I've been raising my stepson with my husband since he was 2 years old, and we're both becoming more & more concerned about him. Something just isn't right with him. He's 8 years old now and we're thinking about getting him counseling, but first I wanted to see what others think about all of this. Please give me any advice or thoughts on this. I realize that some of these things are normal kid things, but please keep in mind that these are things we deal with on a constant daily basis, so they're not infrequent occurences.

1. He lies constantly, even if there's no reason for it. It seems like sometimes he'll go out of his way to lie.

2. He's very destructive. He'll break things for no reason & pull things apart. He'll pick at stuff until it comes apart. Today in school he punched his teacher's globe & broke it, for apparantly no clear reason.

3. He has been stealing more and more. He's stolen from stores and from his teacher.

4. He shows & feels absolutely no remorse for anything he does. He has told us that he's not sorry for anything.

5. Any sort of punishment we give him for things he does has absolutely no affect on him. He seems immune to it.

6. He knows right from wrong, but just doesn't seem to care. I've never seen a look of shame on his face and he's never said he was sorry for anything without us making him say it.

7. He seems to do things just for the sake of breaking a rule. If you tell him not to do something, he'll do it. If you ask him to do something, he won't do it.

8. He's been mean to our puppy. He laughs when he scares her and doesn't show much affection towards her at all.

9. He's kicked & bit his cousin, who is like a brother to him. His cousin will be crying from pain and he'll sit there laughing about it. He's kicked him in the privates over & over again when a grown up isn't around.

10. He is a totally different person around others that don't know him very well. He acts very sweet & charming, but most of the time it seems that he's doing it to try to get something from them. Basically, he's conning them in a way. As long as he profits, that's all that seems to matter. If someone gets hurt by his actions, it's of no consequence to him.

I'm getting to the point where I'm scared that he'll get much, much worse as he gets older. We can hardly ever find anyone to babysit him anymore and if we try to do something as a family, he finds some way to try to wreck the day. We're staying home more and more because it just doesn't pay to try to do things outside of the house anymore.

So, anything you can give me on this would be very much appreciated. I know that most of you aren't professionals in psychology, but it helps to hear other's opinions & views on things.

at first it sounded as though you were describing *somewhat* common boy behavior, but, if this description is accurate, the whole pattern sounds psychopathic in behavior/mentality. definitely get him to a counselor, no question. and watch out for the puppy. I would consider finding the puppy another home (a recommendation I would not make lightly), and your stepson needs to be watched around animals so that he does not hurt them or worse. this sounds like it could be serious. best of luck.

I worked with children for seven years as a nursery officer then hospital play specialist. I have no qualifications in child psychology, but I would strongly suggest that your step son is referred to a professional to asess wether he has a behavioural disorder - good luck!

I know nothing about any of this, but that is frightening, and it sounds a little like something I've read about called borderline personality disorder. He needs professional help.

tesseract, borderline wouldn't really include the cruelty aspect. this is more antisocial/psychopathic behavior.

one can't really diagnose personality disorders on the internet, but anyway here is a quick summary of the common ones:
http://66.102.7.104/search?q=cache:yJzV1k3tx1cJ:www.geocities.com/morrison94/personality.htm

tesseract, borderline wouldn't really include the cruelty aspect. this is more antisocial/psychopathic behavior.

one can't really diagnose personality disorders on the internet, but anyway here is a quick summary of the common ones:
http://66.102.7.104/search?q=cache:yJzV1k3tx1cJ:www.geocities.com/morrison94/personality.htm

yea i agree, this sounds like a classic childhood conduct personality disorder. if that's the case i think it's safe to say that you guys definitely need professional help with this. the earlier it's treated, the better the outcome, it looks like. you guys should definitely seek some help.

http://www.emedicine.com/PED/topic2793.htm

best of luck with everything.

:hug: Being a step parent is not easy. My step daughter is 8 also, but does not act like this. A few things she went through though. Step kids go through so much and emotion. Their home was shattered. They can act out in all ways out of hurt. I just want to ask if the other party is involved?

From the description, it does sound like a personality disorder. I also think you should get him into counseling as quickly as possible.
:hug:
Good luck!

I don't want to freak you out, but it sounds like he would fit a number of the requirements of a psychopath, based on the Psychopathy checklist. Take him to a psychologist or therpist asap.

And please keep him away from that puppy.

I have no training in child psychology, either, but like the others I agree that the sooner he receives counseling, the better. (My first thought was severe autism, but only a trained professional can rule that out). And yes, like the others posted, keep him away from that puppy! :worried:

I have no training in child psychology, either, but like the others I agree that the sooner he receives counseling, the better. (My first thought was severe autism, but only a trained professional can rule that out). And yes, like the others posted, keep him away from that puppy! :worried:

Severely autistic children are withdrawn, not cruel. Autistic children can have issue with knowing right from wrong but it's not indifference, it's a total lack of being able to compute social issues the way people normally do. They also lack the ability to be "sweet and charming" around some and different around family members. They simply are who they are. I have a child on the slighty affected side of the autism scale.
Again, I'm no expert but it sounds like sociopathic behavior. It's not your fault or his, it's an illness. Please get him to a therapist! Don't worry about him acting sweet in front of the therapist, they are trained to be able to deal with this! Please make sure he's supervised at all times too so he doesn't hurt anyone. This isn't typical kid behavior. The lack of remorse or shame is a huge red flag. Everyone does something wrong but shame and remorse are what keep us in line.
Good luck and I hope your stepson finds peace.
Mary

Also, no expert here. Getting him help would be my first priority. Also, the possiblity that this behavior is a result of some trauma that he has experienced is also a possibility and this negative behavior is his way of expressing his pain/anger. Many times people 'desensitize' themselves due to some painful experience. I would try and get him into counseling so that the experts can decipher what the cause of this behavior may be. Good luck. I'm sorry you are having to deal with such a tough situation.

to MaryC1999: Thanks for clearing that up. I told you I was no expert! :o

Also, the possiblity that this behavior is a result of some trauma that he has experienced is also a possibility and this negative behavior is his way of expressing his pain/anger.

I also think there may an underlying trauma here. Sexual or other physical abuse maybe. Whatever the case is, this boy needs to see a child psychiatrist.

I agree with the rest of the folks, get him to a mental health expert quickly.

Also you unfortunately have to be prepared for the wrath of the rest of your partner's family and his ex. I would imagine that when you've raised your concerns they've probably said things like "Oh, it's not that bad" or "You just look for the negatives and don't see the positives."

Best of luck to you and your family. I think you have every reason to be concerned. I wish you a positive outcome for everyone involved.

Have him screened to see if he's bipolar. There may be a chemical imbalance in his brain. Or, like Diana said, he may be acting out due to a trauma no one knows about but him and he's afraid to speak of it.

I hope he gets better soon though.

Quote:
Originally Posted by karenlovessnow
"Also, the possiblity that this behavior is a result of some trauma that he has experienced is also a possibility and this negative behavior is his way of expressing his pain/anger. "

Diana:
"I also think there may an underlying trauma here. Sexual or other physical abuse maybe. Whatever the case is, this boy needs to see a child psychiatrist."


seems likely...also, your stepson made me think of my nephew who was born with many physical/health problems--was in the hospital for a long time as an infant and was not able to be held for part of that time...he has had a lot of trouble with feeling empathy for others...he is 13 now and continues to see drs and counselors and some have said that missing out on physical bonding at a crucial age in his infancy has some effect on his lack of empathy...
at any rate, i do think you should seek evalations and help for him...best of luck!

Gee, thanks for all the great, thoughtful responses, everyone. I wasn't expecting this much advice. :)

We will be making an appointment with a professional as soon as I'm done talking with his teacher & pediatrician. They're finding recommendations for us.

To answer a few questions & concerns- his biological mother does see him, but not very often. She has a drug & drinking problem, so her visitations are very limited. He was abused when he was younger & she did drugs and drank when she was pregnant, which I'm sure affected him a lot. She even made him smoke marijuana & drink beer a few times when he was real little. Makes me feel sick just writing about this.

As for the puppy, he will never, ever be around her without having my husband or I around. After the occurence when he was mean to her, he hasn't been trusted alone with her.

From the research I have done so far, I think he leans towards sociopathic or bipolar behavior (although I think he leans a lot more towards sociopathic), so I've got to agree with all of you who have mentioned it. Kind of scary since sociopaths cannot be "cured".

Any other suggestions or advice, please keep coming. Thanks again.

Disclaimer: I'm not a pro. I wonder if your step-son believes that his behavior is in his own self-interest. If so, then he's not necessarily mentally ill, but merely acting to maximize his own comfort/pleasure, which is what most humans do. Being the center of attention can certainly bring great pleasure for those who crave attention. The utter lack of regard for the consequences of his actions upon other living beings is hardly unusual among humans, in fact, in my experience this is more the rule than the exception (uh oh, my misanthropic tendencies are showing through...)

Well, something to chew on as you get him professional help. Maybe I need professional help, too :idea:

My girlfriend's family fosters children and your step-son sounds quite similar to her nine-year-old fostered brother. He does a lot of the things in your list too and, similarly, he was abused at an early age. As far as I've been told, his parents were alcoholics, did drugs and were very violent indeed.

He's been constantly moved from foster carer to foster carer due to his behavioural difficulties which just leaves the mental impression of "nobody loves me, nobody wants me". This is a cause-and-effect situation and I think it sounds similar to your step-son: the abuse he received or perhaps one particular incident may be the cause of his behaviour.

I'm no expert but I think that all children have a so-called "Achilles Heel" - something they really cannot do without or crave for deeply. This might be the right to do something, a material possession or *attention* from others.

My girlfriend's foster brother has a system of "consequences" set up for just about every type of inappropriate behaviour and it is scaled so that the worst behaviour receives the worst consequences. For example, he might be banned from using the family computer if he swears. Obviously this is nothing new in terms of parenting but I've noticed that when a series of consequences build up, he is constantly knocked at every stop - meaning he finds he now can't do a lot of things he would like to, which usually almost immediately gets to him.

I'm not sure if much of that made sense and, as I've said, I'm no expert - far from it! :D

I'm interested to see how or if your step-son changes after some counselling.

I'm now officially one year done with my Masters in Social Work (WOOHOO!). From what I've learned thus far, I can say this much:

I know nothing about any of this, but that is frightening, and it sounds a little like something I've read about called borderline personality disorder. He needs professional help.

It is impossible for an 8 y/o to have BPD. It sounds sort of like Conduct Disorder (lack of empathy being a big flashing light on that one), which, as an adult can BECOME Anti-social Personality Disorder (In fact, having CD as a child is one of the criteria for ASPD).

One of my questions is whether the behaviors are situation specific, or do they happen at home AND at school? You said he's sweet around people who don't know him, but school knows him.

Yes, get him some help. Get your pediatrician to do a full physical, blood work up, etc... to rule out any underlying medical problems. Get a referral to a child psychologist/psychiatrist. DO NOT let your pediatrician write out a prescription for anything for him until you get him properly evaluated by a mental health professional. Many childhood mental health problems are resolvable, but many also require a great committment from the parents. Basically, you need to be retrained how to parent a child with X problem, and it doesn't mean you did anything wrong!! Good luck. Let us know how things go!

Late reply here, I'm more than half way through a psychology degree and I'm with rabid_child sounds like anti social personality disorder...get help, and please update us all sometime!