I'll try to keep the long story short (*sigh*).

My girlfriend has a friend of many, many years (since high school). Steve is ... less successful at life, in general. (I'm being mild.) I'm pretty kind, generally, and far from holier-than-thou. This guy has gotten under my skin on several occasions, but I also am quick to recognize his better points. Unfortunately drug use (of the eyebrow-raising kind, to me) is one of his fallacies.

Jennifer and I have agreed to limit our social contact with him (particularly in-our-home contact).

The basics of this incident:

- On his birthday, Jennifer felt "family"-bound to celebrate it with him. I (somewhat reluctantly) agreed that they could hang out at our house.

- The guest list included only Steve, his boyfriend Jeremy, a friend of theirs called Laura, and one other friend of all of us whom I consider totally beyond suspicion.

- I had to work late, and arise unusually early for work the next day, so I took very little part in the event.

- Steve became his usual self when alcohol is involved: absolutely obnoxious and awful to everyone. Par for the course so far, but:

-- The day before, both Jennifer and I have a specific memory of where I'd left the camera. (In a basket on the kitchen counter.)
-- The day after, we decided to use the camera.
-- There was no camera.

So, the awkward situation is, IF the camera was stolen, then WHO took the camera?

Regarding the "IF it was stolen" factor, we pretty much searched every inch of our house. We didn't want to believe it was stolen, we preferred to think it was our mistake in misplacing it. Jen even looked through that evening's garbage, as well as through the yard in case a dog had found a new "chew toy."

Regarding the "WHO stole it" factor ... well, there's the awkward bit. You can't make unsubstantiated accusations -- you don't want to. You don't want to believe it of anybody, and you have no idea which of the three potentials actually did the deed.

I'm really just venting. It's very ugly to be stolen from. It's uglier to know that your suspicions are being cast on several people, some of whom are perfectly innocent (!).

Birthday Boy is under permanent banishment from our home on the grounds that 1. he was already on the "iffy" list, and 2. if not him, it was someone he brought to our house. I'm OK with my decision, but still hate the idea of perhaps holding him resonsible for someone else's thieving.


The whole situation makes me sick.
BTW, it was a $250 camera, not so much money in the big scheme, but a big deal for me when I got it.

Well, that's what happened. Comments?

That is really abominable - that someone invited to your house stole from you. You have every right to be outraged, and to ban that guy from ever coming over again. As you said, there are 3 suspects. It seems that the 3 of them also know each other quite well. Therefore it's possible they were all in on it, or are all at least aware of which one of them did it. Has your friend mentioned it to Steve at all? Like, "We seem to have misplaced our camera after that party, did you happen to see it at all?"

Stealing is the lowest of the low, and especially when someone has been invited to your home and then steals from you. Maybe you could ask your friend to casually mention it to Steve, to see if he looks suspicious or gets on the defensive? I'm not suggesting she outright accuses him (that would be dangerous) but approach it in the way I mentioned above???

Yeah, we tried exactly the sort of subtle approach that you mentioned. With the idea, as you said, of keeping an eye on how they'd react.

Steve claimed that he looked through Jeremy's things, just to be sure. (Nice trust-of-your-partner issue raised there.)

Laura never returned our calls.

Steve became his usual self when alcohol is involved: absolutely obnoxious and awful to everyone. Par for the course so far, but:

Please clarify this. Are you implying that you and/or your roommate provided alcohol to someone you knew to be an alcoholic/substance abuser, someone you knew to become "absolutely obnoxious and awful to everyone" when under the influence? If not, where did the alcohol come from? Something does not quite add up here.

Who actually owned the camera? You (solely)? Your roommate (solely)? You and your roommate (jointly)?

I think you may have learned a costly lesson about not "enabling" alcoholics/drug addicts and their "droogie" friends.

You do have the option of reporting the theft to the police. While I doubt they would do much about it, I think they might be able to furnish you with some advice. If you have the make, model and serial number of the camera, perhaps they could circulate that to the local pawn shops, etc., and you might stand some chance of getting the camera back (assuming that the person who stole it stole it to pawn or fence rather than for his/her own use).

Awww that's a horrible thing to happen :(

All three of them could have gone along with this or it could have been one of them acting alone or two of them together. I guess you're never really going to know.

The way I look at it is , someone who can come to your house and do something like that can also be capable of being a fairly accomplished liar so I probably wouldn't bother subtly questioning any of them to gauge their reaction because they will be ready for it and have their story all worked out. And it's not going to get the camera back anyway.

I think if your GF's got any sense she'd be dropping Steve as a friend because from now on you'll always be suspicious of him. Even if it wasn't him that stole the camera you don't sound like you like him that much anyway, so it's a good excuse to get him out of your life.

Yeah, astro, I didn't care for him much and it is a good excuse to say bye-bye. I still dislike not knowing precisely where the guilt lies, but what the heck.

Please clarify this. Are you implying that you and/or your roommate provided alcohol to someone you knew to be an alcoholic/substance abuser, someone you knew to become "absolutely obnoxious and awful to everyone" when under the influence? If not, where did the alcohol come from? Something does not quite add up here.

I'm not implying anything, lol. I'm stating it right up front. I hesitated to even allow him in my home, but bowed to the pressure of my girlfriend's "family"-like relationship with him. It was easier for me to give in since I wouldn't have to socialize with him -- I got home at 10:30, had to get up at six. I've known him to be a jerk, but not a thief.

The alcohol? There was beer at our house; he drank shots in a bar before he got there.

A lesson for me, sure. Better, an excuse to finally put my foot down and get Jennifer to agree that he will not enter our home ever again, whether I am present or not. I think the biggest lesson went to her: not to hang on to loser high school friends.

I considered the police/pawn shop thing -- I had all the info such as the serial number. I guess I felt the odds of recovery weren't worth it ... if they sold it, it would probably be directly to someone else, or they'd just keep it. Maybe I should have pursued it... not for the monetary value but for the principle.

Oh, the camera was mine. And while Jennifer's taste is buddies can be awful, I don't think she stole it from me, lol.

I'm not implying anything, lol. I'm stating it right up front. I hesitated to even allow him in my home, but bowed to the pressure of my girlfriend's "family"-like relationship with him. It was easier for me to give in since I wouldn't have to socialize with him -- I got home at 10:30, had to get up at six. I've known him to be a jerk, but not a thief.

The alcohol? There was beer at our house; he drank shots in a bar before he got there.

Ok, thanks for being honest and candid about that.

A lesson for me, sure. Better, an excuse to finally put my foot down and get Jennifer to agree that he will not enter our home ever again, whether I am present or not. I think the biggest lesson went to her: not to hang on to loser high school
friends.

Here's where I am having a problem. It's with the nature of the lesson that is being learned (or not learned) from this experience.

Suppose you had stuck your hand in a fire and gotten it burned. But then suppose the lesson you derived from the experience was "Gosh, I'll never stick my hand in that particular fire in that particular place again." In my opinion, that would be the wrong lesson, because it would be far too narrow and it would fail to protect you from future injury.

So, too, here, I think if the lesson you (and Jennifer) are drawing from this experience is that this is just about Steve and his particular friends, that's the wrong lesson, because it is far too narrow and particularized, and because it leaves you open to repeated injury in the future.

The right lesson to draw IMO is the general principle: Do not enable a drunk (or a drug abuser). This includes (but is not limited to): Do not provide alcohol to a drunk. Do not allow a half-loaded drunk into your house to act out his destructive behaviors. Do not shield a drunk from the consequences of his destructive behaviors. Do not "aid and abet" a drunk in his drunkenness or destructive behaviors in any way.

The other general principle that goes along with this is: Detach with love. (I would emphasize the "detach.")

This is pretty much what they'd tell you at any Al-Anon meeting.

There are millions and millions of alcoholics and drug abusers in our society. I'd hate to think that you'd have to be abused by every Tom, Dick and Harry Drunkard before realizing that there is something far more general going on, and not something particular to these people as individuals.


I considered the police/pawn shop thing -- I had all the info such as the serial number. I guess I felt the odds of recovery weren't worth it ... if they sold it, it would probably be directly to someone else, or they'd just keep it. Maybe I should have pursued it... not for the monetary value but for the principle.

From a practical point of view, the odds that it would do any good are small. Many police departments have policies that they will not investigate any theft where the value of the item(s) stolen is less than $500. But I think there is a principle involved (not consenting to being a victim, for one) that might make it worth while, if only from a psychological point of view. I also think it would be worthwhile to be able to ask the police for advice (in the context of filing the report). They would know more about this sort of thing than I would.


Oh, the camera was mine. And while Jennifer's taste is buddies can be awful, I don't think she stole it from me, lol.

I am sorry that the camera was stolen from you. I am even more sorry that you, the person least responsible for this chain of events, were the person most injured by them.

You are the victim here. And I am not one of those people who indulges in "blame the victim" policies. But I do think that in the future you need to draw much broader lines and set much broader limits regarding behavior you will not accept (in order to protect yourself from harm).

Sorry about your camera.

I would try the soft approach of "did you see my camera the other night? I think someone may have taken it mistakenly, those things all look the same" or something like that. If they really did take it, thats probably your only chance of seeing it again.

I agree with the guys banishment, who knows what other crap he could get into. Theres no reason to let people like that into your home, or even your lives. Its not fair to you.

Wow, I'm sorry, this is a really crappy situation.

Unfortunately I have extensive experience with many similar crappy situations.

Things I had stolen from my apartment last year include money, my roomate's wallet, and greens (also a roomate's).
In addition, I had a $300 North Face jacket stolen by someone I knew at a party of another friend of mine.

From what you've told me of your situation, it would seem the culprit is the friend Laura, who you said you had only just met. In my experience, you are most likely to have something stolen by a guest in your house when they don't know you very well. Also, you said she wasn't returning your phone calls, which is pretty suspicious. However, I wouldn't completely rule out Steve and Jeremy either.

You said your friend Jennifer has known Steve for a long time. Has she ever known him to steal something from someone else, or for something to go missing from a mutual accquaintance of theirs while he was present? People who steal from friends of theirs are ALWAYS repeat offenders (at least what I've seen of it). If Steve has never done anything like this before to your knowledge I think it's less likely that he would start now. But even still, he could have been covering up for his boyfriend's actions if he knew Jeremy to have taken it.

One thing you might want to look into is having the case you said you left the camera in fingerprinted, although police generally tend to avoid looking into thefts in my experience (even though that's their job, and in my opinion a lot more relevant than going after people for drugs).

Sorry about the situation again, I know how much that feeling sucks.

Sunny, that stinks! *hug* I don't really know what to tell you in addition to what you already know.

My 17-year-old sister had something similar happen to her Palm a few weeks ago. My sister's quasai-boyfriend had invited a (probably less than honorable) friend to a church youth group event, where my sister and the quasai-boyfriend attend.

My sister said the friend kept asking when everyone was going on a walk, and then he caught up with them on the walk after a few minutes of not knowing where he was. My sister had left her Palm in her purse in the youth room. When they came back from the walk, the Palm was gone. The youth group tore all over the church looking for it. My sister had taken the Palm to church youth group events many times before and had no problems, and though the friend vehemently denied knowing anything about the Palm, she believes he took it. And, she believes she'll never get it back. :(

Ooh, a chance to get all detective-y! All right, first, compile a list of opportunities, motives, evidence, and suspects. Here's my list, you can make your own, but this is what I could make of it from your posts:

Suspect: Steve- Drunk, druggie, "less sucessful in life" friend of victim's girlfriend.
Opportunity: Perhaps when no one was watching?-He was drunk. Others may have been drinking as well.
Motive: He was drunk. Pehaps in his drunken confusion, he took the camera?-He wanted a camera, and he was too poor from buying all that alcohol and drugs to get his own?-The three suspects were in it together.
Evidence: Once again, he WAS drunk. or Steve claimed to have looked through Jeremy's things, but he could have been lying.

Suspect: Jeremy- Steve's boyfriend
Opportunity: While others were worried about themselves, Jeremy could have stolen the camera.-Was he drunk?
Motive: Was he drunk?-Again, the three-some were all involved.
Evidence: Jeremy didn't say anything about this?

Suspect:Laura- Friend of Steve and Jeremy.
Opportunity: Same as above-Since Laura is friends with Steve and Jeremy, she could have stolen it for them?
Motive:See above.
Evidence: She never returned your calls. That doesn't sound right to me.

Anyway, that's my view of it. Some ideas of mine to find your camera:
Search on online bidding sites (i.e., eBay, etc.) Maybe your camera is there.
Have the suspects invite you to their home so you can search for your camera. Maybe casually ask for a picture of yourself, and see what takes the picture.

From my list, I would eleminate Jeremy, and I strongly suspect Laura. However, I am not a professional at this sort of thing, but still try. Good luck finding your camera, and NEVER ALLOW THOSE PEOPLE IN YOUR HOUSE AGAIN, especially if you find out who stole the camera. Also, these tips: Never invite people like Steve into your house. Always hide things of value when you're inviting people over.

I think it is a little suspicious Laura never returned your calls. Whether you knew eachother beforehand or not, she was a guest in your home receiving hospitality. It's common courtesy you return someone's phonecall.