Alright, so do you think that it is possible for an introverted person and an outgoing/extraverted person to happily date?

I ask because I am deeply introverted (I just have a few close friends, don't go to parties because they make me uncomfortable...etc) and lately I have been attracting extraverted guys. The first guy, I actually met him in October or something and he showed an obvious interest in me ever since I met him, pretty much. I don't talk to him often but I did like him....except I pushed him away and screwed up my chances. I think I felt intimidated by the fact that he is very outgoing, and I am not..and I worried that he wouldn't like me if he found out I'm not likethat? Err well I don't know. I'm not very secure about my introverted-ness when it comes to dating. I worry that a person like me wouldn't fit into their sort of life. :(

It's a big problem. Especially since I am sort of seeing a different guy now, who is also outgoing, of course. We've only been on one date but he wants to see me again. And I am uncertain about what I should do. I am tempted to make up some excuse and tell him to forget the whole thing. But maybe I shouldn't run away? I don't really know what to do. This is making me miserable. :(

I dont think it really matters whether you are introverted, extroverted or a mix of the two. If one person likes to party and the other one doesn't, it doesn't usually work out too well.

Partying is a big part of my lifestyle and I once tried to date a guy who was a lovely person, but didnt really like all that stuff. I stopped dating him pretty quickly because it was totally unworkable. He ended up either spending his weekends without me, or being with me and feeling uncomfortable with his surroundings, which wasn't much fun for either of us.

I tend to be drawn to extroverted guys because I feel like they're better able to balance my homebody tendencies. If I'm with another introverted person, it can lead to becoming isolated. Being introverted doesn't have to mean being anti-social. When I'm with someone who is outgoing I tend to end up in situations that push me a bit outside my comfort zone, which is often a good thing. I get to have experiences I might not otherwise if I just stayed in my shell. However, I also find situations with a lot of people exhausting and I need to spend time alone so I can recharge. I don't have a problem explaining that to someone I'm dating.

I think as long as you're upfront with the person you're with, and also willing to stretch a bit outside what is comfortable for you once in a while, it can work fine.

I tend to be drawn to extroverted guys because I feel like they're better able to balance my homebody tendencies. If I'm with another introverted person, it can lead to becoming isolated. Being introverted doesn't have to mean being anti-social. When I'm with someone who is outgoing I tend to end up in situations that push me a bit outside my comfort zone, which is often a good thing. I get to have experiences I might not otherwise if I just stayed in my shell. However, I also find situations with a lot of people exhausting and I need to spend time alone so I can recharge. I don't have a problem explaining that to someone I'm dating.

I think as long as you're upfront with the person you're with, and also willing to stretch a bit outside what is comfortable for you once in a while, it can work fine.

I can emphasise with a lot of this post. I'm not mega-introverted, but it takes me a while to warm to people and feel comfortable with them, whereas my boyfriend is really friendly and outgoing.

It can be hard at times, but as Blue Plastic Straw said, stepping out of your comfort zone can be a good thing- it can make you stronger.

I always think its a nice 'balance' thing too, a more introverted person with a more extroverted one.

I say go out with the boy. If you like him, don't make excuses.

Hi!

I can relate; I'm an introvert and have usually ended up with moderately extraverted lovers (perhaps because there are more extraverts around, or because when two introverts get together it's hard for either one to take the initiative!)

First, I'd encourage you to not see your introversion as a shortcoming that would make you less attractive. It's not! Just be candid about it. Let the other person know that you experience certain situations/activities as draining or unpleasant. There are probably still lots of things you can do together that both of you enjoy.

If you get to the point of actually marrying or living with someone, then there are further issues, because you are sharing the same space and may not be able to get away from the other person's extraverted energy when you need to. But if you are just dating, it should not be too hard to strike a balance.

The important thing is to be open and honest about your needs, and expect the same from him. What makes things go wrong is trying to fit into someone else's expectations without letting on that it's difficult for you.

Tom

Well, I am very introverted. I enjoy time to myself, have only a few close types of friends, and I like staying home a lot. My partner is very extroverted, and enjoys going to parties, concerts, etc. where I just am not always comfortable. I think we balance each other out- I move out of my comfort zone sometimes to go out with him and sometimes he stays home and I make a nice dinner... But we also agree that we don't always have to do everything together, and I think that works very well. So say I am going to have to work late and then I want to go home and relax, but he wants to hang out with his friends- that's cool. We just make sure that we get enough time together other times.

I think it can definitely work... it had better, haha. We've been together two years next month and are planning a wedding for September 2007. :D

Whoa! Congratulations! :)

Why thank you. :) I realized we hadn't made any sort of official post or anything and then I noticed that IamJen had picked up on my calling him my fiance in a pm from her. hehe...

I'm an introvert, and somehow all my friends and boyfriends have been extraverted. Its hard because they usually don't understand that sometimes you don't want to go out and socialize and that you need time to yourself. I think that because my friends are extraverts, it forces me to be more social, and I thank them for that.

Thanks for all the replies!

I've decided to be upfront with him about it next time I talk to him. I guess I just have a hard time getting over the idea that I am "supposed" to be a certain way. I've met so many people who don't understand introverts and who think something is "wrong" with us. Dealing with attitudes like that is tiring and really sucks! I remember in my personality psych class some loud girl ranted on about how much she hates quiet/introverted/shy people. I wanted to slap her and say that I would rather watch paint dry than be around a rude person like her, lol. I guess I try to avoid those sorts of "I hate quiet people" reactions as much as possible, but oh well I guess I'll see how this goes!

PS: congrats strawberry!

Maybe it's part of that "opposites attract" mentality. As BPS mentioned, maybe an introvert and and extrovert balance each other out. Two homebodies would drive each other crazy, and two party animals would always be exhausted. :D

I think what Seusomon said about not seeing it as a shortcoming is important too. I think it's easy for extroverted folk to see introversion as something you can "get over", rather than acknowledging that it's a valid part of one's personality.

There's a definite difference between my s.o. and myself in this area (I'll let you guess who the introvert is :kiss: ), but it's like any other difference. You're aware of it, and you work together. :)

and....(off topic) now I can say Congratulations! in a public way. lol

Hi!

I can relate; I'm an introvert and have usually ended up with moderately extraverted lovers (perhaps because there are more extraverts around, or because when two introverts get together it's hard for either one to take the initiative!)

First, I'd encourage you to not see your introversion as a shortcoming that would make you less attractive. It's not! Just be candid about it. Let the other person know that you experience certain situations/activities as draining or unpleasant. There are probably still lots of things you can do together that both of you enjoy.

If you get to the point of actually marrying or living with someone, then there are further issues, because you are sharing the same space and may not be able to get away from the other person's extraverted energy when you need to. But if you are just dating, it should not be too hard to strike a balance.

The important thing is to be open and honest about your needs, and expect the same from him. What makes things go wrong is trying to fit into someone else's expectations without letting on that it's difficult for you.

Tom

Hey...nice to see you back, Seusomon! :up:

>>Well, I am very introverted.>>

really?
You seemed rather extroverted (bordering on bubbly at times) to me. I guess I can't gauge people, eh?

ebola

I'm a bit of both--- retro-introverted I guess you'd call me--- that is extroverted too (even if by myself which is a lot of the time) and basicly
whenever I can get away with being loud or whatever I like and not give a f***, and bla bla bla, so IF only to a lessor times due to social
restrictions (self imposed or otherwise) then regardless yeah I remain in principle anyway having a extroverted side when I'm free not to care what other people think of me, because those people just don't matter to me for example~ Sucky neighbours for example who tend to believe I attention seeker TYPICAL MISCONCEPTION!!!...what a joke...

Anyway....More to the point in terms of me and my life is that I just don't mix any where near enough, soooo in other words I am being just me, a little extroverted, in situations mostly concerning just me by my introverted self if that makes sense, ie- no audience, apart from those who don't appreciate me or whom just don't like the noise... I like both noise and quiet, so if anything that makes me 'more or less normal' in my book, me appreciating both that is.

As for dating, I couldn't possibly comment, I'm sorry..... Dates are not me......(ROMANCE however is something I don't normally associate with dating btw, so I'm not all out against SOME of the appeal associated with dating per se, FYI, lol)

To reason, "why" partly, what is the end product of me as I am now, (sick as I am of it sometimes) of how in the end I tend to side with being introverted is due to largely my acceptance of the fact I don't socialize well, and as a result I have for years almost condemned and distanced myself from 'going out' socially - giving it a massive wide berth and evading it over the years, not that I was ever big on being social..... (ME, A STICK IN THE MUD?.. NO NOT REALLY) but my general point is it all seems like a moot thing in my circumstance anyway~ like a frivolous a waste of time~ and in a like vein I denounce dating too as a no go area in general, like when I go on 'date sites' I'll generally tick almost every box except dating, haha. I am not a party goer either...

.... If I lose out on OUTINGS
etc, I can just tell myself there are personal reasons why that is, and hope I can convince myself I'm NOT missing out, MAYBE, but thing is I don't mix well in many ways, as things can get a bit complex (Suffice to say I guess)....
I just do what I do finding friends ~typically for me not in groups~ and if a friendship were ever to become a date, the woman would understand my quirks by then and problems would not be so problematic, I hope, for my sakes, lol, but like I say who cares, a person either accepts or they don't is my opinion. Its fairly black & white that aspect IMO, ie~ there is understanding/acceptance, or there ain't....

[And by the way, if tolerance has to be spoken about, thats a whole other understanding not really subject to dating, at least not on the outset].

Your subject though is can introverts and extroverts ever realisticly ponder a relationship ultimately and this is where black & white lets loose and has a field day supposedly (colors/ borders potentially can merge I mean to say).... but you must be similar in some ways of course for things to work.... Do you think so Starblossom in your concerns think that?

As for the ever popular 'opposites attract' concept, that's a bit OTT for my liking, its a bit whack IMO.... so 'Opposites Attract' is MUCH more about "novelty" than practicality I think....(and ungainly compatibility, bleh!!!)

I'm introverted and prefer to date extroverted men. I used to be super shy and introverted, and by gaining self confidence and social skills, I've lost most of my shy tendencies. However, I'm still an introvert, which to me means that rather than getting all pumped up by spending lots of time with other people, I recharge when I'm allowed alone time. My extroverted friends are the opposite--they recharge when they're around people.

Don't worry about dating extroverts if you're shy---who wants to be shy, after all? No one! Extroverts might help you learn a bit about how to act in groups and gain confidence. And if you're still an introvert after that, that's okay and I think balances out the dating relationship. Both friendly and approachable, with one making sure you have quiet alone time, the other making sure you're not becoming a hermit. Balance. It's a beautiful thing.

i go back and forth between being an introvert and an extrovert so i can't really say :p

congratulations, strawberry! :love:

Your subject though is can introverts and extroverts ever realisticly ponder a relationship ultimately and this is where black & white lets loose and has a field day supposedly (colors/ borders potentially can merge I mean to say).... but you must be similar in some ways of course for things to work.... Do you think so Starblossom in your concerns think that?

I think it may not be a problem if we get along and are similar in other ways that are also important. I think that's a good point you make. I was sort of with an extravert once (unofficially) and it seemed to work out alright, as he would go see some friends while I would recharge by myself, then later we would do something together, either with just each other or with a few friends too. It really is a grey area I suppose!

veggiewriter: that's a good way of looking at it...balance is important :)

As for my current situation, I have no updates...exam time is NOT a convenient time to start dating...and then after my exams I have to switch apartments and so on..ughh..what bad timing! :dizzy:

I've decided to be upfront with him about it next time I talk to him. I guess I just have a hard time getting over the idea that I am "supposed" to be a certain way. I've met so many people who don't understand introverts and who think something is "wrong" with us. Dealing with attitudes like that is tiring and really sucks! I remember in my personality psych class some loud girl ranted on about how much she hates quiet/introverted/shy people. I wanted to slap her and say that I would rather watch paint dry than be around a rude person like her, lol. I guess I try to avoid those sorts of "I hate quiet people" reactions as much as possible, but oh well I guess I'll see how this goes!

I can totally relate. :mad: NO ONE wants to hire introverts either. I'm sorry, I can't change my personality. Also, I have usually dated people who are pretty introverted and homebodyish. I can't imagine dating someone who was dragging me out to parties all the time. I'd be miserable.

NO ONE wants to hire introverts either.

I disagree with you, CL! Don't confuse shyness or social ineptness with introversion--they are not synonymous. You can be wellspoken and friendly and still prefer to hang out with your own thoughts and a good book rather than going to danceclubs or chattering about the office gossip at every opportunity. Employers often love these employees because they don't come in hung over, don't cause huge scandals w/co-workers, and can focus on the jobs they're presented. It's all about balance---you can be well-liked and friendly as well as quiet and intelligent. Which is why introverts and extroverts can get along quite well in dating scenarios, so long as they respect each other.

>>You can be wellspoken and friendly and still prefer to hang out with your own thoughts and a good book rather than going to danceclubs or chattering about the office gossip at every opportunity.>>

That being said, people of certain personality profiles are desired more for retail work, which is coming to dominate entry-level jobs.

>>NO ONE wants to hire introverts either>>

Academia seems to be comparatively introvert-friendly.

ebola

I'm an introvert, married to an extrovert. It's working out quite well and he's even helping me to become a little bit more outgoing.

I disagree with you, CL! Don't confuse shyness or social ineptness with introversion--they are not synonymous. You can be wellspoken and friendly and still prefer to hang out with your own thoughts and a good book rather than going to danceclubs or chattering about the office gossip at every opportunity. Employers often love these employees because they don't come in hung over, don't cause huge scandals w/co-workers, and can focus on the jobs they're presented. It's all about balance---you can be well-liked and friendly as well as quiet and intelligent. Which is why introverts and extroverts can get along quite well in dating scenarios, so long as they respect each other.

Well, many introverted people do have those issues, but that is not my point. Nowadays the only surfire way to get a job and advance in your career is "networking" i.e. knowing someone. Introverts who would prefer not to socialize in their spare time and maintain vast networks of friends are not going to know many people who can help them get a job. Getting a decent (not retail, fast food, etc) job by merely sending in a resume and cover letter or an application is a crap shoot and getting hired this way seems to be more difficult than getting into Harvard. With so many qualified applicants for a single job, employers turn to increasingly abitrary methods to determine the winner, such as likeability or personality. Furthermore, introversion is often seen as a personality defect. We often hear people touting how introverts need to be more outgoing whereas we don't hear anyone telling extroverts to shut up and spend some time alone.

>>anyone telling extroverts to shut up and spend some time alone.>>

I would like some extroverts to shut up. ;)

ebola

>>anyone telling extroverts to shut up and spend some time alone.>>

I would like some extroverts to shut up. ;)

ebola
Yeah it should cut both ways so it should...Good one Carb Lover!

I wonder how one would define 'introvert' and 'extrovert'. I would guess for Americans introvert is someone who doesn't jump and shout around people every 2 seconds, and extrovert would be someone who in my country would go to prison for disorderly conduct.