things with my boyfriend

[ReginaCeltarum]

Hi all. I need some input. On Saturday (St. Pat's day) my boyfriend was supposed to get to my house at 8-8:30, after eating at his sister's. He had promised he would come because I really wanted him to come. Also, that day in the morning my aunt died. I spoke to him on the phone around 6:00 when he had just gotten to his sister's place (this was the only time i spoke to him- he has rehearsal all day) and I told him my aunt died, and was saying how i wish we could have seen her one more time, and it made me sad, etc.. and he wouldn't even stay on the phone because he "was a guest in someone's house" (as he said when i pointed it out later on). we get of the phone, and in a while i text him and ask when he will be here, and it was like pulling teeth to get him to give me a specific time. he didn't want to 'eat and run'. fast forward... he doesn't come and i don't hear from him til 10:30. he is "so sorry" and he "lost track of time" because they all started talking after eating and he never checked the time, and had left his phone in his coat. what the Hell??? I was (and still am) upset and really hurt by this. he forgot about me. i am upset about it to begin with, and it hurts even more that it was the day my aunt died and he didn't make any effort to be there for me. I am really in doubt about our relationship now. Not just becasue of this- there are other things that I am unhappy about- but this happening really says something to me. whether he meant to or not, he completely forgot about me and was not making any effort to be there for me (and to just show up like he promised) otherwise it would not have happened. It just shows i can't depend on him to be reliable and i don't want to give him any more opportunities to disappoint me like that again because i don't trust him to be dependable and be there for me anymore.

some background- I have been doubting whether we can really be together long-term for a while. I almost broke up with him in February because I was sick of everything and he behaved very inconsiderately one day. I won't go into the whole story of that though. and last spring, in April he had broken up with me. And he contacted me in June explaining everything and asked for another chaance, so we have been together again since July.

What do you say? I have other questions I might ask you for opinions on too.

[Chrysalis]

I think you should follow your own judgement. It seems to me like you already know what you should do for yourself.

If it helps at all, I do understand where you're coming from. In my first long term relationship, my boyfriend wasn't there for me on the day my grandfather died. He was already at my house when we got the news...he just sort of hugged me awkwardly then made up a lame excuse about how he had to go or his mom would be mad at him for being late (his mom is really nice and would have understood considering the circumstances). He left me in tears after my asking him to stay. And yes, it really hurt. I think maybe some guys (women too probably) just don't know how to handle emotional moments, as in it makes them feel awkward...maybe your bf is like that? I mean I'm not excusing his behaviour, but, it is possible that he's not trying to hurt you, but just doesn't get it. If that turns out to be the case, I don't think you should let that affect your decision since you say this has been happening for a while. I mean, when you're unhappy, you're unhappy. I think you should do whatever makes you happiest in the long run.

[Thalia]

I think it would be worthwhile to make a clear, but unemotional statement about how it made you feel and what your expectations are for the future, and that way, if you decide to get angry or break up, it's not like he wasn't warned, you know for sure you communicated your needs to him. The possibility that you aren't communicating effectively or assertively should be explored first. But if you feel you are asking for what you need and want and not getting it, well, you have to decide if that's ok with you.

Did he actually agree to come over at a certain time, and was it clear to him this was really important to you? If so, then I think what he did was disrespectful.

I also hate to mention this, but he did break up with you once before, and this sort of neglectful behavior is the sort of thing I have had happen to me by people thinking about ending the relationship. Maybe he wants out but instead of talking to you about it, he's being passive aggressive.

[ReginaCeltarum]

I don't think so, because he was very apologetic, and wanted to make it up to me somehow, which I felt wasn't really possible, nor would it be easy.

He did know it was important to me, and after i basically had to nag, he told me a certain time he would come. A few days before he had promised he would come.

I told him exactly how i felt that night on the phone, and then on thursday. (we didn't talk between) On thursday i said how much it bothered me that he didn't even make an effort to be there for me, when i would have for him. He said he didn't believe me that I would have left my family early to be with him if he told me someone had died. And that really bothered me that he said that.

[Thalia]

On thursday i said how much it bothered me that he didn't even make an effort to be there for me, when i would have for him. He said he didn't believe me that I would have left my family early to be with him if he told me someone had died. And that really bothered me that he said that.That's really odd. It sounds like he's making an excuse, "You wouldn't do it for me, so why should I do it for you?" He should do it because it's the right thing to do. If he really thinks you're that big of an a-hole, why is he going out with you? Or perhaps he has a totally different standard of right and wrong in relationships? That statement is very unsettling.

[ReginaCeltarum]

I aksed when I am not there for him, and he said somehting like, I'm never "really there" I don't get that. I am going to talk to him about it again and ask more specifically what he meant.

[HandcuffedAngel]

I have to agree with Thalia, his turning you into the bad guy is very strange, indeed.

You weren't even discussing you. He was just trying to turn the tables to get the heat off himself.

[Rahkoon]

Oh, this reminds me of one of the glorious things MY ex did to me something like 2 or 3 years ago.
He had left for a month (vacation in Taiwan) and the day he came back, he was supposed to see me. Then he said "oh well my friend's moving out today, this is the last chance I have to see him, do you mind if I see him this afternoon". I wasn't all that happy about that but I said well, whatever, sure. He said he'd call me back later in the day and see me in the evening. I waited for the damn phone call until 11:30 pm, tried to call him etc. No luck. The next day he calls me (or I call him? I don't remember) and he goes "oh well yeah sorry we watched soccer on TV and I fell asleep". I wanted to strangle him, I didn't, but I should have. He had been cheating on me during his vacation anyway (and even after that) but I only found out a year after that, and he wasn't the one to tell me.
Anyways, sorry about hijacking your thread. But my conclusion is, if it's not clear as water, I'd recommend you to step back and have an open-heart conversation with him. And if he makes you sicker than what you deserve, he might not be worth you being unhappy for him.

[TheFirstBus]

Well I figure you should try to trust your own judgement, you could make the right choice or fall flat on your face. Still I think you should trust your own judgement, if you let other people make all your choices for you and let go of your own judgement you will just lose your sanity. Which doesn't mean you can't ask for help here.

Well I am off to slash some tires, hehe
Good luck

[Poppy]

It doesn't sound like he is as emotionally invested in the relationship as are you. If he's not into it, you really can't expect the relationship to be rewarding in an emotional way - for you.

[ReginaCeltarum]

I feel like I put more into the relatioship than he des at times. And I am still upset about ast weekend and hurt by it. We are talking again, but I feel like I am just going through the motions and that everything is still not ok.

[cftwo]

It sounds like you're pretty upset about all of this, and his responses aren't making you feel any better about your role in his life. In the end, you need to follow your instincts, but from what you've written, I think your instincts are telling you to back off from the relationship, maybe take a break, maybe break up entirely.

[ReginaCeltarum]

That is what I'm thinking. At least asking for time alone and apart to think bout everything. And to focus on some things that my worry is distracting me from.

[danakscully64]

I find his behavior in no way acceptable. I think that if he truely cared about you, he wouldn't have lost track of time because you should have been on his mind the whole time, especially if he knew about your aunt. I'm not saying he doesn't love you, but a guy should NEVER do that.

Trust your instincts. I'm not saying to break up with him, you need to make that decision on your own. My sister has been saying about her babys father for more than 4 years that she doesn't want to marry him. Why the F*** was she with him for so long? I don't know. They finally broke up 2 weeks ago for good. Why they brought a child into that kind of relationship, I have no clue. They're not the brightest people I've ever met...

Sorry if I sound a little hostile, I'm honestly upset that your boyfriend would do that to you! That's so messed up!

[ReginaCeltarum]

Thanks. I felt that way too about what he did.

[4EverGrounded]

<brutally blunt opinion>

Dump the bum. He's not worth your time, he's not worth your enegry, he's not worth your love and he's certainly not worthy of you. NO man in their right mind would EVER "lose track of time" and ESPECIALLY not when there's a death in the GF's family. Picking his friends/family over you and your needs was his loud and clear message that he'd rather do what makes HIM feel good and screw anyone else's feelings. His "justification" to you over it afterwards was an even louder message that he doesn't care (wtf with that "I don't believe you'd be there for me so I don't have to be there for you" bulls hit? What is he, 3? GEEZE! :grr: ) Do you really want someone THAT short-sighted, selfish, unreliable and uncaring about anyone but himself?

IMO, this was just one more in a long string of immature actions on his part so lose the looser and move on. You owe it to yourself to find someone who will love you, be there for you, and not break your heart every chance he gets.

You deserve better than him and he deserves to be kicked to the curb like the STANKIFIED garbage that he is. :junk:

</brutally blunt opinion>

[colorful]

Regina - so sorry to hear about your Aunt. :hug:

I agree that your boyfriend really messed up. You have every right to be upset and you should make it clear to him that it was unacceptable.

HOWEVER - I don't know if it is necessarily grounds to dump him. Examine your overall relationship - think about what you LIKE about him and what you don't. When I look back at my dating relationship with my now husband, there were definitely some rocky times and definitely some times when he acted like just as much of a jerk as your boyfriend just was to you. I think it was just a combination of his immaturity and his resistance of committing to a relationship - there were times when he would blow me off as a way of asserting his independence and not feeling "tied down." Does that make any sense? Doesn't make it right, but that could be an issue and it doesn't mean that he isn't into you or doesn't love you.

I definitely wouldn't let this slide - but if you are thinking of breaking up with him, make sure it's about your relationship as a whole, rather than this one incident.

HTH!

[danakscully64]

How long have the two of you been together? Has he ever done something like this before? If you've been with him for a while and this is the first time, then I would honestly say he didn't mean to hurt you. But if this isn't the first time... then you should really analyze the relationship.

[ReginaCeltarum]

How long have the two of you been together? Has he ever done something like this before? If you've been with him for a while and this is the first time, then I would honestly say he didn't mean to hurt you. But if this isn't the first time... then you should really analyze the relationship.

Gorunded's blunt opinion made sense. We have been together since July '04. He broke up with me in April '06. Contacted me in June, apologised and explained and verbally grovelled (of course I made him) and asked for another chance. So in July we became a couple again. Adn I made it very clear I wanted things to change for the better, and not much has. This incident hurt and disappointed me so much and it broke my heart that he did that. Intentioney or not, he didn't have enough care to avoid it happening. Lke Grounded said, the action really says a lot. We have been talking lately, but I don't feel that everything is ok. It just feels like going through the motions. And during the time when we weren't talking, I was telling myself it was the end and that I will end it. I am just still hesitant to.

[BlindLemonPep'r]

My wife and I had a rocky period later in our relationship before we got married. Neither of us really thought it would work out for either of us, which made it even more rocky. Ultimately you have to ask yourself how much you would like for the relationship to work out, and whether or not you can wait out the rocky period. The same goes for him, he has to decide the same thing. If you both come through that wanting to keep the relationship together, then there is likely nothing that can ever tear you two apart. Otherwise you will both come through that realizing it is just a waste of time and you will split more amicably. Alternatively, one of you could just end it now if you do not find waiting for him to work through his stuff worth the wait.

Honestly, I think it sounds like he is not 100% sure of the relationship either. Not that this is a horrible thing, it could just mean he is at the stage where he is evaluating where he is, and what he wants to do. He could come out of this later wanting the relationship to work out and be a great person for you. That is no guarantee however, he could come out of it a total butthead. Nobody is ideal 100% of the time, but they do get a lot better with age.

Or he's just a total butthead. You know the real him better than anyone else. If he really is the total butthead, drop-kick him right on his butt-head.

[ReginaCeltarum]

Thanks everyone. I am really thinking it is the end though. We haven't spoken in a couple of days, only texting occasionally. We normally talk every day. The thing is, it doesn't bother me that we haven't talked. I don't care now. It feels like everytime something happens, then everything is ok until the next thing happens. Lots of things in the relationship have been really bothersome to me for a last couple of months, at least. And I am just not happy, and after what he did on St. Pat's, things are not okay. I really feel like I should be alone. I just don't know how to bring it up.

[HandcuffedAngel]

This happened with my ex and I. Things just stopped being okay and I stopped being happy. There was an excessive amount of anger and tension in me.

Then one week at bowling I decided I was fed up and I told him we needed to be apart for a while so I could evaluate my life. I was hoping things could turn out okay.

Well he didn't get the hint. He kept calling me everyday and one night I went and stayed with Al and Joel and my ex would not stop calling me and texting me. I went ape on him. I totally freaked out and screamed at him for hours about ruining my night out with my friends. Then I told him that I would not be with him anymore and I ended it.

You really just need to be a little assertive. Let him know all that's bothering you and tell him that you just don't see it working out for you. Tell him that you are not happy and he obviously isn't fretting much over your happiness in the relationship and that you know you deserve better.

Plus, if you are unhappy then it is going to show and things will only get worse from this point. Save yourself and him the pain and end it.

I believe in you. :up:

And a :hug: because this is never easy.

[ReginaCeltarum]

Thnaks. I know I should be optimistic, because, you never can know. Maybe after time apart, in a few years we could possibly br brought together again. ever say never i guess. My cousin and her husband (now in 30's) were together as teens, on and off, broke up a few times. Now, married (since '98 i think) and two little boys.

[HandcuffedAngel]

[Read below post ... my internet is on fire or something].

[HandcuffedAngel]

If you're unhappy then escape. I was glad I did because I found out that loser was going to propose to me, which would have been disastrous.

I got out and I opened myself up for the opportunity to find something better. I found Allen, and I'm glad I let go of my ex.

Also, you can tell a lot about a person by how they act after a split. My ex started harassing me and putting up MySpace bulletins with stories about how I used him for money ... yadda, yadda, yadda. He also stole my Fender Squire [acoustic].

It was what made me realize I did the right thing by letting him go.