i need to distance myself from the ED

[MDee]

WARNING: THIS THREAD MAY BE TRIGGERING TO THOSE WITH FOOD ISSUES. I AM TRYING TO GET WELL.

hi everyone.

my whole life, i have worried about my weight. ever since i was probably about 12. i consider myself a "health freak". ive always wished to be thin, however i have stayed healthy and at a normal weight. well, this spring, it got really bad. it was the first season that i didn't have a sport to play ( i didn't run track as usual because my ankle was hurt during the time of tryouts) so i began working out at the Y every day. i restricted alot, and the more i restricted the more i thought about food. then the binging started. binging became something that i did almost every other day. the starving and the binging kept me at a normal weight.

currently, i weight 110 pounds at 5'3. i feel i am making progress. at least- i want so badly to make progress. i want to be thin but now health is more important. i made alot of progress today where i broke what was supposed to be a three day fast. i just ate a bowl of special k, peanut butter toast, and a peach. whenever i gain weight i know it is from the binging. i want to leave the binging behind so i can plan my meals healthily, not waste calories on junk, etc. can anyone give me advice on how to stay away from an eating disorder by stopping binging? that is truly the heart of the problem. im just so confused. sorry for the long post but i really need help.

summary: i still want to lose a little bit of weight(i know according to my stats alot of you will be against that. but trust me, i can stand to lost a few pounds, especially if i start to do it healthily) but i need to ditch the panic-starve-panic-binge-panic cycle. it is utterly riddiculous.

[Keelin]

Please don't lose weight. Please. I've gone through the exact same situation- minus the bingeing, so I ended up absolutely wasting away. I'm the same height, only slightly lower weight, and could use to gain a few pounds. I still haven't gotten back my period, my hair is continuing to fall out, and I really scared a lot of people that care about me.

Instead of counting calories, getting hooked on what you're eating, etc, check out the food guide, and make it of the utmost importance to eat within the recommended ranges each day. That's a far healthier thing to stress over a bit than whether that handful of cereal is going to push you over your 'safe' calories for the day.

Take care of yourself. Your self-image may be a bit skewed right now- if food is actually causing you to "panic", starve yourself, and binge, something's not right. Think about talking to someone about how you could eat a healthier, stress-free diet. Work out only as much as you honestly enjoy, not how much you need to to lose pounds.

We're here for you any time.

[MDee]

update:
i just ripped up the plan i had made for the week!! i'm going to try to eat based on my hunger. i'll spend my energy on transitioning to veganism and eating all healthy foods. i still consider myself fat...but i think my common sense and concern for my health is finally winning over. but ripping up the list is a HUGE step for me. i plan so obsessively.

also, im ashamed to write this. but i was a member on some pro ana website. i'm so ashamed now and i just got rid of it. never again. veggieboards and health are for me now.

keep the advice and support coming please...i need as much as i can get.
no eating disorder is getting its grip on me!

[taurushead]

hooray for plan rippage! :) :) :)
life's to short for things like that!!! im here to listen and post comments whenever i can. i don't know about advice, coz i have days very similar to that. but ill do my best!!
xoxo

[taurushead]

110 at 5'3? whats that in kilos and metres? coz it sounds pretty darn small to me..

[Lumos]

update:
i just ripped up the plan i had made for the week!! i'm going to try to eat based on my hunger. i'll spend my energy on transitioning to veganism and eating all healthy foods. i still consider myself fat...but i think my common sense and concern for my health is finally winning over. but ripping up the list is a HUGE step for me. i plan so obsessively.

also, im ashamed to write this. but i was a member on some pro ana website. i'm so ashamed now and i just got rid of it. never again. veggieboards and health are for me now.

keep the advice and support coming please...i need as much as i can get.
no eating disorder is getting its grip on me!


:vebo: :bobo: :smitten: Yay! I replied to the PM already, but I just have to say that's great. I have to admit that I was on pro-ana sites as well. It's so creepy now looking back at it. Congratulations on this first step! It's going to help you love your body in the long run. I know its hard now, but its sooo worth the fight.

[MDee]

i have to say to everyone, thank you so much for all your positive support. you have no idea how happy it makes me and how much it helps.

taurushead-i dunno how much that is in kilos. maybe someone else does? and yea, its not big by any means but its normal. im young, going to be a sophmore this year, and all of my friends are small too. yesterday i went to a theme park with 4 friends and it was terrible while they chowed down on fries sodas and junk as i sat there with my veggie burger, realizing that two of them are smaller than me and don't need to obsess like i do. i have an insatiable need to be perfect, so i guess that carries over into my want to be thinner than everyone else.

positive thing of the day: last night i ate a brownie at my friends party without feeling terribly guilty. and after church this morning i am going grocery shopping to get lots of heath food!

[ketivnilloc]

i think 110 pounds is 50 kilos...

[taurushead]

ohhh ok. thanks !! thats small! im 48ish but i think im shorter than you? 165cm? so we're probably about the same distribution. pretty healthy and normal, as far as i know? i have no idea. lol. i hate maths . i hate measurement systems that i can't work out.
how are you doing with it all today??
i had a lovely moment yesterday, one of those revelation ones where you're sitting there with friends and just know there's so much more to life than calories and nutrition. and its like this lightening bolt of how things used to be and how it was better like that. i dont find it lasts :( but i try to constantly remind myself and that actually helps. it happens more often now :)

[taurushead]

wow i just figured out my own weight and stuff in lbs. im so proud!! i wont post it though just coz i forgot we weren't meant to do numbers.

[MDee]

ill check in for you taurushead. yesterday my eating was good..i posted it in the eat to live section if you wanna see. last night i went to an OAR concert which was AMAZING. it was the best time ive had in awhile and i realized during it that it was the first time in a long time i felt truly, truly happy. downside: this morning i had field hockey conditioning practice at 9 and puked. thats what i get for drinking. so now my stomachs unsettled... i just had a piece of toast with jelly and i'll try to eat later.

[taurushead]

ahahaha MDee..hangovers suck...
go you for even GOING to training after drinking.
Glad you had a good day though. live music blows my miiiiind :)
eeheehee
xoxo

[MDee]

UPDATE
yesterday:
after conditioning:
1:00-veggie grinder from quiznos. wheat bread, lettuce, onion, guacamole, olives, and mushrooms. soo good.
---gross part of the day. at the beach i had a bunch of pringles and some sour patch kids---
dinner-"chicken" patty wrapped up in a whole wheat flour tortilla
dessert-1/2 cup caramel tea, banana with a spoonful of dark chocolate dreams peanut butter
snack-handful of carrots with light blue cheese dressing, some organic popcorn
snack-tiny "sausage" patty on a piece of toast.
lastly i had: a small bowl of pasta

that was aloooooot of food. :(



Today
b-toast with jelly, glass of orange juce
l-bowl of amy's lentil&vegtable soup, one mini whole wheat pita
s-caramel nut brownie luna bar, 1/2 cup of light silk
s-plum, a handful of soy crisps, a few slices of soy "cheese"
d-another bowl of amy's lentil&veggie soup, whole wheat tortilla

i havent been exercising which i think is the main reason i've put on a few pounds. or my metabolism slowed from when i used to starve myself. but yea i havent exercisized because my abs are SO sore from a workout. more sore than any muscle of mine has ever been. and i have conditioning at 9 tommorow so i want to rest up and feel better by then. tommorow i kinda want to cut down on food intake :( i hate gaining.

[MZCsmpsns]

First of all, i just want to say that I'm glad you're making positive progress!!! Definitly keep it up!!! And remember, the scale is not your friend- your health is!

Secondly though... ok, i know ED was in the title to the thread... but is there some way in any thread of any type it can be warned that it may be triggering??? (for example..stats!)

[MDee]

sorry. i wont mention the stats anymore..umm i guess it's too late for anythign else.

EDIT Today:
between 5 and 10 ( i ate dinner at 4)...bowl of kashi go lean crunch, another ww tortilla with a tbsp of chocolate pb, another small wheat pita dipped in light blue cheese dressing, a handful of pita chips.

it seems like so much food but my hunger is insatiable. im still hungry! its 10. im done for the day definitely. tommorow i do need to cut down, because if i keep eating like this i will gain.

[Lumos]

Something you can do that can help you prevent an ED cycle from occuring is to STOP thinking about cutting back on eating because you ate "too much" one day. If you were still hungry you were right to eat. Listen to your body. Tomorrow it may be just as hungry- feed it. It may not be as hungry- do what it tells you to, not what your ED mind says.

[MZCsmpsns]

sorry. i wont mention the stats anymore..umm i guess it's too late for anythign else.

EDIT Today:
between 5 and 10 ( i ate dinner at 4)...bowl of kashi go lean crunch, another ww tortilla with a tbsp of chocolate pb, another small wheat pita dipped in light blue cheese dressing, a handful of pita chips.

it seems like so much food but my hunger is insatiable. im still hungry! its 10. im done for the day definitely. tommorow i do need to cut down, because if i keep eating like this i will gain.


I didn't mean for you not to mention stats! Just a stat warning for those who are easily triggered would be nice- not that you did anything wrong by saying yours! Just wanna make that clear!

Don't worry about gaining! Just eat healthy, exercise, let your body do the rest! If you need help for that, talk to anybody *dietician, doctor, therapist,etc..* JUST PLEASE EAT HEALTHY!!! Do NOT restrict!!!! Talk to someone, anyone about it!!!

[taurushead]

MDEE! You sound like you're doing ok!!!
so am I!!! good perspective last few days. last night i think i binged?! but it was great. (is that possible??)
and today i only thought about food in a fleeting way because i was so busy doing other things.

2 pieces of plain toast and black coffee (yeah..that was coz i was still full from last night), some sweet red pepper

some pumpkin and veggies at uni (i decided to stay there all day, not come home to eat 'my stuff'. scary!)

a salad sandwich with no cheese , again at uni.

a soy latte

a jelly baby in class (i won! ahah..)

just got home and even though it was already 4 30 and i could wait til dinner, id eaten less than usual today so i made myself have a piece of fruit and nut toast, a handful of almonds AND what was left of the yogurt, and i feel great.

xoxo

[MDee]

today was terrible :cry:
b-strawberries and creme sunrise luna bar
s-1/2 a banana, handful of carrots w/ light blue cheese dressing
l- "chicken" patty with honey
s-handful of soy crisps
s-bowl of kashi golean crunch on light silk
s-tofutti cutie chocolate bar
d-1/2 cup of brocoli stirfry in a small w.w. pita (this was only like 100 calories) so i also ate a banana with 1 tbsp of dark chocolate dreams pb and a handful of pita chips.
s-bowl of pasta..plain, with chunks of brocoli and tomato in it
^^i would have been happy with that. but at 8:30, i ate:
"sausge" patty in a w.w. pita
w.w. tortilla with honey and a banana
bowl of kashi golean crunch
sandwich: oat bread, 2 tomato slices, mustard

this is what i was afraid of. that once i started eating, i wouldn't be able to stop. i am always SOO hungry.

i guess it helps a LITTLE that today i did alot of exercise
fh conditioning practice (probably about 1 mile) + ran 5 hills
ran 2.5 miles later by myself
swam 20 laps

seeing that i ate so much food scares me. and now my weight is 115. i'm afraid i'll keep eating so much and eventually return to starving.
im scared!

[taurushead]

Mdee xoxoxoxo
i dont think im qualified to say what is and isn't enough food, i also know that its easier to say 'thats not much' when its not you.
but i.m.o., thats not much food, especially for someone who excersises so much!
you're doing really well. just try not to stress out. you're worried you'll binge and starve? guess what hon, only YOU can do that. if you don't want to, and focus on something else, you wont :)
have you got something around to take your mind off things? go out and see a movie with friends. start a massive puzzle. make somebody something. it sounds stupid but it works wonders..
xoxo keep posting ok? im definetely listening to you

[MDee]

Today:
b-bowl of kashi golean crunch on light silk (i'm addicted), glass of v8 fusion splash
l-bowl of chickpea salad (chickpeas, celery, onion, 1 tbsp mayonaise), toasted small whole wheat pita with olive oil, small tofutti cutie ice cream sandwich
d-1 slice toasted oatmeal bread with mustard and tomato slices, few handfuls of soy crisps

i want to get better. anorexia is lonely, ugly, weak. where health is vibrant, colorful, more challenging but it's worth the challenge. i recently realized that i love cooking, i love eating healthy foods. however...im still at 115. i dont see why i gained five pounds. for now i'll rationalize it by hoping my body just needs time to adjust.

Taurus thanks for listening! i look forward to your support. <3

[taurushead]

thats great , recognising that focussing on the wrong bits of life is lonely. that alone is great motivation, don't you find? especially once you get started. and its like 'well..i had fun last night...so why not do it again tonight?' but there ARE gonna be bumps on the road, as everyone says..
you're a tough cookie though, i can tell:)
xoxo

[VeggieMath]

You are doing good. I'm glad to see it. Don't worry about weight. I would say you need to hide the scale. I had to get rid of mine. I have been recoved from my ED (anorexia) for almost 10 years now and I still can't have a scale in my home and stay "okay" with my weight. When I was in therapy, they suggested yoga and meditation to help become okay with yourself. Just a thought at an alternative treatment. It is worth the fight, but you'll find with time that your body becomes happy at one size and basically stays there. Keep up the good work

[MDee]

update on today:wall:

Binge: 2 tiny pieces brocoli pizza, so i guess one piece.. 3 small pieces of bread, salad with dressing, a luna bar, a few fingerfuls of chocolate peanut butter. soo much food. i was a TINY bit hungry but i definitely didnt need more food.
the weird thing was...i spent from about 6-7:30 at the library, reading some book about an anorexic, The Best Little Girl In The World. I guess it had a reverse trigger. Reading about a 70 pound girl suddenly made me out of control. driving home i just thought about food. then i came home and ate my family's leftovers..wanted sweets so i proceeded to the luna bar and chocolate pb.


Scariest part...i tried to throw it up. granted, i could never self induce vomiting but still...i want to be healthy. trying to purge is the opposite of healthy. and now all i can think about is the fat settling on my stomach tommorow...making me look like a pregnant woman which will make me want to hybernate in my room all day and probably stuff my face even more.
Can you say relapse, anyone?
i'm soo scared right now. and guilty, ashamed, frustrated, angry..the list goes on and on.

[raddish]

MDee, recovery is hard and you WILL have relapses.
The trick is to learn to deal with them, and move on.
One bad day does NOT make you a failure.
Just keep trying, you can do this hun!!