so, here's the problem.

i love my husband. soooo much. he's my best friend, my lover, my shoulder to cry on, my video game buddy--pretty much everything you could want in a husband.

before we got married, we agreed that i will be the breadwinner and he will stay home with the kids. he has more patience, and he's very adaptable. i am more high strung, and get bored easily. plus he's a teacher, and i'm going to be a physical therapist when im outta school, so i'll just be making a lot more money than he makes. it just makes sense for us to do things this way.

so, last night i said something about raising kids, and he said, "well, i'm going to be raising the kids," which got me thinking. i know i'll be spending every moment i can with our children, but he will inevitably spend more time with them. which means his morals/beliefs will be the ones their most exposed to. and he and i are complete opposites. he's more concerned with income and the economy than he is with doing what you can for other people. im the type of person who will give a homeless person my last dime if it means i can help others. he's got a very "republican" way of thinking, and i hate it. he refuses to see the unearned priveleges he gets just from being born a male in a white, upper middle class family. even our reasons for being veg*n are different (his is the environment, mine's animal rights). it's never really been a problem, though, aside from the occasional heated political debate. i never thought of the fact that because he's going to be the one staying home, his values will most likely be the ones our kids grow up with. i find that really disturbing.

so, i guess what i want to know is, are any of you married to your complete opposite? how does that play a role in raising kids? how do you compromise?

I think it's important for you to take the time to teach the kids your ideals since they will be mostly subjected to his. I don't think that by being around your husband more will necessarily make them more like him. The kids will see how you, him and others handle situations and will choose what they feel comfortable with. The important thing is to teach them individuality. The kids will see how much you and your husband love each other and loving people regardless of slight differences is most important. Individuality is key.

If this is a concern of yours you need to talk about all aspects of this before you decide to have children. Better to have the awkward uncomfortable conversation now than to get some suprises down the road when the kids are already there.

If this is a concern of yours you need to talk about all aspects of this before you decide to have children. Better to have the awkward uncomfortable conversation now than to get some suprises down the road when the kids are already there.
Agreed.

To be honest, those beliefs aren't the ones that will most likely "get in the way" when you're raising kids. It'll be discipline, home finances and/or religion as the top 3. I'm pretty liberal, a registered democrat, etc etc. My husband is a conservative republican. This really doesn't mean a fig in regards to our child rearing though we agree to never ever talk politics at home. My husband was born and raised Roman Catholic and I was, well, not basically but this isn't an issue only because he doesn't necessarily feel aligned with the church any longer. I could see it being an issue if he did and I didn't want the kids there. I was strongly opposed to corporal punishment and he really wasn't but we talked about it long before kids came along and he agreed to "try it out" my way and is now happy he did.
Are you planning on homeschooling? If not, I don't see how your husbands views will have an impact on children under 5. They are very grown up things, way too much so for a preschool aged child. By the time they can discern the difference in your views and your husbands, they'll be capable of making up their own minds.
In a way I see it as a plus when two people have differing views but still share a strong marriage. Not only does it give children two different outlooks to consider but it also shows how two people with different beliefs can still get along together and build a life. Tolerance, in a way, which is a major gift to give a child.
I think you should just make sure your husband and you agree to never bash the others views to your children. Respectfully disagree and agree to give your children the gifts of both your views without prejudice. You'll all be better for it. :)
Mary

Well, some people can make it work I'm sure, but I couldn't. My first husband was my complete opposite. Sometimes I wonder how we ended up together. Once we added a child to the mix, it fell apart.

Now I'm married to someone with the same values, beliefs, likes and dislikes and it's a lot easier and more fun.

I agree with the above posters that say you should sit down and talk about this with your husband before having children. Maybe sit down with a counselor?

Freebird I really wouldnt worry about it. I was raised mostly by my mum, but my dad was home everyday and I was brought up with both of their different opinions, neither of which I agree with. Personally I believe you simply teach your children as many different viewpoints as possible and allow them to grow and learn for themselves. My views on almost everything are so far from my parents its bizarre. By giving them the opportunity to evaluate different views you teach them openmindedness. Hope that makes sense.

maybe you can agree to not expose your children to you or your husbands beliefs, instead maybe have a "youre your own person" talk and let them decide for themselves?

Just keep in mind no matter what happens that kids are completely rebellious, even with both my parents, and my sister! imposing all their beliefs on me and my brothers we all turned out completely different. Just keep reminding your kids as they get older that they are their own person.

my wife and I are complete opposites on our political views, but we sit and talk about family issues and try to work things out. Make sure that you do a lot of talking to each other

no.

they dotn work - you have to have mutual interests/beliefs otherwise you will have to get into arguments, etc. n ot fun.

long term - in my opinion - it wont last "happily"

how large do politics really loom in the equation?
My views are. . .odd.

ebola

I believe if that is your only difference, you can overcome that by teaching your values every second you are with your children. I thought my sons were turning into "clones" of my beliefs because their father's hours were so long and they weren't with him as much, but thank goodness I was wrong. They absorbed all of his good points, because they watched him, listened to him, learned from him. Some of their best qualities come from him through osmosis.

The working parent is still an integral part of children's lives. Just because my mother stayed at home, I didn't always believe in her way of thinking and found that I agreed a lot with my dad's views.

I am my dad and my mom. Meaning, I see both my dad and my mom in me. They were totally different people. My mom raised us. Actually, my grandmom was in that role a lot too. So I don't think only your husband's beliefs will be passed on to the children.
What I did read from your posting is that there are some things that really bother you about him. Maybe you want to work those differences out. Because, surely, the kids will pick up vibes from the parents' interaction or disagreements.

I think you'll be surprised how much your kids will know you and your convictions, despite you not being there during the day. I wouldn't worry about it too much but it's always a good idea to discuss these issues before you have kids. Maybe you and your husband could come to some agreements about what they'll be exposed to, especially as very young children.
My Dad worked all through my childhood but I never felt like I didn't know him or what he was about. You'll probably find that your kids are really keen to spend time with you when you are home, seeing as how you're not always there.

I'm dating someone who is very similar to me in may ways. it is working so much better than dating my opposite.

/arrogance

she has to be smart (whatever that is).

ebola

well, i think that as long as you show each other RESPECT, then there is nothing wrong, at all, with your children knowing that you don't agree on politics...it could be a great environment to grow up in--getting different views from people the children trust and respect...

hi there sweetie, i have been in an interacial relationship for four years now. we are married, we're both british but my i'm white and his parents are nigerian. i relate to your relationship as we are culturally different but essentialy so close that sometimes i forget as we have the same goals, beleifs etc. when we have children i want them to be influenced by both our personalities as we both have lots to give in different ways. even though you wont be spending all day with your children you will still have a huge influence on their outlook on life. they may turn out to be money-wise but still generous of spirit! good luck!

20 20 had an interesting piece on this last week. Apparently, according to 'statistics', opposites may attract, but then attack. Long lasting relationships are mostly obtained by those who are similar in nature/interests.

20 20 had an interesting piece on this last week. Apparently, according to 'statistics', opposites may attract, but then attack. Long lasting relationships are mostly obtained by those who are similar in nature/interests.

i fully agree with this.

i fully agree with this.

I think love is too varied for statistics. :)
I've known people who were together all their adult lives and credit it to being very similar and then there is my husband and I. We could barely be more different and we're the better for it.
I think if you have an "extreme" personality (very talkative, control orientated, very quiet, etc) you do better with someone who is the opposite of that. Then you play up each other's weaknesses without competing for the strengths. I'm chatty, argumentative, impulsive and shy. My husband is quiet, reserved, laid back and pretty outgoing. It works out great with us because we sort of cancel each other's extreme behaviors out. It can be a source of frustration but have you ever seen two control freaks trying to live together? :help:
I think it depends on the people. Period.
Mary

Yeah, it definitely depends on the couple. It was just an interesting show. They tried to debunk a bunch of beliefs, like elephants are actually not afraid of mice, price gouging is a good thing, foreign aide will not cure poverty, red cars do not get pulled over and ticketed more than other colors, stuff like that. So the opposites attract was thrown in there and I thought of this thread.

I think love is too varied for statistics. :)

i just meant for myself. i agree that statistics are not the "be all, end all" :)