please help..

[veggie_girl]

I really need some relationship advice. I am 20 and have been dating my boyfriend, who is now 24, for 3 years. He is Muslim and eats meat (except pork) and I have been vegetarian for 8 years and I really want to be vegan. Growing up I always thought that I would marry a vegetarian who feels the way I do and we would have a traditional wedding and raise vegan children and attend events for vegetarians and animal rights rallies. But you can’t help who you love. My boyfriend and I are so different but we really do love each other. We agreed that we would raise our children Muslim and vegetarian. The other problem is in the Muslim religion dogs are viewed as dirty and if you pet a dog you have to clean yourself before you pray to god, but for some reason this only applies to dogs. I told him that I could not live without a dog. We agreed that we would have a section of the house (probably the basement) where the dog could not go, and he can pray there. I am not religious, I am very skeptical, I believe in evolution, and I refuse to believe stories such as Adam and Eve. He believes this story and it drives me crazy that he can be so naive. Anyways, the past couple of months have been rough. I just started at university this year and I am attending on a full academic scholarship. I must keep a 3.5 or I lose my scholarship. So I have been very stressed and not being as emotionally available to him as I could have. Then I was busy with exams and he had a lot of time to himself to think. He decided that we were not working out. He said that he wants a wife who will cook him meat and teach his children about Islam and that he doesn’t want a dog in his house. The pain I felt when he broke up with me was so extreme, I thought I was gonna stop breathing. My brother tried to cheer me up by taking me to see a play, but the wound was too fresh to be in public and I cried all through the Lord of the Rings. I went home and called him, sobbing. I asked him if he still loved me and he cried and said yes, but that he didn’t think it would work. I told him I needed to see him the next day; I was determined to get my boyfriend back. I skipped my classes the next day and went to his apartment. I begged him to give me another chance. I never beg, my pride normally gets in the way, but not this time. He had tears in his eyes but he kept saying that we couldn’t give each other the futures that we wanted. I was hysterical and kept asking him to give me another chance. I told him I would learn about his religion, I would convert, I would raise Muslim children, and I would cook him meat. I told him the only things I cared about was having him and raising vegetarian children. I He agreed to give me a second chance, but said that we should not see each other for a week. This way we could start fresh, go on a first date, and really figure out how we can make this work. We made love; fell asleep in each others arms and he drove me home. This happened yesterday. I cannot live without him, but at the same time I feel like I have compromised too much of myself. So what I want to know from you guys is if you would ever agree to cook meat and convert to another religion for the man you love. Is love worth this? I am so confused. I know what I want in a guy and I know what I want my future to be like but I also know that I may never have it. I rarely ever meet vegetarians, how am I gonna meet a man who is vegan and has all the other qualities I want in a man. The other thing is if I convert I would have to have a Muslim wedding, and I don’t like how they do their weddings. I think men and women should be allowed to sit together and dance together. I want to wear a beautiful white dress, not a sari. But I love him, and he treats me so unbelievably amazing, and we have so much fun together. What should I do?? Am I compromising too much of myself?? Would you agree to convert or cook your man meat?? If I leave him I don’t think I will be able to function, please give me some advice!

[SeaSiren]

You two can't agree on two of the "relationship killers", child rearing and religion. The others IMO are money and politics.

It is essentially your life to what you want with. But, I think you are looking at one hard, heart breaking road if you choose marriage with this man. I'm not saying he is a bad man, just maybe not your match

I would not be with someone who was so completely different in ideals then myself.

I hope you come to a decision you can eventually be happy with.

[meatless]

Sea Siren is correct. You two disagree on almost all of the funamentals. Love may seem like enough when you're 20, but in the absense of having anything in common it will not be enough. No doubt break ups are painful, but you're looking at a lifetime of heartache and giving up bits of yourself if you marry someone who has such vastly different priorities than you do.

Of course the choice is yours though. Good luck.

[Life2k]

I can see it from his side, because God is everything to me.

This will never work.
His relegion is the basis of his life and his being, and you think of it as a fairtale and have absolutely no respect for that side of him. I don't mean to sound harsh, but you can not force yourself to believe, so let him go. You don't love the most important part of him, and the other percent isn't large enough to make up the difference. I have been married 28 years to a man of the same faith, same values, same objectives and it still hasn't been easy all of the time. You are asking for constant heartbreak. Let him go.

[meatless]

Well, in all fairness, it doesn't sound like he has much respect or love for what's important to her either. :)

[veggiefriend]

I agree with Meatless,Sea Siren ahd Life2K.
You cannot change him, and you should not change for him.
Even if your boyfriend were to meet you halfway, it would be too much of a compromise for both of you: your core values are too different. If he were a "secular", culturally-based Muslim, it MIGHT work out, but this is obviously not the case and asking him to change is no more realistic than you changing for him. You can not "convert" for someone; the conversion would never be genuine, and neither of you should live with that.
Now, imagine raising kids in a household with such a hypocritical atmosphere: I changed my core beliefs, not because I felt they were wrong, only to fit in with someone else?! No way!
Don't worry: there are plenty of other men out there who are a much better fit; if you cling to this one, you'll never meet them.
Take care

[Libellula]

it sounds like there's a lack of respect for major parts of both people, on both person's sides.

i know that you are hurting veggie_girl. take a day off (preferably a weekend day), cry, mourn the loss of your relationship. write lists, put away his photographs, what ever it takes for you to release some of the emotions that are eating away at you. i know this is hard. but it sounds like you both don't agree on child-rearing and religion and those are two huge steps in any relationship. it is better to have this happen now (as much as you may not want to hear this) than after you marry, trust me. it would hurt so much more then. <hug>

[veggie_girl]

Then why do people say that love can conquor all... is that all just bull****???

[meatless]

Then why do people say that love can conquor all... is that all just bull****???


That's only on TV and in movies. :) And Harlequin Romance books.

[gaya]

Then why do people say that love can conquor all... is that all just bull****???
Yea, I'd say that is bull lol. I have been where you are with a few guys when I was your age. The desparation, hysteria etc. It's so unhealthy. You could easily end up resenting him. On the other hand you could end up subservient. Either option doesn't sound cool. How could you convert to Islam if you don't believe in God? Religion is very personal and converting shouldn't be based on pleasing someone else. If I were you I would let this one go.

[Chrysalis]

I agree with the others. Sometimes you fall in love with someone who just isn't meant for you. I don't think you (or anyone) should compromise your beliefs for someone else. And like veggiefriend said, converting to his religion wouldn't be a true conversion, at least, it wouldn't be in your heart or spirit.

I hope you make the choice that's best for you, whatever choice that is. Good luck.

[veggie_girl]

I want to make it clear that I don’t not believe in God. I am simply skeptical and refuse to take anything at face value. I believe in evolution and the Big Bang, but this does not mean that I don’t believe in God, I just think that he started the big bang and we evolved from there. I am a spiritual person, not a religious person. I refuse to believe something that science can so easily prove wrong. I think that religion is primitive and the people who wrote the stories thought that anything that they could not explain must be attributed to the supernatural. But I do believe in a creator and this is why I don’t eat meat... I know that if there is a God, he loves all of us, not just our specie. And sometimes I feel that I need religion in my life. Ever since my dad died I have become so bitter, and with each death that I have had to mourn since then I have become more and more agonistic. To add to it, since I have started university I have learned so much about science and evolution that it seems irrational to believe the story of Adam and Eve. To believe this one cannot simultaneously believe in dinosaurs, and we know that dinosaurs existed. This is a fact. But back to my original point, I do believe in God, and I think that I could learn his religion without believing in creationism…

[gaya]

But back to my original point, I do believe in God, and I think that I could learn his religion without believing in creationism…
I understand what you are saying but you don't seem like you would or could believe in his interpretation of God...and a religion that deems dogs as dirty? That's so weird lol. I don't know much about Islam but I question how the religion views women and how women should be treated.

[veggie_girl]

I don't know much about Islam but I question how the religion views women and how women should be treated.

I worry about this too.... his uncle lives in Canada and has 2 wives, but he says he is very against this...

[meatless]

Whether or not you could abide by his religion is only one part of the picture. There's also how many other compromises you'd have to make, around your vegetarianism, cooking him meat etc. Plus, it's obviously important to you to have dogs, which he things are dirty. There are so many things that are irreconcilable between you two.

[gaya]

I worry about this too.... his uncle lives in Canada and has 2 wives, but he says he is very against this...
Geez, I had no idea. Don't you think you deserve better? like a man who will cherish you and your beliefs? Just the fact that you had to beg him should be a deal breaker. No woman should ever put herself in such a situation nor be with a partner that would play along.

[Chrysalis]

Geez, I had no idea. Don't you think you deserve better? like a man who will cherish you and your beliefs? Just the fact that you had to beg him should be a deal breaker. No woman should ever put herself in such a situation nor be with a partner that would play along.

Yes that's a good point. Do you really want to be in a relationship in which you had to convince him to be with you?

[gaya]

Yes that's a good point. Do you really want to be in a relationship in which you had to convince him to be with you?
Personally, I'm so glad I grew out of that phase...yuk :spew: lol

If we have to beg another human for anything then there is something wrong internally. It may just be youthful passion/drama but it should be checked.

[Astarte]

I worry about this too.... his uncle lives in Canada and has 2 wives, but he says he is very against this...

Just in case there's any confusion on the subject, polygamy is just as illegal in Canada as it is in other western countries.

It sounds like he comes from a vastly different background from you. If he came to the conclusion on his own that being with you permanently would be too much of a compromise for him, then you have to respect his decision. Love on its own won't make a relationship work. Can you really give up so much of what you love about yourself just so that you can make it work with a man who not only doesn't share those views, but doesn't love those parts of you either? Why change what's great about you to fit with his vision of what he wants? It sounds like a terrible way to live. And for him too!

You're only 20 years old. Why not wait till you can find a guy that you have more in common with, and that you loves you for who you are. *All* of you. Someone who you won't have to make such massive compromises for.

[rabid_child]

I don't believe in changing for someone else nor do I believe in having someone else change for me. I don't think this is going to work out. I think you're going to start harboring resentment for him and he's going to see that all he has to do is threaten to leave you and you'll cave to what he wants.
Love doesn't conquer anything, or we wouldn't have things like unrequited love or sad love songs....

[karenlovessnow]

I don't have any words of wisdom for you. I just feel really bad for you, that you are in this situation, and I hope that whatever you decide, that you will eventually be able to come to terms with it. Good luck.

[whisper]

Imagine what it will be like having kids. How are you going to answer questions like these?
Mommy why can't we have a dog?
Mommy can we eat meat like daddy?
I don't know all the things that go along with being muslim but I know there is alot women aren't allowed to do. If you have a daughter can you accept the way she will be treated as a muslim girl?
And if/when you got a divorce and shared custody would you trust him to raise them according to your wishes.
I know this is something that would probably be in the distant future but something worth thinking about.

[veggie_girl]

Thankyou for the advice.... I was hoping to hear the opposite...that if we love eachother enough we could make it work.... but everything you guys have said has gone to heart. And to be honest, its all advice that my head has been trying to tell my heart, but my heart does not want to hear it. Our love really is something magical... and it has gotten stronger over the years... it hasent died down like so many relationships do. We are going to get together next Sunday and talk... i dont know whats going to happen but I will let you know... I just hope it dosent hurt so much by then so that I can do the right thing.. but if there is any chance for us, if he's willing to really comrimise (i.e. become vegetarian and have a dog) I dont know how I could let him go... but i have a week to think about it....

[Life2k]

but if there is any chance for us, if he's willing to really comprimise (i.e. become vegetarian and have a dog) I dont know how I could let him go... but i have a week to think about it....
Then you have a week to get to know his God, and see if He can be a reality in your life. What have you got to loose? (Now don't everyone report me for preaching. This is a possible solution to her problem.) No offense intended.

[froggythefrog]

I read very little, but I think I have the jest. It's amazing who you fall in love with. It's amazing who stirs our souls. That person is not always "the one". And "the one" is not always the person we envisioned. I would strongly advise that now you know him as an individual and yourself as an individual, get to know what you're like as a couple -- 3 years and you probably have a good idea, but may need to change the way you look at things. Are the two of you going to be able to meet your goals in life together? (His as well as yours?) Both of you need to decide this. You're not Muslim and he's not vegan... but it does not have to stop either of you... Or does it?