I had a talk with my bf today and told him that I loved him. I have never seen an emotionless face like his before. He told me that he liked me and that he needed a lot of time until he would be able to have feelings for me because his previous relationships ****ed him up. We have been together for a month now - pretty short, I know but I hoped to see at least some kind of emotion. How can someone be so cold?

I am not sure what to do. Break up with him or wait until he "gets feelings"? :wall:

It's only been a month. Give him some time to get over his last relationship.

How long ago was the last relationship?

On one hand, I agree with the above poster. On the other, people who's past relationship has screwed them up and they need time to heal, should NOT be getting into new relationships with new people.


I think basically you have to decide what's right for you here. While saying I love you to someone doesn't require an equal response (or any really...if you are saying it from a place of self-worth), an appropriate physical response would be a look of kindness or thanks, a hug...some sort of expression.

If this guy is a cold fish emotionally, you have to decide if that is the kind of person you'd like to be in a relationship with, and act accordingly.

B

his last relationship ended several months ago and he did not give me a hug or anything after I said it

his last relationship ended several months ago and he did not give me a hug or anything after I said it

Maybe he felt pressured and didn't know how to respond. How have things been up to this point?

Everything seemed pretty good. He even said once that he never had such strong feelings within such a short time ever before... I do not know. I am just really confused.
I had a really bad breakup last summer and it was really hard for me to say "I love you" again. I was just shocked that he showed no emotion at all and not even hugged or kissed me.

Everything seemed pretty good. He even said once that he never had such strong feelings within such a short time ever before... I do not know. I am just really confused.
I had a really bad breakup last summer and it was really hard for me to say "I love you" again. I was just shocked that he showed no emotion at all and not even hugged or kissed me.

this might sound dumb but, are you sure he wasn't asleep when you said this? I picture in my head two people laying in bed, one asleep and the other talking to him.

It sounds like he just wasn't ready for you to drop that bomb on him. For some people, dropping the L-word when you've only been together a month, and only a few months out of a bad breakup, would be a real shocker. Maybe he's still trying to figure out if you really said it!

I'd suggest easing off for a while and seeing how he reacts. You might have scared him. Just give him some time to sort out his thoughts.

He told me that he liked me and that he needed a lot of time until he would be able to have feelings for me because his previous relationships ****ed him up.

He even said once that he never had such strong feelings within such a short time ever before... I do not know. I am just really confused.

Those two statements contradict each other. I think there's a chance he's feeding you a line. It's probably best that you talk to him about the mixed messages he's giving you and see what he says, if he doesnt have an honest sounding answer for you, maybe you should break up with him.

That's true, astro, that's a very good point, and you may be right. OTOH, sometimes people say illogical things when they're confused about their emotional state.

I can understand being upset at an emotionless reaction. Maybe he was just scared or taken by surprise. He may not have even believed you, as bad as that sounds. I just say that because if a guy said "I love you" to me after only a month, I wouldn't take him seriously.

And if he's still screwed up from his previous relationship, do you think it's a good idea to be dating him? I agree with bethanie, in that you need to decide if this is what you want in your relationship.

I agree with those who say it's too soon.

One month? And you've both gone through breakups recently. I'm not sure how you can accurately determine you "LOVE" someone in one month's time, even if all your emotions, and his, weren't a little messed up right now...

GIVE IT TIME.

The poor guy's probably overwhelmed being hit with something so emotional, so soon. Or maybe he didn't take you seriously, as others have mentioned.

And no matter what he says, he may be feeling things inside that he's not able to communicate or express. You make it sound as if you 'deserved' a hug or kiss for making your announcement. If he wasn't feeling like that, he has a right to not react all mushy and huggy.

Relax, take it easy and SLOW DOWN... if he's worth being in love with, he's worth waiting for...

I would say that's better than him saying "I love you, too" without meaning it.

I'm not sure I agree with the premise that his response *was* emotionless. I know I wasn't there :), but to say all that about past relationships, yada yada...in a way, in think that's kinda powerful. (and he gets points in my book for honesty).

I talked to his ex-gf like one hour ago about it and she said that he was not able to say "I love you" to her after 3 months being together with her. It was one of the main reasons she broke up with him because she was tired of not getting any feelings back from him. It seems that I fell for the wrong guy :(

Okay, not to be too Devil's Advocate here (because I love hearing those words from a certain someone), but....maybe saying "I love you" is not as important as him *showing* that he loves you. If you have a good time and he treats you well, maybe that's enough for now. It seems that maybe it's a tough thing for him (because of the past relationship issues). It's great that you feel comfortable enough to say that to him, but he's not there yet.

and..talking to his ex about this = not cool, IMO.

You sound a little like me. Two years ago when my boyfriend and I started going out, I became really attached really soon. I said "i love you" to him a little after a month and he was really taken aback. We got in a huge fight and I was really upset and pretty positive he hated me and was emotionless etc., etc.
A few weeks later he was in a really terrible accident and I was there to take care of him (commutin 2 hours on a bus) every day. We started to really bond and soon enough, we were really caring for each other on a much deeper level. Anyway, my point is that it really takes time to develop those kinds of feelings. It sounds like you are very eager to know how he feels and maybe instead of expecting those certain words, ask him how he feels things have been going. My boyfriend had a hard time expressing things in words at first, but now (2 and a half years later) we are able to communicate through anything.
Are you and his ex girlfriend friends? Or did you just go to talk to her to enquire about him? I would really advise against this as it seems as if you are going behind his back. Every relationship is completely different and even though he is the same person, his feelings will vary. Talk to HIM!

I talked to his ex-gf like one hour ago about it and she said that he was not able to say "I love you" to her after 3 months being together with her. It was one of the main reasons she broke up with him because she was tired of not getting any feelings back from him. It seems that I fell for the wrong guy :(

No offense, but 3 months isn't a very long time either. With my first serious boyfriend, I didn't say "I love you" until 6 months into the relationship, and this is taking into account the fact that we'd been friends for a couple of years beforehand. It sounds like both you and his ex-girlfriend are impatient. Again, I mean no offense, but love takes time to develop. I'm not trying to discount your feelings in any way, but some people need more than a few months to fall in love. I especially don't see how it can happen if there is pressure involved. Just give him time and if it is meant to be, things will work out :)

Oh yeah and if he didn't have any feelings for his ex-girlfriend, why is he still "messed up" from his last relationship? Just because feelings aren't explicitly expressed doesn't mean that they aren't there. Just something to think about.

I'm fairly often viewed as rather cold and emotionless.
I don't know what to say.
he could just need some more time...or you two could be incompatible.

I should say, though, that some people use more discretion throwing around the word "love" than others.

ebola

Maybe it wasn't an emotionless reaction as much as it was a "deer in the headlights" kind of reaction. Dropping the L-bomb is scary for a lot of people, especially a month in.

I haven't dated for a long time because I've been with the same person for 5 years but I remember when I was. If a guy dropped the L-bomb on me before we'd been dating for 5 months or so, I'd just freeze. Beads of sweat would start popping off my forehead. After about 30 seconds of just dead silence I usually said something like "Um...thank you?"

It just really freaked me out, I felt like a cat being held too tightly. It made me want to get away.

I'd go with "deer in the headlights".

When my husband and I first started dating, he said "I love you" to me rather quickly... I think after about a month or so. I was totally shocked. I didn't know what to say at all. I think I told him flat out that i wasn't ready to say that, because when i said it, I really wanted it to mean something special. He was hurt, I know, and I don't think I said it for another 6 months. But when I said it... from that day on, he knew that it was true.... and we now say it every day. Much, much better than saying it when it isn't true, don't you think?

Quite frankly I think he did the right thing. You felt you were giving him a gift, and he returned it un-opened, so you felt slighted. Just give him time. He gave you his reason. Accept it, or you're going to hinder rather than further this relationship.

Closing the thread. It started as a gf asking for advice, but is now turning into something that is best handled privately.