Boyfriend driving me mad!!!

[SupersonicSheep]

Sorry but I just need to let off some steam here! I was making a lovely butternut squash korma yesterday and my boyfriend asked why I wasn't putting yoghurt in it. I turned vegan (went straight from omni to vegan) about a month ago. I explained to him (for about the fifth time!) that I wasn't consuming dairy products of any kind any more. He asked why and I did my best to explain it to him. Today I sent him a link from the Vegan Society website about the exploitation of dairy cows and he just called me at work to say that he didn't see anything wrong with any of it and that farmers do what they need to do to survive. I had to put the phone down because I was fuming. I wanted to go off on one about all the issues and how heartless he is etc but I can't cause I'm in the middle of an office and some people already think I'm strange for not eating meat. So I had to blow off some steam here - sorry! If anyone has been in a similar situation with a boyfriend and has any suggestions as to how to deal with it please do let me know. I've got to the point where I don't want to discuss food with him because he thinks my diet is a big joke and just laughs at me most of the time. I could go on about the other things that annoy me - like how he doesn't mind if products are tested on animals - but I'd be here all day!

[animallover7249]

You can't change how he feels about the issue, even though it would be great for the animals if we could change everyone's minds.
If he doesn't take your views as serious business, and as if they aren't worth respecting- maybe you should talk about that. It obviously hurts your feelings that he doesn't watch out for your feelings in it. Just because he feels differently, doesn't mean he has to see you as a joke. Tell him that. He doesn't have to agree with you- but he does have to respect you!

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[SupersonicSheep]

You can't change how he feels about the issue, even though it would be great for the animals if we could change everyone's minds.
If he doesn't take your views as serious business, and as if they aren't worth respecting- maybe you should talk about that. It obviously hurts your feelings that he doesn't watch out for your feelings in it. Just because he feels differently, doesn't mean he has to see you as a joke. Tell him that. He doesn't have to agree with you- but he does have to respect you!

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

I've had a go at him for not respecting me before but he just says "Of course I respect you babe" but he says it while he's laughing, like I'm a child having a tantrum or something! :confused:

I told him that it's fine if we agree to disagree. Life would be boring if we agreed with each other all the time. I just don't understand how he can read about animal exploitation and not be affected by it though. I know he doesn't have any interest in animals but I didn't think he was heartless!

[Lentil Burger]

If anyone has been in a similar situation with a boyfriend and has any suggestions as to how to deal with it please do let me know.Dump him.


I've got to the point where I don't want to discuss food with him because he thinks my diet is a big joke and just laughs at me most of the time. I could go on about the other things that annoy me - like how he doesn't mind if products are tested on animals - but I'd be here all day!This isn't about veganism - this is about whether your boyfriend respects your choices, your feelings, and the things that are important to you. If he mocks you and treats your diet as a joke, then he isn't worth wasting your time on. Even if he doesn't understand or agree with your choices, he should respect them and take them seriously.

[animallover7249]

If you've had a talk to him before about respect, and he pretty much blew you off- it's time to move on.

[SupersonicSheep]

If you've had a talk to him before about respect, and he pretty much blew you off- it's time to move on.

Thanks for the advice but it's not going to come to that. I just wanted to let off some steam cause what he said made me angry. He'll probably tell me later on that he was joking when he realises just how much he's upset me. That's what usually happens. He'll get a piece of my mind later on!

He's not a bad person and I'm sure he probably does respect my decison to go vegan. I think he's just not quite used to the idea yet. I keep getting "I could never go without meat" and "it's not normal not to eat meat" from him which I've just ignored so far. He does keep asking me to make him meals with meat in them though which is really pushing it! Before anyone asks I've said no every time much to his disgust! Instead of making the meal himself though he's been ordering takeaways! He's so lazy! It's not like he doesn't know how to cook a meal for himself.

I'm trying not to be preachy about the whole vegan thing but sometimes it's hard when he's constantly questioning what I'm eating. I think it's mostly curiosity but it does get annoying.

I came home with vegan toothpaste the other day and he started laughing. I asked him what was so funny and he said "you're getting so eccentric lately". What???

[Lentil Burger]

I keep getting "I could never go without meat" and "it's not normal not to eat meat" from him which I've just ignored so far.Whenever he says something like that, just blank him for five minutes and refuse to speak to him. He'll soon get the message.

[SupersonicSheep]

Whenever he says something like that, just blank him for five minutes and refuse to speak to him. He'll soon get the message.

Thanks. I think he's just trying to wind me up when he says that. He seems to get a laugh out of trying to wind people up. Not to hurt anyone. He's just trying to be funny and sometimes he pushes it too far. I guess I am a bit touchy about the whole vegan thing at the moment because it's new to me and I'm expecting to get interrogated by everyone (which I have been so far!). I suppose it makes me a bit overly defensive.

I think I've calmed down now anyway, at least until I see him later.

[Lentil Burger]

Thanks. I think he's just trying to wind me up when he says that.Respond in kind. I bet he'd feel a little wound up if you started talking about his small penis in front of his friends. ;)

Seriously though.... you're right, he's looking for a reaction. But it may take a little of his own medicine before he realises how such behaviour makes you feel.

[asp3]

Thanks for the advice but it's not going to come to that.

Based on what you've written it sounds like he repeatedly enjoys getting your goat. It also sounds like he seems to say things he knows annoy you and is rather flippant in responding to your reactions.

Is this really the life you want to live? Do you want a relationship where you know you are going to repeatedly have to defend your decisions and accept his dismissal of them? In some ways it sounds slightly abusive to me.

If you don't want to break things off, then I recommend telling him that your diet and your animal rights opinons are off limit for his kidding and joking. If he's able to respect that boundary, then I'd say you're right and he was just kidding. If he keeps it up, it sounds to me like he doesn't give you the respect you should be able to get in a relationship.

[zoebird]

say "ok, you believe that's an appropriate thing to do, then fine. i don't, and this si why i'm not consuming dairy. you asked, and i answered. i respect your right to your opinion; i expect you to respect my opinion and the choice that follows."

in my mind, he may not "get it" (i mean, even my omni husband 'gets it' and only consumes from certain small farms, etc)--but the point isnt' that he get it, but that he stops asking you about it or trying to get you to eat things you don't want to.

eventualyl, he may get it, but right now, all you really need is respect and support. :)

[Chrysalis]

It sounds like you've explained it to him many times and he doesn't get it. At this point I would recommend not explaining anymore, just say something like "i've explained my reasons to you. I don't expect you to completely understand or even to agree. But, this is very important to me." If he still bothers you about it, don't react with anger. Try saying you are very disappointed that he can't show respect for your personal choices and that joking is not respectful, hurts your feelings etc. Say you expect a boyfriend to be supportive of your choices and be respectful of them. Set boundaries eg no more discussing your diet (or whatever would make you feel more comfortable). If after that, he continues to be a jerk about it, and doesn't respect the set boundaries, well....that shows that he is NOT just joking and NOT just being a funny guy who doesn't realize he's taking things too far.

[Hang~Ten~Honey]

I see two different issues here. One is that he doesn't share the same values you do and the other is that he mocks/belittles the values you have. Each issue requires a different approach.

People fear what they don't understand. People also tend to personalize everything. So, he may not understand the concept of AR and since you went vegan, he may be worried that soon you will be finding fault with him and how he lives. So it's possible that he's just being very defensive in preporation for that. Have you asked him why he laughs at your new vegan/AR path? Does he truly find it absurd or is he mocking/laughing at you out of an imature defensiveness? Many people use mocking humor as a way to deflect attention away from themselves and to boost their own insecure egos. Either way, it's wholly inappropriate for him to be continually disrespectful, especially after being asked to stop.

What are your intentions for this relationship? Can you be with someone who doesn't share the same values and beliefs as you? Are you wanting him to eventually change? Changing yourself and then expecting him to follow suit is not fair to him and if he feels pressured to change, it's only going to make him feel resentful. If you don't expect him to adapt a vegan/AR lifestyle, then make sure you don't behave in ways that are disrespectful to him. Let him know this as well, if you haven't already. I think if he hears from you that you will not pressure him into changing, then he will be more likely to drop the defensiveness and offer you the respect you need.

I'm an AR vegan with an AW omni spouse. He's still figuring what his beliefs are and has chosen to eat vegan at home but will accept animal products away from home when offered. At times, our differing values can be a challenge for both of us, but we understand that we are on our own paths and there has to be a certain amount of respect for that.

[SupersonicSheep]

Based on what you've written it sounds like he repeatedly enjoys getting your goat. It also sounds like he seems to say things he knows annoy you and is rather flippant in responding to your reactions.

Oh my god! That is so spot on! It's true that he's constantly trying to be the funny guy and if I don't think something is funny and am offended by it he sometimes tries to make out that I'm the one with the problem and says that I don't have a sense of humour.

In fairness to him we had a big long chat last night and I told him that he wasn't being very supportive. I told him that he doesn't have to agree with me but he shouldn't mock me either or constantly bring up the subject (unless he is genuinely interested of course). I think I got through to him because I got a big apology from him. He said he has accepted my new diet and lifestyle and he genuinely was only trying to have a laugh with me. That's just his personality I think. Even his family get annoyed with him for going too far with a joke sometimes. We share a similar sense of humour and normally I find him really funny but I guess he just picked a touchy subject.

As for whether I want to change him. I would love it if he eventually became vegetarian or vegan but I would never push him down that path. He is what he is and diet wasn't an issue when I met him so it's not going to be an issue now. He's on some crazy diet where he's living on milkshakes at the moment to try and lose weight (that could also be another factor in him mocking my new diet - he's miserable because of his diet!). I don't know what I'll be like when he's cooking meat in the house again. As it is I find I can't stand the smell anymore.

Thanks for all your views and opinions guys. It really made me take a look at the situation from the outside.

[cftwo]

That's great that it looks like just a sense of humor taking the wrong path. I'm glad he's come around and hope things stay good with you guys! Maybe someday you can get to the point where you can say that you won't cook meat in the house, but he can eat it any time he likes (even in your presence) when you're out.