Over Christmas break, my best friend Kevin admitted to me that he was gay. I was the first person that he came out to, and to my knowledge he had no immediate plans to open up to anyone else. I was very supportive, gave him what advice & good vibes I could from a distance (I was already at home in Georgia when he told me, and as he lives in Pennsylvania, I couldn't literally be there for him). A few weeks past, we came back to school, and I made my first mistake by telling my roommate & another friend that he had come out to me. I realize now that this was definitely the wrong thing to do, but I really didn't have malicious intentions. My rm and the mutual friend and I had spoken many times before the break about Kevin's strange behavior and had speculated that he could possibly be gay. We were all very worried about him, as he appeared incredibly depressed and just not quite himself, so when we got back I wanted to make sure that their fears were put to rest. I trusted them completely, and never imagined that either of them could ever tell anyone else. So I told them.

A few weeks passed before I made mistake number two (the big one). My roommate got into a relationship with a violist that Kevin had always been pretty friendly with. One night, Kevin came online and told me that he had fallen for this violist, and I (very stupidly) said, "Oh my god!," attracting my roommate's attention. She knew that I was talking to him, and she asked me what had happened... and I told her. BIG mistake, as I knew as soon as I said it. A few days later, she went to this violist and explained the situation to him, saying that it made her feel uncomfortable to have him spending so much time with Kevin in light of the situation. She also asked for advice from a couple of friends, who of course then each told a few people, and everything got out.

I'm having trouble understanding why she would have done something like that... We are very close, and I can't make myself believe that she would have done it maliciously -- I just think that she did not consider the consequences, just as I did. I can't bring it up to her, as it would be tremendously hypocritical for me to accuse her of anything given the situation.

Anyway, when Kevin found out that people somehow knew that he was gay, he obviously realized that I must have told someone, and (infuriated) avoided me for three days. Last week, I finally got him to tell me what was wrong, and we had a long talk. I explained my actions and told him that I felt horrible... as I do.

I still can't make myself believe that I forced my best friend to come out on terms other than his own. He says that he forgives me, and I believe him (whether or not I deserve it), but we haven't really spoken since our heart-to-heart last week and I'm not sure how/when to approach him. Things are extremely awkward and I'm not sure what to do. Please help!

Since the two of you are best friends, I'm sure you'll work it out. And maybe this will keep you from sharing information that isn't yours to share in the future. You did deeply betray his trust, though, so it may take a while for the two of you to go back to the level you were on before. There is a possibilty that you damaged the friendship, but I doubt he'd say that he forgave you if there was no hope of repair.

I was actually the last to know when my best friend came out. I think he thought it was a non-issue with me, and it was.

The thing I don't understand is why your roommate would be uncomfortable with the violist spending time with your friend... it's not like homosexuality is contagious. What could she possibly be worried about?

I hope that you're right, Mskedi. It sounds cliche, but I have definitely learned from the situation -- I just hope that I get an opportunity to prove it to him.

Regarding my roommate, I feel exactly the same way. I think that she was being very unreasonable, and though I've tried to figure out where she was coming from I just can't see why she felt compelled to warn this boy about Kevin's homosexuality. It's not my place to bring it up, but I want her to at least reconsider her motivation in telling the violist. I have a feeling that there is some underlying insecurity or something that she should probably address.

I'm really just rambling now. Thank you for your advice, Mskedi.

Don't beat yourself up over it -- sounds like you had (and continue to have) only the best of intentions. I'm sure things will be okay with time.

Don't blame your roomate. No, she shouldn't have said anything, yes, she is being unreasonable... that's why we are careful as to whom we come out to. However, it was not her obligation to keep quiet - it was yours. Even in this day and age, it's hard to be out, and it is impossible to determine how our friends/family will react.

I'm sure your friend doesn't think that you outed him maliciously, but you did do it without thinking, which was careless. You shouldn't be careless about a friend's feelings.

I think she understands that, Jennifer N. That's why she feels so bad about it.

If things are still awkward, maybe make some time for the two of you to spend together just doing something fun and getting back into the swing of things?

Well, if it's been a week since you've spoken to him, maybe it's time to contact him and see how things go, assuming you speak to him on a regular basis anyway. Since you were the one who did the "wronging", so to speak, you should probably be the one to try and set things right. I would start with contacting him and then seeing how he responds. You can take it from there.

It's an easy mistake to make, telling a secret of one friend who trusts you, to another friend who you also trust. Well, mistake is not really the right word, if someone tells a large secret, sometimes it's to much for you as well.
Most of the times, there won't be a problem, but obviously, not this time. I don't think it's hypocritical to talk to your roommate about it, she put you in a difficult position, although it's not really all her fault either. I hope everything works out fine with your friend. Maybe it's best to just start talking to your friend, and hopefully you'll get over the awkwardness. Good luck!