Ok so for the past 3 years I've only had serious relationships with vegetarians. I didn't do this on purpose, it's just the way it turned out. About 2 months ago I started dating a new guy, Andy, who eats meat.

He doesn't pressure me to have it or ask me stupid questions and he even read Peter Singer's Writings on an Ethical Life book when I loaned it to him. After reading this he commented to me that he planned on only buying organic meat from then on. That's all he really said about it and I didn't respond in any way for fear I will look like I'm manipulating him. I wonder if maybe he only said that to gain my approval. I wish he would give it up completely, but I think that's far fetched. He has asked me what I know about "organic" standards and I said that they really aren't what they claim them to be and they really aren't good enough.

He continues to order meat dishes in front of me at restaurants. Apparently he doesn't care or think that the meat he orders is NOT organic. And he doesn't think that maybe I might be bothered by seeing the meat on his plate and going into his mouth which is the same mouth I kiss all the time. Blah. Ick. Yuck. I find it almost intolerable to bear this. But is it fair of me to expect him to only eat it when I'm not around? I don't know how to talk to him about this without him feeling like I'm set out to change him for my own wishes.

And I can't stand to think of maybe someday if I ever lived with him, because I would open up the freezer and find bags of frozen dead chicken pieces. Organic or not, I don't care. I think I'd probably lose control, throw them out or return them to the store and bitch him out later.

So I guess, is it fair of me to expect him to keep it away from me? How do I talk to him about this so that he won't feel manipulated? I can't just sit there and swallow my disgust and attempt to turn off my feelings for him. I refuse to just shut myself down and tune it out so I don't feel anything about it. I shouldn't have to become more like him. Any guidance please?

:spew:

. I shouldn't have to become more like him.
:spew:


And he shouldn't have to become more like you. You just answered your own question. If it's that hard for you, then just move on. I live with an omni and got over it real quick. There are more important things to worry about imo.

Yeah, I kinda agree with Vggiegirl, you either have to A. stick it out, and see if you feelings toward his meat-eating change, or B. break up with him if you really can't handle it. Neither of you should have to change for the other one, so if you truly feel that you can't live the rest of your life with meat in your freezer, then get out now. Otherwise, stick around and see if he changes, or if your tolerance increases.

Good luck!

Yup, if it is too hard for you, then find someone who is a veggie.

Because, this is not about what the chances are of him changing, it is about whether or not you can deal with him as he is. Yes, there is a chance that he will quit eating meat when he is ready to, but there is a much bigger chance that he will always eat meat. Now, of course there are other factors like how often and how much meat he eats (I suspect lots) and he may have other characteristics which out weigh his meat eating, but that is for you to evaluate.

I too would find it digusting to watch a girl friend eat meat in front of me. Maybe your tolerance will improve. But, to me it would be like watching someone pick their nose:spew: in front of me - always disgusting.

And he shouldn't have to become more like you. You just answered your own question. If it's that hard for you, then just move on. I live with an omni and got over it real quick. There are more important things to worry about imo.


I couldn't say it better myself.

It's not a good idea to constantly be wanting the person you're with to change. It's frustrating to all people involved.

Otherwise, stick around and see if he changes, or if your tolerance increases.

Good luck!


Well, seeing as though I've been a veggie for almost 10 years, I have found that my tolerance is usually about at the same level all the time, and the only way I can curtail it is to consciously tune it out. I tune out the advertisements and the talk and sight and sound of meat-eating. I consciously practice self-control tactics to battle the frustration that comes with people's annoying questions. I guess I feel like it's more of a challenge when it is is someone I'm attracted to. He's attractive right up until he stabs the beef with the fork. Then it's all over. :-/

Because, this is not about what the chances are of him changing, it is about whether or not you can deal with him as he is. Yes, there is a chance that he will quit eating meat when he is ready to, but there is a much bigger chance that he will always eat meat. Now, of course there are other factors like how often and how much meat he eats (I suspect lots) and he may have other characteristics which out weigh his meat eating, but that is for you to evaluate.

I too would find it digusting to watch a girl friend eat meat in front of me. Maybe your tolerance will improve. But, to me it would be like watching someone pick their nose:spew: in front of me - always disgusting.

Do you think it's unfair of me to want him to at least *decrease* his meat consumption when it's in front of me? I really don't mind at all if he goes home to his apartment and cooks up a big huge piece of chicken or something. I just wish he wouldn't freely order things like that in front of me. Is that too much to ask? I can tolerate the fact he eats it (he says he does eat less now than he used to, probably since we cook together a lot and I usually choose the menu). But I don't know if I need to experience it with him.

Isn't it a lot like asking someone not to fart or pick their nose in front of you?

How do you deal with a sig.other willingly eating it in front of you?

oh yea,.. I have found that some people (not my bf) actually apologize for ordering it in front of me, especially if I don't know them that well or if they have recently discovered my preferences. I don't care if strangers order it so much, but I care more if my bf does.

>>Do you think it's unfair of me to want him to at least *decrease* his meat consumption when it's in front of me?>>

Well, what did he say when you asked him?

ebola

>>Do you think it's unfair of me to want him to at least *decrease* his meat consumption when it's in front of me?>>

Well, what did he say when you asked him?

ebola


I didn't yet. I can't decide if I should or not. What if he gets all offended and feels manipulated? :-/

You knew when you started seeing him that he ate meat, so no it's not fair to ask him to quit when he is around you. This is something you should have thought about before dating him, ask yourself if you really like him and are willing to accept this...if not, move on and do not try to change him.

PS: I feel as if I didn't help much :( so I just wanted to add that I think you are probably use to not having to deal with your boyfriends eating meat in front of you, but you will probably gain tolerance for it. My parents and boyfriend both eat meat, and it doesn't bug me anymore as long as they respect my vegetarianism.

I think you are probably use to not having to deal with your boyfriends eating meat in front of you, but you will probably gain tolerance for it. My parents and boyfriend both eat meat, and it doesn't bug me anymore as long as they respect my vegetarianism.

Yea you're probably right. Thanks for all the advice everyone, and I certainly welcome more! I guess I didn't expect to be as disgusted as I turned out to be. Oh well. Yea, I'm used to having veggie bf's. I suppose if I suspect that he might get offended and hurt, he probably will.

Sometimes I go on little rants related to vegetarianism that don't involve him at all, and he just quietly supports me without arguing. He's definately a nice guy. Maybe I'll just continue to encourage his questioning and wondering about the topic since he's really new to it. Peter Singer's book seems to have made at least a small impression on him that maybe could grow :)

I agree with the advice above -- if he changes at all it needs to be on his terms and in his own time. Trust me -- I have tried to change people and asked them to make "little" adjustments to their behavior in the context of romantic relationships before. IT DOES NOT WORK and totally sabotages a relationship. So -- just don't even go there, for the sanity of everyone involved. :)

I really take the opposite perspective.
Basically, people don't know they are doing things that bother others (in any reliable fashion) unless they are told so. You could say something like, "It's not anything you've done wrong, but I do find it somewhat unpleasant when you eat meat around me. I'd be grateful if you did it less often..." I think people do compromise and make minor adjustments to each other.

Then again, I probably lack the relationship experience or common sense to be giving advice in the first place.

ebola

You can ask anything.
Just be prepared to be told no.

Do you think it's unfair of me to want him to at least *decrease* his meat consumption when it's in front of me? I really don't mind at all if he goes home to his apartment and cooks up a big huge piece of chicken or something. I just wish he wouldn't freely order things like that in front of me. Is that too much to ask? I can tolerate the fact he eats it (he says he does eat less now than he used to, probably since we cook together a lot and I usually choose the menu). But I don't know if I need to experience it with him.


Since you're choosing the menu when you cook together, I think the two of you have already made a compromise. Personally, I think it would be totally out of line to ask him not to eat meat around you. You can not kiss him until he brushes his teeth or something, but to try to control what he eats just sounds mean.

Just my opinion.

Success!

Well we went out to dinner again tonight. (He did order a gyro thing, but I looked away like usual). The whole night he could kind of smell that I was feeling irritable and holding back sort of. I've been having not so good days anyway. He started talking to me about how I should open up to him and I can tell him anything and don't worry and all this stuff. I avoided it for a while and told him everything was fine, but then when we got to my apartment afterwards we started talking about a few things. I didn't mean to specifically bring up the meat thing, but we talked about past relationship stuff again like we have been.

Somehow I finally, for some reason, said, "I don't think I can live in a house with meat in it." He pondered for like 1 second, and said something like "honey, don't worry, that won't be an issue." And he went on to explain that he probably could keep it away from me cause he understands it's a belief system thing, and not just a diet thing. He said don't worry, that's totally understandable. He even acted that way about potential kids too. (yea I know, rushing into this relationship).

So I at least now have some reassurance that maybe he'll be less stubborn than I originially thought. I think most of it was in the way I said it. I based it around me. *I* don't think *I* can live with meat in the house. Instead of making it sound like all focused on him or something being wrong with him. That definately helped.

I did briefly find myself commenting on the eating meat in front of me thing. Again, I based it on myself and tried to make analogies he could understand. This didn't seem to be a big deal to him either. And I kept reiterating how I was afraid he'd feel controlled, etc. etc. He kept saying not to worry and that he never has felt manipulated by me and he appeciates that. I'm a lot less controlling than his last gf, who was apparently pretty abusive, so by comparison I look good!

So even if I planned not to talk about it, it still had a happy ending. Yay!

Sounds like you're dealing with a pretty good guy. :)

You can ask anything.
Just be prepared to be told no.

And there's a limit to the number of times the other person says "No" before they just get totally miffed and start avoiding you.

I just went through a similar situation. My husband, who was a vegetarian when we met, is now eating meat again. He began doing this about a year and a half ago and I was devistated, but we had an agreement that he'd never eat it in front of me and never bring it into the house. Last week he brought home something with meat in it when I was supposed to be out and we had a huge fight. Things are OK now. It's all on the thread if you want to read it all:

http://www.veggieboards.com/boards/showthread.php?p=1150668#post1150668

I'm glad everything worked out for you! I had a longer post before I saw your happy ending one. Maybe eventually he'll give it up completely, but it's really cool that he's willing to compromise and he's respecting your choices.

if hes eating organic meat at least he's TRYING. my boyfriend ate meat for about 7 of the months i've been seeing him, and i mean bacon in the morning, burgers for lunch and chicken for dinner. I didnt like it but I lived with it because I loved him, he doesn't bug me about my diet, I don't bug him about his. Nobody is going to be uber super perfect for you, but when someone is actually trying to make it easier on you, you should be apreciative.

theres always the chance he'll get up one day and stop eating it like my bf did. haha.

really, if you can't stand it leave him, otherwise just deal. what does your diet have to do with how you feel about someone?

Success!

Well we went out to dinner again tonight. (He did order a gyro thing, but I looked away like usual). The whole night he could kind of smell that I was feeling irritable and holding back sort of. I've been having not so good days anyway. He started talking to me about how I should open up to him and I can tell him anything and don't worry and all this stuff. I avoided it for a while and told him everything was fine, but then when we got to my apartment afterwards we started talking about a few things. I didn't mean to specifically bring up the meat thing, but we talked about past relationship stuff again like we have been.

Somehow I finally, for some reason, said, "I don't think I can live in a house with meat in it." He pondered for like 1 second, and said something like "honey, don't worry, that won't be an issue." And he went on to explain that he probably could keep it away from me cause he understands it's a belief system thing, and not just a diet thing. He said don't worry, that's totally understandable. He even acted that way about potential kids too. (yea I know, rushing into this relationship).

So I at least now have some reassurance that maybe he'll be less stubborn than I originially thought. I think most of it was in the way I said it. I based it around me. *I* don't think *I* can live with meat in the house. Instead of making it sound like all focused on him or something being wrong with him. That definately helped.

I did briefly find myself commenting on the eating meat in front of me thing. Again, I based it on myself and tried to make analogies he could understand. This didn't seem to be a big deal to him either. And I kept reiterating how I was afraid he'd feel controlled, etc. etc. He kept saying not to worry and that he never has felt manipulated by me and he appeciates that. I'm a lot less controlling than his last gf, who was apparently pretty abusive, so by comparison I look good!

So even if I planned not to talk about it, it still had a happy ending. Yay!
Good for you! You seem to be very respectful of his feelings and he seems caring as well. My husband is an omni and in the beginning he used to order meat in front of me but that never happens now (we don't keep meat in the house). If he does eat meat I have no idea when it ocurrs although it does bother me a bit that we don't share the same feelings about the subject...though maybe that's changing for him as well. People grow on each other so who knows how he'll feel in the future.

Sounds like things are working out well for you. Communication is great! :up: I was going to say before that everyone has some differences in how much meat eating they can tolerate in their presense. I don't think it is/was unreasonable for you to say something... it's better than the alternative of keeping your mouth shut and letting it build until it resulted in the ruination of your relationship. He sounds like a good guy, and that would have been a shame. Good luck!

Call me a pessimist, but while he sounds supportive and willing to compromise now, he may feel differently whe he starts to realize that he'll be expected to abstain from meat for every meal he eats with you from now on. Unless he is genuinely interested in going veg himself, that may very well be too much to ask.

My compromise with my meater BF (we've been together for 10 years and I've been veg for 1) is that the house is meat-free. I enforce that by taking charge of all meal planning and grocery shopping. He eats what he wants when we're out, but if he eats meat, he has to pick up the dinner tab. If he eats veg, I'll pay. And of course, he eats meat when he's on his own.

Tess, I think that is a great compromise.:yes:

Yes he's definately a wonderful guy, I think I may be falling luv with him, yikes! He has already started to say "I love you" which freaks me out but it's also exciting. Fun and scary at the same time.

Last weekend we went to Panera Bread for dinner and there's only like 2 vegetarian sandwhiches on their menu. I always order their Portebella Mushroom panini sandwhich. I didn't expect he would order one of the veggie ones, but since he hates mushrooms with a passion, so he ordered the more bland, boring veg sandwhich on regular bun bread. Well, it didn't fill him up and he was still hungry when it was gone! :( :( :( I felt really bad about it, like it was my fault he had to go hungry. I didn't want that to happen so I hope he doesn't go hungry on purpose just for me.

But last night we ended up going to another sub sandwhich place after seeing the Vagina Monologues, and we ordered 2 of the vegetarian ones again, but this time, they accidently put turkey on instead of cheese. When I saw that, I of course went straight to the counter and had them make a new one. He sat there looking kind of confused as to what to do. He might have been debating in his mind if he should also do that or not. He didn't. He sat there at the table, and he ate the turkey one. I was kind of happy actually because I don't want him to start doing things out of guilt. Neither of us mentioned it and I was glad not to have to get into another conversation about it.