So I got roped into going to dinner with a friend and some of his friends, one of which is a master manipulator, narcissist and a bit of a sadist (this is all the same person). Normally I would avoid such situations, but this is kinda different...anyway, I was wondering if anyone had advice about how to deal with such a person. I won't have to deal with him one-on-one, but I want to be prepared just in case...the is the sort of person who will bring up vegetarianism, or anything, really, and do his best to embarass the person he is speaking to. And he rarely comes across as an asshole, because he is so charming in the way that he insults people.

I considered faking "sick" to get out of this, or explaining that I can't stand to be in the same room as this person, but I'm thinking maybe this is something I will just have to suck up and go to. If I am being too vague, let me know and I'll give specific examples...I'm just..ugh...dreading this. :(

Since avoiding doesn't work, here's my suggestion which usually drives people crazy.
You look at the person, and don't say a word to him/her. Silence drives people crazy. For those that love to argue, they can't argue with you. For those that are dying to cut you short or make fun of what you said - they can't do that either.
If you can control not saying a word, but just stare and look away. This is the ultimate. This says to the person, you're not worth the air of my breathe to deal with you.
I hope you survive it.

If I am being too vague, let me know and I'll give specific examples...I'm just..ugh...dreading this. :(

Yes, if you can, give more details.

Yes, if you can, give more details.

It's sort of hard to explain...but back when I used to talk to him, he would often introduce me to people as "this is (my name), she's a vegetarian." Even though it made me uncomfortable and I told him so. Obviously I don't like dealing with any hostility that comes up with my diet when it is brought up with people I don't even know. And he would get people to gang up against me about it...I dunno, he is very strange...very obsessed with my not eating meat. He just says a lot of things that are inappropriate, like joking to his ex-girlfriend about her sex life, or making jokes about his buddy being a pediphile (he is not a pediphile tho!). More recently, he would introduce his (now ex) girlfriend to people and tell them all about how she cheated on him. :stinkeye:

He just...says a lot of things that are immature, inappropriate and embarassing to the person in question. I'm starting to think I should maybe just be blunt and call him out on it. And then give him the silent treatment as you suggested. Hm.m..I dunno. I just found out that not many others like him either, so I should be fine, I'll just have to be on my guard. Sigh.

I would just not go anywhere where this person is going to be. Tell the host how you feel.

I would just tell him to piss off with his stupid, rude and demeaning comments and to get a life. And then I would ignore him completely and utterly, even if he asks you to pass him the salt.

Yeah!

I feel a nut cruncher approaching... :junk:

he just wants attention, so don't give it to him. treat him the way you would treat a bratty child.

Give'em a noogie. :p

Or a wedgie would work too.

I would play his game. I know some people kind of like this, and the only way they get away with the crap they say is because no one ever stands up to them! Here's your chance! First of all, you have to be totally confident (but not edgy or rude) you want to be in complete control of your actions. I agree with looking him straight in the eye (even though it may be hard! I know it!) and don't break it. I guess it's a sort of animal "instinct" thing or whatever, it lets the person know you are challenging them. Try to act like he does (minus the rudeness) but you might have to be a little pushy. Trust me, people who are bullies are only hiding insecurities and even if it takes all night to get him to back off, it will be worth it! Don't necessarily single him out, but if he starts attacking you or someone, let him no how you feel and keep your voice as monotone as possible. This way if it causes a scene, he will most likely be the one getting angry and out of control, while you appear to be less that phased. I hope this helps! Good luck if you decide to go through with it!

Hahaha...some funny replies

well the host knows exactly how I feel, but it would be really awkward and troublesome for him to not extend the invite to him..sooo he kinda left it up to me. I don't think he would be too offended if I change my mind, but I don't want to not go because of one stupid person, you know? I feel like that would be like running with my tail between my legs, especially since this is just a one-time thing.

I have always really sucked at standing up for myself, so I guess that is why I'm nervous. I know I will have to. But at the same time I feel like I need to stand up to him, since I never really stood up to him (or anyone)before...except when I finally told him to f_ck off last year..hahaha...but that wasn't a social situation, so there was no 'audience' to deal with. I am really not that clever and can't think on my feet, so that is where I lose my confidence. I've been trying to stand up to people for the past while and I tend to either go overboard or not go far enough. It is hard to find a balance!

soo..I am trying to think up some comebacks in advance...any ideas?

ETA: I have thought of one so far, that can be used in reply to just about anything..."Would you do yourself a favour and stop embarassing yourself?"
how's that? :)

He seems very inmature. My thinking is, I like to be around people that are positive, uplifting, and good. I usually give people a couple chances. But if meaness and inmaturity is their core, I stay away.
Life is too precious to waste on unpleasant anything.
If he can get his friends to gang up on you on being vegetarian, then his friends are pretty mindless too.
I would hang out with like-minded people that can make my day instead of ruining it. Good luck.

He seems very inmature. My thinking is, I like to be around people that are positive, uplifting, and good. I usually give people a couple chances. But if meaness and inmaturity is their core, I stay away.
Life is too precious to waste on unpleasant anything.
If he can get his friends to gang up on you on being vegetarian, then his friends are pretty mindless too.
I would hang out with like-minded people that can make my day instead of ruining it. Good luck.

Yes, true. Thankfully none of the people there are friends of his (except the host...who doesn't want him there :confused:) I avoid people like this normally, but..I don't know. I was actually shocked to hear that he is going...it is a stupid situation. I think the host has issues with assertiveness too. :junk:

I would play his game. I know some people kind of like this, and the only way they get away with the crap they say is because no one ever stands up to them!

I totally agree. I found that just giving people like him the silent treatment doesn't work, they often intepret that as a sign of weakness and become even more annoying. It's best to come back with something.

The next time he introduces you as a vegetarian just ask him calmy and with a smile on your face why he feels the need to do that all the time. He'll probably say well, you are a vegetarian. Then you can say, well you often act like a d**khead, but I don't say to people 'everyone...this is John he's a d**khead'. :)

The next time he introduces you as a vegetarian just ask him calmy and with a smile on your face why he feels the need to do that all the time. He'll probably say well, you are a vegetarian. Then you can say, well you often act like a d**khead, but I don't say to people 'everyone...this is John he's a d**khead'. :)
:lol: Love it.

I would just tell him to piss off with his stupid, rude and demeaning comments and to get a life. And then I would ignore him completely and utterly, even if he asks you to pass him the salt.
Diana,
:wayne: :wayne: :wayne:
Go, Diana, go!

And if you can't do that, stay away from him. Your radar is going off for a good reason. Trust it.

I totally agree. I found that just giving people like him the silent treatment doesn't work, they often intepret that as a sign of weakness and become even more annoying. It's best to come back with something.

The next time he introduces you as a vegetarian just ask him calmy and with a smile on your face why he feels the need to do that all the time. He'll probably say well, you are a vegetarian. Then you can say, well you often act like a d**khead, but I don't say to people 'everyone...this is John he's a d**khead'. :)
Oh, Astro!
Take a bow, girl. That is just awesome.:lol: :lol: :lol:

I like astro's idea but if you do it, you have to be determined and not back off once you start. You have to have it in you to confront him. Otherwise, you just set yourself up.

I have firsthand experience with dealing with narcissistic personality disorder. I dated a man for two years and I always thought it was odd that he checked him self out in the mirror all the time, and bought designer clothes even on his meager salary. He thinks that he can do no wrong and that I was the one to blame for all of our problems. Meanwhile, I stayed faithful while he cheated on me several times. I always took him back because he was a wonderful manipulator and knew how to weave an intricate web of lies to make me believe him. Narcissists come across as having it together and appear very self-confident, but in fact the opposite is true. They are intensely afraid of being shamed and abandoned. They need their own fan club, and no matter what you do to make them feel loved, they need to be adored by everyone. I have come out of this very scarred and am currently in therapy to deal with the damage that has been caused.
My suggestion is to stay as far away from this person as you can. NPD is one of the hardest disorders to treat because most sufferers believe that they are okay and do not need therapy. Unfortunately, you cannot do anything to help and you will get hurt in the end.

If he brings up your diet at meeting a new person or during dinner just ask him why he is so worried about what you eat. I understand that there is soooo much more to the situation but at least this is my answer to a lot of people who make fun of my food choices. Well, and this is what I tell my daughter to say to her friends when they make fun of her food at lunch and it finally stopped. This guy sounds childish, maybe it'll work on him:D

Just an update if anyone is interested...dinner was fine tonight. he didn't act like too much of an ass, at least not that I am aware of since I sat at the other end of the table and talked to other people most of the night. Plus I had some drinks so I forget the things that did happen, but he wasn't too much of an ass to me. I did a good job making it clear what my boundaries were, which is why I think it went alright. Anyway I am in a happy mood and glad I went, cuz it means I don't have to run away from idiots. I can deal with anything! Thanks for the advice. I will keep it all in mind for future reference (tho hopefully I won't need to use it!) :)

PS:
<-------------- tipsy :)

im glad dinner went well.... its not fun to have to deal with people like that

So I got roped into going to dinner with a friend and some of his friends, one of which is a master manipulator, narcissist and a bit of a sadist (this is all the same person). Normally I would avoid such situations, but this is kinda different...anyway, I was wondering if anyone had advice about how to deal with such a person. I won't have to deal with him one-on-one, but I want to be prepared just in case...the is the sort of person who will bring up vegetarianism, or anything, really, and do his best to embarass the person he is speaking to. And he rarely comes across as an asshole, because he is so charming in the way that he insults people.

I considered faking "sick" to get out of this, or explaining that I can't stand to be in the same room as this person, but I'm thinking maybe this is something I will just have to suck up and go to. If I am being too vague, let me know and I'll give specific examples...I'm just..ugh...dreading this. :(

Funny you should ask, but I was RAISED by a narcissistic manipulator, so I consider myself to be an expert on them. ;)

The bottom line is, people who play these games are insecure. If you call them on their sh*t, they will shut up. Every time. They may seem slick, because they are being hostile in subtle ways, but the truth is, they're not doing it because they're slick, but rather, to give them plausible deniability vis-a-vis being an a$$hole.

Next time the guy tries to embarass you by bringing up something about you, just ask him straight out, "Why are you trying to make me feel embarassed about being a vegetarian?" or whatever subject he's picking at you with. He will probably deny it, say something like, "Don't be so sensitive" or even get hostile (a sure sign of feeling threatened; think "fight or flight response"). Just stand your ground. It's simple enough to say, "I don't like the way you're making me feel, and I'd like you to drop the subject."

You don't have to hide the fact that your feelings are hurt, or affect a false sense of strength or control. You just have to call them on their crap, and they'll back down. They're just the "grown-up" version of schoolyard bullies, covering up their own insecurity by attacking others. Remember that they're scared, and you'll be fine.

Good luck with this guy.

:D

The Rev

My goodness let somebody be like that to me. Hahaha. Girl, when people do that to me, I play like I never heard them. Sometimes if I catch myself getting angry, I will look at them without saying anything, and just think first, and walk off. I just feel that sometimes not saying anything is the best thing to do. If you up your mouth, you will more than likely give them a piece of your mind. Hahaha. Lawd ham mercy. Oh my goodness, girl I know how ya feel. Oh and do you have to sit beside this person? Sometimes I will not even sit beside them.

I'm not for mess ok. You needs to take that on outside of the bulidinggggg, and drive yourself home to do that junk. Then come back to the table when you feel you have gotten all the rude comments and stuff out. Hahaha ok.

Yeah, many time the person is really afraid of you live The Rev said. They are cowards. When I was in high school there were these 2 guys that use to bully me. I couldn't stand it. I didn't like to go to school. I wanted tell me mother please mom, don't like me go back please (that was back in the 7th grade. I'm 27 now). So I believe one day, I got feed up with the mess. They started bulling me, I stood up in the class, no it was outside of the school, and louded out on them. I was like, WHY ARE YOU MESSIN WITH ME. WHAT DID I DO TO YOU. YOU BETTER STOP OR I'M GONNA BEAT YOUR BLANK BLANK BLANK. I was ready to flight them. Haha I was gonna get them. I didn't do it from then on. Cowards. :)


One guy ues to make fun of my last name because it sounded like Pig, but it's not Pig it's Peg (my last name starts with Peg). He was like, Monika (pig snorting) Peg***. Over and over again, and you know with me being overweight, :( he was calling me a pig and stuff, well now that I look at it pigs are all cute and stuff so. :) So one day he said it, and I pretended like I didn't hear him. I didn't even give him the satisfaction. I just turned my head and countinued to walk to my class. He didn't mess with me anymore when I started doing that :)


Monika