Doesn't anyone have meaning-less sex after age 23?

[veggiewriter]

Honestly: isn't it fabulous to date someone solely because you're physically attracted to them? Isn't it okay to sleep w/someone whom you KNOW you don't want to marry? Or maybe it's just that you just don't know them well enough to know whether you want to or not, but you want to have fun?

If your answer is "Yes: meaning-less sex rocks!" then why is it such a challenge to find similar-minded people now that I'm older than 24?

And if your answer is 'No,' are all who disagree w/you (like me) sluts?

And if I am a slut, how is it possible that I've become such a person, since I'm normal and pretty and was a 4.0 in college and WANT to get married someday?

[Katt Fink]

And if your answer is 'No,' are all who disagree w/you (like me) sluts?


Nope. Only a closed-minded, judgemental a**hole would say that. I respect everyone's decisions regarding what they want to do with their own bodies - as long as they are respectful of themselves and their partner.

It's just too risky for me (if I were single).

[synergy]

^^^^ What she said.

I've also found that sex gets better when you are with someone that you know and trust.
I think there's nothing wrong with dating someone you are not planning on marrying as long as you are up front about it. Especially if the sex is amazing!

[veggiewriter]

^^^^ What she said.

I've also found that sex gets better when you are with someone that you know and trust.
I think there's nothing wrong with dating someone you are not planning on marrying as long as you are up front about it. Especially if the sex is amazing!

I agree, that sex can be amazing with someone you care about. But why do I feel like such a freak by admitting that I also have enjoyed and continue to enjoy sleeping with lots of random people? It's like there's an anti-relationship gene in me, or at least a sterotypical 'guy' gene... I mean, I am the VERY last female of my former 'group' that isn't obsessed with getting married (at least of those who aren't absolutely against the idea of ever getting married). I'm the "What about Brian?" of all my friends...

[Blue Plastic Straw]

Acquiring an STD really chilled my passion for casual sex (condoms don't protect against everything and you can't tell by looking at someone if they have herpes of HPV). I don't look down on anyone who chooses to have lots of casual sex, I sort of have the same attitude as I do towards people who use illicit substances on a regular basis. For me, the thrill isn't worth the health risks, but to each his/her own. That said, you're by no means alone in your desires. "Hooking up" is a pretty common phenomenon these days. You must be looking in the wrong places if you're having a hard time finding men who are willing to engage in a casual fling. I met plenty of them when I had a profile up on OK Cupid.

[Savannah]

alright, i am not yet 24, but.....the idea that a woman is a 'slut' or can be designated as a 'slut' for having casual sex is pretty weird to me. having sex for the sake of having sex can be really good sometimes. (sorry Pope Benny, you're so 14th century!) so can having sex with someone that you care about. the judgment that someone is a 'slut' is anachronistic silliness :)

[Elena99]

I don't think anyone is a slut. There's nothing wrong with having meaning-less sex as an adult, though I don't do it myself.


then why is it such a challenge to find similar-minded people now that I'm older than 24?

Maybe because more of them are in a monogamous relationship, or thinking about it?

[veggielove]

If this thread was inspired by my response to you, I'm sorry you interpreted my response that way. I do not think you're a slut. I compared your experiences to that of my own sister. I would not say something like that about her, or you.

To be honest, from your post previously, I sorta thought that you were looking for a long term relationship. I might have been wrong about that. But you've also posted in threads about weddings, and whatnot, so I might have just confused myself. But like I said before, sleeping with a guy when you first meet them, as far as I have ever seen in my limited life experience, is a guarenteed way to ensure he will not consider you for a future life partner. If you are cool with that, then that's fine. Casual sex, even with condoms, isn't 100% effective in ensuring you dont pick up STDs that can injure you, your future chances of having kids/husband, etc. YOu have indicated you want these things, so I suggested a different approach with guys. A friend of mine caught HPV doing what you are doing, and got cervical cancer. Yet another reason in today's age, why casual sex is in some ways more dangerous than drug use. both have risks, both provide a high. But I assure you the high of finding someone you love, getting married, and living every day, sleeping with a guy who loves you, respects you, and knows every little inch of you like a map (and can please you so completely!) is so much better!!! I didn't mean to offend you, I thought I was helping. I apologize if I overstepped what you were asking for.

[veggielove]

I also know a very sweet young woman who is only 23, but who is going through early menopause because of PID, the poor thing is in constant pain. She was promiscuous for only a short time, and then got married, but it was too late for her.

http://www.niaid.nih.gov/factsheets/stdpid.htm

[Pixelle]

If your answer is "Yes: meaning-less sex rocks!" then why is it such a challenge to find similar-minded people now that I'm older than 24?

I wouldn't say it was a challenge at all. The internet is chock full of guys wanting to have that kind of sex.

[zoebird]

i know lots of people who are over 24 and interested in having casual sexual relationships. thing is, they tend not to be 'exclusive casual sexual relationships.'

i don't know if that's whta you mean by 'dating someone and having sex with them even though you don't want to marry him' includes that the two of you would be monogamous. Typically, men and women my age (30) will 'date' and 'have sex with' multiple people if the whole thing is casual. It's more of a 'sex-buddy' relationship than a 'relationship that includes sex, but the whole thing is casual."

if you get my meaning.

anway, confusing. And, i don't care what other people do. and i certainly wouldn't call people names for doing it.

[bekajoi]

The thing to worry about is on the STD and pregnancy side of things. You have to be safe 100% of the time, and who really truly IS? (I'm talking even with oral...)

IMO it is rather risky behaviour... but I wouldn't go so far as to call people names. In the end it is your decision to make, and I hope you make the right ones for yourself. :)

*ETA* I got married at 20 so I'm a little odd here I guess ;) ~ and due to my past, my husband is the only one I have BEEN with. So I do have a unique spin on things I guess.

[Poppy]

But like I said before, sleeping with a guy when you first meet them, as far as I have ever seen in my limited life experience, is a guarenteed way to ensure he will not consider you for a future life partner. If you are cool with that, then that's fine.


DH and I started dating in 1980, and were in the sack together the night of our second date. We were very, VERY casual for about a year and a half, and then got more serious and married in 1983. Been married ever since, and have had the great fortune to have been extremely happy with each other for all these years! My point is, there's really no perfect formula for dating, marriage or even life, for that matter.

[veggielove]

Poppy, that's a wonderful story, i'm so happy for you. :-) I made sure to explain in my post that in my own LIMITED experience, that's what I've observed, i knew some people with experience otherwise would come around eventually ;-) Its certainly a different world out there now than it was in 1980, and I'm sure there are more examples of people having grown relationships from just "sex for the sex", I've just not seen it recently myself. I've seen quite the opposite, and had a lot of female friends/co-workers cry on my shoulder, going through the same cycle. Obviously there are exceptions out there but I stand by my advice ;-)

[eggplant]

I don't think you're a slut (I hate that word). People seem to have no problem with men who just enjoy sex without emotional attachment, but see women as sluts for feeling the same way. While I'm not like you (I don't find sex to be fun unless I'm with someone I care deeply about), that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. Just make sure that you're honest with your sexual partners and that you're using condoms!

[veggiewriter]

I didn't mean to offend you, I thought I was helping. I apologize if I overstepped what you were asking for.

Oh, you didn't offend me at all, no fear. You ARE helping; all this discussion is good for me and helps me to think about what I want. :)

Thing is, I guess I confuse mySELF about what I want. Maybe that's the whole problem! About 5 years ago I was approached by guys all the time, many who just wanted a fling, others who were interested in more, but I was happy to just, well, fling and they all dealt with it. I was in my early 20's, and they were usually 25-32. And it was SO MUCH FUN! I loved going out 4x a week, each night w/someone different. And I saw some guys weekly, but often it was new (and thus exciting, I suppose) men. I did get talked into a few relationships, and they were great and I figured that getting married would be cool, but no one ever asked and eventually I got out of each relationship.

Anyway, I moved to the midwest, had another relationship, got out of it (he was a jerk), gained a few lbs (not an insane amount, but I'm no longer approached on the street by modeling scouts) and now... nothing. Just nothing. A few flings here and there, but it's a college town, and I'm too old to be confused with a 22-year-old co-ed, so my fling choices are hampered. The 25-32 year olds only want to fling with the hot young babes. Plus, I don't have my wing-people any more! They're married or have babies. And going out by oneself is not cool.

Anyway, the last few guys I've hung out with were looking for relationships, and apparently my lack of the need to BE in a relationship after the 2nd date turned 'em off and I was told I'm not relationship material. No one has actually said the 'S' word, but I felt like that's what they meant.

I DO want to get married and start having kids. In the next 5 years (before I turn 35). But first I want to have fun (like I had when I was 23) before that happens. And not with guys from the internet. I just can't go there yet.

I'm sure it'll work out. I just need to get into better shape and get a good facial or something. And new wing-people. Sigh.

[Skylark]

Why is this in Women's Health Issues? Men might like to chime in on this topic.

OP, would you like this thread moved to General Health Discussion or Relationships & Family? It sounded like you were asking a relationship-related question, and some here are answering it in a health-based way.

[veggielove]

Phew, I'm so glad I hadn't inadvertantly upset you. I was scared!!! :-) Sometimes its so hard to read someone in cyberspace :-) ((HUGS))

I think you are being WAY too hard on yourself!!!! First off, who cares if you're not 22 - to be honest, a 29 yo woman knows things a 22yo could only dream of ;-) How horrible for guys to toss you aside and say you are "not relationship material", but that probably boils down to two simple facts:

1. it was only two guys. two jerks, as you already told us. So don't let them represent the entire male population.
and
2. you're still figuring out what you want to begin with! when you WANT a relationship, you'll quickly find the only things you need in a relationship are mutual respect, mutual love, and a mutual desire/will to work things out. (takes two to tango sorta thing ;-) )

I think its great you had a lot of fun in your low 20's, but dont think that less obvious interest is because you are somehow less attractive!!! First, you have moved to a new area, so the singles scene could be totally different. It can vary from neighborhood to neighborhood, let alone state to state! So just becuase you aren't getting approached on the street, as you said, is not a reflection on you!

Who knows, maybe the guys in your new area are more into relationships, and expect you (as a woman in her upper 20's) not to be interested in flings, so they don't ask as much as you're used to.

Being in a relationship, a meaningful, joyful one, can be really fun too! Its a totally different type of fun, but you might find you like it even more :-) If you want to get married and have kids within the next 5 years, you might want to start looking for a person to marry and have kids with ;-) A lot of times, it takes a few years before a guy proposes (my sister has been with her BF 2.5 years, no proposal yet, I had been with mine for 5 before he proposed!) because every relationship grows at a different rate - as the people in the relationship grow individually, and grow together. I am NOT trying to scare you..... trust me, the "I WANT TO GET MARRIED AND HAVE BABIES RIGHT NOW" crowd have a MUCH harder time finding a date than you've described for yourself - no one wants a desperate date. Your free spirit will work to your advantage!!

All I can say is, do what is right for you, be yourself, and things will work out :-) But PLEASE be very careful, and protect yourself, because there is nothing worse that finding out you can't have that baby afterall, because of too much "fun" before marriage. The girl I mentioned with PID before is my little sister's best friend - I've known her since she was 9. It breaks my heart that she's suffering so, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. So protect yourself!!!!! (((HUG))) and treat yourself to a facial for a nice personal treat and confidence booster! :-)

[veggiewriter]

Why is this in Women's Health Issues? Men might like to chime in on this topic.

OP, would you like this thread moved to General Health Discussion or Relationships & Family? It sounded like you were asking a relationship-related question, and some here are answering it in a health-based way.

Honestly, I'm scared to hear from the men! All my research (which means I've randomly asking a couple of guys and have read a few articles in Cosmo) about this subject indicates that the guys might like to play, but they don't like to know that women do too. Only 1 time ever did I have a guy ask me my 'number' and then laugh in relief to learn that he wasn't my 2nd or 3rd---he said he'd dated the monogomous type before and they were too clingly. (you know, strangely, he was someone I DID really like, and we hung out pretty regularly for nearly a year. But then I moved...). Anyway, research seems to show that any women with a number over 5 should never ever directly discuss it w/a man. They find it distressing.

Here's a health question, though: Yes, there are risks with sex, even 'safer' sex, but are the communicable diseases that one risks with sex ACTUALLY worse than other diseases? Here's my thought: could it be argued that STDs have such a bad rap not because they're SO much worse than other diseases, but BECAUSE they are sex-related. (Sex = dirty/shameful, thus diseases communicated via sex = especially nasty/horrific). I mean, you can catch all SORTS of nasty things off of door handles and by taking a sip of someone's soda or rubbing your eye after lifting weights at the gym, but if you catch strep or mono (or even a cold sore--which is a type of herpes) 'cause you shared a drink or even smooched someone, why isn't that as 'bad' as catching scabes or genital herpes? Why is one "oh shoot, I have strep" and the other is "OMG, don't tell anyone, but that guy gave me scabes!"

I'm NOT suggesting that STDs are in any way fabulous or not a big deal or harmless or anything like that, but I sometimes wonder if the big scare is more a cultural comment on sex rather than a true reflection of the actual dangers of sex vs. life in general. I mean, the fact that I'm healthy is great. But if I were to be infected by something during sex, I think there'd be more "You should have been smarter. You deserve this." than there'd be if I caught something while being stupid in a non-sexual way.

[veggiewriter]

If you want to get married and have kids within the next 5 years, you might want to start looking for a person to marry and have kids with ;-) A lot of times, it takes a few years before a guy proposes (my sister has been with her BF 2.5 years, no proposal yet, I had been with mine for 5 before he proposed!)


Very true... My 5 year plan has a lot to do w/the fact that my mother and maternal grandmother both went through menopause at age 40. So I may have only have 10 years to play with here if I want to birth babies... I want to adopt, but I always figured I'd have at least one or two pregnancies too. Maybe that's why my age is always in the back of my mind, nagging at me...

[eggplant]

Here's a health question, though: Yes, there are risks with sex, even 'safer' sex, but are the communicable diseases that one risks with sex ACTUALLY worse than other diseases? Here's my thought: could it be argued that STDs have such a bad rap not because they're SO much worse than other diseases, but BECAUSE they are sex-related. (Sex = dirty/shameful, thus diseases communicated via sex = especially nasty/horrific). I mean, you can catch all SORTS of nasty things off of door handles and by taking a sip of someone's soda or rubbing your eye after lifting weights at the gym, but if you catch strep or mono (or even a cold sore--which is a type of herpes) 'cause you shared a drink or even smooched someone, why isn't that as 'bad' as catching scabes or genital herpes? Why is one "oh shoot, I have strep" and the other is "OMG, don't tell anyone, but that guy gave me scabes!"

I'm NOT suggesting that STDs are in any way fabulous or not a big deal or harmless or anything like that, but I sometimes wonder if the big scare is more a cultural comment on sex rather than a true reflection of the actual dangers of sex vs. life in general. I mean, the fact that I'm healthy is great. But if I were to be infected by something during sex, I think there'd be more "You should have been smarter. You deserve this." than there'd be if I caught something while being stupid in a non-sexual way.

Perhaps to some extent, but some STDs can lead to cancer or infertility or death, so I personally would be pretty worried about them. I certainly would be more worried about getting AIDS, herpes or clamydia (sp?) than I would be about getting strep since the risks are greater.

I also think people are just as likely to judge someone who gets lung cancer after smoking for years as they are to judge someone who gets an STD after having unprotected sex, no? People tend not to be as sympathetic towards people who get sick from something they had control over than they are towards people who have no control over their diseases. I myself am sympathetic towards anyone with any illness since I know the reasons people engage in self-destructive or high-risk behaviors can often be much more complex than them just being "stupid."

[veggielove]

Here's a health question, though: Yes, there are risks with sex, even 'safer' sex, but are the communicable diseases that one risks with sex ACTUALLY worse than other diseases? Here's my thought: could it be argued that STDs have such a bad rap not because they're SO much worse than other diseases, but BECAUSE they are sex-related. (Sex = dirty/shameful, thus diseases communicated via sex = especially nasty/horrific). I mean, you can catch all SORTS of nasty things off of door handles and by taking a sip of someone's soda or rubbing your eye after lifting weights at the gym, but if you catch strep or mono (or even a cold sore--which is a type of herpes) 'cause you shared a drink or even smooched someone, why isn't that as 'bad' as catching scabes or genital herpes? Why is one "oh shoot, I have strep" and the other is "OMG, don't tell anyone, but that guy gave me scabes!"

I'm NOT suggesting that STDs are in any way fabulous or not a big deal or harmless or anything like that, but I sometimes wonder if the big scare is more a cultural comment on sex rather than a true reflection of the actual dangers of sex vs. life in general. I mean, the fact that I'm healthy is great. But if I were to be infected by something during sex, I think there'd be more "You should have been smarter. You deserve this." than there'd be if I caught something while being stupid in a non-sexual way.

Strep and mono go away. STDs are painful, can give you cancer or make you incapable of having children, or can hurt your baby, and are often incurable (ex why herpes is unpopular - painful frequent outbreaks??? no fun. plus, greater risk for baby if you get pregnant.)

Sure there is a social stigma, but mostly because they ARE worse than catching a cold or mono.

[gas4]

why is it such a challenge to find similar-minded people now that I'm older than 24?


Um. I always thought that if you went out drinking and clubbing, even if you don't do much drinking, you're bound to get hit on my numerous random dudes on the dance floor. At least that's what I find, and I'm trying not to get hit on since I'm engaged. And I'm not trying to say that I'm particularly attractive either, seems like it happens to every woman there. Maybe you're looking in the wrong place, or maybe NZ is full of horney young people willing to have sex with anyone.

[astro]

I think you are being WAY too hard on yourself!!!! First off, who cares if you're not 22 - to be honest, a 29 yo woman knows things a 22yo could only dream of ;-) How horrible for guys to toss you aside and say you are "not relationship material", but that probably boils down to two simple facts:

1. it was only two guys. two jerks, as you already told us. So don't let them represent the entire male population.


If a woman tells a guy that she's not looking for a relationship but just fun casual sex, he says that's not what I'm looking for, that's neither tossing her aside or being a jerk, it's being upfront and honest with her.

[Hang~Ten~Honey]

[QUOTE=veggiewriter] then why is it such a challenge to find similar-minded people now that I'm older than 24?
QUOTE]

Maybe you are not looking in the right places and talking to the right people. Have you checked out the swinger scene? There are clubs, online chats, message boards, etc dedicated to 'casual sex w/out strings'. My bf and I have a somewhat open relationship in that we bring girls into our relationship for casual sex and/or relationships. And we have friends who do the same so there are definitely people out there.

As for being a slut for enjoying sex, that's total crap in my book. You are human. Humans are sexual beings. Men AND women deserve to be sexually content in their lives. And there are men out there who don't care how many partners you have had and won't think any less of you for it. Men who judge women based on sexual experience are lacking in the confidence department, imo, and aren't worth the time of day.

I had sex with my bf on the 2nd date (I was 17, he was 23) and in January we will be together 8 years. So you never know. :D