Forgivable or not?

[deb9017]

I really need help. I am just sick over what happened this afternoon. My husband and I were both leaving the house at the same time. I was going to work and he was going to pick up our two older children from school. He had put our two youngest (ages 2 and 3 ) into his truck and was fixing to close the back door when I saw him slap my 3 year old on his face. I have never seen this man do anything even a little out of line, and he has been a wonderful father. But I do not think slapping a three year old is okay. He did it because they both had a piece of candy and the older one took the younger ones candy. My 3 year old is very hyper and hard to manage, and is very mean to his younger brother. I guess maybe hubby had just had enough and snapped. But I am realy torn up about this. I dont know what to do...

can someone help me??

[Michael]

I think you need to talk to him about it.

[deb9017]

I tried to but I was really upset and time was short. We have been having a lot of problems anyway and I just told him to pack his things and get out. I really love him but I am just not sure about this

[taurushead]

hmm. yeah that would bother me a little. talk to him though. its a forgiveable thing but something you probably want to prevent happening i guess? i dont know. thats really tough. im sorry you have to deal with that!

[GOPVeggie]

The guy has an anger problem. Slapping a child is abuse. No matter how "wild" a kid is, it's inappropriate, there's no justification, and it's illegal. More has likely happened that you haven't seen. Protect your child. Your fears are just. You surely don't want your children to live in fear, and believe me, they will and maybe already do in such a situation. People with these sorts of anger problems are versed at hiding it and keep things pretty low key and under cover, but the effects will last a lifetime.

[bstutzma]

I think you need to talk to him. You have no idea what motivated him. Obviously, hitting a child is wrong, but my guess is that your husband was hit as a child, and this came out completely by accident. More than likely he feels terrible about it and doesn't know how to deal with his feelings.

[deb9017]

He was physically and verbally abused as a child. I was afraid when we had kids what would happen, but he has been a wonderful father. I have four kids, and the three year old is unbelievably difficult. But my husband has always been so patient with him, and they do share a special bond. He cried all afternoon and has apoligized profusely. I am really sad about the whole thing.

[astro]

Have a long talk with him when you're not so upset. This might not have been the first time he's done this, especially if he was abused as a child. He'd probably benefit from some counselling/anger management for sure.

[MaryC1999]

I agree you have to talk to him.
Everyone loses their patience. He might even know what he did is unacceptable and he screwed up. If this was happening a lot I would be leery but if it's the only time it's happened in three years maybe he could have the benefit of the doubt. You won't know until you have a long talk with him.
It's worthy to know that after a divorce he'll more than likely get joint custody or at least overnight stays and visits. You're not solving anything by kicking him out and leaving him.
Talk to him. Work out a way for him to signal to you that he needs a few minutes when he's with the kids. One of mine is hyperactive and sometimes he's just a little more than my husband can take. That's why there's two of us parents around!
Mary

[Kiz]

The guy has an anger problem. Slapping a child is abuse. .

It's not always child abuse, no. Though if the OP has a major problem with it and the father of her children does it she surely needs to talk to him about it though. Just coming out with "slapping is child abuse" is ignorant. A lot of people were brought up that way and still are.

[Gita]

Hitting kids is not illegal. Hitting a child does not mean there is "something more going on" or that you will need to endure a lifetime of abuse. It just means the husband freaked out for a moment. Hitting them on the face is not a great idea. The butt is better. You should still talk to your husband. Parents are under a lot of stress, but an argument about candy shouldn't set him off, so he might be having some issues-- at work or where-ever. 3 year olds are naturally pushy, grabby and selfish-- it is a phase really. For them to see the husband react with violence is not a great idea because they might follow his example-- that is something that needs to be nipped in the bud quickly. I think the children should be talked to as well and told to be nicer to each other.

[skanky]

Just coming out with "slapping is child abuse" is ignorant. A lot of people were brought up that way and still are.

Yeah, that justifies it. Keep your head in the sand.

[Kiz]

I agree totally Skanky. Keeping your head in the sand about the way other people bring up their children and jumping to conclusions based on your own narrow little upbringing completely justifies slandering people by calling them abusers. :rolleyes:

[skanky]

yikes

[deb9017]

I appreciate all of your replies. Ifeel a little better about this today, as we have talked and he is genuinely sick over what he did. I absolutely do not believe that he has never done this before, and I dont think it will happen again. He spent all afternoon crying and apologizing to us both. I think that he is going to seek counseling for this and some other issues. I really appreciate those of you who tried to help without being judgemental! You have no idea how much it means to me.

[thebelovedtree]

I know I'm a little late, but in my family there was definately a chain of abuse and I can sympathise with your husband trying to overcome it. I don't have any children, but it is certainly hard for me, especially with my boyfriend not to turn into my mother (which would be incredibly distructive to our relationship).

If this is one isolated incident and he is willing to work very hard to fix it then I don't see any reason to kick him out, but if he is going to make a habit of things like this then by all means get out before your kids grow up and make another abusive generation.

About custody, if you do have to divorce try to make sure you have as much control as possible when the kids are with him, make sure they have a way to contact you that doesn't involve him. My mom is crazy and bitchy but she would never do some of the crap my dad put my sister and I through when we were in his care (like being wresteled to the ground in the mud and hit because I asked why they were repainting all the white walls in the house white again, or having his girlfriend threaten to drop us off in the middle of the night in a bad part of town because they were having a fight). My dad always made sure we couldn't call our mom to come and get us if he did something out of line.

[zoebird]

i wuold recommend that you talk to him, that you consider both independent and marriage councelling, and see if it is forgiveable.

there are people in the world who abused kids/partners, and then through councelling were able to stop doing it (move out of the behavoirs) AND were able to repair relationships with the families. but, it's up to you.

[Morna]

I agree counseling would be a great idea. Being abused as a child gives you a LOT of issues that WILL come out in your parenting if they aren't resolved. A skilled therapist is the guide down a difficult but nessasary road. It's possible to find your way without one, but with a guide, you get through a lot faster. Also, every relationship is a two-way street. Marriage counseling could help you sort out the other issues and set you up for a lifetime of happiness together, which will make sure your kids grow into healthy, confident adults.

If you do get counseling, make sure your therapist has the right credentials and is sympathetic to your values.

[astro]

Just coming out with "slapping is child abuse" is ignorant. A lot of people were brought up that way and still are.

Actually Kiz, it isn't ignorant to say that, at least in our country. It happens to be in keeping with the Australian Government Guidelines on child mal-treatment. Child abuse covers four main areas - sexual, physical, neglect and emotional treatment. The guidelines say physically abusive behaviours include:

slapping
hitting
shoving
shaking
throwing
punching
biting
burning
kicking

If anyone is reported to be doing any of those to a child, they might certainly find themselves in court at the discretion of the police.

[Kiz]

No, if you'd been listening what I'm saying is ignorant is the immediate assumption that any form of slapping immediately means child abuse. It does not. Slapping a kid on the butt, over their clothing, is not necessarily child abuse. It's rude and offensive to declare that such behaviour from my mother (for example) means she was a child abuser.

[astro]

No, if you'd been listening what I'm saying is ignorant is the immediate assumption that any form of slapping immediately means child abuse. It does not. Slapping a kid on the butt, over their clothing, is not necessarily child abuse. It's rude and offensive to declare that such behaviour from my mother (for example) means she was a child abuser.

Well you can argue otherwise all you like but slapping is a form of child abuse. Just last year as part of my job, I reported a father who I witnessed was regularly slapping a child lightly around the ear. The case went to court and he ended up being fined. Obviously not every case of slapping a child is going to be reported to the police or end up in court, but it can happen, so thesedays parents should think before they slap!

[Kiz]

No, it's not. I was verbally, mentally, emotionally and very occasionally physically abused by my father. My mother sometimes, but not often, swatted me on the butt. She was not abusing me. There is a world of difference, more than you seem to be able to comrehend, and to say the two are just the same is ignorant and offenseive.

[astro]

No, it's not. I was verbally, mentally, emotionally and very occasionally physically abused by my father. My mother sometimes, but not often, swatted me on the butt. She was not abusing me. There is a world of difference, more than you seem to be able to comrehend, and to say the two are just the same is ignorant and offenseive.

You're really not getting it Kiz are ya?!! :)

I'm not trying to say your two examples are the same in severity. But they are BOTH covered under the current law as possible child abuse. I don't make up the law, I just do my job by it.

[Kiz]

I do get it. "Possible" is the key word. Of course slapping and spanking are possible forms of child abuse. I'm just more bugged at the people who say any slapping is child abuse.

[astro]

I do get it. "Possible" is the key word. Of course slapping and spanking are possible forms of child abuse. I'm just more bugged at the people who say any slapping is child abuse.

I can understand you being bugged about it because it's been acceptable to do this to children for so long, but it isn't really any more.

Put it this way, if you have a conflict with an adult or they don't behave in a way that you expect them to and you try to deal with it by slapping them on the bum, across the cheek or around the head, most people would say that is the wrong way to go about things...you can be labelled as an abuser or possibly charged with assault.

But for some reason people think that it's ok to resolve conflict with a child in that way. But child advocates now believe that its not ok and that children are having their rights abused. If you can't do it to an adult you shouldn't be allowed to do it to a child. :-/