Someone contacted me and asked that I post this so that they could remain anonymous...

My partner has absolutely zero interest in sex. We are in a long-term committed relationship, and this has been going on for several months. I have suggested to my partner that medical treatment may be in order, for depression or another problem that might be killing the libido, but my partner is totally, completely opposed to seeing a doctor about it or anything. If it were just about the physical, I could take care of myself, but I'm feeling really rejected and I'm really missing all of the intimacy that comes with making love to your life partner. We have five to ten minutes of mediocre sex every two or three weeks, and it's really making me sad. I don't know what to do. Ending the relationship isn't an option, I'm committed to this person for the long haul. Help?

It would be helpful to know the genders of the involved parties. :)

Sorry. The person who sent it to me is female, the other is male. No more clues!

If I were to attempt to diagnose your situation online, I would be inclined to say it is likely a depression issue. Especially seeing how he doesn't want to discuss it or deal with it. Does he recognize that it's an issue? Can you make him see that it's an issue for you, and that you need affection? Does he give you affection in other ways?

hmmm, that makes it a lot harder. :-/

I'd go and see a sex counsellor in this case. With or without the partner. The partner will probably eventually agree to go along anyway - he'll surely want to know what is being said about him!!!

It's like with marriage counselling. Sometimes it's enough for one of the two people to make the appointment, even if the other partner doesn't agree, and 9 times out of 10, the partner partner goes along as well.

More than likely, if your partner has developed a lowered libido, but there isn't a biological cause (which can easily be the case... ) he could be suffering from depression or low self-esteem. I've had female friends who've gone thruogh this before. Its absolutely devestating - you feel unattractive, unloved, unimportant, and unsatisfied! Worse than that, the guilt that the physical need has become so important as to become a serious issue - women aren't used to being the ones begging for sex and it can be embarassing. I was shocked when one of my friends almost broke up with her longterm boyfriend and later told me this was part of the cause. eventually though they managed to talk things through, but it wasn't pretty. they're doing ok now though.

The thing that makes it even harder, is that men are very unlikely to want to talk to you, or anyone else, about this. They wont talk to their friends out of pride, and wont bring it up with you out of shame. What have you said to him about it? I am so sorry you are going through this. ((((HUG))))

p.s. If you'd like to talk about this with me more in confidence, please PM me.

I was thinking there might be other issues. With a previous girlfriend, I sure was not interested in sex with her possessions tossed all over the house, food rotting in her room, and her understanding of my emotions being "when you get angry it hurts me."

Whatever the cause is, the first step of the solution would almost have to be getting him to acknowledge the situation, talk about it (either with you, a therapist, or both), and become willing to work on a solution. I don't see how you can solve a problem like this without both partners at least marginally on board.

If this came on recently, I'd second the depression hypothesis. If that's the case, finding a root cause and treatment for the depression would be an important second step. OTOH, there's some possibility it could be simple boredom.

Short of seing a therapist, I recommend a book called Hot Monogamy by Patricia Love and Jo Robinson. Ideally, it's the sort of book that you both read, and you do the exercises together, but even if you're the only one reading it, I think it can be very helpful. Among other things, it teaches methods of approaching these kinds of issues with a reticent partner, as well as helping you understand what might be going on.

hmmm, that makes it a lot harder. :-/

The problem seems to be the opposite of that. :p

Here's an interesting article in Psychology Today regarding hypoactive sexual desire. I had it bookmarked because I have the same problem :)

http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1175/is_5_35/ai_92136178

I hope you find a solution.
I'm in the same situation, only I am the one with no libido. :(
Even so, I miss the intimacy too. It's confusing and sad to want something that at the same time seems to be something you are incapable of wanting.

Schoksa maybe you should read that article too. I'm the one with no desire as well. Only for me...sometimes I think if I never had sex again it would be fine :-/

Read your mind! Just finished reading it! It has some very good points and tips, but I/we've tried just about everything.
I feel the same though. Sometimes I can convince myself it's a blessing - no sex= no pregnancy, no std risk etc etc! Bummer for the b.f though.

Sometimes low sex drive is related to body image issues... I know this probably usually applies more to women, but I've heard it applying to men too... And that exercise can be something good to try and counteract this (and depression in general too).. exercise makes people happier, feel better about themselves/body image & I think can increase sex drive...

Don't know if that's at all an issue here, but just thought I'd mention it :-)

Sometimes low sex drive is related to body image issues... I know this probably usually applies more to women, but I've heard it applying to men too... And that exercise can be something good to try and counteract this (and depression in general too).. exercise makes people happier, feel better about themselves/body image & I think can increase sex drive...

Don't know if that's at all an issue here, but just thought I'd mention it :-)


Definitely a good point. I just want to add that if and when he starts working out and exercising, you (the OP) need to be the one saying how great he looks.

My sister went through this with her husband and once he started working out and buying new clothes for his image.... he kind of got carried away with comments other women made to him. Certainly not saying this is your SO, but if he does make the effort, he needs to know that you are sexually attracted to him and not just sexually frustrated. Hope this made sense. I'm not trying to offend. It's just that no one has brought up the other woman scenario. -- My sister and BIL worked through their problem and they are both stronger and more committed. (She put their house up for sale - so that he knew she was serious) Anyway now it is 2 years later. There is no cheating or excessive flirting and they are actually on a carribean cruise right now as we "type".

My first reaction is that is depression as well. Perhaps something is going on at work that is really stressing him out? If he's like my DH, he keeps it all his stress to himself but I know he's stressed because of his behavior. It takes my DH a long time to finally be able to talk about what is bothering him.

I would be patient and loving as possible. I can tell by reading the post that are already are that way. Perhaps it helps reading the other posts that other women have gone through this situation, too.

I really don't have any advice except that sometimes when I can tell my DH is bothered by something and keeping it inside, it's easier for him to talk when it's late at night. I think we all feel more open in the middle of the night, for whatever reason.

Or maybe some sort of new activity as a couple would get some intimacy going? Tantra yoga????

Keep on loving him, and I wish you all the best is solving this. In the meantime, well, umm, keep yourself entertained.

If 25% of the population has a low sex drive, then why is this assumed to be a disorder? Perhaps it is just normal variation within humans. I have a low sex drive, regardless of whether I'm on the pill, regardless of who I'm with or what's going on in my life. My ex would always rag on me about it, telling me I need to go to a doctor and get "fixed." I went to a doctor, physically there's nothing wrong. I just ended up feeling bad about myself and that made the problem worse. I think the problem with how we face the issue of sex drive compatibility is it's always framed as, the person with the low sex drive is messed up, let's try to figure out ways to fix them. Having a low sex drive is unequivocably WRONG, having a high sex drive is unoquivocably RIGHT. The low sex drive person is made to feel like crap, which is the last thing that is going to make them want to have sex.

My suggestion is to be patient and to find other forms of intimacy than intercourse. I think another problem in our society (which the article mentioned) is we focus almost entirely on penis-vagina sex. Personally, I rarely get much out of penis-vagina sex, which is why my desire for it is rather spotty. Enjoy other kinds of intimacy for their own sake, not just as foreplay. Maybe that will lead to more, maybe it won't. Ultimately you either have to learn to accept your partner or find someone else.

yea but always having a low sex drive is different than having a high one then dipping to a low one. I used to have a really high sex drive, and I hate that it's the way it is. But I don't know what to do about it.

my two cents---communication--i think these two people need to talk--and if needed maybe get some professional help.

peace and love

jenn:pibo:

Jenni, sometimes talking isn't enough. Men aren't always as good as women at talking through their feelings - especially when society tells them they should be horny men and he knows he's leaving his partner unsatisfied. He possibly is fearful of sexual contact because since he's having libido problems, he's fearful he wont be able to finish what he's started... which is devestating for men. There isn't a good solution. SOmeone posted an article, I read it through and it seemed very good. The problem here is patience. You really need to just compliment him a lot, tell him how nice he looks (not just how sexy he looks, but a little of that once in a while too....) this has probably become a hot-button issue with you guys by now and he's probably going to be fearful your compliments might be a new way of asking for sex - so give them at first with no strings attached, just as a self-esteem booster. Of course, talking and communication are critical, but at least even according to this article, many men will not benefit from counseling on this subject. It really seems like it should be a sense of intimacy, not sexuality - to bring him back to you physically.

Unless, of course, there is a medical cause, in which case a doctor can prescribe him medication which could help. But if he's able to masturbate or gets "excited" while hugging you but then says "no no, i'm not in the mood" then it's probably an emotional problem affecting his performance, not a physical problem.

GOod luck to you (((HUG)))

If 25% of the population has a low sex drive, then why is this assumed to be a disorder? Perhaps it is just normal variation within humans. I have a low sex drive, regardless of whether I'm on the pill, regardless of who I'm with or what's going on in my life. My ex would always rag on me about it, telling me I need to go to a doctor and get "fixed." I went to a doctor, physically there's nothing wrong. I just ended up feeling bad about myself and that made the problem worse. I think the problem with how we face the issue of sex drive compatibility is it's always framed as, the person with the low sex drive is messed up, let's try to figure out ways to fix them. Having a low sex drive is unequivocably WRONG, having a high sex drive is unoquivocably RIGHT. The low sex drive person is made to feel like crap, which is the last thing that is going to make them want to have sex.

My suggestion is to be patient and to find other forms of intimacy than intercourse. I think another problem in our society (which the article mentioned) is we focus almost entirely on penis-vagina sex. Personally, I rarely get much out of penis-vagina sex, which is why my desire for it is rather spotty. Enjoy other kinds of intimacy for their own sake, not just as foreplay. Maybe that will lead to more, maybe it won't. Ultimately you either have to learn to accept your partner or find someone else.

I just wanted to say I think this is an excellent point you are making and something we don't hear very often. I've often wondered why we consider sexual intimacy the only or the most satisfying form of relational intimacy. I think it is just a normal variation of human-ness. But I think sexuality does tend to get deified...in movies, in media. And that people with low sexual desire are seen as being 'messed up.' And that at least in Western Society, perhaps for lack of anything better/more fulfilling to do besides a weekend trip to home-depot and a repainting of the kitchen, we have become rather sex-obsessed.

I just wanted to say I think this is an excellent point you are making and something we don't hear very often. I've often wondered why we consider sexual intimacy the only or the most satisfying form of relational intimacy. I think it is just a normal variation of human-ness. But I think sexuality does tend to get deified...in movies, in media. And that people with low sexual desire are seen as being 'messed up.' And that at least in Western Society, perhaps for lack of anything better/more fulfilling to do besides a weekend trip to home-depot and a repainting of the kitchen, we have become rather sex-obsessed.

I agree that in general this is an excellent point, Bethanie, but one thing is being "sex obsessed" and another is just wanting to express oneself sexually with one's partner... its a natural and normal part of a relationship, and can be incredibly painful to be rejected over and over again by someone you love. And confusing, especially if everything else in the relationship seems fine.... it becomes like a dark little secret that no one wants to talk about. Hence, how the OP didn't even post this thread herself. I really feel for her :-( I hope when she reads this, and reads all our advice, remembers that this is NOT her fault, and she NEEDN'T feel ashamed about it, that her feelings ARE very valid, and that we are here to talk about when she needs to.

Sex IS important. Of course there are other types of intimacy too, but people in "Sexless marriages" (sex less than 10 times a year) who are unhappy with that frequency suffer in ways that we might find really hard to understand. The OP is not talking about how much sex she thinks society tells her she should get, but how much SHE feels she needs to have a healthy intimate relationship with her partner. I do agree that we are a sex-obsessed nation sometimes but the discussion of how that affects us as a society and at different stages of our relationships should perhaps take place in a different thread ;-)

I agree with what you are saying. I think it's a difficult thing all the way around. But, I think one of the reasons it is so difficult is because we keep pushing this picture perfect idea of 'normal relationship' on people. House, family, sex X number of times a week, etc. So we live in these outer pictures of what is normal and hide the inner picture, which we've labeled as 'abnormal.' And since there is something 'wrong' with how things are in this particular relationship, we don't talk about it because we're wrong for feeling this way. I think particularly men feel a pressure to be a certain way sexually. And when they aren't this way (like other men), it's nearly impossible to talk about. What if we told men this way of being was okay, rather than telling them it was wrong for them to be this way in the first place, and really they needed to do something about it.

But I do agree it is a difficult situation for both people.

B

I have sex about every 1-1/2 months. I used to have it every day. Surely that decline is far from normal...whatever normal is.