/Rant Rant Rant - Torn Family

[HandcuffedAngel]

I really just want to rant ... about my relationship between me and my family and me and my beau's family .

First off, there is my own mother. This woman treats me like dirt. Like I should just die and be out of her hair. She keeps trying to "con" me off my diet. When I was going to Family Night my mother would ridicule me in front of our family, call my diet stupid, and make false claims of buying me "tons of food" that I "never ate, threw away, never made, etc." Now ... these claims of hers are false, though not in entirety. She buys half a recipe or less, or if she's feeling really horrid she'll buy all but one item [which happens to be hard to find]. Sometimes she'll skip a recipe I requested completely. So then my beau takes me out and buys the rest of the food I need.

I am very sick, due to food allergies. However, my mother [I]still tries to get me to consume dairy. This is not only against my beliefs, but I am allergic to dairy. Then she started yelling about how I "need whole wheat" in my diet. This really threw me off, considering I had a severe allergic reaction wheat in my allergy test . She never checks ingredients labels, then gets mad when I refuse to eat the non-vegan foods she bought.

Then comes the trifles of eating out. I prefer not to eat out anyway. But she does all this, "We can't go anywhere to eat because you [I]have to be a ****ing vegan!" She'll yell for hours on end about how our choices to eat out are so severely limited all because of me.

Next comes pets. My beau and I went and got a puppy. My mother now says it is hers. I trained it, I take it out, I feed it, take it for walks, take it to Allen's house so it can have a yard. My mother appreciates none of this and actually dumped off my rabbit and my Lovebirds to some strangers, and yet if I refer to the pup as a "family pet" I get, "Excuse me?!?! The dog belongs to who pays for it!" To which I nearly answered, "Then you owe Allen $200 for what he spent on J.B. the day we got him and you owe me $200 for the rabbit and birds you dumped." I kept my mouth shut, because Allen begged me with his facial expression.

Next comes my father, who has not spoken to me in years, he hasn't even tried. He e-mails my sister and asks about me. That's all. He's never bothered to try and get a hold of me, first-hand. He has hated me since I moved out of his place because he kept calling me a "slut" and accusing of having sex in his bed .

Then comes my beau's parents. His mother [I]hates my guts because I am a vegan atheist. She expressed "concerns" about my beliefs and accused me of trying to "force" Allen to go vegan. She eventually told him he could not see me anymore, and his father told him he would get kicked out if we didn't work stuff out with his mother [his parents are divorced, but communicate regularly and are best friends]. This brought Allen to tell them we split. They have thought this for 3 months or so now. It really makes things hard on us. I'm not sure it was the right thing to do, but even though it is hard ... it's easier than it would have been were we to fight back.

I'm losing my mind. I can't find work. I can't move out. I can't move on with my life. I'm really going to snap soon if things don't get better in my life.

I just don't know where to turn.

[piratemoon]

I'm so sorry. I don't really know what I can do to help you improve the situation, but I just wanted to post to tell you that you have my best wishes and my support, and a listening ear if you want it.

pm any time,

pirate x:hug:

[HandcuffedAngel]

Thank you. :hug:

[piratemoon]

S'ok :)

[karenlovessnow]

HCA, I'm sorry things are so bad for you! :( As a parent of grown children I can't imagine having that kind of relationship with them. I don't know how to respond, except to say that it sounds like your mom has some serious issues herself. I imagine stuff must have happened somewhere down the line to make her the way she is. Sometimes if you can just remind yourself that she has a problem, it may help you to hold on. Unfortunately, just because someone is an adult, it doesn't mean they act like one or that they will know how to deal with certain situations. With regard to your dad, do you think you could ever try and make the first move and contact him? Maybe if it's been years, like you say, the relationship can be repaired. And if he rejects you, at least you will have known that you tried. I don't know. I've never been in a situation like yours. I'm really sorry and I hope things turn around for you soon.

[queenfluff]

I almost cried reading your post. :hugs:

My life isn't going great either. My parents pretty much don't talk to me and don't care about me. I try not to let it bother me even though it does. I have done really well in my life and they don't have anything not to like about what I did but, just like lots of parents, because I did not do things the way they did, they are not interested in me. They don't say nasty things to me like yours do but ignoring can be just as bad.

Right now, I am stuck living in my bf's mom house with him and her. We have the whole upstairs but it was supposed to be just a temp move until we got jobs and moved to california. Well, things aren't going well. I used to be very busy and had a great job (I got laided off) and made good money and had my own place. Now, I pretty much do nothing all day. My bf is a procasinator and I swear it seems like he is waiting for ME to get a job so we can move.

Sorry, I started talking about myself to much. But I totally feel your pain - it is the most horrible thing to somehow get stuck in a situation that should have turned out good and than goes horribly wrong and you feel so trapped.

[Isabelle]

Awww. :hug: I'm so sorry to hear that. I can totally feel your pain, I have a similar situation with my parents. They're divorced and I haven't talked to my father for five years, even though I've tried to contact him many many times (I'm 17). And my mom... She's never been supportive of me at all. I kind of understand her situation, though, cause she is bipolar. She's even tried to kill me twice when I was a little girl, just to give you an idea... I just wanted to tell you to hang in there. Have faith and keep going, and above it all, work hard to achieve your goals. Things can and will get better if you do.

[joyinc]

i'm sorry this has happened to you :( it sounds awful. my family is full of jerks too, so i sympathize, i dont have much else to say, but you are in my thoughts

[HandcuffedAngel]

Thanks so much everyone.

Things would be easier if I had somewhere else to go. All she ever does is yell and pitch hissy fits.

I know her problem is because she went from one failed marriage to an abusive one [he only ever laid his hands on me ... but he could give one Hell of a tongue-lashing].

Both my father figures were verbally/mentally abusive. Telling me I'm fat, worthless, never going to amount to anything.

My mother only cares for herself. She watches out for her own behind, no one else matters to her in the least except the dog she took from me.

I'm in agony. We had a huge falling out tonight. All of this crying is making me tired.

I am also dealing with a cutting problem. I have been clean for 3 years now, but since things have gotten so bad it's always on my mind and I am always afraid I am going to revert back to my old habits, my old addiction.

I don't know how to deal. I can't get help.

Thank you so much everyone for your support.

[Littlelove]

I just wanted to reach out and offer you my very best wishes. You poor love, I truly hope the world becomes a more beautiful place for you very soon- at least you have the love of a good man to hold you steady.

I can't offer any very knowledgeable solutions but when I once had a very difficult mother-of-boyfriend situation, I was offered the excellent advice to 'rise above it'- sounds rather unhelpful, but when I took it to heart and just thought 'd*mmit, you really are acting in a totally inappropriate way' I found I didn't get half so angry and upset with her. I kinda felt smug and like I was rather more highly evolved, to be able to bite my tongue and be the 'grown-up'.

Stay strong and take care :) And rejoice in the love between you and your beau :)

[Littlelove]

Oh- and check out my tagline. Everything will be OK.

You have to look after yourself and TRUST that things can work out. Am thinking of you. I used to self harm so I associate- please stop right now. Try to regain control on your soaring feelings with some deep, calming breathing, I find it helps to light a candle, darken the room, concentrate on the bright energy and positivity it provides, and come to some peace within yourself :)

Just know that people are here for you. You are never alone- and tonight on VB, people are thinking kindly of you and wishing you well across the world :)

[derwenna]

I've never been in your situation so don't know what advice to offer, but I just wanted to send you a hug and say I hope life gets better for you soon and that there are people here who are thinking about you. :hug:

[HandcuffedAngel]

Thanks. :)

[animallover7249]

:hug: :lovesign: I'm only a PM away-ANYTIME.

[HandcuffedAngel]

:hug: :lovesign: I'm only a PM away-ANYTIME.

:lovesign:

[sally429]

Hey I hope it gets better for you soon. I can't say that I can really relate to your situation, but it sounds awful! At least you have your bf, and we are all here to support ya!!

[Irizary]

I'm really sorry for your situation, but I have to add in here, as this is an animal-oriented board - no more animals, please. It doesn't seem that you're able to protect them. When you say that your mother "dumped" off your rabbit and birds to some strangers, I find that extremely disturbing.

[Hang~Ten~Honey]

(((BIG HUGS))) I'm so sorry that you are (and have been) going through that. It is so hard growing up with emotionally absent and/or abusive parents. I hope that you are able to get counseling for your situation or atleast can find some online support in the form of groups or literature to hep you cope. Sometimes it helps being able to go to others who have shared your similar situation.

Both my bf and I grew up in that kind of environment (him coming from a divorced and physically/emotionally distant family and me coming from a 'nuclear' family with incest and a lot of anger/denial). We are just now, he in his 30's and me in my 20's, starting to deal with what we lived through. And I am also a self-injurer and had been about 6 months 'clean' until last thursday so I know the struggle. There are a lot of helpful sites out there for SI and other abuse issues if you need any links. And feel free to PM me anytime if you need someone to 'wait out' the urges with you.

:hug:

[MandyLikesTomatoes]

I can relate to your struggles. My future mother in law and I were on and off at each others throats for about the first three years of our relationships. But with time, patience and maturity, maybe things can all work out for you.

There has to be someplace you can go, even if it is only for a little while, to chill out. A friend's, a grandparent or some other family or trusted adult?

I know you are an atheist, but some churches sponcer counciling making it much cheaper. My therapist works on United Methodist land, enabling her to be very cheap, but doesn't preach to me or anything like that. Maybe you could find something like that. If your uncomfortable with church sponcered, I bet there are other places that sponcer as well.

I know it may be close to impossible to do... But it sounds like you all could be helped out from a sit-down couciling session. But I doubt this is the time.

*hugs* As you can see, you have support. Your in my thoughts.

[HandcuffedAngel]

Thanks to you all for your ongoing support.

I tried to go with the "sit down and talk" thing, but my beau's mother is convinced that I am evil. I really think she feels threatened by me, because I am vegan and an environmentalist. She really makes a huge deal out of it, and says the environment is "crap".

She is so terribly immature. I don't think I'll ever be able to reconcile with her. I think, though, there is a possibility that once Allen and I move in together and eventually marry ... his father may come around. Maybe. I know his mother never will. We plan to break contact with her and if she finds us I already made it clear I wasn't going to hesitate to put a restraining order on her sorry butt.

She is ruining my life now, but I won't let her destroy me forever.

[VeggieFrank]

:help: holy cow handcuffed.. i'm so sorry for all the "stuff" you're dealing with. i hope we can be at least provide some moral support as you work through it. sounds like you were dealt a pretty bad hand, but you can do it. it isn't how many times life knocks you down, it's how many times you get back up.

[MandyLikesTomatoes]

I wonder if this whole situation is pushing your relationship too fast. I beleive you that this woman is all in arms against you, I've been there. My future MiL was going through lots of stresses, caused in part by me - The fact that her son was growing up, moving out, finding another woman. How does Allen feel about his mother, if I may ask?

I know you want to move in with him. I know that desire, I caved to it. I went straight to my boy's apartment after moving out of my parents. Looking back now, I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do. I never stood on my own. I did learn things from it, but one of the things I think I learned was that if I didn't keep Neil around, my anxieties would get me. I'm still learning to deal with that, but I'm getting better...

"Running away" may seem like the perfect solution now, but in the future, you may want those ties back. Think about you beau. It *is* his mom.

I am no way trying to tear you down, I'm just saying there are a lot of different sides to this and *maybe* you taking it a bit fast because I see refections of my story in yours. Obviously it's your choice! :)

It hurts me so much to hear about your family and future family breaking apart like that. *hug*

[HandcuffedAngel]

My beau is here right now so his views on his mom are coming straight from him. This is what he has to say.


"She is a controlling whore, and I do not like her."

So ... uh ... I hope that answers your question.

As far as my ties with my family, the one with my father is already pretty much severed and I feel like I will be better off without my mother trying to bring me down. I am perfectly willing to rekindle ties with my own parents when they are willing to grow up and start acting like adults.

We are working together for our future and we are confident that we want to be together and set up our future as a team.

[MandyLikesTomatoes]

We are working together for our future and we are confident that we want to be together and set up our future as a team.

The sounds like a good plan. I hope you can stick together through it, it does sound like your trying hard to make this all work!

About your parents needing to grow up... That's one of the saddest things about growing up, it's relizing how human your parents arre (some cases worse than others...) I hope you keep forgiveness in your hearts though...

Really, my heart goes out to you, and I wish you the best.

[HandcuffedAngel]

Being human and being a selfish brat are 2 different things, though. People need to consider what they are going to have to give up for a child ... and that's a lot! My mother didn't realize what she was getting herself into, and she cut corners so that she wouldn't have to sacrifice for my sister and myself.

That ... will take time to forgive.