This relationship that I am in seems to be a bad idea. He claims he and his wife are separated, and heading for divorce. I have a gut feeling that he's lying. When we worked together, he had moved out of the house. When he called me in February, I have a feeling he had moved back in, and had just moved out.

Now, he's telling me that his wife is moving out of his old house, and he's moving back in. I don't believe him at all. I have no intentions of being his, or anyone else's mistress.

He acts all possessive and jealous if I go out without him. He acts like we're a couple, but I'm not feeling it. He wants to meet my family and friends, but when I ask about meeting his family or friends, he says it's not a good idea until the divorce.

I don't think the divorce is going to happen.

We're going to celebrate my b-day next Friday. He's going to cook for me, and give me a gift. I'm going to wait for a week, than flat out ask him if he's moving back home, and I'm going to tell him that if he is, he needs to let me know, because I want no part of that.

What do you think about this? Does he sound like he's full of it to you, because I think I smell a rat!

Trust your instincts.

I haven't been in that sort of situation, but if you don't trust him, that in itself is a bad sign. I think you already know the answer to your question. I'm sorry you're going through this :hug:

well, I am not sure I am the one to give love advice.... :)

I am sorry you are being put in this spot where you have to question his actions, it stinks.

I have never been involved with anyone who has a spouse (not being condescending - promise)

But, had I known you personally on the front end, as a friend, I would have recommended you not go there. It seems to me that when one has a spouse and they are not divorced - you always run the risk of being a temporary diversion. He needs to finalize the divorce and be 100 % available to you - especially if he truly cares about you.

It seems a little smelly to me.

I hope you find the answers you are looking for.

:hug:

I already know the answer. If he really loved me, he would be with me. I don't want to hurt his family, or myself. Maybe I should 86 the birthday thing too. I guess it's best to end it now.

When we worked together, he hit on me all of the time, but I refused his advances because he was really married. Anyone who is going to cheat on their spouse is going to do it again.

Oh well, there are other fish in the sea.

Sounds fishy.

I'd ask him out of the blue, in person, naturally as just part of the conversation, "Hey, so who's your lawyer?" and see how he responds. You might want to follow-up if he comes up with a name, "You mean the group on South St." or whatever, and if he says yes, (and assuming that by some crazy chance there isn't anybody by that name on South St.) he's BSing you. Of course he might also say, "Oh, we're not *legally* separated." If that's the case, that's reason enough to get rid of him. How could he be moving toward a divorce without a lawyer? You could also ask him general details about the procedings, future scheduled hearings, etc. and then check back with us to see if it sounds legit. If he's not getting a divorce, he probably wouldn't be able to describe in detail what's actually involved.

Or you could say, "You know, this woman online is so paranoid that she demanded that her boyfriend show her his divorce papers to prove he was really getting one." See how he responds.

And if you leave him, just for your own sense of satisfaction, see if where you live, legal separations are documented publicly and look him up.

I understand divorces can be a long ordeal, but I personally would be afraid to get involved unless things were definitely close to finally done, *and* I had good reason to believe it was true (hard evidence, such as evelopes in the mail from lawyers, etc.) If I were a man and told a woman I was getting a divorce, I would give her evidence up front, bc I'd realize how many guys lie about such things.

He acts all possessive and jealous if I go out without him. He acts like we're a couple, but I'm not feeling it. He wants to meet my family and friends, but when I ask about meeting his family or friends, he says it's not a good idea until the divorce.

firstly, i think that the possessiveness and jealousness isn't really the sort of behaviour i'd find admirable in a partner- but i don't know the guy, it could be that he's insecure, or it could just be that he's a nightmare control freak bf.

The not wanting you to meet his friends and family i can kind of understand, it could be about his not wanting to stir up trouble with his family who might disaprove of him moving on so quickly, but then again, it might be about his not feeling 100% sure where he really is right now, and not wanting to declare his marriage is definately over by presenting you to his family and friends and a symbol of his being in a new relationship.

What do you think about this? Does he sound like he's full of it to you, because I think I smell a rat!

I think that you should trust your instincts here, and your gut feelings, unless you have a damn good reason not to! If you don't feel communicated with, aren't getting the information you need to feel involved or trust him, and have rasied this with him, and still aren't secure, this is a big issue, at least for me, as i think the basis of any serious relationship should be mutual trust, communication, and respect.

also, while i've never been through a divorce, but both of my parents have (not from each other thankfully!) and from what i've heard about it, and from common sense, i can see it being a huge emotional and psychological strain, and a massive period of change in someones life. I think that following a big breakup, it can be very tempting to gain a feeling of emotional security and comfort from rushing straight into a new relationship with someone, or rushing back into the old one, without giving yourself time to reflect, grieve for the loss you've experienced, come to understand what went wrong, rebuild your independance, and then move on.

perhaps some space for both of you would provide insight, giving you both time to reflect, and him space to deal with whats happening in the rest of his life. When he IS definately single, and hopefully not being possessive, and prepared to introduce you to people, and if that gut feeling goes away.... there might be something to build on.

That said, its not my relationship. i think that if you're anything like me, (and most other people on the planet) you're pretty sure how you feel about it all, and know what you want to do, deep down, but you question your own judgement. Why not try reading your post back to yourself, and imagine what you'd tell the poster, or a friend, if they asked you, then do that.

I'd ask him out of the blue, in person, naturally as just part of the conversation, "Hey, so who's your lawyer?" and see how he responds.
To be fair, it's increasingly common for straightfoward divorces to proceed without falling prey to a lawyer. That said, hesitation in answering the question could be suspicious.
"Oh, we're not *legally* separated."
Except in certain atypical situations, legal seperation is dumb. It's most of the work of a divorce but without the freedom.
How could he be moving toward a divorce without a lawyer?
I know two seperate couples who divorced without engaging a lawyer. In a community property (spit) state, and especially when kids aren't involved, it's just straightforward time and paperwork.
If he's not getting a divorce, he probably wouldn't be able to describe in detail what's actually involved.
Agreed.
Or you could say, "You know, this woman online is so paranoid that she demanded that her boyfriend show her his divorce papers to prove he was really getting one." See how he responds.
I've never had a woman ask to see mine, though on a couple of occasions I did offer to show them when asked if I were *really* divorcing/divorced.
I understand divorces can be a long ordeal, but I personally would be afraid to get involved unless things were definitely close to finally done
There's merit in that. I've encountered women who won't even consider a guy until at least a year after the decree is signed, which does seem extreme. In my case the relationship'd been dead for over two years already, but certainly one wants a romantic partner who's unentangled legally, financially, and emotionally.
If I were a man and told a woman I was getting a divorce, I would give her evidence up front, bc I'd realize how many guys lie about such things.
I've been told that more than a few guys do lie about their status. If a guy isn't reasonably free of his ex, building a new and unique one would seem difficult. And as for 'dating' with serious intent someone who's still married: if he's cheating on her, why wouldn't he cheat on you too?

Been there, done that, when I was 19. Ended badly for me. It's not to say that all married men lie about leaving their wives. Some do, but trust your intincts. Actually, what was bad for me at the time, turned out to be the best thing. I've been married 32 years and have three extraordinary children!

To be fair, it's increasingly common for straightfoward divorces to proceed without falling prey to a lawyer. In those cases, would the excuse that the divorce is taking a long time, yadda, yadda, yadda, still be valid?

Blech. The jealousy thing coupled with his desire for secrecy sounds like a bad combo. :no:

This part is just me, but why wait until your birthday. If your gut is wrong, and he's okay, then all the more to celebrate. If he's a toad...then you can kick him to the curb and *really* party. :)

Tust your gut instinct. It's usually right. For me, the most suspect part is that he doesn't want you to meet his friends and family.

A wise woman once told me that "I am getting divorced later" is the oldest lie in the book.

I understand it is harder said than done. You obviously care about the guy. However, it is better to suffer now than later. I mean I believe in fighting for what you believe in, but I also believe you have to pick your battles. You need to let this go. You are wasting time with this guy when you could be with someone you can have a future with.

In those cases, would the excuse that the divorce is taking a long time, yadda, yadda, yadda, still be valid?
Maybe not, depends on the state. Nevada has a six-week waiting period after filing a joined petition. Iowa IIRC is a *year*.

I ended it. He's really pissed, but he will get over it, just like I will. Thanks for letting me vent, and for all of the good advice.

Letting him go hurts like the dickens, but pain brings growth right?

:hug: Good for you for being *strong*. Sure, it hurts now, but it would've hurt a lot more later.


(when is your birthday? You mentioned celebrating it, but your profile says it's already past). :confused:

Good for you, catgirl. I've been in a similar situation, and you are absolutely going to be better off without him.

Until the hard part is over, stay strong and come to us if you need to vent. :hug:

:hug: Good for you for being *strong*. Sure, it hurts now, but it would've hurt a lot more later.


(when is your birthday? You mentioned celebrating it, but your profile says it's already past). :confused:
My b-day was the 17th. I had a blast too! Some old friends and I went out and had so much fun. Just what I needed. I moved closer into town, so I'm near all of the fun stuff, and in walking distance to Whole Foods. :) This year, my birthday was wonderful.

You will be great, glad you had fun on you're B-Day :hug:

My in-theory response to anyone in a similar situation is:

- Be mentally prepared never to see him again

- Tell him that you "understand he's going through a lot right now," and that you would be "delighted to hear from him when his circumstances have changed/improved" in 6 months or a year.

- Don't wait to see if he calls, move on with your life in every aspect.

- That "what if he's a really-good-sincere-no-b.s. guy?" question will be answered IF your phone ever rings ... or if it doesn't.