dumb question about shovage (total venting. sorry)

[taurushead]

ok..so im probably just in a retarded impatient mood.
normally i have a high tolerance level for people pissing me off, y'know??
especially when it comes to the boy who is SO loving and lovely 24/7 and has a big 'respect for women' policy and stuff. if he snaps at me, its cool. coz i know he doesn't mean it and everybody has moments like that. i snap at people. the WORLD is full of occasional snappage .
but this morning was just...horrible.
he slept in, through his classes and im known to be a nag and try and make him get up coz i KNOW he's always glad once he's up.
but he's always in such a f*cking bad mood in the morning and never really..aware of stuff. he'll ask to be woken up in 10 instead and if im unsuccessful its MY fault but if i keep at it, its the ONLY time he swears at me but it comes out in harsh horrible strings of "**** OFF? leave me the **** alone . you're crazy. you're acting like a bitch" and everything. some people just hate mornings and as i said, he's above and beyond the call of lovely and supportive the rest of the time so i can deal with it.
ANYWAY..
so this morning i decided to just avoid it all. he decided to go to the second half of his class and bail on the first to sleep in , and i wanted to go to the market and he's like "well, go have a shower and come back. i want to tram into the city with you :)" (market and uni, same block) so i came back, woke him up again (well aware that id miss the bread rolls that i love at the market coz theyre so popular, if i waited too long) and was like "ok..im done with the shower, getting up now?" and he branched into his swearing. sigh. so i just got my jumper and decided to leave and then when i walked back into the room he's like 'why didn't you WAKE me?!" and ive woken him like forty TIMES this morning.
and then i dropped something, (after he fell BACK asleep) and he's like "**** get OUT?!" and im sorry, but its MY FREAKIN HOUSE?! i was just getting my SHOES. so i explained that i was sorry, and that i wasn't even gonna go into the market yet afterall. so if he wanted while he got up, i could cook eggs and get him coffee so that his morning wasn't as painful. but no. screamage. then like an HOUR LATER i need to wash the sheets (its been put of way too long. mainly coz he's always over and won't get up in time for me to wash and hang them before i leave. and damnit he's coming across as an arse..but does do wonderful stuff) and he refused to get out of the bed. i explained that i wont have time in the next few days and i just really want to get them washed and he's had time to sleep right through his classes and he starts screaming at me all over again. i can't STAND it. so then he sat up to talk, but 'talking'' just involved him telling me how i was insane and what not and how it wasn't out of disresect for me, he just really didn't want to get up and **** this and **** that and **** **** **** **** and then came the shove.
all the way over onto my floorboards.
i know it wasn't actually meant to be that hard and that its no big deal and that by then i WAS getting irrate and annoying. but it just surpised me. he doesn't do stuff like that. he doesn't even raise his voice but this last week, every morning , and just the morning, he's been a nightmare. and its starting to get so annoying.
didn't say anything , got up and walked out. then came back home and he was STILL here, and he didn't say a word. then left and i smsed very calmly how i wasn't mad but had this opinion and that opinion, nothing.
all i wanted was a 'oo sorry, that wasn't meant to be that hard' and now my damn coxic bone is sore. lol.
but its more the part of me that loves being treated as great as he does, and loves lying next to him etc thats sore.
and im worried that all this irrelevant morning stuff, that pales into significance with the rest of the awesomeness is gonna get in the way.
coz i really dont wanna talk to him. and i dont want him over coz i just..i dont know. i just dont.
how do you 'pick your battles' as they say? i just..let the little things annoy me too much. sigh.

[asiel]

I don't know if I'd consider this a 'little' thing. He doesn't seem to be treating you with much respect here, and while as you say, he might do all those other wonderful things for you, are those wonderful things worth it? Being screamed at, sworn at and shoved in your own home doesn't seem so wonderful to me....

[Kiz]

Doesn't sound much like he has a "respect for women" policy to me.

[taurushead]

i know. :think: thats why im posting.
its like..i dont know. its..aa. i can't even explain. im posting to see if i overreact i guess, because i constantly feel guilty for chastising him about stupid or justified things. bu then again the only one who ever tells me im overreacting is him so it dawned on me this morning that maybe sometimes im not.
in the beginning, we were great together. then i got sorta...more emotional with the whole Ed thing but we stayed really close. Then went through this total sh*t patch, he was horrible to me, but im sure that i was also and he's so apologetic about it all and says that even though it was my own behaviour that made it all happen he still feels terrible and that he was also going through a rough patch of life. stupid incidents like me telling him i was attacked by this guy, and i told him in the middle of an arguement to try and explain why i was so riled up but because he was already angry, he just couldn't deal with it and told me he wanted listen but had to meet this girl (long story. he slept with her a week after we broke up in year 12) , and then a few days later came clean and said he only said that because it was the only thing that would make me leave faster than fast and that he was sorry but he couldn't handle any more emotion and fighting that day. i just thought..that was totally unfair. i mean...i didn't necissarily expect a hug or whatever but to pick THAT, this girl we'd fought over and all this..and pretend he had to meet her for coffee? i dont know.
and another time i was sick as a dog and asked him to pull over and he was running late and we'd been fighting, and i was out of the car crouched down for just a second and he was like "i have to go?! im running late?!?!" and drove off. and i just felt so...crappy. i dont know. its like i have this high expectation of a boy, that he should pull over and help me out, y'know? and its all my fault for having such ..high standards. mind you to his credit he keeps them ALL these days. but it was stuff like that. and i got literally thrown out of the car at work one time, had to show up with grass in my hair and a bleeding lip and couldn't stop crying. he never put me in danger though, like he'd drive off leaving me in the city at night but then drive round the block and come back. that kind of thing. lol. just teenage relationship drama. it was just bad timing for both of us.
then we saw other people. then got back together and its been total smooth sailing. one of the things i love about him MOST is the respect and understanding and listening. you know? this boy knows me, loves every opinion ive got and when he doesn't , listens and constructs a thought out noninsulting response, and he always takes my flared up temper or whatever in his stride and is pretty much loved by all. we've never been stronger! until lately.
and now lately, he's been doing all the great things that make us even stronger. its amazing. ive been on cloud 9. but then..its like...i dont know. lately the morning stuff,its not even bad. but it just makes me hate him.
and he patrionises me about things that matter, but only recently.
but its ok, coz the good stuff makes up for that and i can't imagine anyone being sweeter or better or more..him . i just wish that the few little bad things cropping up would go away.
because im starting to think twice before answering my phone even though i KNOW it will be awesome and lovely like always, just coz i dont want anything bad to crop up coz i was blissfully happy.
i dont know. i can't explain it. i just hate the feeling of love fading for someone i always loved , but it feels sort of like..it quite suddenly is, over nothing.
and he puts up with a LOT. he really does. especially wiht the whole Ed recovery thing im always whining about being full, or being scared or whatever and most of the time he's better about that than i deserve,
but even with that, sometimes, he acts like ...i dont know. ick. i just dont know. all i know is that i feel like crap and im not meant to.
any advice??

[taurushead]

oh and on the respect thing, he 's honestly got one of the strongest moral compasses ive ever seen. it puts even mine to shame.
which is why this stuff takes me by suprise.
and if he'd just apologise for being sleepy and a dick or whatever..itd be totally ok. but he doesn't . he just goes on about me being unfair and 'doing his head in' and pissing him off.

[delicious]

Doesn't matter what other wonderful things he does. He's an abuser.

[taurushead]

but is that REALLY how it works?? :think:
it doesn't matter that he's one of the strongest inspiring voices, always pushing me to be what i can be and stuff, it doesn't matter ?
and it doesn't matter that probably drive him to doing this ?

(im not being rhetorical. i honestly dont know. lol.)

[Thalia]

but is that REALLY how it works?? :think:
it doesn't matter that he's one of the strongest inspiring voices, always pushing me to be what i can be and stuff, it doesn't matter ?
and it doesn't matter that probably drive him to doing this ?

(im not being rhetorical. i honestly dont know. lol.)
Think of all of these great qualities he has. Do you honestly think there aren't any men with these same traits who don't scream at and shove women? You can have both. Someone who is inspiring, moral, kind, and who doesn't shove. If not, the rest of us are in real trouble.

[taurushead]

oh goodness. thats a really good point.
hmm...
i...yeah. i never actually even considered this. i always figured..you love someone , you take the good with the bad?
nobody's perfect?
im sorry to post so much. i just dont know what to do. coz it literally only just occured to me that maybe ..yeah. no i dont know :/

[astro]

and i got literally thrown out of the car at work one time, had to show up with grass in my hair and a bleeding lip and couldn't stop crying. he never put me in danger though, like he'd drive off leaving me in the city at night but then drive round the block and come back.

Woah....just want to clarify Taurushead.....was it your BF who threw you out of the car and caused an injury to you? Because if it was, that is definately abuse happening within your relationship. So is the 'shoving' incident and you should not continue to put up with this.

plz have a read of this:www.reachout.com.au/default.asp?ti=293 - 44k

[taurushead]

i know. i know it looks bad. i do. i just..like....surely if you annoy someone enough sometimes (and get told you're perfect the rest of the time) its ok??
and dont you ever feel like its hard to tell what you should be apologising for and what you should be walking away from?

[taurushead]

oh and astro, thank you :) but the url doesn't link. ill try to find out though.
wow, i thought i just wanted an opinion, someone to remind me im the one out of line , and suddenly i feel like crying. lol. its very weird.

[astro]

sorry....tried to fix up that link but it's not happening :-/

[taurushead]

thats totally ok:D thank you for trying :O :) :) :) eeheehee

[Elena99]

He's behaving this badly at YOUR place? I can understand your situation - every bad guy has a few good qualities, I'm sure, and he's not as abusive as he could be... but I agree with delicious.

Also, it's not your responsibility to get him up in the morning. He needs to get his own butt up and should understand that you don't want to be abused for doing him a favour.

You need to talk to him about these things that are bothering you.

"he never put me in danger though, like he'd drive off leaving me in the city at night but then drive round the block and come back."

Just the fact that he left you like that sounds scary. Good boyfriends/girlfriends don't do that. You've made other statements that are concerning, too. He shouldn't be "putting up" with you. Every single person has issues or something that makes them less than perfect. If he doesn't love you for who you are, he doesn't deserve you. Seriously. You can find love in other places, and hopefully less emotional abusive love.

[astro]

i know. i know it looks bad. i do. i just..like....surely if you annoy someone enough sometimes (and get told you're perfect the rest of the time) its ok??

NO mate, it's never ok. People who abuse their partners in relationships will often apologise afterwards, or say nice stuff to them the rest of the time. Sometimes they mean it and sometimes it's all part of the cycle of abuse. Either way it isn't a lisense to do it again.

[taurushead]

hmm. wow. so much to think about. thanks elena :)
it sounds really lame, but its always been him and i . you know?? it seems so risky to leave this person who ive always loved and been loved by, when i quite possibly deserve to be yelled at a lot of the time. lol.
but at the same time, its not that fun. i dont know. i dont know :( :(

[taurushead]

astro- thanks :) you guys have no idea how helpful this is. i still think im overreacting and being a butthead. and will really regret saying something.
i have before actually. he sent me an sms after i ended up in tears one night because he was being stupid about how "if you emotionally abuse me again, we can't do this. i really dont like being manipulated" and i felt AWFUL, so i smsed but the sadness came out as rage...and said something about being shoved around lately and when i do that he just goes all "You think I LIKE acting like this? you're driving me nuts. Anybody else would react this way too. its ok though, i dont mind. I understand that you've got issues and I DO try my best to deal with them" and then i feel guilty, you know??
but yes, ive tried to talk about it. we talk EVERYTHING out. its ..yeah. i may..just call now..in fact.

[astro]

he just goes all "You think I LIKE acting like this? you're driving me nuts. Anybody else would react this way too. its ok though, i dont mind. I understand that you've got issues and I DO try my best to deal with them" and then i feel guilty, you know??

There's no doubt from your post that some of your issues are causing your BF to become very frustrated and that IS normal for him to feel frustrated.

But acting out that frustration to the point of physical violence is NOT normal. That's where his issues are coming to the surface and instead of recognising them, he is turning the blame around on you. Laying blame on the other person is also a sign of abuse in a relationship.

[taurushead]

hmm. very wise :) :) :)

[Exit51]

taurushead
your post reminded me of myself when I was younger...so much so that I opened an account after lurking here for awhile and this is my first post. I swear you were telling the story of me and my exboyfriend...I started dating him when I was 17 and it started out great, he was so sweet, and then one day he was sleeping and I tried to talk to him and he yelled at me and swore at me just like you described...and I blamed myself as you do...decided I was being too pushy and annoying..and I dated him for 2 years after this. Long story short, I finally had too much and just broke it off....but I know what you are saying about loving him and him being the perfect guy...but when I actually found a great guy I realized how poorly I had been being treated...and truthfully, I know if I had been given advice to break up with my boyfriend back then, I would not have done it...but all I can say is this guy is not the only one out there, and he is not treating you with love, and you would be better off without him..however hard to believe that is.
good luck in whatever you decide

[taurushead]

exit51, dude , your post literally made me cry. Now i feel like such a total girl. Oi vey the humiliation.
But its not just humiliation. its that we've been through so much..i literally can't imagine life without him. and i definetely can't imagine anyone better, we've dated other people on and off, but he's the one i just click with, y'know?? i dont know.
so im kind of..scared. because...oh i dont know. f*ck im bad at summarising weird feelings. i can yabber about everything else for ages..but this...yeha.
your post really meant a lot actually, especially the part about when you were with someone better you realised it really hadn't been that great.
but i guess it comes back to figuring theres nobody better. and if there were, id probably drive them nuts also.
i have no idea..what im doing. and i feel like ive been flipped upside down, because everything's always been dodgy..but stable. and now its like..maybe theres a whole chunk of ...change that..i...mm. cant find the words.
but truly, your post was perfect:) :) :) thank you times about fifty million.

[Exit51]

Like I said, when I read your post it was literally like reading my diary! And, like I said, I could not imagine life without my then boyfriend...that is why I said if someone had told me to break up with him (and believe me, they did!) I would not/did not listen. Truthfully, I broke up with this guy 8 years ago and saw him this summer and it really shook me up (off topic though, he got bald and fat I SWEAR) but anyway, I guess I just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel...when i was with that guy, he was the only one who could make me feel better, but he was the one making me feel the worst.. I don't know, that was a really hard time in my life, it was not easy breaking up with him, but in the long run I am glad I did it.
So , all I can really offer is understanding, of how you feel and why you want to stay with him.

[taurushead]

wow. thank you. THANK you:) :) :) you know, you're totally right.
i think..im gonna have to think about this . id planned on just being told to stop bein petty, but now ive got a lot to consider. :) :) :)
and by the by, im glad you're in a happier relationship, thats awesome !!

[taurushead]

sigh. he's ignoring me now.
i just..want to roll over...and die. wish i hadn't eaten dinner.
and everybody is out already getting drunk. so im on my own for the night.
its so weird..thinking i was so freakishly happy just last night.