I decided to post my situation here and see what everyone has to say:


2 months ago, I met this wonderful guy named Salvador on Craigslist. I had been out of the dating loop for a while and he seemed like a great match.


I found out that he was still dating his girlfriend of 8 1/2 years...who had cheated on him through most of the relationship. She was an abusive person, downright nasty, horrible, and uncaring towards him. Yet, he hasn't left her. He says that he hasn't built up the strength to leave.

A couple of weeks ago he told me he was still seeing his girlfriend despite the fact that she was an abusive cheater. I wanted to :gun: and :whack: him when he told me. He did the very thing I feared: lying to me about being single when he wasn't. I stayed, thinking things would get better. Not by a long shot. He said he didn't want to hurt me. At that point, I definitely wanted to :gun: him.

I also found out that he's subject to severe insomnia and horrible bouts of depression and loneliness that lasts for weeks on end. He's also admitted that he has OCD, was admitted to a psych ward for two months when he was 15.

We haven't seen each other since April 8th. He's been acting distant and we hardly chat on AOL Instant Messenger anymore. What got me was this: He overspent this month and because of that, we haven't seen each other. He didn't want to see me when he was broke. I insisted that just being with him makes me happy, but he insisted he didn't want to see me when he was broke.


He keeps on saying to wait for a while longer, until the summer, when his girl goes to China for a month. It's painfully clear that he's got some serious mental health issues. It worries me.

He's staying in an abusive relationship, yet hasn't done a thing about it. I feel his pain, but I don't need anymore drama. I just came out of a very difficult period in my life. I don't want his problems to become mine.

What should I do? I am at a crossroads.:help:

I don't even know why your heart says to stay. You haven't said one thing in your post that points towards staying with this guy. It doesn't even sound like he's with you. You know the right thing to do.

I say go. I know we haven't got the whole story to go on, but the fact what you've written inclines people to say you should go should be an indication that that's what you really think you should do.

Leave, sweetie. You deserve so much better.

take care of yourself first and foremost and leave. no drawn out good-bye, just end it, for you.

Here's snippets of e-mails he's sent me. Maybe this will help make things clear:

Kim..I have to tell you something that may hurt you. I have tried desperately to figure out a way to financially sustain myself as I get to know you while keeping my responsibilities with the other girl..But I simply can not keep up. I have been very financially strapped this whole month because of the extra money spent during that last weekend we had together. I have also asked the other girl to pay for things here and there that I would normally never do. Kim, I simply can not afford to see you and her at the same time..As you know, I feel my responsibilities are to the other girl, because of the simple fact that I and her have spent almost 9 years together, (even though 8 and a half of those years were miserable,,they were still...9 years).
I actaully decided to go see you several times throughout this month.. I had certainly planned to see you more often when you moved to your mother's place, and more often on weekends. However, like I said before, I am financially strapped this month and did not want to see you when I had no money to spend. I feel horrible because it always brings me so much joy to enjoy life freely with a wonderful woman such as yourself. But the financial restrictions prevent that from happening...
My Kimmie...I can't offer you any advice. Either decided to wait for me, while keeping contact with me through email, text, calls, occasional visits...until I can fully devote myself to you. Or simply try to move on, and simply remember that I will be thinking about you throughout the years.......(yes...I will).

To be honest..Lately I've been thinking that I may be devoting my responsiblities to the wrong person...The thought has passed my mind to simply drop the girl and simply devote myself to you. But it's such a huge step for me. Kim...If I knew for a fact you would be there...I would probably do it....Though you've mentioned it to me before, I'm afraid it will take time to build that level of trust. Today, after I got home from work...I was hit again with this horrible feeling of lonelyness.

Now tell me he sounds like he's out of it? He doesn't even trust me.

that's a cop out.

he's making his choice...her. when he was talking about responsibilities with her....i was expecting him to mention a kid they shared, nope.

his responsibility to her is because she treated him like crap for 9 years???? he doesn't respect himself, so he's not going to understand someone who has enough respect for themself to know that they deserve better than him.

leave. don't look back. if you make this a drawn out good-bye it won't be good. also, expect for him to come around when she's in china. don't be around.

this guy has issues. Time to move on!

he sounds like nothing but bad news!!! you don't deserve to be someone's second choice! i know it may be hard, and its easier said than done, but i think you should cut off contact with him...SORRY!

Get rid of him. He doesn't sound like a stable partner. He can't even be honest with you.

Yep...put him in the 'too hard basket' and try to move on.

it would worry me that this man is so dependant on having a partner - why is he so desperate to know that you will be there for him if he left his girlfriend? can he not exist alone? he sounds very needy. if he is going thru such a hard relationship and is mentally mature surely his priorities should be leaving and getting his life back on track, not jumping straight into another relationship! just my opinion, good luck

He told me that he cannot survive without a woman by his his side; he cannot survivde this world alone. That tells me he's got some serious issues. He says that he's only been with 3 women besides me. He met his first girlfriend while he was hospitalized. Guess that one didn't last long.

If he has serious issues, he has to learn to work them out himself. If you stay with him you're just an "enabler". I agree with the others. I think you're better off without him. From what I've read, I don't think it was a stable relationship from the beginning.

:hug:

If he is seeing you while he is still with this other woman, then he is cheating on her. If he's been unhappy for 8 1/2 years you gotta wonder how many other women hes seen over the years and asked them to wait for him.
Also if you do wait and he actually does leave her then whos to say he won't do the same to you, decide hes unhappy and instead of leaving just start seeing other women.

Yet, he hasn't left her. He says that he hasn't built up the strength to leave.
Then he certainly is in no emotional or psychological state to build something with you.
What should I do? I am at a crossroads. My heart is saying to stay, but my mind is telling me to run far, far away from him.
The best you're going to get from this situation is heartbreak.

Normally when people ask me for relationship advice ( :lol: ), which happens every 4 or 5 years, I say something like "it seems to me blah blah blah but only you can yadda yadda boo". In this case, however, he's with someone else. That means leave.

He's with someone else, and even HE admits he has serious issues. I think ANYONE would deserve better than that. I'd leave.

(I read one of the books by the founder of EHarmony - something about finding your soulmate - and he lists some things that are dealbreakers no matter what. Serious issues and inability to commit are both on that list.)

Hey guys!

Here's another e-mail he sent me:

"Its hard Kim....to tell you the truth...the root of my
suffering with her is mainly my fault...its true that
she has abused me for so long...but i allowed it to
happen....My doctor told me that its obsession....I
went through the same thing many times when I was
growing up..even in first grade, I remember a girl who
I would obsess over constantly....I didn't just liked
her...I wanted her (yes.,,in first grade..i had these
feelings)...I'm also battleing with the immense fear
of being alone. I frightens me more than death. I
would prefer death over being alone, bored, etc. I
know I've been distant...but you should know that I
haven't been out having fun with a group of friends or
seeing some other girl...I just been walking around my
neighborhood, staying home, and going to work
everyday...I'm having a battle within myself because I
don't want to hurt you, but I don't want you to
leave...So I just shut off and become distant....I
just don't know what to do...I try not to come to you
with my problems because I know you have plenty of
your own to deal with...and though your problems are
real problems that threaten life's comfort...my
problems are causing me pain as well.....Like you, I
am unstable......please don't get mad at whatever
outcomes derive from our relationship....my reasons
for not trusting you so much, so soon has to do with
several reasons....some on my part...mostly on
yours."

What the F? Listening to this makes ME want to hallucinate! He needs to be :gun: , :junk: and :whack:'ed! No, even better::flush:: :wall: :furious:!

yeah... erm... i'd say.... run away, run away now!
if you're a kind caring person who can empathise with other peoples pain and problems, its really easy to epathise, be kind, get sucked right in and find yourself all torn and attached and wanting to help etc. truth is, you can't fix someone who is broken, and if you stay with them, you enable them to continue behaving how they always have done, and then they won't have any motivation to change.
when someone has major deep rooted emotional and psychological issues (like this guy does) things have to get soooo bad for them that its either change, get lots and lots and LOTS of therapy, and slowly rebuild everything, or pretty much curl up and die. lots of people don't get to the point where they change, and if they aint got there and come out of the other side yet, trust me, you don't want to try and be in a normal adult relationship with them. they wont have the skills to do it, and it'll be nothing but a big rollercoaster of madness, stress, sorrow, massive headf***ks and lots and lots of waffling excuses, tears, self pity, codependancy, and then the inevitable heartache when you realise further down the road that it just won't work.
sorry.. but like i said... run away, RUN AWAY NOW! lol

You need to look out for yourself and this guy is not doing it!
Frankly, even if he was not still presently involved with this girl, I think it would be a long time before he was ready for a healthy relationship. A person has to work out that kind of baggage on their own -

Hopefully you'll be able to heal from this. It's sad... Been there myself recently. My ex - had an an ex and is living with her again even though they broke up for obvious reasons. He and I have remained friends, but I had to turn of my heart or be burned... I can't do this with someone who isn't giving it thier all. You weren't getting his all if he had a girlfriend elsewhere. He needs to face his fears and find himself... You don't need that. Once he learns to love himself, he'll be good enogh for a "real" woman like you... In the meantime, a relationship built upon a lie can not be real!!!!! Protect yourself and get with a guy who will give you himself not just a part but most of who he is....

Run away!! Even if he does leave her for you, do you really want to deal with all his emotional baggage? I sure wouldn't. You deserve so much better.

He told me that he cannot survive without a woman by his his side; he cannot survivde this world alone. That tells me he's got some serious issues. He says that he's only been with 3 women besides me. He met his first girlfriend while he was hospitalized. Guess that one didn't last long. I moved back to Brooklyn(NY) because of him. Now I regret my decision.

wow, I have sympathy for thr dude, sounds like he needs to see a counsellor.
is there any way you can move back?

He sounds a little crazy, judging by that last email.

LEAVE, LEAVE, LEAVE!!!!