On this Mothers' Day, my thoughts are wandering to the subject of what can be done to undo severe abuse from a mother/father.
I get the sense a lot of therapy is bullsh*t.
I have read some things about getting oneself to play like a child (no matter what one's chronological age) & talking to oneself like a loving parent to a child. Is this effective? Has anyone done it?
Some people just say to forget about it & get really into work, exercise, etc. but I have been doing this for years: it's just running away.

I'm convinced that if child abuse continues to be unaddressed, it will haunt the grown abused person in the form of low self-esteem, depressions, anxieties, suicidal thinking, self-sabotage & the like FOREVER.

If you have been abused & recovered, what was your way out?

I agree with you about all of this organica, and I'm sorry to hear you were abused as a child. I recieved mild verbal abuse/intimidation, and I suffer from a lot of low self esteem and difficulty coping with life. My heart goes out to everyone who has dealt with this, and all I know is that I take it one day at a time, trying to deal with my feelings as they arise. An example would be, why do I feel so afraid that my boyfriend is going to cheat on me? Then I think...I know I have low self worth and a lot of insecurities. Why? Because my Dad **** on me a lot as a kid. But thats where it all seems to end. From there all I can think is...well, I know WHY I feel the way I do, but how to change it, I'm not sure. I think all we can do is build ourselves up with positive people life the best life I can, trying to remind myself of the people I care about and the people who care about me.
Life is harder for some, and I have accepted that this is true for me, whether its the result of my own personal characteristics or events in my life. I just get through it day by day organica...I too, have found a lot of therapy to discuss WHY things happen, but when I get to how I deal with it, they pull out a pen and paper to write me a perscription.
Its just difficult.

I have three younger sisters and we were all abused in all forms, but I think what has helped is just us talking about it to eachother anytime it comes up. We also spend a ton of time with eachother. I basically have just kept the mindset that I would do everything in my power to not let it affect my life. I didnt go crazy into work or anything. I just spend as much of my time making my sisters feel special and needed that they do it back and I dont have many problems with it. I dont think it will ever leave me but I at least have control over it ( or so I think ). I did the whole therapy thing and it helped a little but it wasnt realistic to my needs. The woman kept telling me that I needed to stop taking care of my sisters and care about myself. You cant not think about other people when you are all suffering together. Anyway, I dont speak to my father, which helps, but I talk about it with my husband whenever I need to. After 7 years I feel better about it. The only time things comeup are when my husband says things that remind me of my father. Anyway it helps to talk to someone about it...if you dont have anyone feel free to pm me. Lots of Luck and prayers.

:bobo: k

I was abused a few ways as a kid. I have played (gone to the park and played on the swings, and bars). I'm not sure if it helped. I have problems sometimes still. My friends don't get it nor my family. I have given up on therapy. A lot of things tear me up. Life goes on, but I haven't found a solution yet. Good luck there.

ok, basically, what worked for me was cognative behavioural therapy. all the 'talking about my feelings' therapy didn't really fix anything for me, just reminded me i was sad, and that bad things had happened when i was a kid, nor did the nice prescription drugs help much, they just made me feel weird and numb.

what i really needed was to learn to be nicer to myself, to stop judging myself, to stop being negative, to stop being miserable, to learn to be happy, to just get on with being alive even when it felt really hard or scary to try, and to accept that what i have experienced in my past does not define me, or the path of my future, unless i decide i want it to.

i am acheiving this, through not saying negative things to myself in my head, and not repeating patterns of behaviour that enabled me to not recover. i catch myself when i'm enabling my depression and unhappiness, or thinking negatively, and challenge those thoughts and actions, and try and replace them with positive, realistic ones.

i'm not trying to be harsh, i know how crippling depression can be, i had it for a long time, and i didnt have a picturebook childhood either, but i think as adults we tend to do what we've always done, and think about things in the way we always have, whether it works out for us or not, out of habit and learned behaviour.

when i was depressed it was often easier to just get right into it and enjoy it, or continue being negative, partly cos it was a habit, partly cos it felt safe, and partly cos i didn't know how to do anything else- it was scary and uncomfortable to be positive or try, and to say 'i'm not doing this miserable thinking today' or 'i'm thinking out of my arse now, and i'm going to stop it'.

it's not particularly easy to make myself go outside and do things, or smile and talk positively to people when i'd rather be under the duvet dwelling on my childhood, or to stop myself and say 'thats a complete load of crap' when i find myself thinking 'you're stupid' or 'you shouldn't bother trying cos you'll mess it up' or 'somebody is going to find out you aren't smart enough to be doing your job soon' or whatever, but these aren't really useful thoughts, and they aren't remotely true either, comfortable statements as they are.

i've also decided that i am not defined by what i have experienced in my past. bad things happen to everybody, and while my 'bad things' hurt me a lot, they aren't the only things that have happened in my life, why should i wear them like a ball and chain or label myself as damaged because of them?

i wouldn't let a load of angry drunk people live in my house with me and wreck it, why would i let destructive thoughts live in my head, and keep them company?

Just forget about it, still alive and have formed my own life and walk my own path.
Abuse is part of who you are and part of what formed those who have lived through it but it does not define you.
I mean it is no secret people have problems for the rest of thier life but you do not have to let those problems rule you.

Thank you all. Good suggestions here.

I have a related question: should I *try* to talk to people about what happened when I was a child? I've blacked out 99% of it & I have no photos of me as a kid. I know a little from my sisters, but we don't speak anymore.

I never called my mother yesterday (Mother's Day). I thought about it, & then I recalled some of the extreme violence & deprivation she put me thru, & decided to ignore her. I wish I had a mother I could love, instead of a psycho I may never talk to again. Any mother who can beat up kids who aren't even old enough to defend themselves should just be shot.

Any mother who can beat up kids who aren't even old enough to defend themselves should just be shot.

You and I disagree on many things.
However, we are very close to being in agreement over this matter.

:hug: I can relate, organica. Mother's Day was extremely difficult for me, too. I gave my mom a card that was so generic (as I do every year) and she always looks dissapointed that I don't write things like "you're the best mom", or "thanks for all that you do", or even "I love you".

Father's Day is even more difficult. :grr:

I have a related question: should I *try* to talk to people about what happened when I was a child? I've blacked out 99% of it & I have no photos of me as a kid. I know a little from my sisters, but we don't speak anymore.

do you mean talk to your family about what happened, or talk to a councellor? i guess you mean talk to your family- to get more information and put it together like building a puzzle, or try and find out why they did it, or to get some sort of apology or acknowledgement that they did wrong by you.

i think if you are going to talk to your family, you really need to be very prepared emotionally it, and for the responses you might get. You need to know how you are going to deal with what you experience as part of this process, and understand what (if any) difference you feel it's going to make to your own personal healing, and be clear on what its going to change for you.

i'd definately seek professional help in going through this process, if you feel you want to do it, you need to be in a safe and supported place when exploring all the emotions and feelings its going to bring to the surface, and be clear and realistic in what you are doing and what you expect it to change for you.

My own father has apologised many times, sometimes in tears, and always quite sincerely, for my childhood. He is incredibly sorry. He's received long term proffessional help and turned his life around, and we all understand that what he did was a result of his own awful childhood and adult experiences, and that a lot of it really wasn't his fault, he just didn't have the skills to deal with his own life, and had suffered a lot of severe trauma himself (he won't accept it not being his fault though).

while i'm very greatful for this insight, and happy that he's recieved help, and while i understand a lot more now, and do have some kind of relationship with him- (i can hold a pretty basic conversation with him on the phone, etc), we'll still never be really close, and to be honest, none of this changes what happened when i was a child. for me, a hug, his recovery, his sorrow, and having all the puzzle pieces, while being touching things, and positive steps, doesn't change what happened to me, the memories won't change becuase of them, neither will my childhood experiences.

you might get something positive from talking to your family about what happened, but i'd be prepared that there is the very distinct possibility that you could also get screamed at, called a liar, shunned by your family, accused of causing trouble, disbelieved, laughed at, have doors slammed in your face, get very cold 'well, thats the way things were, leave it alone' kinds of remarks, or even just recieve blank looks and hear 'i don't know what you're talking about'. you might also find out that there is a damn good reason your brain has been repressing what you experienced, and suddenly be faced with some unpleasant (to say the least) memories, when other peoples information helps the fog of your memories clear.

i'd really want to be very much prepared for this, with the help of a professional, and would hope to have a lot of personal emotional support from very good friends who would even just be there to hold me if i needed to cry, if i was going to open such a complex can of worms. i don't think anybody can tell you what you SHOULD do, but i think that with skilled help you'll discover if this is something you want to explore. i would definately not go about it alone though.

Well, I too am a product of abuse. I have 5 brothers and sisters who were also abused on different levels. My two older sisters have held on to it and now one is 40, the other 37, and they both still blame our parents for everything that goes wrong in their life. Personally, I just came to terms with it, and made peace within myself and enveloped myself in the thought that if I let myself be controlled by the resentment I have, they win and I'm no better than them. My life is now dedicated to making sure my kids have the childhood that I always wanted. So far, so good. It slso helps having a hubby that was also abused and has also moved on. Although 'moving on' sunds hard, trust me, its so much easier than living with the wieght of resentment on your shoulders. And BTW, if your parents suck... don't honor them on Mother's/Father's day. Thoseare reserved for the parents that loved their children enough to not beat them. I don't even think of my dad on Father's day. Instead, I shower my hubby in gifts and attention, because he's the best father I could have asked for for my kids.

My husband credits behavioural therapy and group therapy with saving his life. He says it gave him the tools to fight the memories of his abuse and live his life again.

Child abuse is so heart breaking.

Organica: Have you ever read the book by Lois Einhorn called Forgiveness and Child Abuse: http://www.loiseinhorn.com

It's not your run of the mill self-help book. I would suggest you buy it if you have some money to spare. Perhaps you could find a second hand one on Amazon or e-bay if you're short of cash.

The abuse that Lois Einhorn went through was just unbelievable. And she has come out of it scarred but victorious.

i'm so sorry that you had an abusive childhood!
i don't know if this would work for you or not, but i have found peace in comming to grips with things in my past by working with/helping people who are going now through what i went through...i was not abused, and everyone is different, but it has worked for me...

Thank you all very much. I'm trying to change my way of thinking, & stop fighting & acting provocatively so much, things I am guilty of here on VB as well as in RL. You all make great suggestions which I am printing off to re-read.
It';s so sad so many of us, & so many other children & previous children, have to deal with abuse. It's just heartbreaking, even though I do not like children (~likely due to my own hating myself when I was a child).
I love you all on VB, even though I act like an @$$ sometimes because I was raised to fight & argue & seek attention, & I have trouble changing that in my way of approaching even the people I care about & want to be liked by.
What a wonderful world it would be if people would only have kids they wanted, & treat them with as much love & care as they deserve as their birthright.
I hope all of you who have put up with an abusive parent can feel good about yourselves. That's what I need to work on most: just accepting myself, & not continuing to achieve pinnacles of achivement in hopes of pleasing my parents someday.

When I look at my hairline in the mirror, I can still see a scar where my mother kicked me from behind & split my head on a cabinet door. She did take me to the ER, but in the 70's doctors & nurses didn't ask about how a child suddenly had a huge gash in her head late at night.
"Happy Mother's Day". Yeah right.

I hope I can stop feeling self-pity over this eventually. I'm going to get the book recommended in this thread & try to find a new therapist & keep up with Al-Anon meetings.

Thanks for letting me vent. Her birthday is coming up too & I will ignore it. I feel paralyzed when I talk to her because all she does is trash me & my father, & ignore all my achievements & the rest of me.

hey, it sounds like you've been taking some really positive steps- well done!
its not easy making changes, but it looks like you've got a good handle on how you tend to do things that isn't working for you, what you want to change, and how you're going to work on it. thats really positive stuff! :)

i know you probably won't find it easy to do this - i know i find it hard (and not just cos it's a tricky angle to get your arm at! lol) but you should give yourself a big pat on the back for making it this far, and for keeping at it! :up:

those Al-Anon people aint a bad thing either, lol, they have some nice little phrases that kinda sum everything up, that seem to come in handy to stop me in my tracks when overthinking kicks in, lol- and my mum is an Al-Anon member, so i guess i have to recommend them, lol. ;)

did you get a sponsor yet?

I love you all on VB, even though I act like an @$$ sometimes

It is not illegal nor a crime to act like an ass sometimes. If ever you meet someone who DOESN'T, let me know. I'll give them a mickey mouse chocolate badge.

Just be yourself. Don't pretend to be someone you're not. And if people don't like it, well then they can act like asses!!!! :guitar:

:hug: I can relate, organica. Mother's Day was extremely difficult for me, too. I gave my mom a card that was so generic (as I do every year) and she always looks dissapointed that I don't write things like "you're the best mom", or "thanks for all that you do", or even "I love you".


Yeah same here. :-/

Father's Day is the bad one for me. It has taken me sooooo long to get over what happened. I have had therapy in the past, but that didn't get me past it really. I just eventually got tired of what my dad did to me as a kid ruling how my life played out now. I didn't want to give him that type of power. Cutting him out of my life has really helped. I had horrendous self-esteem, self hate is more like it. But, I am getting over that. There are things that I love about myself and I am starting to acknowledge those things instead of ignoring them like I used to. I have three kids and I want them to have the happiest possible childhood. I want them to have the opposite of what I had, because no one deserves that. But, I realized recently that me being miserable wasn't helping anyone (myself, most of all). I have put my past, in the past...I can look at it from time to time, but not dwell on it.

My husband also found the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook by Glenn R. Schiraldi to be helpful. I did as well, it illuminated some of his behavioural triggers.

Thank you all. Good suggestions here.

I have a related question: should I *try* to talk to people about what happened when I was a child? I've blacked out 99% of it & I have no photos of me as a kid. I know a little from my sisters, but we don't speak anymore.

I never called my mother yesterday (Mother's Day). I thought about it, & then I recalled some of the extreme violence & deprivation she put me thru, & decided to ignore her. I wish I had a mother I could love, instead of a psycho I may never talk to again. Any mother who can beat up kids who aren't even old enough to defend themselves should just be shot.

i know how you feel, i have a mother who is exactly the same, apart from shes an alchoholic. and i moved out to my dads im 18, when i was 14, and so did my other sister who is now 16. the worst part is my 6 year old sister is still there, i find that other adults so called friends dont want to listen or concern themselves with the problem. talking for me doesnt help, it just reminds me of the past, i havent gotten help, i am scared of what my mum etc will think...

Thanks again. Mmonroemaniac, I hope your 6-y-o sister can get out of that situation FAST.

I heard something at my Al-Anon meeting last night that is helpful: I don't have to think bad thoughts all the time & expect the worst!!
(I always thought doing those things was "realistic"- I would always be prepared for the worst).

But as WonderRandy once (brilliantly) said on here: "worrying is like praying for what you DON'T want", ie. a self-fulfilling prophecy.

i do that sometimes too, ( i'm trying to do it a lot less recently though!) it doesnt help to be negative, cos you start to believe its true lol. i'll sometimes automatically decide something will go wrong, or be crap, or whatever, and work out all the possible negative scenarios before i do something, out of habit.

in my weird logic, its me like protecting myself from the critiscism and disapointment that i often experienced as a kid, by preparing for it. but its not really- its really just me telling myself negative statements, making myself feel negative, and therefore perpetuating the negativeness that i experience, lol.

some of us people have some funny logic, lol.

sounds like alanon is working for you, i'm really glad, and kind of excited for you, with all the good stuff you have in your life thats yet to come, but on its way!

:(

I wasn't abused. My mom was just worked alot and when she come home she'd yell at us (it was a nightly event) and make us feel unwanted (if I didn't have kids I'd blah blah). On a light note, she's so crazy and hypocritically self-centered the family past time is mocking her behind her back.

Maybe you should try talking to your siblings. At the very least you'd have someone to talk to who know what you're going through.

Try to live your life like it's revenge against your parents. Be the person they never were.

BTW, don't ignore your mom's birthday. Send her a thanks for nothing note or a cow pie or something.

THERAPY SUCKS ? Spoken by someone who obviously needs alot of it. I do believe in learning to 'play' now that we are adults. But, I have never stopped playing..... Why don't you try, mindfulness. Buy a book on it and read about how you can use it in every area of your life. It could help.
I have spoken