Share a house with 3 others, is it ok to share shower with GF?

[Writher]

Ok, I found this board by googling roomate question. I came upon the other thread asking about how long a SO can stay over. I am wondering what everyone's feelings are on my situation:

I am in college right now, graduating in the spring. My SO lives 6 hours away, she comes up and visits every other weekend (typically means 6 days a month Friday-Saturday-Sunday). I have OK'ed this with my roommates, and nobody has a problem.

The problem comes into play when we take showers together. We do not do anything "dirty" in the shower, its all clean stuff (literally) and we have told our roommates this. 2 of my roommates have no problem with this, while 1 does. He says "You guys can do whatever you want in your room, but I don't appreciate you using the shower that I pay for to be naked together in." The way I see it we are only saving heat/water by showering together. He says he has no problem with both of us using the shower separately (our landlord pays for our water bill), but it makes him uncomfortable to know that we both shower in there at the same time even though I insist that nothing dirty or questionable is going on. We are all on the lease equally.

My question is, do you guys think he has the authority to tell us that we cannot shower together? And even if he doesn't have the authority to dictate, do you think I should do as he asks anyway?

To include some context (you might consider this bias), she is the cleanest girl ever. Whenever she comes when I am not looking she will clean in the bathroom, kitchen, or bathroom. Whenever she leaves a lot of the house looks totally clean. I ask her not to, but she does anyway.

Honest opinions welcome.

[Skylark]

If he doesn't mind you doing whatever you want in your bedroom, I can't imagine why he'd have a problem with you showering together. If you left it a big mess, I could see that. Maybe you could work out an agreement that you won't shower together when he's in the house, if that's the bit that bothers him.

[Writher]

Thanks for the response.

I do not think it us having the shower while he is home is cause for the problem, he says its because he "knows its happening." I believe the real reason is that he doesn't like the girl at all for other reasons, and he is looking for a reason to complain about something she does.

He says he has a problem with because he "uses the shower too" and that since we are both in there without our clothes on together, he sees it as dirty (despite my assurances); whereas my room is my room, we do not share that.

[Skylark]

Does the house have only one shower?

If you quit showering together, would he back off, or would he find another issue to pick about?

[Iria]

Sounds like you might be in for some roommate troubles down the road, if he actually doesn't like her.

[Writher]

Yes the house only has one shower, and the issue is not competition to use one shower since we all have different schedules. We tend to use it after everyone else does, and we keep it very clean.

I guess my question is an ethical one, does he have an authority or basis to tell me what to do?

The way he approached me about it he said "This is how I feel: You guys can do whatever you want in your room, but we share the shower and I don't feel comfortable that you guys are sharing a shower together, so I expect you to respect my opinion."

It seems as if he believes that I am required to avoid this action because he does not like it.

Does he have the authority to tell us that we cannot shower together assuming we keep it totally clean (cleaner than before she gets there in most cases) and we all already agreed that it wouldn't be a problem if we each had a lady friend over on occassion?

I believe that if the shower issue was not an issue, he would still look for things to complain about her, but I don't think he would find much since she seems to be the perfect citizen (other than not actually being a US citizen...she's on a green card....anyway not related) in every way.

[Skylark]

No, I don't think he has the authority to tell you what to do in the house. If you all pay equal rent and all your names are on the lease, he does not have the same say the landlord does. His reasoning is silly. If he can get over you two doing God-knows-what in your bedroom, he can certainly get over you doing nothing but washing in the shower. Tell him to time your shower sometime, and then ask him if he thinks you could have done much of anything in that time. Time his shower, and ask him if there was anything questionable going on. OK, silly idea, but he's being silly.

[Writher]

Sounds like you might be in for some roommate troubles down the road, if he actually doesn't like her.

I know for a fact that he doesn't like her, but he has told me he doesn't mind if I have her over because its not his business (other than the shower thing).

The reason he doesn't like her is because she used to date one of his best buddies about a year ago and there are some lingering issues regarding that (which from my -admittedly not objective- point of view seem like completely his fault), but of course he will take his lifelong buddies side.

Anyway I am not too worried about longterm "roommate troubles" since I am graduating in 4 months so its not like I have years to go on the lease or anything.

To add complication to the matter, the roommate in question is actually my step brother.

Anyway, original question still remains:

Does he have the authority to tell me what to do in this case?

And, if not:

Would it be adviseable to just "bite the bullet" and do it to ward off any conflict it might cause? The reason we insist on showering together are threefold:

1) Emotional bonding
2) The door does not close and she does not feel comfortable using the shower alone
3) She does not want to be alone in there because she and her family believe that my roommate is somewhat "crazy" particularly stemming from his willingness to impose his religous and moral positions on others.

[SuperChicken]

No, he does not have the "right" to tell you guys not to shower together.

If you want to salvage the relationship, I would advise you to suck it up & quit showering together if it creeps him out (even if his reasoning is stupid.) Just to be nasty, I would also demand that he not do anything 'impure' in there either.

But, now that you've mentioned the door issue & the craziness issue - pretty sure I'd tell him to bite me.

[Writher]

Skylark and SuperChicken thanks for your responses.

Other opinions welcome and encouraged, even if you believe that I am wrong please speak up.

Edit: Also if anyone knows about any message boards that are intended for these types of questions specifically, please send me a link in a PM so I can ask there as well.

[nigel]

I'm certainly no prude and have done my fair share of sleeping and showering with girlfriends and vice-versa.

I can understand how the showering might be an annoyance, though, depending on the big picture. I never had a problem with my roommates' lovers staying the night over, but when they start using my bathroom, my kitchen, my washer and dryer, my hot water, etc., they've becoming a freeloading uninvited roommate. In hindsight, I can see how I had been quite inconsiderate in this respect in my distant past.

This may be the root of the problem with your roommate - not that you are showering together, but that your sigoth is not just sleeping over, but camping out.

[Skylark]

Six days a month is not "camping out", nigel, at least not to me.

Writher, you put this thread in the right forum on VB. Generally, though, we ask that members be vegetarians or considering reducing their meat intake to post here. I don't have a problem with you asking for advice about this. If you plan to continue posting on VB, it would be best if you were either a vegetarian or thinking about becoming one. Hey, even if you just want some good vegetarian recipes, that's fine. But please don't talk about eating meat here. Vegetarians come here for solace from people who don't understand us, and we don't want that compromised.

[Writher]

So Nigel you believe that it is ok for a roommate to have a person stay over for a night or two, but not allow this person to use the common facilities like the bathroom or kitchen (accompanied by the roommate)?

Edit:

To Skylark: Noted. I have actually gone through and read several of the threads here about vegetarians since I have posted here and it has made me more interested. Not saying I will be converted overnight, but I consider myself open to new ideas and will research here and other places to make an informed decision about my diet.

[hoodedclawjen]

i think everyone who lives with you is entitled to tell you how they feel/what they'd prefer to happen about an issue if its to do with your living arrangements/use of joint resources.

i don't think any of them have the right to tell you what to do however, or that they are within their rights to demand it of you.

i do think, however, that you have a responsibility to treat their concerns, feelings, requests, and beliefs with a degree of respect and courtesy, as do they you/yours - no matter how stupid or out there they might seem.

and that might mean not doing something in the house, if you know they're aposed to it happening, and that your doing it makes them feel uncomfortable. and it means being prepared to deal with some backlash if you decide to do it anyway.

i'm sure you'd hope for the same treatment if things were reversed and you said that you felt uncomfortable about something they were doing/wanted to do.

[nigel]

Six days a month is not "camping out", nigel, at least not to me.



Unfortunately, that's a matter of perspective on which you don't hold high command. I was simply offering my own experience.

Did you start this thread? Or are you just deciding what advice and commentary are appropriate responses?

[Skylark]

Writher, if I may answer the question you addressed to Nigel, many people have had problems with roommates' friends/significant others cooking, showering, etc. while not paying an equivalent portion of the utilities. If someone used the same amount of gas and electric I did and slept there (for two weeks at a stretch or once a week repeatedly), I'd want them to pay up. And I'd wonder what was wrong with their own living facilities. However, in your situation, if you do what you told us you did, you and your girlfriend have done nothing wrong. Every other weekend is not a big deal.

Given you're only going to be there four more months, it might make sense to just try to keep the peace and stop showering together. Maybe, since she's concerned about the door, you could sit in the shower while she washes. I don't know if that would placate your roommate or not.

[Skylark]

Unfortunately, that's a matter of perspective on which you don't hold high command. I was simply offering my own experience.

Did you start this thread? Or are you just deciding what advice and commentary are appropriate responses?

I didn't tell you it wasn't an apropriate response. I just disagreed with the idea.

[nigel]

So Nigel you believe that it is ok for a roommate to have a person stay over for a night or two, but not allow this person to use the common facilities like the bathroom or kitchen (accompanied by the roommate)?

No - I'm not saying that at all, I'm just saying that from the roommate's point of view, it may seem unfair. I have had to wait to use MY kitchen and MY bathroom because my roommate was using it. That's fine. But the extra time involved due to use by someone else has been annoying for me, and seemed presumptuous. Understand that I'm also pointing the finger at myself for having done this.

Regardless, I'm not passing any judgement here, just offering a possible perspective that your roommate might be taking.

[Thalia]

i think everyone who lives with you is entitled to tell you how they feel/what they'd prefer to happen about an issue if its to do with your living arrangements/use of joint resources.

i don't think any of them have the right to tell you what to do however, or that they are within their rights to demand it of you.

i do think, however, that you have a responsibility to treat their concerns, feelings, requests, and beliefs with a degree of respect and courtesy, as do they you/yours - no matter how stupid or out there they might seem.

and that might mean not doing something in the house, if you know they're aposed to it happening, and that your doing it makes them feel uncomfortable. and it means being prepared to deal with some backlash if you decide to do it anyway.

i'm sure you'd hope for the same treatment if things were reversed and you said that you felt uncomfortable about something they were doing/wanted to do.

That's pretty much how I see it.

Of course you could always present the house mate with two choices- you get to shower with your girlfriend and do nothing dirty with each other, or you get to shower by alone and do God-Knows-what with yourself.

[astro]

He says he has no problem with both of us using the shower separately

Then use it separately. :)

Your housemate doesn't have the authority to "tell" you what to do, but he's paying rent (unlike your GF) so he certainly has a right to have his opinion/wishes respected even if it does seem a little bit nit-picky maybe or unjustified.

He's also done the right the right thing and approached you in a reasonable manner about his problem with the co-showering so it'd be respectful if you did the right thing by him in return.

If your GF doesn't like showering alone because of the door not closing, you could get the landlord to fix it, or you could sit outside the door while she's in there, or she could shower elsewhere.

[HandcuffedAngel]

If you are all paying equally on the house then he can't tell you whether or not you can shower with your girlfriend because if he had a girlfriend dropping in he might want to shower with her and in that case he most likely would say, "I pay as much as you do so I can do whatever I want in it." His, "You can't do that in the shower I pay for." is a bit ridiculous considering all 4 of you pay for it.

Besides, it's a shower. It's more or less a self-cleaning mechanism. It sounds like he's just being a whiner to make your life rough because he doesn't care for your "too clean" girlfriend.

Shower away!

[rapt]

Whatever reasons your step brother has invented for his dislike of you two showering together are kind of irelevent. He's paying rent and so if he has a problem with something his opinion should be respected and you need to compromise.

The only real way around this that i can see is for your gf to start paying rent and then she can say "suck it up step-bro we're showering together!" :)

[Writher]

I appreciate the responses given here.

It seems to be almost split evenly on whether I need to consider changing what I do based on what he says.

To those who think that I need to make a compromise or stop my actions because of his opinion, I pose to you this hypothetical scenario:

What if he told me this :

"I do not feel comfortable using the bathroom when I know that you are in the bathroom before hand brushing your teeth with your right hand. To me, doing this offends my religion, and it is a dirty place. The only way to brush your teeth in a clean way is using the left hand. I know that you keep your right hand clean and I would not mind if you brushed your teeth with your right hand in your room, but it still makes the situation uncomfortable for me knowing that someone has used the bathroom and brushed his teeth with his right hand. I expect you to respect my opinion about this, and change the way you brush your teeth."

I think most would agree that in this case, I would be perfectly well off to continue what I am doing as it does not affect him, and I am not infringing on him. Why is there a distinction between this situation and the actual one at hand? He is paying rent so I should have to compromise with him, right? he has rights to the bathroom as I do, right?

But in seems in both cases his "rights to the bathroom" would actually be infringing upon mine. I could see a distinction being drawn if the bathroom was actually being made more dirty or if it was being used for an extra long period of time when others needed to because she was there, but this is not the case. Where am I going wrong with my parody scenario?

[astro]

To those who think that I need to make a compromise or stop my actions because of his opinion, I pose to you this hypothetical scenario:

What if he told me this :

"I do not feel comfortable using the bathroom when I know that you are in the bathroom before hand brushing your teeth with your right hand. To me, doing this offends my religion, and it is a dirty place. The only way to brush your teeth in a clean way is using the left hand. I know that you keep your right hand clean and I would not mind if you brushed your teeth with your right hand in your room, but it still makes the situation uncomfortable for me knowing that someone has used the bathroom and brushed his teeth with his right hand. I expect you to respect my opinion about this, and change the way you brush your teeth."

You'd have every right to say, tough luck dude, I pay rent here so I have a right to brush my teeth how I like. If you couldn't agree to compromise on that then one of you would have to leave.

[astro]

Also, the main difference here is that the showering situation is about your GF and not about you, like it is in the example you presented. As long as it's about your GF who doesn't pay rent, he's always going to have that over you.