I figured this is the appropriate place to post this, and though I don't normally post about personal matters on the internet, I figure maybe someone has had a similar situation.

I married my husband when I was 22 and after we already had my daughter. Before meeting him, I was just ending a four year relationship with heroin. So I really did not have much-if any- time to figure out who I am or anything else before I met him and got pregnant. I also am bipolar and have really struggled with that four MANY years.
Anyways, fast forward to the present- we have two BEAUTIFUL kids, and have been married going on 4 years now. I think I finally have my bipolar under control and I quit smoking, went back to my goal of becoming vegan, and I feel like things are falling into place. I feel like I am finally figuring out who I am and who I want to be.
The problem? My husband is totally going in an opposite direction as me. We have almost no similar interests, and he has been increasingly negative and miserable (in part, due to his job in the IT field) but it is taking its toll on my mental health and even our children. It is like you can feel the negative energy when he walks through the door. He makes comments to his friends about how he is "on a short leash" and he can't get out of the house, and is only plesant when he smokes weed. Of course I know that smoking weed is only making him worse, but I can't force him to stop.
He is turning 30 this month and for some reason, that is really bothering him.
I have tried to discuss things with him, but I get nowhere.
I know that I have made and am still making a lot of changes in my life, but he wants nothing to do with them. I just wonder how are we supposed to stay together in the long run if we have different ideas for our future?
I am not even sure if I even feel attracted to him anymore in light of all of this...:-/

When I was married to my ex, I got clean and he didn't. He acted very similar to your husband. He felt like he lost his drinking/drugging buddy. I know you were clean before you married your husband, but you are changing for the better, and he seems to be regressing. He probably feels threatened.

Most relationships change when one spouse changes their lifestyle drastically.

I'm bi polar too, and that is a bitch! I really commend you for making your life so positive.

Have you and your husband tried marriage counseling? If he's willing, maybe that would help. If he's not willing, and he continues to bring you down, maybe you should tell him to hit the road. You and the kids don't need to be exposed to negativity like that.

I wish you all of the best. :hug:

Thanks for responding, catgirl67. We have talked about marriage counseling in the past, but his insurance does not cover it, of course.
However he is willing to go check out the UU church with me, and maybe if we like it and all, they will have something there? We'll see...

Hey neighbor! I am fromthe Lehigh Valley also :)
Well, your situation is a tough one. To get to the point quickly it sounds like you may just have to make a decision.
My wife and I have done everything together including drinking (heavily) and drugs. Some very strong ones! I was a very heavy drinker and carried on my ridiculous teenage drinking years into my life as a father and husband.
My brother was killed in a drinking and driving accident adn then the drinking, drugs and pot smoking GOT WORSE! After about 2 years of that (I was only 23) I REALLY looked at my familty and realized if I did not change my kids will only turn out like me and lose me to this ridiculous disease.
My FRIENDS..HUH! When I went cold turkey and stopped everything overnight, I no longer had friends. We are talking about BEST friends and relatives..EVEN my own familiy thought there was quote, "Something wrong with me!", because I now dedicated myself to my family. That is what life is about when you have a wife and kids (or husband). If you cannot get away from pleasing your friends then you (he) has to make a decision.
The family or friends is how he should look at it and how you should look at it.
Trust me, is he stops doing things with his friends he will see how great of friends they were.

Maybe you can start by asking him to put away 2-3 nights a week just for you and the kids. Go to the park, play games, throw ball in the back yard, play tag ..lots to do! Eventually that will lead to more nights with you :)

Good Luck!

Don't be afraid to go to Vegan Treats to relieve some stress! :)

Your husband sounds like he might be pretty depressed. Maybe he's just feeling a bit suffocated by work and family committments perhaps? Is there a possibility you do keep him on a short leash or do you think he's just whining because family life isnt what he thought it would be like?

Thanks for responding, catgirl67. We have talked about marriage counseling in the past, but his insurance does not cover it, of course.
However he is willing to go check out the UU church with me, and maybe if we like it and all, they will have something there? We'll see...
Most churches offer counseling either free or on a sliding scale. Maybe the two of you will meet new friends there. Sometimes a different set of friends does a world of good! I'm not suggesting that you ditch your current friends at all, just add new people to your life.

My husband does not get out much with out me or the kids, and I really never do. We do go out together maybe twice a month without the kids, usually to shows- in fact we are going to see a band tomorrow night.
I think the reason neither of us really goes out is partly because I work two nights a week (mostly to stay sane) and if either of us has an opportunity to go out with friends, we feel guilty. I know that in past conversations, he has said he feels bad becuase I dont go out, and vice versa. I personally don't have many friends, and the few I have have families too and therefore, I stay home.

I am actually taking the kids and meeting him for lunch right now. I appreciate the responses.
I love my husband and cannot imagine my life without him in it. I hate the distance between us lately, and think part of it is me. But, I want to better myself and I am not going to stop because of him.

I hope this makes sense- I am rushed. sorry :o

It makes perfect sense. :)

I think letting him know its okay for him to occasionally go out with his friends would help a lot. Men usually get the various kinds of social support needed from many sources and women usually try to get it from just one person. If he's stressed about work and family life it would be good for him to have some social activites away for those stressors. He also maybe reevaluating his own activites and choices since you've changed yours. Also, it's not counseling, but group therpy is usually free there maybe something in your area that may help one or both of you.

maybe he's depressed? depressed men often don't walk around acting sad, but instead are quick to get agry...that's how my depression emerges

if he's not depressed he may have some other issues he needs to take care of.

tell him what my wife told me: "i want you to fix yourself, get some happy pills, whatever just fix it." she didn't have to threaten me with leaving me or anything that drastic, but i immediately agreed with her that my presence was too volcanic to excuse, and that our daughters shouldn't have to live with the anxiety of waiting for me to errupt. She's made me an appointment with a physician to get a physical and talk about depression. I'm hoping he'll just prescribe pills, as the whole idea of pshycobabble sessions really does not appeal to me, but i'll do that too if i absolutely have too. She was kinda smart though to sell me the idea based on 'getting some happy pills' because she knows i would have been very resistant to sessions, and have always had a love affair with drugs. :p

Either way i will fix myself, for my wife, my daughters, and myself. Life's too damned short to walk around with this negative pall over everything. I have a good life, but i need to adjust my outlook.

I don't know if the chemicals come before the action, but i suspect that i've slowly just evolved a bunch of negative mental habits, and they've slowly increased over the years. Antidepressants may give me just the perception shift i need to start to develop some nicer mental patterns of thought. Rigorous self-examination and conscious correction are essential for a long-term solution, but the chemicals may give me a bit of a head start.

oh yeah...the weed thing...my wife has bought weed from her brother before for me because she says it makes me so nice. And all this has really come to a head since i stopped smoking it, and decided not to buy any more. It sure was a nice stress relief for the both of us, but I didn't want to take all that cancer-causing smoke into my lungs every evening.

anyhow good luck.

>>It sure was a nice stress relief for the both of us, but I didn't want to take all that cancer-causing smoke into my lungs every evening.>>

Why not use a vaporizer or make brownies?

ebola

i think that your idea about marital councelling is a good one.

it's also important to consider that he's simply going through a tough time, and it will likely pass and get better.

a lot of people feel a great sense of 'anything is possible' in their lives in their 20s. they may dream of doing and becoming a lot of things. and when 30 comes, they see that maybe some of those dreams will not become realities because of the responsibilities that they have in their lives (which are good things to have--like wives, children, houses, and jobs). having these things--and needing to maintain them--makes it harder to run off with the circus if that was a life-long 'dream.'

a lot of people, though, they don't know who they are or what they want, and they see thirty as the first year of 'getting older.' it's really nutsy, but my husband and i have many friends over 30, in their thirties, who continually make comments to us about their knees, etc, and how they're 'well, getting older' when they are actually young, can work for any number of goals, and don't have to have ill health. But anyway, this mentality or idea is 'out there' and it can be a serious 'downer.'

so, maybe all he sees right now is life as an endless stream of chores: going to do a job he doesn't like 5 days a week for not-so-great pay (although IT does pay better than a lot of other jobs, but no matter what it pays, if it's not fulfilling, it's not enough); coming home to a family with kids who place their own demands (emotionally and otherwise) on both parents; coming to a house that needs to be cleaned, food cooked, laundry done; and then managing a marriage (which is an excellent thing to have, but sometimes takes work). And on top of all of this, not knowing what one can do to change it--what work would be fulfilling? who am i and how do i be that and father these kids? how do i really want to live (in regards to household, etc)?

these questions are hard to answer, because a lot of them sit on 'who am i and what do i want?" and a lot of people can't answer those questions. You are beginning to for yourself--which is all you can do--and that will impact him. it may seem like impacting him negatively, but he'll likely move through this and be inspired by your own personal work. I know that my husband was.

a few years ago, i started really working to become a yoga teacher. i loved teaching; i wanted to do it full time. I did the work (personal and professional) that i needed to do to make it happen. My husband was unhappy in his work, and i said, "if you want to do what you say you want to do, you better start working at it." and then he signed up for classes, started working, and now we're preparing to make the Big Move toward/into his new career.

it hasn't been easy. we hardly see each other--we both work really hard. we're tired a lot. sometimes cranky with each other. and sometimes very divergent in our personal interests. but this is a phase too--ultimately we're a team and we know that.

so, find your balance on the surf board and ride it out. :) all the best to you!

This may sound dumb, but if he could get into another profession, that would be good. IT is so incredibly stressful. My husband recently left it due to the stress and poor health, and the change has been incredible.

Thanks to all the replies! Zoebird, I really appreciate what you wrote and I have been thinking a lot of that myself. I believe that him turning 30, the stress at work, and then coming home to a lot of craziness sometimes is the reason for a lot of his behavior. BUT-maybe I am selfish or something- I have trouble having sympathy for him when I deal with the kids day and night, do all the cooking, cleaning, pay the bills, do the shopping, etc. I think that is just my own bitterness though, huh?
As for him changing his career, we have talked about it MANY times, and I have told him that I would be supportive. As long as he was happier, I do not care about the money. The thing is, he is obssesed with computers, on them all the time at home too, and he loves all his electronics way too much to give them up! I don't know. One way or another, I want to find a way to get counseling. In the past he has said that he would go. As for him going to therapy, he is willing to do that on his own also, it's just a matter of finding the time with his damn job. And as far as medication goes, he has seen my share of problems with finding the right medication and going through all the side effects, and is not too keen on the idea.

I really posted this to vent and get advice since I don't have many people to turn to. And as of the last few years when I started to educate myself and learning more about animal rights issues and enviornmental (as well as health) issues, I feel like I have changed a lot and it is almost kinda spiritual. And to not have my husband-my best friend- understand or care about things I have become passionate about is really hard. Of course, it is even more difficult when there are kids involved :(

And as far as medication goes, he has seen my share of problems with finding the right medication and going through all the side effects, and is not too keen on the idea.

gah!

i might just take gnome up on his vaporizer idea then...at least i know pot works, and the only side is me getting STOOPID...but i'm too smart anyway :p

Hey neighbor! I am fromthe Lehigh Valley also :)

Hey, I'm from the Lehigh Valley too!! (Anyone else having ridiculous allergies?)

To the OP - I don't really have anything to add that's specific to your marital situation, but I noticed you mentioned going to a UU church for help. Although I haven't been to any local UU churches, I did grow up going to one. If the one near you is anything like the one I went to, I would absolutely recommend it. The group at mine was very close-knit and the ministers we had were always incredibly open and helpful. It might be good for your husband too, if the two of you could get involved with a new social group.

Best wishes.

~Hannah

Zoebird, I really appreciate what you wrote and I have been thinking a lot of that myself.

i'm glad that you found it useful.

I believe that him turning 30, the stress at work, and then coming home to a lot of craziness sometimes is the reason for a lot of his behavior. BUT-maybe I am selfish or something- I have trouble having sympathy for him when I deal with the kids day and night, do all the cooking, cleaning, pay the bills, do the shopping, etc. I think that is just my own bitterness though, huh?

both jobs can be stressful. many people forget how hard it is to work at home--meaning to maintain a home with or without kids--and how your doing that actually takes care of a lot of stress in both of your lives. While it's true that you're both 'even-steven' on the amount of work that you do, stress that you endure, etc, if you have a different perspective and skill set to manage this stress better--and if he hasn't found them yet--then you do have a 'higher ground' from which to offer empathy and sympathy. it's ok to step out of your own stresses and say "i hear you; i understand that you're stressed." and reassure him and offer him support. Rather than saying "i'm stressed too!" that's a comparison game--and usually leads to an argument--whereas it's likely that he just wants to be heard, or wants the time to find a way to release some stress.

As for him changing his career, we have talked about it MANY times, and I have told him that I would be supportive. As long as he was happier, I do not care about the money. The thing is, he is obssesed with computers, on them all the time at home too, and he loves all his electronics way too much to give them up! I don't know.... it's just a matter of finding the time with his damn job.

it may be that he needs to talk to his employer about his work situation. the job may be the right field for him, but the job may not be the right configuration. If the hours are too long, it would benefit him to talk to his boss about needing help in his job, because the volumn has increased and he is starting to reach 'burn out.' If he finds the right language, he may be able to get an assistant and get the hours that he wants.

one of my friends works in IT and loves it. he's very good at his job. About a year ago, he realized that he was working a lot of overtime, but not getting any benefits from it (for example, his raise that year wasn't great, etc). He talked to his boss about taking on interns from the local community college. most of them worked with him for part of the day, and also would do the over-time work so that he could go home. This was a great solution, and ultimately one of those interns was hired as his assistant in IT.

Sometimes, just figuring out what the added stress at work is, and finding a reasonable way to relieve it (with the aid of others) and/or reconfigure the position can really make all the difference.

Re: Councelling and Meds

Meds may not be necessary; they aren't for everyone. This may be 'situational depression' which is bruoght on by certain things happening in one's life. usually, this form of depression doesn't call for meds, but sometimes they can. it just depends really. i can't diagnose it at all. But, he may be right to avoid them.

As far as councelling goes, if he can reconfigure his workdays or job situation, he'll likely find the time for marital councelling at least, as well as his own. many churches and independent councellors work on sliding scales or for free--so that may be helpful. Unitarian Universalist churches are very liberal, embracing all sorts of beliefs. so it may be the right place for you to check out.

And as of the last few years when I started to educate myself and learning more about animal rights issues and enviornmental (as well as health) issues, I feel like I have changed a lot and it is almost kinda spiritual. And to not have my husband-my best friend- understand or care about things I have become passionate about is really hard. Of course, it is even more difficult when there are kids involved :(

It could be that your husband is not in a space where he can understand and care about these things. If he is depressed and stressed out, this is very likely.

It could also be that your husband comes from the perspective that it's not necessary for him to care and understand these things that you do, but rather that he simply supports that you do them (by not trying to inhibit you while you do them).

to this second point, one of my friends is going through this. She was taught, as many women are, that when you care about someone, you show an interest in their interests. before she met her husband, she didn't give two craps about football. when she met him, she realized that he loved football--even had season tickets to the local professional team. so, she began to learn about football. He thought that she liked football and that this was a way that they 'related' or 'were buddies'--it's important for some men to have women with whom they can do recreational activities. But, for those men, those recreational activities have to be largely 'male oriented'--because most men are not taught that they have to take an active interest in and participate in the woman's interests and activities because those things are 'girly.' But, they are taught that they should support women taking time out to do these things, that they support her participation in the activity--but they will not participate themselves.

vegetarianism isn't traditionally considered a 'woman's thing' but because you're doing it, he may see it as 'your thing' and that his responsibiity to you--and his love for you--is shown by giving you the time and space to do it, supporting you in your efforts to do it, but not having to go beyond that at any level, including the simple level of understanding.

often, this is simply a cultural miscommunication. for a long time, my friend was frustrated that her husband wasn't interested in her changes and activities (that had spiritual significance to her). She felt that to demonstrate his love for her, he should be interested in them, understand them. Why? because this is how she demonstrates her love for him. She may have no interest in video games or football, but she'll show an interest because she thinks that showing an interest equals demonstrating your love for someone. She didn't realize that he equated supporting an interest (without participation or understanding) was demonstrating love, that participation wasn't necessary to demonstrate love.

Do you see what i mean? this aspect could really just be a cultural miscommunication. It could also be, as in the first instance, an issue that he's so bogged down with his own stuff, he's not able to see beyond it yet. And when he is, he will take an interest.

Does this help?

Hey, I'm from the Lehigh Valley too!! (Anyone else having ridiculous allergies?)

To the OP - I don't really have anything to add that's specific to your marital situation, but I noticed you mentioned going to a UU church for help. Although I haven't been to any local UU churches, I did grow up going to one. If the one near you is anything like the one I went to, I would absolutely recommend it. The group at mine was very close-knit and the ministers we had were always incredibly open and helpful. It might be good for your husband too, if the two of you could get involved with a new social group.

Best wishes.

~Hannah

Hi fellow LV person!

Be sure to check out the BEST gym in the valley :) (www.fitquestlv.com)
We have great rates for students!
ANyway..GO TO VEGAN TREATS AND DON'T WAIT!!!!!!!!

Hey hannahbanana! Have you ever been to the Lehigh Valley vegetarian group? It is mostly vegans there & they have a pot luck once a month. The food is great! :pibo:

Zoebird- Again, thank you. Your post makes a lot of sense and I appreciate you taking the time to respond. I have always thought in the past that you have such good advice on these boards :) And to add- you are totally right about the comparrison thing, I really have been trying to not do that sort of thing since I know I have a lot in the past. Also, since I wrote this post initally, my husband has gotten a review and a raise and has been a little less stressed at work. So it's a start. :D

review times can be very stressful in-and-of themselves. my husband has a great reputation for work at his job, he does well, and is well liked, but when review time comes around, he gets very angry, frustrated about work, anxious about his raises etc. once it's over, he settles down pretty quickly. he's also like that around tax time (and often forgets important elements).