A girl, Katie, who is 25 and her bf, Jason, is 41. They're happily in love with each other.. literally crazy about each other. Even though there is a generation gap, its not a problem. They get along so well with each other. Sex is great, oh so i heard.

But besides that.. Jason has a daughter and lives with the mother of his daughter. The mother does not know that he is in love with another woman.

Dont u think thats unfair?

I see Katie being really hurt yet she sticks with him because she loves him. She knows its wrong. They dont see each other much, because Jason wants to be a full time father so he has to be home at a certain time when his daughter wakes up and when his daugther goes to sleep. I understand that, but its double standard.

I dont know how they can live a secretive relationship. She makes every effort to make him happy.. give him the love he needs. And they're talking about marriage already after a little over 3 months of dating. Jason has never been married before.

I can see Katie hurting; she knows its wrong to be in the relationship because of Jason's daughter.. and how Jason is disrespecting his daughter, the mother and Katie.

Katie believes it'll work, but I dont see any goals for their future... at least they're not working towards it.

your opinion?

Clearly you present a limited set of facts, but to me it sounds rather bogus. If the mother of his daughter doesn't know that he's boinking someone else, then there's a reason he hasn't told her, and I have to consider the guy a cheater.

I have a friend (30) who used to date a guy (41) who has five kids with three different women, and who talked about making more with her on the first date. She keeps feeling drawn to this guy, but every indication is that she should run away very fast.

What has Jason presented to Katie? Are he and the mother still involved in a relationship? What are Katie's true expectations? Has Katie met Jason's daughter? Getting along and sex are great, and I am certain that Katie is taking care of Jason's emotional needs, but what about hers? Has she experienced enough of living and love to determine that a part-time romance with someone else's man (sorry sounds so harsh..but true) is enough to keep her going? Is Katie equipped to get a phone call 15 minutes before Jason is expected to appear only to hear that the child is ill and he can't make it that night? How many Christmas Eves/Days and other Holidays can she stand to be alone because her man needs to be with his child and the mother? Can Katie see herself in a "step mother" role at 25ish years old? It is a hurtful situation, and I judge nobody...only pose some questions...and remind that the child will always come first, and is an innocent in all of this.

Best of luck to your friend Katie and her man Jason. It is not a simple situation, but may work out. If not, be there for your friend, as a lot of people won't understand.

Clearly you present a limited set of facts, but to me it sounds rather bogus. If the mother of his daughter doesn't know that he's boinking someone else, then there's a reason he hasn't told her, and I have to consider the guy a cheater.
:yes: :yes:

There's nothing more pathetic than someone who cheats.... and "katie" is just as bad as the cheater because she is also knowingly deceiving this poor other woman. She should be ashamed.

Perhaps two people with such poor character deserve each other.

There's nothing more pathetic than someone who cheats....
Perhaps two people with such poor character deserve each other.
Agreed. I thought this about my ex-wife and the 'friend' of mine she was carrying on with, and from what I hear, they both got what they deserved.

As for whether it's fair, or right or wrong... no one can decide that except these people. The guy in question is not married, and if he's cheating, he's obviously not in love with the woman anymore. Some people have a really hard time breaking out of old relationships. I'm assuming Katie is your friend, and you would help her best by supporting her and listening to her.

It sounds to me like your friend is just infatuated. You say she makes every effort to make this guy happy, but is he doing the same for her in return? Doesn't sound like it. And they're being unfair to the mother by keeping it all a secret. You didn't say WHY they're keeping it secret, but this all sounds like bad news....

Anyway I'm sure your friend is confused right now and could use some support. I don't know if she's doing anything wrong or not, but even if she is, we all lose our heads and do stupid things sometimes. I have a friend who is acting completely out of character and has started sleeping with his roommate's girlfriend...which yeah, doesn't impress me of course...but it's important to have friends who don't judge you. Or at least, who don't judge you too harshly. In a situation like this, all you can really do is be there for her.

I think the most important question here is, is Jason still with the mother of his child?

This isn't made clear in the OP, and is the crux of the matter.

I ask this because, though it may seem obvious he's with the mother as they are living together, I won't make that assumption as I live with the father of my son and we haven't been together for four years.

If he isn't, then Katie will just have to get used to the arrangement he has with his ex, and acknowedge that he has his daughter's best interest in mind.

Coming into a relationship with a person who has a child by another partner is hard enough, making the adjustment to be in a relationship with someone who still lives with the mother/father of their child takes some getting used to and I commend those open minded, flexible and caring enough to do this.

If he is still with the mother, then it's a whole different matter.

Katie needs to understand that no good usually comes of these sorts of realtionships. Heartache will no doubt come along for one of the three parties involved and this may be her.

I agree with the question someone else asked. Does Katie have enough life experience to realise if this relationahip will go anywhere or even be good for her?

I understand that relationships are messy indefinable creatures, but I try and steer clear of anyone will caught up in a relataionship with another person. I try and respect that my feeligs are not the only feeligns to consider and that getting involved with someone else while they are still in another relationship may reflect on their values personality.

I agree with silverfire- the absolute most important thing is if he and his childs mother are still together! If they are he is a cheating B******!
If not, well it really does get more complicated.

I am actually in a relationship now with a man who is older than me, who has 2 kids and he lives with their mother. I actually knew about this before we started dating. It is a complicated situation, but they are not dating, and have not been for 6 + years. The living situation is for the kids benefit.
But it is a difficult situation. We are both very aware that this could pose a lot of problems for us, and my BF is always wondering if it is fair to me. We have tried to break it off, but we are far too in love.

I guess I'm just wondering why the mother doesn't know about her. That makes it sound pretty sketchy to me!

If this guy is hiding a significant relationship from the woman he lives with, he is at heart not an honest man. (The same goes for the kid if she's big enough to understand.) If he is not honest now, why on earth would anyone expect him to be honest later, or in other circumstances, or to someone else? If a guy is willing to avoid truth, he'll do it whenever it's convenient.

Once a cheater, always a cheater. Even if Jason gives up his baby's mama for Katie, eventually he'll start cheating on Katie, it's just a matter of time.
Also, if Jason is that kind of person, it makes one wonder if the spread of diseases might be an issue?? Who else has Jason been boinking besides Katie and the baby mama????

If he is cheating, then it reminds me of what they say, "If they will do it with you, they will do it to you."

Sounds like this 41 isn't so "mature" after all. If he's cheating or not, it sounds as if he has a hard time having open and honest relationships with people and doesn't realize the inappropriateness of discussing marriage three months in with someone who hasn't met his child, or even been over to his household!

I think a 25 year old is old enough to be suspicious and demand honesty.

Nevertheless, younger people are less assertive, which leads me to something I've I'm always suspicious of when people pursue much younger people romantically-- Is it because people their own age are too wise and self-assured to put up with their BS?

Nevertheless, younger people are less assertive, which leads me to something I've I'm always suspicious of when people pursue much younger people romantically-- Is it because people their own age are too wise and self-assured to put up with their BS?

I have known guys who go after younger women for EXACTLY that reason. Obviously that isn't true of everyone, but I too become suspicious if I notice someone who consistently dates much younger people.

I thought my edited post was saved, but apparently it wasnt. I apologized for not being so specific.

Katie's situation is in a similar boat as Synergy was saying. The living situation is for Jason's convenient and for the daughter's benefit. Jason has 2 year old daughter and yes, Katie has seen the daughter on several occasions.

Jason worries that the mother will use his daughter against him because she is just bitter.

I spoke with Katie and I understand completely how she feels and she explained a great deal. But it worries me..

Jason is not cheating and he is deeply in love with Katie. I know for a fact, he is a one woman man. Jason even took Katie to his family on Xmas day and introduce her to everyone at work which is something unlikely to do.

Everything he does is for his daughter. Katie feels neglected because she can only see him when he can see her. Katie's love for children is beyond any mother's love for a kid. Katie said "I see [daughter] expecting her mom and dad together raising her and there's me." She hasnt necessarily told Jason that... but he knows that he is being unfair to her and that she is hurting. But the love between them two separates themselves from the rest of the world.

This secretive relationship has gotten out of hands. But I know its up to them to decide.

Secrets of any kind don't make a good foundation for a relationship.

yah esp when there's "trust" and "honesty" to be valued in any relationship.

Katie has to realise that his daughter will be first and foremost on his mind.

I'd say that he does need to tell the mother about his relationship with Katie.

I wonder, has the mother got a boyfriend? Is this the first time that this situation has come up for either of the parents and how have they coped with the situation beforehand?

I guess if they have a 2 year old child, then they may not have been separated for very long. He probably should not not mention anything about marrying Katie to the mother just yet.

And although it may be that the mother would try and use his relationship with Katie against Jason, both he and the mother do have to move on with their lives at some stage.

I suggest he talk with the mother about their life direction and how they will cope with the ex's partners etc. Jason needs to get the ball rolling in that department if he and Katie are to have any kind of life together.

I'd also suggest that Katie not push the point too much. If the mother is feeling bitter, there may be much more to the story and if things are raw between the two parents, the worst thing that could hapen is for Katie to push the issue of a 'fulltime' relationship.

If they are that serious about each other, and about marrying, then I'd assume that they intend to spend a long time together. And so, for the sake of the little girl, and for any kind of harmony for Jason (and Katie) I'd say she let him sort it out with the mother before they sorted anything out themselves.

A girl, Katie, who is 25 and her bf, Jason, is 41. They're happily in love with each other.. literally crazy about each other. Even though there is a generation gap, its not a problem. They get along so well with each other. Sex is great, oh so i heard.

But besides that.. Jason has a daughter and lives with the mother of his daughter. The mother does not know that he is in love with another woman.

Dont u think thats unfair?

I see Katie being really hurt yet she sticks with him because she loves him. She knows its wrong. They dont see each other much, because Jason wants to be a full time father so he has to be home at a certain time when his daughter wakes up and when his daugther goes to sleep. I understand that, but its double standard.

I dont know how they can live a secretive relationship. She makes every effort to make him happy.. give him the love he needs. And they're talking about marriage already after a little over 3 months of dating. Jason has never been married before.

I can see Katie hurting; she knows its wrong to be in the relationship because of Jason's daughter.. and how Jason is disrespecting his daughter, the mother and Katie.

Katie believes it'll work, but I dont see any goals for their future... at least they're not working towards it.

your opinion?


Neither of them are moral, or nice, people. One is a cheater and the other is the sort of girl who happily screws taken men. I have no respect for either sort. And "he isn't cheating"? He's living with the mother of his baby and not telling her about other relationships. Do you really believe there is no relationship there any more? If there wasn't, he'd be happy to tell the woman he is living with. Even if he isn't he's just flat out not an honest person.

I've I'm always suspicious of when people pursue much younger people romantically
I usually don't, because of the experience gap. There was once someone thirteen years younger than me who was really smart, creative, fun, etc., but turned out to be really flaky and immature.

I have a friend who was dating a guy eleven years her senior, who from her description is exactly what you describe, Thalia. She sometimes feels a glandular compulsion to get back with the guy (who has five kids with three moms and WANTS MORE) but I've counseled her to find someone more genuine. At >30< she's panicking about her biological clock!

Neither of them are moral, or nice, people. One is a cheater and the other is the sort of girl who happily screws taken men. I have no respect for either sort. And "he isn't cheating"? He's living with the mother of his baby and not telling her about other relationships. Do you really believe there is no relationship there any more? If there wasn't, he'd be happy to tell the woman he is living with. Even if he isn't he's just flat out not an honest person.

Not necessarily...

Relationships are complex things, and chucking a kid into the mix is always bound to muddy things even further.

It really depends on the dynamics between the mother and Jason. If they had a bitter break up, he may rightly be fearful of what the mother may do in the event of him getting another partner. People are illogical irrational creatures at times.

If I had been in the same situation (thankfully my son's dad is pretty open minded and reasonable) I may have done the same thing.

If he loves his kid as much as I do, this may be a BIG fear that would make a normally honest person hide a relationship from an ex partner.

On the other hand, I get the impression they haven't been broken up for long, and I too wondered if there may be something more to Jason and the mother's relationship thatwe don't know about.

As I said previously, it takes a little wisdom from both sides to figure this problem out.

If he is still having a relationship with the mother, then I'd say to Katie, get out quick!

She'll find out either way at some stage, and will have to make up her mind from there.

But she's buying into a whole mess of baggage either way, she has to figure out if this guy is worth it.

According to Jason, he and his mother had been dating for 7 years... on and off, but mostly off. Since the mother was pregnant, the relationship was OFF... and he never dated anyone until he met Katie. He does not have any feelings for the mother emotionally, mentally, or physically.. but he feels that he has to respect her because she is, in fact, the mother of his child.

However, the mother has a lot of resentment towards Jason, because he was never there for her during the first 7 months of her pregnancy... and since the daughter was born, he did everything he could for her.. everything he does is for his daughter..

I dont know, it'd bother me because having to see the daughter and her to expect her parents together.. and there's katie.. there's gonna be a lot of problems.

I do understand Jason's reason for not havign the mother to know.. his reasons is validated.

Jason says he is worried that he'll be kicked out once the mother know.. and that since she is bitter, she would not understand. He cant give her what she wants (happiness and love) because thats not how he feels.

If I were Katie's friend, I'd just stay out of it. Everyone has to make his or her own mistakes. It would really be none of my business.

And if I were Katie, and I found out my friend was asking strangers on the internet for opinions on my relationship...well...let's just say I'm a forgiving sort. :)

I know I know..

What does it matter...it's not like we personally know either of them and they probably dont read this board :-/



He does not have any feelings for the mother emotionally, mentally, or physically.. but he feels that he has to respect her because she is, in fact, the mother of his child.

He could respect her without living with her. The whole scenario sounds a bit suss doesn't it? Usually when a relationship is dead in the water, the last thing you want to be doing is living with that person and seeing them everyday...it's too awkward and difficult. You just wanna get the hell out, so it seems a bit strange that he wants to stay.

Also, if he has no feelings of any kind for the mother of his child then there would be no problem telling her about his new relationship. I think your friend Katie has got to be fairly naive to think that there is nothing going on with her BF and the mother of his child.

And for a guy, who at 41, has never been married to suddenly start talking about marriage after 3 months...sounds like he's just dangling a carrot to keep Katie around. It's a shame for her though that she doesn't realise that he's probably 'dangling his carrot' ;) somewhere else too :juggle: