Does no future mean no relationship?

[outlaw]

I've been wondering about this a lot lately and i'm interested what you think about relationships that don't have a future.

Recently I realised that I see no future for my relationship with my bf. This is the 3rd time we've been together and while I really do care for him and have fun with him, I know that this won't last. As we're both young and neither of us are looking to settle down soon, I haven't thought twice about continuing with the relationship. However he is beginning to bring up the future more and more, asking hypothetical questions about us settling down. We are planning to live together next year, in university accommodation with many others so its not the next step, he is just quite shy and doesn't want to move out where he doesn't know anyone. But it also makes me think about what would happen next. He feels it could bring us closer together but I see little point. I know this may sound harsh but we have a difficult relationship although it is going well now apart from my thoughts. I have no intention of leading him on but when we talk about it he makes it clear that he doesn't see us settling down either. We both have different ideas for the future and take things as they come. For this reason I stay with him as well as knowing that my feelings could change, especially as I mature more.

Sorry for that long rambling, after all i'm interested in your thoughts. Could you stay in a relationship that had no future for you? & what would constitute a future?

[Sevenseas]

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship that I felt had no future. I would be in a relationship whose future was completely unclear/undetermined, though.

[synergy]

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship that I felt had no future. I would be in a relationship whose future was completely unclear/undetermined, though.

:yes:

I think that as soon as you feel it's pointless... it becomes pointless. It also sounds like the two of you are on very different wavelengths. It would probably be kinder to let him know how you feel so he doesn't go on planning a future for the two of you together.

[MRSSHF]

The problem with staying in a relationship where you know there is no future is that you aren't really IN the relationship. You're really looking for the next relationship. Or at least that is my experience in hindsight.

I sure wouldn't move in with the guy because you know that this is a relationship that doesn't have a future, and when you or him find someone better, your living arrangements are going to get awkward.

[outlaw]

Thanks for your thoughts, yeah i know what you all mean. I've had relationships fade before and its the worst time. While I don't see a future I think the main problem is that part of me hopes there will be. I know my mind can change, I never thought I'd get back with him but I did.
We have talked about problems to do with living together as I've always had concerns. In a bigger house I have few problems with it, as theres enough people & space for it to be less awkward. I have also said I don't see the relationship lasting the year and he accepts that.
I don't know, I guess theres just a lot of confusion for me :(

[1vegan]

I have also said I don't see the relationship lasting the year and he accepts that.
I don't know, I guess theres just a lot of confusion for me :(

To me it sounds a bit like "friends with benefits", only the friend part ain't that strong either.

Why is this better then being single?

[outlaw]

To me it sounds a bit like "friends with benefits", only the friend part ain't that strong either.

Why is this better then being single?

I'd disagree about the friendship part. I'm intrigued as to how it doesn't appear to be strong from my posts as for me its probably one of the strongest parts of our relationship. Nor is it about not being single. I do not want to be in a relationship for the sake of it, but in this case while I don't see a future, I do still want to be with him. As I said before, apart from the future thing our relationship is as good as it can be, I enjoy being with him & care for him more than as just a friend. It not about being in a relationship, its about being with him. In my last post I realised from what people have been saying, that what is probably keeping me in it as well is the hope that my thoughts could change. Both of us still have maturing to do and to figure out what we do want.

[Alfiedog]

If you met someone tomorrow who completely swept you off your feet, would you break up with your bf?

[earthling00]

If you were standing on a street corner, and a bus came along, would you get on, not knowing where it was going? Would you get on if you knew it wasn't going to a destination you wish to travel to? What if you didn't care which direction it was going in?

Rhetorical questions, all.

If you have no future, romantically, it doesn't mean you have to evaporate from each other's lives. It may mean, however, that a bf/gf involvement isn't going to lead you to the whole significant other + co-habit + matrimony + parenting + soulmate enchillada.

Friendship is always worth maintaining, since we all could use more friends who really love us. You may have some maturing to do, some growth to open up to, but hey, who doesn't?

Try to allow this connection to evolve in its own way, without expectations of where you think/desire/hope/wish the bus to go. Most importantly, stay true to yourself and respectful of your friend.

We're all in this together.:hug:

[Thalia]

I think whatever you decide, it's important that your partner know how you feel. Make sure you're both on the same page or a year from know he'll propose and be crushed when you say you were just with him because... whatever reason.

No, I wouldn't stay with someone if I knew for sure there was no future. Each day is more attachment and it makes it harder emotionally when you eventually split. Plus, it is at the cost of not being able to date someone else, suddenly get up and move or whatever. I don't think it would be fair to date someone and suddenly, with no warning break up because something else exciting pops into your life. It's keeping someone in your back pocket.

[Chrysalis]

I think it depends what you're looking for. There are some people perfectly happy to be in relationships that aren't going anywhere because they're not ready for a 'real' committment and it's a fun way to pass time. I'm not really of that school of thought but it's all what you make of it.

To answer your questions
1) No I could not stay in a relationship that had no future. For a while I was content to date without the intent of it becoming serious, but now I would prefer something more lasting. As others have noted, it's important to be upfront with the person about such intentions.

2) a future to me means the person will still be in my life and we'll still be happy with each other and happy with our lives in general. I'm not sure that I'm hooked on the idea of marriage and kids but as an example, if my hypothetical partner told me he never ever wanted to move in with me (or vice versa) then I would see us having no future.