family problems, need advice or just someone to listen

[avocado]

ok, my sister(i will call betty) has a little girl(i will call amy) amy is 2yrs old.betty goes through men about as often as i change my socks. amy knows 4 different guys as "daddy".amy dosnt know much stability as she keeps getting shifted around from place to place, she sleeps at 2-4 different houses throughout the week. bettys current live-in boyfriend is 20yrs older than betty, lost his license for DUIs and spent a year and a half in jail for shooting someone. he dosnt want amy around a lot because she makes too much noise(he objected to amy spending an entire week with betty). betty only works part time, but hardly ever takes care of amy. betty uses my grandmother as a free nanny service. once in a while betty will decide she wants to play mommy for a while and will do so until she gets sick of amy. i know what its like growing up with a mother who isnt interest in being a parent, i dont want amy to go through that.

most of my family is really screwed up.so much so that my husband and i decided that our children will never be alone with them.i have called child protective services on them several times. i adore my niece and i dont want to see her get hurt in anyway.i just dont know how to protect her.

also, my grandfather is a known childmolestor. betty leaves amy in the house while he is there.i dont think he is ever alone with her but i cant imaging leaving my daughter in the same house as this man.

[pkk]

Amy has these things in her life: a alcoholic guy who shot someone and doesn't like the noises children make, a child molesting great grandfather, a mother who leaves her in the house with the great grandfather, no permanent roof over her head, and to top it all off, she doesn't know who her father is.

I think the answer is obvious. Get her out of there.

[juno]

Oh, poor Amy. I'm not sure what the laws and procedures are over there, but maybe you can ask social workers to take your niece in for a while and help you figure out the best solution to the problem. Good luck!

[Wolfie]

also, my grandfather is a known childmolestor. betty leaves amy in the house while he is there.i dont think he is ever alone with her but i cant imaging leaving my daughter in the same house as this man.

Is there documented proof of that? That alone should be enough for CPS to do something. Maybe they would let you foster her until her mom wakes the hell up.

I don't get people with stay with someone who doesn't want their kid around. I won't even date a guy who doesn't want dogs around.

[avocado]

amys real dad has shared custody with betty(he and betty were married when amy was born. they are now divorced) the other guys amy calls "daddy" are the other guys betty had been going out with.amys real dad is great with her. there is a record of my grandfather doing this but no conviction(my mother convinced my sisters to "change their story a bit" so he wouldnt have to go to jail.he did have to go to counseling and answer a bunch of questions as if this "makes up" for what he did). i have called social services and made police reports several times, they lie to protect each other and theres not enough evidence to take the kids away. it seems they know just what to say to get away with it. thanks all

[fadeaway1289]

Does Amy's dad know all that goes on? If he is a great father could you maybe talk to him about fighting to get full custody of her?

[hoodedclawjen]

you know, this probably isn't of much practical help, but i was thinking how lucky amy is to have an aunty in her life who cares about her so much.

no matter what happens, if you keep being consistant, honest, open, caring, loving, and most importantly sane around her, she'll at least have one person in her life who she can come to, and rely apon to be a good rolemodel and source of support- and thats a start- someone like that does make a big difference in a childs life, no matter how chaotic and distressing it otherwise is.

don't give up, just keep plugging away at it, and something will happen. maybe when she's just a little older she'll be able to disclose things herself, and things like daycare and the school system will be able to get involved, and that'll help get wheels turning.

[IamJen]

Agreed with not giving up. Even if it takes a long time, it's worth it to get Amy out of there.

If the dad is an okay guy, I second the idea of helping him gain custody. Having your support would be a big plus to his argument.

I used to work with a lot of families in scary situations. We had one where the daughter (whom I cared for during the day) had all sorts of untreated skin issues, was malnourished, often dirty, and at one point, allowed to take a toke of her parents' weed. The mom then had another baby (while boozing and toking up still). At this point, the mom's sister decided to seek custody. It took about 10 months altogether, I think, but after hearings and lots of paperwork, the two munchkins found a safe home. There were a lot of tears that day. :)

Don't give up.

:hug:

[Silver]

Can you offer to take her into your home? It sounds like your sister would welcome that arrangement. That little girl is utterly defenseless.

[Silver]

DON'T LET HER GO INTO FOSTER CARE!

[avocado]

i have offered to take her in, so has my other sister(ill call mandy). my other sister and her husband almost took temporary custody of amy but they had too many rules for bettys taste(like a bedtime for amy. betty wanted to be able to visit amy at 3am if she felt like it) mandy and her husband said this was unacceptable so betty called it off. when my husband and i offered to take her in we lived about 120 miles away, this was too far away as they still want to see her often. we recently moved over 2000 miles away. whatever happens, i wont let her go to a foster home. my mom and aunt grew up in foster homes and horrific stories of the treatment they recieved.

[Wolfie]

Just to clarify, I didn't mean she should go into the foster care system. I just know sometimes CPS lets stable relatives foster while a parent gets their act together.

[rabid_child]

Just to clarify, I didn't mean she should go into the foster care system. I just know sometimes CPS lets stable relatives foster while a parent gets their act together.

... which is foster care. A very high percentage of children in foster care are in what is called "kinship care" which means they are cared for by a relative. (Those these children don't actually do any better long term than children in non-relative foster homes) Being in foster care is certainly better than neglect, endangerment, and possibly molestation.

To the OP: Is there any way you could volunteer to care for her when her mother wasn't able to at least get more consistency in Amy's life? You might also talk to her father. Maybe he doesn't understand how bad the situation is when she's not with him and he might want to fight for full custody.

[avocado]

i have offered to take her in, they dont want amy so far away from them. we are in seattle, they are in illinois. i will try talking to her father and my other sister to see if they can take her. amys dad knows about the issues about my grandfather, but he may not know about bettys creepy live-in boyfriend. as far as i am aware, he only knows that this guy is bettys "sugardaddy"

[thebelovedtree]

The only advice I can offer is keep trying, keep trying, keep trying. My parents are in the process of getting custody of my niece, and she is now living with them. My sister is allowed only supervised visitation her dad is allowed none.

My niece is about to turn 2 and it's taken a year and half for them to get this far. It's been made easier because of the situation with my sisters now boyfriend. It's been documented that he's hit her, he's been kicked out of the hospital for holding his hand over her mouth and nose, he's held her and my niece hostage at his house, he's tried to burn my sister's eye out with a cigarette, etc.

Eventually social services will see through your sisters lies and take the baby away, they just need enough other people to keep telling them what is really going on. My sister played the social services people for a long time but eventually it caught up to her and she no longer has her baby.

I really hope everything turns out for the better, soon your niece will be old enough to speak and if social services questions her about her life they'll listen.

[IamJen]

Keep going with the dad..it sounds like the best option for getting Amy out of there. If the mom is putting the child at risk by having this dude live there, then that should bolster the dad's case.

[bethanie]

Can you fight for custody?

B

[bethanie]

nevermind, i see you are far away. Do keep fighting for her though.

B