So, I've been paying to see a trainer at my gym and have been seeing him for over 5 months now. When we meet, we chat about everything under the sun, often to the detriment of our workouts--occasionally he works out with me, not just spotting me--and know a lot about each other's lives and jobs. He's invited me to hang out with him and his wife and their friends a couple of times, though I've not been free to do so yet, since I've had schoolwork to catch up on.

One of my friends mentioned today that the only reason he's nice to me is because I pay him (as my trainer). She said she could "tell" after seeing us together because he was nicer to me (who pays him) vs her (who doesn't). Now, that doesn't make sense, does it? I mean, he knows me and he doesn't know her--of course he'll be nicer to me!

Anyway, certainly he and I started talking because he was my trainer, but I have started to think of him as a friend. Other than switching to a different trainer or cancelling our sessions, how would I find out if he's 'faking' interest or not?

And, should it even bother me if he's friendly 'cause it's his job to keep me happy? I mean, when I was a server, I was nice to a lot of guys that I wasn't interested in, just to get tips---it was part of the job. However, sometimes that shallow attention turned into genuine friendship, which I'd assumed was happening here. But if it isn't, I shouldn't be upset if a married man who's in great shape (as opposed to my single somewhat squishy status) isn't interested in being my friend, right? But it DOES make me upset, somehow. Ugh, I can't believe I'm getting so worked up over all this!

For now, I would say don't listen to your friend and give your trainer the benefit of the doubt.

My opinion? He gets PAID to help you work out, not be your friend. He doesn't get paid to invite you to social gatherings or offer to do *anything with you outside the walls of the gym. I'm assuming you don't pay him more or extra for being friendly and that he won't be paid if you go out to dinner with him and his wife right? In which case he has no financial gain by hanging out with you outside of the gym. It sounds like your friend has sour grapes personally.
On the flip side, if he crosses the realm into friendship you may want to consider finding another trainer. Sometimes, not all the time, when people you pay for a service become friends with you it can put a tension on the business relationship. I've generally found it's easier to be friends with someone when the business stuff isn't in the way. If he's employed by the gym and not directly by you it might not apply though. If you pay the gym for the extra service and the gym pays him a payroll check regardless of whether or not you take the extra service, it probably wouldn't be a source of tension. Just my .02.
Mary

as a trainer, I think his behavior is not so much unprofessional unless you're workout is suffering due to the chit chat and him working out with you.
Gyms are really casual places, without a lot of rules and regulations, so what is not appropriate in an office setting is quite fine in a gym, and expected.

I would not ask a client to a social outing unless I liked the person. some of my friends are former clients and take my fitness classes currently, and it's not like he asked you out alone ...

IMO most trainers are people persons lol and enjoy social interaction and making friends, so again, to ME i don't see anything inappropriate UNLESS he's dropping the ball as far as training is concerned.

while it usually takes me more than 5 months, many of my clients eventually become friends. often, we hang out after class and all that good stuff.

if i don't like a client as a person, i'll usually find a reason to not work with them and find a suitable replacement (usually another yoga teacher who is more like that client than i am). when i do like a client, it's easy for us to become friends and usually within a few months, we're doing more social things together--particularly if we're close in age.

I think this has a pretty simple answer. Him asking you to join him for dinner and meet his family should show you he is interested in the friendship too. Sure, its his job to be nice to you, to keep you motivated, to be friendly, but its not part of his job to ask you to meet his wife! Dont listen to your friend, shes just being silly.

Just agreeing with what others have said. He wouldn't invite you to non-work-related events if he didn't consider you a friend.

if he treats you different then other clients who also pay him then i say its a friendship

There is going to be a real problem if you guys start having sex... and you are still paying him... Cause, ya know...


(this was a Seinfeld episode involving a maid)

Maybe she is jealous. I would not worry about what she says

Maybe she is jealous.

This crossed my mind, but it's so strange--she's one of the most hardcore, high self esteem women I've ever met! But I think you're all right---he's a true friend. Even if I met him because I needed a trainer. :)

Maybe she is jealous. I would not worry about what she says

I was thinking she's probably jealous too.

Well I treat my friends different from people who aren't my friends and much to my wallets detrement, none of these parties offer me money at all. :P I think in a situation like this, you can both have a professional and a personal relationship. I used to catsit for a friend of mine, and she'd pay me (even though I said she didn't have to) because my other catsitting clients paid me. That didn't mean she was any less of my friend!

There is going to be a real problem if you guys start having sex... and you are still paying him... Cause, ya know...

:D



orig. posted by Delicgrape
Him asking you to join him for dinner and meet his family should show you he is interested in the friendship too.

Sure, that's just a cover to fool his wife into thinking he doesn't have the hots for her!

j/k :)

Maybe its alike if you go to restaurant and talk to a waitress. And my dad tells me to say something to make a waitres laugh so she can come back to our house later.

Who care what he thinks? What do you think?
What's your motivation in looking for friendship in your trainer?
My hairdresser, who I have been going to for 4 years now, is my friend. She is not the hang out with type of friend. But boy, do we talk about everything. I pay her. But I don't think she remembers the stuff about me because she gets pay. It's because she is concerned about me as a person. And she likes me as a good client. I help her out too when she has problems or questions too. I don't help her because I am afraid she'll mess up my head or something if I don't help her. I do it because I appreciate having her in my life. But like I said, we don't hang out and we have no other expectations from each other. I guess, my example is less complicated. There is no sexual attraction there.
I think what works for friendship is that the mutual expectations are the same.