kids.

Of course people change but I tend to agree with Michael and animallover7249.

[zoebird]

i agree that he did marry someone who didn't want kids--and that that should be honored.

but it doesn't mean that the other has to give up the vision of herself.

divorce really isn't a bad thing. it can be a great thing. it can allow people to find others with whom they are more compatible. she can find someone who is great and wants to have kids, and he can find someone who is great and doesn't want to have kids. it's a win-win.

[kashmirbuddha]

Just so we are clear about a few things, since I must have left this out, we have been to counseling a couple of times (separate and together) and have had very long, intense discussions about the subject of "children". He also had some pretty huge rage issues, which have been delt with, that started me thinking about other things in life that I could be missing. Some people change a lot from the person they were when they married to the person they are today. Neither he nor I even practice the same religion we had when we got married. In fact, we both practice a different religion (I'm now Buddhist and he's a Secular Humanist). My point is that I have a right to want children and he has a right not to. The question I haven't been able to answer is how it will affect our relationship in the future.

[kashmirbuddha]

Stop taking your birth control and don't tell him :D

Sorry, I think if there is no way that you can go on with out kids then thats more important so divorce him. If theres no way you can go on without him, then he's more important and you're not going to have kids. He may come around to the idea in the future.
I agree with pixelle, try talking to a counsellor about it. Will you resent him for it later if you stay with him then it gets too late to have children?
Being that dishonest with a partner is never the answer. In fact, the real person that suffers from that act is the child. Very manipulative...:(

[kashmirbuddha]

If he was sterile, which he is not, I would still want to have a family. Adoption would be the next option. Am I supposed to be deprived of children simply because I've changed in the last 7 years? I doubt you are even the same person you were 3 years ago let alone 7. Don't be so quick to judge me.



What if he was sterile or otherwise incapable of having children, would you still consider divorce? Also, you said you did not want children when you got married, but you changed your mind afterwards. Doesn't seem fair to me that your husband should have to change too or risk divorce. In fairness, he married someone who did not want kids.

Of course people change but I tend to agree with Michael and animallover7249.

[Diana]

Kashmirbuddha: I would strongly advise you make no decision for a year (more or less).

I think the people who are scoffing at you saying you married HIM and not to have children, do not realise that people change and evolve and that the person you were a few years ago is not the same one as you are today.

I would say those people have a kind of a religious view to marriage... that when you marry you need to stay with the person regardless. You know "till death do us part" kind of crap.

When the time is ripe, you will know what to decide.

Children are beautiful people to share one's lives with. They teach us so much... and they have so much to offer to the world... and they are part of the cycle of life.

[Skylark]

Kashmirbuddha, I know some people who say they want kids for any number of reasons, but when it comes down to the hard work of raising kids, they realize they don't like it. How are you with other people's children? Have you spent significant time in child care? When a person says, "I want children," they need to know what they may be getting themselves into. You can never know exactly how it will be, but you can get a good start. Can you handle children with disabilities and/or mental disorders? There are no guarantees in life that this may not happen.

Maybe it's not your husband whose mind will change. Maybe it's yours. *shrug*

[Fona]

Sorry, if I offended people I was joking, I wasn't actually saying it was a good idea.

[Diana]

Sorry, if I offended people I was joking, I wasn't actually saying it was a good idea.

Bah... some people on these boards get offended even if you say boo. Don't worry about it.

The idea is probably tempting for many women who want children, but probably is a bad idea. But I bet it sometimes works - when the guy knows he's going to be a dad, he may very likely change his mind and get all excited and paternal. But it's risky.

[delicious]

A woman's fertility begins to drop at age 25. Many women who wait until their mid-thirties to become pregnant find themselves unable to become pregnant. If you are in your late 20's you may not have that much time to think about it.

You have to figure out what's more important to you, staying with your husband or motherhood. Unfortunately, no one else can give you that information. But, from what I've read/noticed most women's desire for motherhood increases as they enter their thirties, so I'd expect your feelings to intensify.

I wish you luck in making what is obviously a very hard decision.

[SuperChicken]

If he was sterile, which he is not, I would still want to have a family. Adoption would be the next option. Am I supposed to be deprived of children simply because I've changed in the last 7 years? I doubt you are even the same person you were 3 years ago let alone 7. Don't be so quick to judge me.

I'm not judging you, and I certainly don't think divorce is a bad thing. But you did ask for opinions and I'm trying to see this from another perspective. You are being "deprived" of children because you changed your mind. Just saying that if I were your spouse, I'd be pretty pissed about the lack of regard for my feelings and I'd probably feel betrayed. Or maybe he would rather divorce you too instead of compromising and as Zoebird said, it could be best for both of you. Who knows?

I think Diana is probably right about waiting to make a decision though, and I understand that this is a "deal breaker" for a lot of people. If you believe in something very strongly and all efforts to earnestly resolve the situation have failed, I agree that you don't have much choice.

[bluesand]

Kashmirbuddha , just out of interest , what are some of the reasons your husband doesn't want children ?.

[Wolfie]

I could never understand this line of thinking. I am not marrying my fiance because I want children, I am marrying her because I love her and want to spend my life with her. Yes, I want children but if we can't/don't have them I really don't think that'll affect the foundation of our relationship.


Awwwww . . . that's so sweet.

To the OP, sorry, I have no advice. Good luck to you.