No.

I weighed myself yesterday morning "71.8" lbs.
That made me so upset and concerned and annoyed and frustrated and yet happy and ugh somanyemotionsatonce.
So twice yesterday, I binged.
And this morning, I binged again.

Yesterday binging #1 was kind of just 'overindulging', instead of a real meal I had lots of little nibbles. #2 was accidently eating too much at dinner (a couple bites too many).

This morning's binge? No ****ing accident, really. I knew what I was doing, I suppose.
I was hungry at first, but I should've stopped after the sandwich.

Here is what went down my throat in one sitting
(slightly less than 2 hours, I even took a bathroom break,
and I was even still binging as I started to type this ****ing entry, wtf.)

..and sadly, stayed there since I don't/can't/won't purge and will not overexercise again.

Binge List (8:00 AM - 10:00 AM):

(this was all one big sandwich..this was not a binge..this was my breakfast. but I'm listing it anyway because it shows that what happened aftewards was not from hunger...it was a real ****ing bonefide uncalled for, unplanned for, out of control binge.)

*two slices 9 grain bread
*one egg yolk (from an extra large size egg)
*leftover pasta + sauce from last night's dinner
*slab of baked marinated tofu
*chunks of tempeh
That is where I should've stopped.
(aprox 1200 calories)
---
Less than one minute after the breakfast sandwich (in no particular order):
*4 mini hershey candies (2 dark, 1 mr. goodbar, 1 milk)
*1 yoplait custard style raspberry yogurt
*2 choc. covered marachino cherries
*half of 1 choc. covered dried pear
*1 big tootsie roll pop
*1 mini tootsie roll pop
*1 mini tootsie roll
*1 mini milkyway
*1 mini snickers
*5 lifesaver gummies
*10 choc covered peanuts
*several maple coated nuts
*1 funsize 100grand bar
*3 whopper balls
*1 funsize white airhead
*1 pecan caramel chocolate cluster
*1 funsize take5 bar
*1 indivudal now-and-later
*1 indivudal sweet tart
*8 candy corns
(aprox 1900 calories)
Um...I think that's it, but I can't be sure.

So it's 10:00 AM and I've already had aprox 3100 calories.

The sickest part is, I enjoyed it.
I actually kind of like binging.
Well, I don't like feeling SICK afterwards or guilty....and I don't like the weight that no doubt I will gain from it...and I don't eating when I'm full and not hungry...

but I like stuffing all that crap into my mouth and just mindlessly chewing.
Eating without thinking is NICE. Because I ALWAYS THINK WHEN I EAT. About calories, about full/hunger, about food, about weight, about how I shouldn't be eating this, about how I am such a pig, about how I won't burn it off, about this and that and this and that.
But when I binge, I get to just chew and eat without analzying everysingle****ingdetail.

I don't know what to do anymore.
Obviously my "I'm never gonna binge again!" motto thing isn't working.
And I guess it's never going to work until I stop "thinking when I eat"...because otherwise I will always enjoy binging.....and it is too hard to stop what you enjoy.

However.
I will not weigh myself tomorrow, and I will not purge/overexercise.
And I will not weigh myself for another week/month. Not sure which yet.
Gonna try really hard not to binge. Even though I still kind of want to RIGHT NOW. *twitch*
(edit: i did binge more. : ( added the now and later, sweet tart, and candy corn to the list. great.)

I feel like I should be ashamed. I keep saying "never again" and then like two days later, there's another binge post.

You guys must hate me.
I do too.
>.<

I'm really scared. What if I really am a binge eater now?
What if I went from a diet, to anorexia/complusiveoverexericse, to 'recovery', to ed-nos, and now to COE?
It is like complusive overeating, whatever it is that I keep doing.
It is very complusive.

I just want to stuff everythingandanything into my mouth, it doesn't matter if I really want it or don't..because the truth is, I don't. I didn't really want any of the stuff I ate, except the yogurt and the 1st piece of chocolate. Afterwards, it was just about free mindless eating. Even though near the middle I had a sweet/sick stomachache, I just went the bathroom and CONTINUED.

wtf is wrong with me.
help me someone please i'm so scared.
this can't be happening to me, this cannot be me.

Now I'm thirsty.
I'm gonna drink water or something diet though, no more calories for me. (see! there i go again with the calories! **** it!!)

Wow.
It seems like your stomach doesn't get the message to your brain that it's full. That's a heck of a lot of food! a heck of a lot of sugar, too. Be careful you don't come down with diabetes.

Would it help to get out of the house after you know you've eaten enough for a meal? Just get away from any food you can, and try to not eat for an hour or two. Going for walks can help clear your brain...

Geez, not sure what to tell you. I've never known anyone who did that. Seems like trying to get your mind off eating, or if you feel the need to chew, maybe you should pick up a serious gum chewing habit, maybe that'll help your brain to think you're eating.

Wow, I know that wasn't your intention, but that made me feel terrible.
What you wrote really hurt me. I honestly don't understand how you could say that to anyone - let alone to *me* (an ED sufferer).

P.S. I already have a serious gum habit.
:cry:

Blue... forgive yourself. Normal eating includes eating because you are enjoying it. Sometimes normal eating includes being a little bit stuff because you ate too much. You are in recovery and you desparately need to gain weight. You're body is saying to you, "Finally, food! Please give me more!" Don't look at your binges as failures. Don't look at it as losing control. See it as part of the recovery process. You've starved for long enough- it's only natural to want to overcompensate for that. j

Shrug it off. When I first started recovering, I binged, too. It was because I was finally okay with eating. I was finally okay with actually fueling my body. Did it scare me? Yes. Did I cry? Definitely. Did I think I was going to suddenly be overweight? Absolutely. But I got over it. I realized that I needed it. Sometimes what I put in my mouth wasn't the healthiest. I certainly did have candy binges. But it's all part of learning. You are right now re-teaching yourself how to eat. You're going to probably do some things that you wouldn't normally do, including bingeing. But, please, PLEASE forgive yourself for it. You have food issues, so of course your actions are going to scare you. Just learn from the experience.

I've seen your posts on this board. You're doing marvelous! Don't let a few handfuls of candy let you down.

Blue... forgive yourself. Normal eating includes eating because you are enjoying it. Sometimes normal eating includes being a little bit stuff because you ate too much. You are in recovery and you desparately need to gain weight. You're body is saying to you, "Finally, food! Please give me more!" Don't look at your binges as failures. Don't look at it as losing control. See it as part of the recovery process. You've starved for long enough- it's only natural to want to overcompensate for that. j

Shrug it off. When I first started recovering, I binged, too. It was because I was finally okay with eating. I was finally okay with actually fueling my body. Did it scare me? Yes. Did I cry? Definitely. Did I think I was going to suddenly be overweight? Absolutely. But I got over it. I realized that I needed it. Sometimes what I put in my mouth wasn't the healthiest. I certainly did have candy binges. But it's all part of learning. You are right now re-teaching yourself how to eat. You're going to probably do some things that you wouldn't normally do, including bingeing. But, please, PLEASE forgive yourself for it. You have food issues, so of course your actions are going to scare you. Just learn from the experience.

I've seen your posts on this board. You're doing marvelous! Don't let a few handfuls of candy let you down.

I know what you mean, it's like I finally have the ultimate freedom so I am going completely overboard.

But "a few handfuls of candy", heh, I think that is way not even close to what I ate. :eek: :worried:

again, i recommend looking into the concept of food addiction. I recommend checking out Food Addicts Anonymous (http://www.foodaddictsanonymous.org), Food Addicts.Org (http://www.foodaddicts.org), and this book Why Can't I Stop Eating? : Recognizing, Understanding, and Overcoming Food Addiction (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1568383657/ref=pd_sbs_b_1/103-1615412-7437448?%5Fencoding=UTF8&v=glance&n=283155), by Debbie Danowski Ph.D. and Pedro Lazaro M.D. (while the book focuses on the issue of over-eating, binging is an aspect of this, even though you appear to be anorexic by your weight).

it appears to me that what 'triggers' a binge in you is not the mental stuff, but rather the biochemical reaction (addiction) that the body has to many of the foods that you listed (refined carbohydrates, sugar, caffine, etc). this information, with the assistance of your mental health practitioner and your doctors should help you recover.

again, i recommend looking into the concept of food addiction. I recommend checking out Food Addicts Anonymous (http://www.foodaddictsanonymous.org), Food Addicts.Org (http://www.foodaddicts.org), and this book Why Can't I Stop Eating? : Recognizing, Understanding, and Overcoming Food Addiction (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1568383657/ref=pd_sbs_b_1/103-1615412-7437448?%5Fencoding=UTF8&v=glance&n=283155), by Debbie Danowski Ph.D. and Pedro Lazaro M.D. (while the book focuses on the issue of over-eating, binging is an aspect of this, even though you appear to be anorexic by your weight).

it appears to me that what 'triggers' a binge in you is not the mental stuff, but rather the biochemical reaction (addiction) that the body has to many of the foods that you listed (refined carbohydrates, sugar, caffine, etc). this information, with the assistance of your mental health practitioner and your doctors should help you recover.

thankyou, zoebird..but it is definitely the mental stuff that triggers the binge(s).
I have binged on fruits and vegetables, believe it or not, before.

I know how hard this is (I have/deal with eating issues too).

I just constantly try to remind myself that what's done is over, through, finished. We can't change the past. I know it's hard, but try to see this as a learning experience. I've read your posts and you are doing so much better! :)

Blue, poor lovely blue :shy:

Firstly, relax. Not just sort of relax. But REALLY relax. Because its hard to concentrate or think about anything else when you're still freakin out about a binge.
It is O.....K!!! Honestly.
You are underweight. You need to eat. A lot. To be able to get back to survival weight. Honestly. I know you don't believe it. I remember freaking out about gaining a pound...when I was on such a low weight that I can't even type it without extreme shame. teehee. So the weight...is a good thing. Even though I know EXACTLY how you feel. And how you feel when you gain. And everything.
Honey, I swear I've been there ok? :D So don't worry about the weight.
ANd that aside, I know what you're worried about is this continuing forever. Once your up to normal weight. Once you pass normal weight.
It won't.
I had the same fear. It was like "if everythings ok and I let myself go...what if I can't get back to self control..at all? ever?? " and I remember at the time, thinking this was WORSE than A.N.!!
But its honestly just like when we got our kitten. eheh. (aww kitten. love the kitten). The first two days i SKIPPED WORK?! because it was so nice, having him there and because I was enthralled by it all and everything. Thats not good I know and I knew at the time. But the next day after that, while the kitten was still awesome...I went to work anyway. Because I knew he'd be there when I got home . And coz something in me just knew I had to work.
Its the same, with eating after A.N., for a lot of people anyway.
You want to eat everything, because its 'legal' and a novelty and that kind of thing. And while eating will still be fun (its wonderful. good food makes you FEEL GOOD because you're body LOVES YOU!) ...your life WILL regain its balance. And you'll get used to the feeling that you can eat what you want when you want and recovery won't "be gone" when you get home. You know? I hope this makes sense. Cause your post struck a cord with me, as I'm sure it did with anyone who's gone through this.
I just wanted to reassure you that you'll be ok. And it will settle down, just because thats what it does. And not to worry about the weight WHILE it settles down because you know you need it.
k?
keep going, honey you're doing great.

Sorry, I haven't read any of your previous posts so I don't know your history. I hope you're getting professional advice / assistance. EDs are very tricky, like all psychological disorders.

The only thing that I've been able to find that successfully regulates my eating behavior is calorie counting. When I reach whatever caloric intake target I've set for the day, I simply stop eating, period. The feeling of being in control is great!

If you're trying to gain weight, then obviously your daily caloric intake target needs to be somewhat above your break-even value. However, to avoid feeling disgusted with yourself or physically ill, you should probably still establish a limit each day. As long as your overall diet is healthy, eating crap for any one particular meal or even for an entire day really doesn't matter much. Your body will do the best it can with whatever it gets, and both you and your body will move on.

Good luck! :beatnik:

RWF:
blue is trying to get away from calorie-counting as she is recovering from AN.. EDs are about control, and she is working really hard to get out of the ED-Control cycle of counting calories and restricting.. she is doing WONDERFULLY! and we are SO proud of her! :)

I agree with atter, overeating is part of normal, healthy, eating and binging is part of recovery. Love yourself and try to let it go.

Overeating is part of normal, healthy, eating and binging is part of recovery.
:yes:

I think you are doing incredibly well. Stuff like this is part of the process of building a new relationship with food. And I just want to say, I am really pissed off and shocked that some of the people who responded in this thread didn't take a few minutes to think about your ED and what you have been going through before they responded.

But when I binge, I get to just chew and eat without analzying every single ****ing detail.

This is a really important point you made. Once you learn to relax more and enjoy your meals, without worrying and analyzing throughout every meal, I think your urges to binge will subside. But remember this is a process, and you can't be perfect right away.

I used to binge like that, too. Sometimes I still eat certain things and I know my mind is doing what it used to do when I binged : shut off. I become distant, don't listen to what's going on around me and eventually, I get angry. When I was severely underweight, I would binge on, believe it or not, much more food than you ate. I remember several incidents where I would consume several cereal boxes and several cartons of ice cream in one sitting. I was terrified, like you, because you feel like it will never go away and that this will just turn into another disorder. As I regained the weight, I tried to trust myself and I realized I felt a little better. It takes so much time (and I am not fully recovered and I often hoard food or buy much more than I did, just because I'm afraid it won't be there), but eventually you just don't do it anymore. I know it sounds crazy because you don't even (like you said) WANT the food to begin with...but the urge to binge becomes almost unnoticable. Now that urge only comes when I am stressed or upset and I am slowly but surely learning better ways to do with it.

What I started to realize is that I shouldn't beat myself up because what was happening was just science. Things like technology and medicine have become extremely advanced, but our bodies are still reacting the same way they did when we were hunting and gathering. Your body does not want you to starve and when it gets the red flag that you aren't feeding it, it slows down. When it finally gets some food, it insists on storing it and obtaining more. This is a prime reason why when one diets, the person often ends up weighing more. Our bodies want us to have some 'cushion' for when starvation hits again so that the same problem won't occur. I know this is common knowledge, but when you really think about it in a scientific viewpoint, it's hard to argue with and beat yourself up over. I think that we all binge when we're recovering. Not always for physical reasons, either. Your mind is so powerful that it governs everything we do and so often we just need to let it take over. I think that in order for you to heal, you need to go through this.

I'm sure by now you are feeling better, but I just wanted to remind you to hang in there. It's an uphill battle, but it is SO worth fighting! I am still climbing uphill, but I am so much happier than I've ever been. I have a lot of work to do, but each day seems brighter. I know that you will be successful. Just be patient - it's a process and it won't happen in one day.

Hi bluewisdom

I don't know much about EDs, but I've read some of your posts, and I really wish you well.



Eating without thinking is NICE.

I think that this is the part of your post you need to concentrate on. When you're hungry, you need to eat (that's why people get hungry). Your body (and your mind) are just learning how to be hungry, and then get some food. It will all balance out.

I think you're doing great :)

Don't be scared to post, and ignore the 'unsupportive' posts, keep going with this, you'll be fine *hugs*

what you actuall ate during your binge was not really that much! it looks like a huge list because you list everything individually but for example that amount of choc covered cherries, nuts etc you ate i would juts grab as a handful of something as i walked through the kitchen without even registering it and i could easily eat what you classed a binge whilst watching a movie and think nothing of it! that amount isnt the healthiest food choices but if you enjoyed it (which im sure you said you did in yourm post) then that is whats important. **** the ed. thats what your doing and you should feel empowered and beautiful. you are growing back into the beautiful woman you deserve to be. its hard but you need to stay positive. keep at it :)

blue:

it's still worth considering and not dismissing. also, one of my friends who is a food addict, can't eat certain fruits because they're too sweet and they trigger various problems. One of those fruits is avocados.

so, it doesn't have to be something processed to trigger you.

seriously, look into the books. there IS something biochemical going on (as the brain is also part of our biochemistry).

Wow, I know that wasn't your intention, but that made me feel terrible.
What you wrote really hurt me. I honestly don't understand how you could say that to anyone - let alone to *me* (an ED sufferer).

P.S. I already have a serious gum habit.
:cry:


Many many apologies.
I admit I didn't look into your history of posts here.
If there's any way for a moderator to delete my post, I'd appreciate it. I should really stay out of the Dietary Issues section, since I really don't know much about it.

You have to believe I didn't mean to say anything hurtful. Good luck to you.

Coney you can delete it yourself, just hit edit and there is the option to do so.

RWF:
blue is trying to get away from calorie-counting as she is recovering from AN.. EDs are about control, and she is working really hard to get out of the ED-Control cycle of counting calories and restricting.. she is doing WONDERFULLY! and we are SO proud of her! :)

I wasn't offering her any advice - just indicating what works for me. Actually, I would say that AN is out-of-control underconsumption, and bingeing is out-of-control overconsumption. A healthy relationship with food is surely a controlled relationship (I have a background in control system engineering, so I'm familiar with systems that are both in-control and out-of-control). For example, I've managed to stay within +/- one pound of my target weight for the last 1.5 years (averaging out temporary fluctuations due to water gain/loss). My weight is (for the time being :D) "under control". This is a good thing.

I hope that blue continues to make progress! :hi:

Is anyone else a bit concerned that she only weighs 71 lbs???????? Who cares if she binges?!

Is anyone else a bit concerned that she only weighs 71 lbs???????? Who cares if she binges?!
Oh I think we all know that. But we also realize she is recovering from an ED and that she is doing wonderfully! In fact it has been stated here repeatedly.

Erm, well all the binging of this week has caused me to now be.....

76.5 lbs.


If that is even possible.

Anyway, I am now on a sugar-free diet for 2 months.
Yeah, I figure this will fix most of the issue.

Is your Dr. supervising this sugar free diet?

Is your Dr. supervising this sugar free diet?

heh, no, but I'm sure he'd have no problems with it as I have GERD (acid reflux) and sugar/chocolate/caffiene/acidic/spicy foods are all triggers to it.

I wasn't clear, I'm definitely going to still eat natural sugar (fruits) and maybe SOME artifical sugar (like 1 yogurt a day or 1/2 cup soy ice cream a day). Maybe one cookie a week.

By 'sugar-free' diet, I meant absolutely NO candy, no chocolate, no gummy bears, no candy corn, no malt balls, no chocolate covered or yogurt covered stuff.

I think you're probably still in a place where you need to discuss any changes in diet (even one like this) with your health professionals.