My bf and I are splitting up after 5 years. It's my call, I haven't told him yet, but it's coming. I want to be sure I have myself covered...so when you are living with someone, how do we make the split? We have our own stuff and shared items. We are both on the lease, but someone will have to move. I have my kitties, he has his.

Anyone been through a similar situation that can offer some pointers to make this process and smooth as possible? I am absolutely dreading this...but can't stay for that reason alone. I've waited too long already. *sigh*

Ugh. I feel for you.
I guess I have no suggestions, other than to tell him as soon as you can, it's going to be better for everyone and everything to make a quick, clean break and not drag things on any longer...

Good luck hon'.

oog i feel for you. i have lived with my bf for 8 years. i have wanted to leave for 5. problem is we have a 7 year old boy. its so hard to just pick the day and say, "um guess what?" so much easier to just put it off for another day. and another. and another. i hate pain.

good luck to you!

Hey there.. you're in my thoughts!
A friend of mine split with her long term partner last year (they'd been together 5 years).
Before she did/said anything (althought it was clear one of them was going to jump..) she arranged to stay with a friend that wasn't a mutual one, so that a) she had somewhere to go, and b) the friend wasn't torn between them both.
The friend didn't ask for rent, and as it was she who left, she paid the rent for x amount of months before her partner decided whether to find a housemate or move.

She also started to sort out any of her own bills etc beforehand.

*big hugs*
I'd just advise you to view it like you were making an ordinary move, and make sure you have everything organised and try not to get upset or emotionally stressed until you have to.

First, you have to make sure that everyone is on the same page--that it's obvious that you're breaking up. You'll need to have this discussion.

Then, you'll need to talk about the pragmatic aspects of breaking up.

first, talk about where you're going to live. If you want the apartment, give your 'ex' the opportunity to find a new place. If you want to move out, make a schedule so that you have a specific 'move out' date. Once you have determined who is staying in the apartment, contact the lease office and tell them of your situation. they may allow you/him to bring in a roommate or they may require you/him to demonstrate that you can take over the full amount of the rent. They may also require you/him to pay penalties for breaking your/his part of the lease.

Second, obviously what is yours is yours, what is his is his. Place a value on each shared item--a monetary value. Then, write down in a list the things that you want the most, the things that you sort-of want, and the things that you don't care about. Ask him to do the same. Then, you can negotiate with each other for what you want to keep and what he wants to keep.

Add up the values of these things once you've divided them up. Say the total valus of the stuff is $1185. Each person should recieve $592.50 in value. If your total is $654 and his total is $531, then you give him the difference in money: $61.50. Then, these combined objects have been distributed equitably. Also, anything that neither of you wants should be sold at a garage sale or similar and then the amount of money earned should be evenly divided between the two of you.

Essentially, being open, clear and nonemotional (no fighting) during this process will be helpful. it will be difficult, but it's necessary to make the transition smooth.

I wish you all the best!

Splitting up is such a pain in the butt. I'm not good at giving advice, but when I split up from my ex, since I was the one that wanted out, I left and let him have the apartment and most of the things. I took the most important things to me - my daughter and my computer. :p

:hug:

Sounds like you're getting some good advice. Definitely make sure you have a place to stay, in case he "decides" that he wants the apartment.

I was in the exact same position (minus the cats!) just over a year ago. It was difficult emotionally, but not practically as there was no animosity on either side. We just decided which things we liked/wanted most and split them that way, so Zoebird's method wasn't necessary. As for the accommodation, my place of work had a room free in the house that it owns, so that was very convenient for me. My ex moved into halls at his uni.

I had waited far too long to end it, and I'm sure that made it easier (for me) because it meant I was sureas I had thought about it for so long. It has definitely worked out for the best - I have no regrets at all. And now I'm going to move in with my current boyfriend next month!

first::hug:

secondly, I would start separating your stuff from his stuff. make a list of the things you will need right away (refrigerator, bed, etc) then, whatever's left, decide on who needs it or not.

before you tell him, have a monetary cushion. If he makes a stink about the apartment, make sure you and the cats have somewhere to go, if needed. maybe offer to keep his cat temporarily-as a way to encourage him to find his own place and keep the peace.

I don't know about placing a monetary value on stuff... once cash is concerned it can get sticky, and once emotions come into play-you don't want to end up argueing about how much a toaster has depreiciated.-if you can live without it, let it go.

make as many plans as you can before telling him.

I just ended a 6 year relationship. It went pretty well, but we own a house together, so currently I have to start talking to lawyers about getting him off the deed. it sucks.

when i 'broke up' with roommates in the past where we shared costs of certain items (like toasters) we used 'garage sale' prices. we estimated what we thought an item was worth.

my sister and i roomed together for a while. we bought a lot of things together. if we both used them, then when it came to trying to split them, we gave it a random, garage sale price, and then decided who would get what. And when we added up what each of us got, i subtraced the difference between what would be 'even' between us, and we paid-up the difference.

this also helped cover some costs and made everyone feel well. also, this is how it's done in divorce proceedings, except with real values (done by an appraiser) on all of the objects in the house. this helps with equitable distribution or buy-outs. For example, if both parties want the beach house, but one party will take the boat and the mountain time share instead--and they have equal value--it's an easy exchange. But if neither party is willing to part with the beach house, one party can buy the other party's interest.

I already started making mental notes. For example, he splurged on a King sized bed which I hate. It's a monstrosity. I will keep the double futon I brought with until I am on my feet.
We both hate the apartment, so I am prepared to have a plan of action to move ASAP. I want to the be one to leave. I just don't know how in the meantime, it will work.
I wish he had a place to stay close by to give me some space while packing...How can I pack to leave and walk out of someone's life when they are still in the same house?

Part of me wants to take my kitties, my clothes and just get the heck out, but that's not practical. That is me wanting to avoid any kind of confrontation. (Trust me I've already played the "leaving a note" scenario over and over in my head. But I can't do that)

I am fairly certain that financially, we will both be fine. I'm not to worried about it..I can always make more money right?

I am trying to wrap my head around all of this. Build up the courage to tell him. But we've stopped communicating ages ago. We haven't spoken about anything important in years. All I have left now is a roommate I clean up after and a shell of a romance. It's time to move on...I just wish it didn't have to be so painful and complicated. Luckily I will have a nice support system...I am visiting my parents on Sunday and have already given them the heads up. My dad asked me to bring my "financial head" and a gameplan so they can help me plan. How much can I afford, where to look, etc. I have also decided to see a therapist starting Wednesday to help me cope and sort all this out.

And thank you everyone :smitten:

Sorry you're going through this vggiegirl. I went through something very similar a few years ago. ... 6 year relationship, living together, etc. The hardest part for me was letting go of the hopes/dreams that I had had for the relationship. It was rough, but I know I'm better off having made the decision to end the relationship. You need to just go with your heart.

Since I had also lost my job, the ex bf and I shared the apartment for another month after breaking up. It was two bedrooms, so we had a chance to start the seperation and sorting process before the move. Basically, we each pointed out which joint items were most important to us, then randomly sorted out the rest of the junk. I can't say either of us cared much about stuff at that point anyways. He ended up keeping the apartment and I moved across town to a cheaper place.

Good luck with all the changes. Life probably has some bigger better plans for you ;)

I wish he had a place to stay close by to give me some space while packing...How can I pack to leave and walk out of someone's life when they are still in the same house?

you just do it. i've done it before (with roommates). he knows that you're moving out, so what's the big deal (for you, emotionally) if he still lives there while you do it?

trust me, boxes and stuff won't hurt his feelings. if it does, he can go to the other room or leave the apartment for the evening. you're simply doing your own work and this is part of the process. if possible, see if you can take a few days off from work to move during the day while he's working. this may also create some emotional/mental space.

I left you a voicemail message, vggiegirl. Call me if you need anything. :hug:

I think you have a really good head on your shoulders. Its very good for you to leave the apartment you shared - I have a friend who broke up with her boyfriend of 11 years - they owned a home together , and she "bought" his half from him. What a huge mistake. It took her 3 years to even partially get over him.... living in the home they shared together for so long.... I could never have done it. I am so glad you have a good emotional system there for support, and that you are planning to see a therapist. It will be hard, but getting away from a painful relationship is the first step towards a happpier, healthier you! hang in there, girl. (((HUG)))

Breaking up/moving out etiquette.

Since it is your call he gets dibs on the apartment (unless it is dramatically more practical for you to stay there) if he doesn't want it it's yours and if you don't want it either you split the cost of breaking the lease.

Stuff: be reasonable. If you bought it, it is yours. If you are the only one who uses it it is yours. If its questionable be generous because, again, it was your decision. Don't take anything that is his favorite thing or has sentimental value to him because it will compound his feelings of loss.

Debra if you're on here, I can't talk now but will call you tomorrow.

To everyone else, thanks for the support.

Remi, I agree he deserves the apt. and I am fully prepared to move.

i dont have any advice but i really feel for you. and also congrats on being brave enough to be the one making the break. i struggle with doing that and spend ages trying to decide if im even doing the right thing. this means you've got a good logical head on your shoulders, so im sure you'll get through this :) :) :)
xoxo

Debra if you're on here, I can't talk now but will call you tomorrow.

Cool...if you get my voicemail at work, I'll call you back as soon as I can.

FYI: John, Shanti, and I will be attending the veal demonstration Friday night (mentioned in the IL thread) and then going out to dinner afterward. If you're not doing anything and feel like hangin', it would be awesome to have you with us! :pibo:

Wow. How huge. Hang in there Vgg. I'll be thinking good thoughts for you.

:(

The Rev

Aw bummer. All those times I joked about you dumping him to go out with me and now no matter how hard I try I just can't be happy about it. :-/

Part of me wants to take my kitties, my clothes and just get the heck out, but that's not practical. That is me wanting to avoid any kind of confrontation. (Trust me I've already played the "leaving a note" scenario over and over in my head. But I can't do that)
I knew someone who did that. He didn't leave a note, one day him and his stuff was just gone. They never saw him again. (They being his girlfriend and roomate)

This seems liek a tough situation. I'm sorry you are going through this. :hug:

Add me to the list of "I was also in a 5-year relationship that ended" people. It was not easy, but my ex and I made it through it okay. In our specific case, the apartment was mine and she had moved into it some 7-8 years after I had gotten it so that wasn't much of an issue. Regarding the stuff, I just made times where I would be not home so she could get her things, go through drawers, etc., and not have to feel like I was there breathing down her neck. It took a few months after she moved out for us to be friendly again, but it happened in time.
I still feed/house/clean up after her cat, who is pretty much staying with me until she gets her own place.

It's hard, but it's worth the effort to keep things on good terms.
Good thoughts coming your direction, vggiegrl.

I agree with a lot of the advice here - be as generous as possible with the division of the things, particularly since you're the one who's leaving. They're just things, but the way you deal with them affects the emotional charge of the breakup.

With relationships, open communication, kindness, and time are the healers. It might be rough at first, but sometimes even after the roughest of breakups people can come back later and be friends (I know from experience). Good luck!

Thank you everyone who was kind enough to post your thoughts. I haven't been on here much to comment and wanted to pop on to say thanks.
I'm going home today for Mother's Day and to discuss some things with my parents.

Right now it's just a matter of builing up the courage.