My husband and I have been together for 9 years.... married for 1.5 years. (as you can see, I'm a patient girl!) There is one thing about me that I've always known.... I have VERY strong urges to be a mother. I've been ready to have a baby since I was 19, at least emotionally and physically (certainly not financially... although that part has finally changed.) Of course I have just been supressing these feelings - but they are starting to bubble over....

My problem? I know my husband isn't ready. He's always one to be nervous about big life changes.... (going to law school, getting engaged, getting married...) but once the "big event" happens, he's fine, and afterwards realizes its not as scary as he thinks, and is in fact very happy with everything. I've learned to be very patient with him, and it has always paid off (because obviously, you can not pressure another person into something they are not ready for!!) He's a wonderful, caring man, and he's a very good husband to me. He's a strict vegetarian, he's liberal, he works for a non-profit helping the poor every day... I really have a gem!! But my hormones are getting the best of me....

My biological clock is ticking.... LOUDLY. My co-workers all have had babies, and now THREE of my friends are pregnant.... I'm finding myself a wee bit jealous, an emotion I'm not used to, and not too proud of feeling. So I change the jealousy to feeling sad.... also not a good feeling. Then it becomes feeling anxious.... see the pattern?

I don't want to pressure my husband. I told him I'd like to have the "baby" talk, but that we'd have the talk in April - just a "talk" - not making a decision. I know this is definitely the right strategy - it respects his space and gives him time to prepare his thoughts, and it has long been the right way to go about things.

So... what I'm asking you guys is... I'm trying to keep myself from going nuts until then. Any ideas? Has anyone else felt this way? Please make me stop!!!! :-)

I have some idea what you're feeling. I've wanted to be a dad for years. When I was married it became clear to me that trying for a child in that situation was not a good idea. Now that I'm single again, it's hard seeing friends with their five year old - the pangs just tear me up. While I'm not too old to father a child, I'm probably too old to find a partner who would want to. So, I'm clearly not feeling exactly what you're feeling, but do have a sense of your jealousy, sadness, and anxiety.

While I'm not too old to father a child, I'm probably too old to find a partner who would want to.

Never say never, there are plenty of older women out there who would love to have children. Maybe they put their careers first and now is the time to settle down. Lot's of women are having kids in their 40s. On the other hand you could meet a woman in her 20s who doesn't want kids.

Seeing as you've been together for 9 years why don't you have the "baby talk" tonight, or the next earliest time you've got together....April seems like a long time to wait. :)

I think you are being very awesome to be so patient. I don't think I could have been if I were in your shoes! I don't think I have any advice for you. I'm going nuts just thinking about you going nuts. I have three grown children and I just know I do not think I would have handled this situation as well as you! Good luck. I guess April is not THAT far away. Maybe just keep really busy until then?

I have some idea what you're feeling. I've wanted to be a dad for years. When I was married it became clear to me that trying for a child in that situation was not a good idea. Now that I'm single again, it's hard seeing friends with their five year old - the pangs just tear me up. While I'm not too old to father a child, I'm probably too old to find a partner who would want to. So, I'm clearly not feeling exactly what you're feeling, but do have a sense of your jealousy, sadness, and anxiety.

Apology in advance to bstutzma for the temporary, brief OT :o

Anthony, as someone on the other side of the camp, I just want to respond a bit to your post. I have no desire to procreate, but I do like babies and other peoples' kids. Babies and children are usually crazy about me too. I can tell this is an issue that bothers you, man, and I just want to offer a bit of a different perspective, though you've probably definitely already considered it.
There are lots of women that already have babies, and children who don't have a father for them, because of circumstances, etc.
While it wouldn't be your own offspring, a father is someone who cares for, supports and is there for a child. I know this for a fact as I'm a product of a divorced marriage. My mom went through 2 husbands before she found her current husband, and subsequently I never felt like I had a father until she met my current stepdad. He stepped right in, and it felt right from the get-go. My folks split up when I was 12, and it wasn't until I was in my 20's that my Mom married my current (step)father. Trust me, time is transient. Having a male figure who cares about me, is willing to impart advice and assistance, have fun with me, etc. makes all the difference in the world. I love him as if he were my biological father, and I know he loves me and my sister (and her family) as if they were his own. It's never too late, Anthony. :)
I apologize again for the OT post, Anthony's post just struck something in me.

Bstutzma, I wish you the best. :) You'll be a great mom.

Brandon - nice post.

Bstutzma, - I agree with the others, I admire your patience. I know I would have had a hard time waiting as long as you did - though on the other hand I'm definitely NOT one to rush things either...

Not much advice, but just wishing you luck.

I'm impressed with your patience, also. Waiting 2 months just to TALK about it. Wow. I can understand where you're coming from with the baby hormones. I'm 24 which is most likely much younger than you considering how long you've been with your husband. I'm getting to the point where I really want a baby even though it is wildly unpractical at this point for financial reasons. I wanted to wait until we had a house but now I'm starting to feel like that is never going to happen until I'm too old to have children, so I'll settle for stable jobs with health insurance and the debt paid off. Anyway, whenever I see a baby or see baby clothes I have this twinge, it is quite annoying. I hope your husband comes around!

i suggest you prepare yourself for that talk as well. start to think about or research how you percieve yourself as a person now, how parenting will change your life (positively and negatively), and begin to gather information about pregnancy, prenatal development, early childhood development, and parenting skills. begin to paint a picture for yourself in regards to how you want to parent, and be open to his ideas, fears, and suggestions in this regard.

by communicating these things openly, you'll be better prepared to handle whatever comes your way.

oh, and my husband and i have talked about babies since we first started dating. we both knew/know that we wanted to be parents, and we've always discussed our feelings on the matter, the goals that we want to achieve before having one (such as having a house or whatever), and what we would do if we're 'too old' to give birth ourselves once we achieve those things that we consider necessary (adoption, in our case).

we both discuss on a regular basis how we feel about the process, where we are in our relationship, our work toward our goals, etc. We have both agreed that we now feel emotionally ready for children and that we're mature enough to care for them. We have only two more factors that we would like to fall into place, and we're working diligently on them. They should be 'in place' in the next two-five years, which gives me plenty of time to give birth to my own (and now we're considering adopting as well as that).

i don't know if this is at all helpful.

Wow everyone, thanks for your support.

Anthony, it is never too late. My youngest sister is 21 and she's dating someone who is 34... a much broader age gap than even necessary, but you get my drift. One of my friends had two children before she married her current husband. He fathered them a third child, and loves all three as his own. He is an amazing father. I know you will be too. For someone with as compassionate and kind a heart as you... any woman would consider herself lucky. I really feel for you too, I know the feelings you're facing. I hope that one day soon, some little boy or girl is lucky enough to call you father. Thank you so much for your post, it really touched me.

Brandon, your post was awesome too. :-) Obviously my friend with the three kids is just like your situation - I know they feel the same way about their father. A father can do so much.

karenlovessnow, don't worry, i'll try to cool it so i dont go too nuts!! I know my time is coming, I just have to have patience until then. Thanks for your support :-)

My husband and I have actually both talked "about" babies since we first started dating, really - we both want to have them, and we both think that two is the right number. Its not a question that he never wants kids, just that he's anxious about beginning that next phase of his own life. The question really, is when to start trying for them. We've spent most of our relationship practicing diligent birth control. Finally in my eyes, the time for that has come to it's end - its just a matter of seeing if he's ready there, too.

I've placed the idea in his head that we were going to discuss this in april, and for the last few weeks he's been AMAZINGLY sweet (doing extra chores without asking, going out of his way to make things easier for me, hehe.) I think he realizes what I'm feeling even though I've been trying hard not to express it - and I think that giving him the extra time to sort out his feelings before we have a "serious" talk about starting - I'm a little anxious about what he might say. if he's not ready, there is NO WAY i will pressure him - it's just not right.

Carblover, i know the feeling. I definitely had that feeling at 24 too!! Its just gotten worse with time, if you can imagine that! :-) Hang in there, hopefully you will get to mother a baby before you go too crazy ;-)


Zoebird, I will definitely do a lot of research beforehand. Actually I'm rather well prepared for pregnancy and the like, as my mother is a maternity nurse and many of my friends have already had children. I've read a lot on the subject too. I feel pretty comfortable around infants as well, where a lot of my single friends have really never changed a diaper!! I guess being the oldest of a large family has its advantages.

Anyway I just wanted to thank you all for your kind words. Wish me luck in hanging in there, and wish me luck for april!! :-)

Are you sure this "need" for a baby is really a hormonal thing? I suspect is based more on societal pressures, personal preference, and one's own expectation out of life.

I think that is really great of you to respect your husband's space on this issue and not pressuring him into a life changing event until he is really ready. You sound like a great wife to him!

i think it sounds like you're doing really well. i find that when i get over-excited or antsy about things, i tend to go into research because it's relatively harmless to outsiders and i learn something too. :) it wasn't to say that you didn't already know a lot, but it could give some of your energy some direction or an outlet. :)

i also think it's good that you're having a discussion about whether or not both of you are ready to consider having children. it might be good for you to think about how you can to go about 'trying' and talking about all the medical stuff that goes with it too. that could be another area to discuss, maybe later. My husband and I, for instance, have decided to forgo any forms of fertility tests or treatments if after two years of fertility charting AND trying, we don't end up with a pregnancy. We'll then transition into adopting children, which we've discussed a great deal.

We still both recognize that we're not in the position to 'begin trying' yet. but, in light of this, i've started to adopt a number of elements in my lifestyle that i want to have 'in place' before i'm pregnant so that during and after i feel more comfortable with certain behavoirs. For example, i really like the information from The Gentle Birth Method (http://www.gentlebirthmethod.com). The book outlines certain dietary restrictions that decrease discomforts during pregnancy and labor. Many women note a drastic reduction in labor pains when using the method, and many women who use it for their first pregnancy actually report little or no labor pains during the birth process. A lot of this is due to the dietary, movement, meditation, and massage techniques outlined in the book. So, in light of this, i've begun my transition to this diet in preparation for a pregnancy that may be 2 years away. And, it's because it's a large transition (the diet is gluten free!).

Along with that, i've changed my diet and lifestyle in certain ways to increase my fertility. I'm experimenting with yams, which increase ovulation, and i'm also consuming more EFAs. I'm learning mayan abdominal massage (http://arvigomassage.com)(self-care techniques) which help condition the uterus and abdomen. I've started experimenting with and adjusting my physical practices (yoga and various forms of exercise) and learning how to modify these practices (weight training, rock climbing, for example) so that i can do them while pregnant, throughout the pregnancy.

I'm doing things around the home too, all in preparation. A lot of people think it's weird or obcessive, but i think it's because i do want a baby, but since i can't have one now, i can turn that energy into something positive--rather than being restless and agitated because we can't have one now.

To the point of the social pressures, i used to largely think that women went through social pressures and gave in. That's because this was my experience until last week. last week, an alien entered my brain and said "ah, it would be so great to have a baby. you know, i'm fertile right now, we could have a baby in November-December! " and then the logical part of my brain said "what?!"

honestly, it was strange. i haven't ever really 'longed' for a baby in any overt sense, but long had a feeling that i wanted to be a parent and that perhaps i would be pretty good at it, no matter how i got the kid. I didn't want to let the social pressures of "when" i should have a kid color my own feeling of readiness. So, when people would try to use various social pressures, i would rather adeptly be able to explain why i wasn't ready, even though others might be or might have been.

I had been going along on this path with no trouble, when i was in the HFS going about my usual business. I looked at the community board (i always do), and i looked at the book section (like always) and then i went to buy my bulk items (lentils and millet, coffee for my husband, and my tea). By the bulk items, there were a number of baby things--all natural cloth diapers, a baby food cookbook and things related, and cute baby clothes (organic and stuff). they had pictures of babies around, and then my whole being went "BABY!" and that's when the alien came in and started talking about babies.

I told my husband, and he started blanching and talking about emergency contraception. My logical brain fought with that weird part of my brain that said i could fix the charts--but i dont' believe in tricking. My husband figures that there is a clock somewhere in my body--and i compared myself to the crocodile in peter pan. LOL

Anyway, crisis averted, i've decided that now that i feel *really ready* i better start acting like it, even if i have a while to experiment and get things into place before pregnancy. I'm focusing my energy on work mostly (because it needs that energy), and then focusing on the small lifestyle changes that i can make to prep for pregnancy, birth, and parenting. It's helping me 'deal with' the sort of nervous excitment/energy that i have in regards to it.

if anyone knows how to expel the alien, i would be obliged.

Bigdufstuff - I don't know if its hormonal - and I'm sure for some people, there are societal and other influences... but for many people, I think its a matter of INSTINCT (yes, one of those few we haven't managed to entirely trim off!!) Even Koko (the gorilla!) has expressed longings to be a mother - since she hasn't had a normal gorilla societal group, I would hardly say that its societal pressure making her want a baby!

Me neither. Its an URGE, a yearning. But its manageable I suppose. ;-) I love my husband too much not to respect his needs as much as my own. I'm hoping that, like in so many other parts of our life, we end up on the same page here soon.

Zoebird, I think you're doing all sorts of the right things to stave off the craziness! I might get some books but I don't want my husband to see them and freak. ;-) I'll definitely check into some of the items you mentioned... although there is no WAY I'm going to give up gluten!!! I love it too much! :-) I don't really mind pain, and I'm planning on using a midwife and having a natural birth. Women in my family actually usually have very easy births. <<knocks on wood!>>

that's cool.

my books don't freak my husband out. he knows i like to learn--and he's a book freak too. lol besides, how else are you supposed to prepare? duh. you have to learn somewhere.

i find that the most gluten i eat is in breads and the occassional cakes. i don't eat a lot of bread, and it's easy enough to find wheat-free versions. and, i can get wheat-free sweets too--the book talks about giving up all sweets (white sugar and stuff--no cookies, etc)--and that's the part that i struggle with. i'm getting better though. i'm working my way to sugar free now. it might only take a year i think. or not. maybe it never happens for me. LOL Anyway, these are the elements that i'm thinking about.

wow, you really are patient! if i wanted a baby as much as you seem too,there may have been an 'accident' by now...;)

Haha, beepingbird. I respect my husband too much to trick him into something like that. It wouldnt be fair to him, the baby, or me for that matter. When we get pregnant, I want him to be as happy as I am. :-)

*hanging in there hanging in there hanging in there* ;-) I've been thinking about the changes we'd have to make in our apartment, to plan best for the future. That's keeping my mind occupied :-)

So... what I'm asking you guys is... I'm trying to keep myself from going nuts until then. Any ideas? Has anyone else felt this way? Please make me stop!!!! :-)
I don't have any thoughts about how to deal with your feelings but...I'm so impressed with how you handle/approach your husband. You are so considerate. He sounds like a great guy as well (yes a gem). You both will be awesome parents!

wow, you really are patient! if i wanted a baby as much as you seem too,there may have been an 'accident' by now...;)

I really hope you are kidding.

Maybe you're simply feeling anxiety over the fact that the issue has been up in the air for 9 years. Why wait until April to talk?

The issue hasn't been up in the air - we both know we want kids. Its just a question of when. I think I'm gonna be ok. I'm planning things out, figuring out how I'm gonna talk to him, what I'm going to do to make our living arrangement work with a little one... etc. ;-) Deep breaths ;-)

April is almost here!!!! We're at the ides of march now ;-)

Just wanted to thank you all for helping me get out all I wanted to say a few weeks ago... it really took off a lot of the pressure I had been feeling.

April is almost here!!!! We're at the ides of march now ;-)
Today is Dee Snider's 50th birthday :worried:

I really hope you are kidding.
Of course i am :rolleyes:

Of course i am :rolleyes:

I didn't mean to insult you, but there are people that really think like that. Probably male and female too. "If he isn't giving me the baby I want, maybe I could go off birth control for a week." yikes!