This is my first time posting something like this here, I hope to get some advice from people who don't know me very well. Here is the story:

I met a guy this past summer. 1 week after we met, he had to leave town to go somewhere 1000 miles away so we kept in touch thru instant messaging. Before he left, the furtherest we went was messing around (like kissing, getting naked, and touching each other).

Last year, he asked me to go visit him. So I flew there and spend the new year with him and his friends. And needless to say, we had sex and that was my 1st time.

Now that I came back and I probably will never see him again, I feel really bad about this. I feel like that he had asked me to go visit him because he wanted to have sex with me. And I also feel like I made myself too available for him (like a slut essentially, at least that's probably what he thinks).

The most terrifying thing is that if you ask me if you would do this again, I cannot say I wouldn't. And now I have this feeling I cannot shake away. What should I do?

Hi there, welcome to VB, ihatemidwest. (I also live in the midwest, and I know it stinks sometimes.)

My first question for you is do you have religious and/or moral beliefs that impact your views on sexuality?

And the other thing is did you use protection? Condoms aren't foolproof, but they're better than having sex without them.

What's done is done. There's no point beating yourself up about it. That was your first time, hopefully it was at least somewhat enjoyable and you did it responsibly, and even if you never see him again, you'll always have a special place for him in your heart. You never forget your first guy (or girl).

That was kind of a weird topic for a first post, but hi! :hi:

Hi Skylark, I am not religious at all. In terms of moral, i dont think sex is a bad thing or anything as long as both parties know what is going on and agree to it, which was exactly what happened.

For you 2nd q, we had sex more than once. Sometimes he used a condom, sometimes he didnt. But I know he's std-free and he didn't ejeculate inside me. So I guess I don't have to worry about that.

ihatemidwest, I hate to break it to you, but pre-ejaculate (any liquid coming out of the penis before ejaculation during an erection) can have sperm in it. Also, you can't know for sure if someone is STD-free unless you know they're being honest about the results or you've seen them - from a RECENT test.

Please be mindful of this and be careful in the future, using condoms EVERY TIME. Have you had a period since?

Sweetheart,
What we think is going to be okay before we do it, sometimes just doesn't land on our hearts and heads the way we imagined. Just forgive yourself and drive on. Try to figure out what you learned from all this. Other than that, be wiser, don't repeat the same mistakes. That is about the only think we can do. Oh, by the way, I'm 55 and I still make decisions where later I find myself asking, "Self, now why did you do that?" Youth hasn't cornered the market on walking the "What Am I Doing Here Street". Life is a live and learn situation. Don't be hard on yourself.

You can't really do anything but learn from this experience. It happened and it doesn't feel right to you. Therefore you should think about what you'd rather have in a sexual relationship before you have sex again. It sounds like you may want some more stability.

And this can't be overstated enough: you must use a condom every time. He may honestly think he doesn't have an STD, but just be asymptomatic. He may have lied, he may have just contracted something recently... You wouldn't believe the messed up stories I've heard from friends on how they contracted STDs from people they trusted. Also, there's what OregonAmy already said about sneaky sperm. If nothing else, maybe this experience will get you to always use a condom. Hope so

What's done is done. Don't beat yourself up about what's happened -- just use it to move forward.

you'll always have a special place for him in your heart. You never forget your first guy

Now for even more silliness....a friend said that exact same thing to me and that is why I finally got rid of my virginity. It was with a guy I knew I was not in love with and would not fall in love with. He was simply a guy I trusted. I do not even remember his name--trust me, he has no special place in my heart. And that is why I chose him. I didn't want "the first" to have any kind of hold over my heart. I completely don't regret that choice, though I sometimes do feel a little guilty that I don't even remember his name. :D

Maybe what I really meant is you'll never forget your first TIME... unless you're sh!t-faced drunk, of course, in which case it's probably best forgotten anyway! :smoke:

It was with a guy I knew I was not in love with and would not fall in love with. He was simply a guy I trusted. I do not even remember his name--trust me, he has no special place in my heart. And that is why I chose him. I didn't want "the first" to have any kind of hold over my heart. I completely don't regret that choice, though I sometimes do feel a little guilty that I don't even remember his name. :D


What makes u trust him? And how did you get to be so casual?

You NEED to use a condom! DO NOT practice the "withdrawal" method. I think it is only 60% reliable or something like that! Having sex is fine, but BE SAFE, ok? :)

Ah, the withdrawal method. That used to be my method of birth control. My son is 4 now.

Listen, Life2K is right. A lot of times, decisions we make just don't turn out how we predicted for us. But that's what makes us who we are. Learn as much as you can from this particular instance. What specifically about all this made you uncomfortable? Sometimes it helps to freewrite a little about things, just let yourself write and write until things come out that even surprise you (I'm not suggesting you write them here for everyone, of course). Destroy the paper afterward if you like. But getting things out in that way always helps me understand myself better, and that helps me make better decisions in the future. If you do that, you can figure out what exactly you felt was wrong, and you can avoid it next time and (if necessary) forgive yourself for it this time.

PLease don't assume that just because someone "says" they are STD free it means they are. Sometimes people don't even know themselves that they are carrying something around. If I were you I would get tested asap. As far as feeling guilty, there is no reason to feel guilt. You made a decision and aren't sure it was the right one. It happends to all of us. Learn what you can from it and move on.

Oh I want to add... now that you're sexually active, please

1. go get an "annual" -- pap smear, breast exam, etc

2. at the exam, have them do an STD test for everything. It's just one extra swab anyway and they don't go anywhere they wouldn't be going or doing otherwise. Unless you have them test for HIV, which I would recommend.

3. decide on a birth control method that works best for you - and remember that bc ONLY WORKS if you use it consistently. Take the pill every day, change the patch every week, use a condom/diaphragm/cervical cap/other barrier every time, etc.

Most women do this, so please don't feel embarrassed over getting an exam or being tested for STD's. Doing the above 3 things means you're taking care of yourself, respecting your mind and your body, and being a responsible woman. :)

And don't beat yourself up over having sex. IMO, the guilt or shame you're feeling now will definitely fade over time, and now that you know what it's like and how to protect yourself, you can be better prepared for next time and feel confident that you're doing the right thing. :yes:

ihatemidwest,

I honestly don't remember now why I trusted him then. That was 8 years ago. How did I get to be so casual? Trust me; I'm not. I haven't had sex in umm.....*thinking* nearly five years now. There have been three guys total. That's not exactly casual. I just felt, that 23 years old, continuing to hold out when I didn't have plans to get married was, well, silly. What is marriage anyway? It's something created by the government and doesn't necessarily last anyway. Which brought me to the whole, why is sex supposed to be so special thing? Sure, it's better when you are with someone you love, but EVERYTHING is better when you are with someone you love! I just didn't want to bind myself by society's (relatively recent) rules on it. I still don't. But I don't "sleep around" because I'm an incredibly picky person by nature. You know how your mother always says that you shouldn't let your dog lick your face because who knows where that tongue has been (generally, the dog's privates)? Well, I tend to think, where has that penis been? And that's enough to gross me out. :D

All the preaching about STDs and condoms and stuff- is true. But what's done is done, you can go to the doctor in a few months to get an exam and tested (it can take a few months for test to be positive) and make sure everthing is ok. Probably evertything will be find, but of course you need to check.

But what positive things did you get from it? Did you have fun? Did you learn from it? Maybe it wasn't the perfect way you would have wanted, maybe mistakes were made, but you enjoyed yourself, didn't you? You don't have to classify this event as "bad" just because it wasn't exactly how you'd want it. The older I get the more I find myself having to expect how imperfect myself, others and life in general are. It can be pretty difficult!

Hi.

It's pretty normal to feel this way. How did you feel about him? Did you love/feel a connection to him or did you just lust him? Have you talked about this to him? I would recommend if it is someone you care about just to discuss it with him.

What is done is done. There is no turning back time. Live and learn. Take away something so you don't make the same mistake again.

Oh I want to add... now that you're sexually active, please

1. go get an "annual" -- pap smear, breast exam, etc

2. at the exam, have them do an STD test for everything. It's just one extra swab anyway and they don't go anywhere they wouldn't be going or doing otherwise. Unless you have them test for HIV, which I would recommend.

3. decide on a birth control method that works best for you - and remember that bc ONLY WORKS if you use it consistently. Take the pill every day, change the patch every week, use a condom/diaphragm/cervical cap/other barrier every time, etc.

Most women do this, so please don't feel embarrassed over getting an exam or being tested for STD's. Doing the above 3 things means you're taking care of yourself, respecting your mind and your body, and being a responsible woman. :)

And don't beat yourself up over having sex. IMO, the guilt or shame you're feeling now will definitely fade over time, and now that you know what it's like and how to protect yourself, you can be better prepared for next time and feel confident that you're doing the right thing. :yes:
Wonderful advice. :up:

Did you love/feel a connection to him or did you just lust him? Have you talked about this to him? :up:


I did NOT love him. That was just lust that I had. I don't think I can talk to him about this. Partly because I think he will be an asshole about it and partly because I dont think he would care how I am feeling now anyway.

I just felt, that 23 years old, continuing to hold out when I didn't have plans to get married was, well, silly. What is marriage anyway? It's something created by the government and doesn't necessarily last anyway. Which brought me to the whole, why is sex supposed to be so special thing? Sure, it's better when you are with someone you love, but EVERYTHING is better when you are with someone you love! I just didn't want to bind myself by society's (relatively recent) rules on it. I still don't. But I don't "sleep around" because I'm an incredibly picky person by nature. :D


Thats exactly how I feel!! But I was hoping him to be my boyfriend or someone having some significance in my life, not some guy i have known for 1 week and some 1000 miles away where we keep in touch only online.

well, look at it this way...your first time is over with and now, your first time with someone you love will not involve the pain of breaking your hymen. It'll be only about enjoyment. :) (another of my reasons for choosing to get it over with, with someone who didn't matter to me)

You know...I just feel it important that I mention this. I know that the Judeo-Christian POV isn't exactly popular among the majority of veg*ns - that just isn't the majority morality of veg*n culture. But we do live in the Western world (most of us here anyway), which - and DMZ, this is *not* a recent development, on the contrary - is governed by a Judeo-Christian culture and morality. Whatever our laws reflect, or our "lifestyle", or whatever, our spiritus mundi is a Judeo-Christian one, so that our subconscious is often governed by that set of morals. I think that's important to examine, because if one feels guilty for losing their virginity, where do you think that might come from? Yes, it could be because we "want it to be special", whatever. But I think we're influenced by this background morality more than we realize. It's probably wise for us to be sure of where we stand with it, both intellectually and emotionally. Do you resonate with those morals? If you do or if you don't, that's personal. But let's know what we're talking about.

Cassiel, Sorry....I meant recent in relation to how long people have been on this planet. :) Oh, and I'm an atheist and as far as I know, have always been. (can't remember for sure, but don't remember ever believing in a god)

And the Judeo-Christian culture you speak of is one reason I no longer live in America. I don't like being bound by other people's ideas of morals when I consider my own to be just as valid. (Not trying to slam you, just stating my piece) :)

Cassiel makes a good point. Even if we consciously have rejected those values, being raised in a society steeped in them certainly affects us on a deep level. I personally have consciously rejected those values as well, and I see no strictly moral reason to condemn sexual promiscuity or premarital sex (although there certainly are some practical reasons why it's not the greatest idea), but I can't help wondering how much those values still affect me. Apparently the idea that one should get married rolled right off me like water off a duck's back, because I've been 'living in sin' for the last 10 years without a qualm in the world! Ditto the idea that one ought to go forth and multiply

what cassiel and tesseract stated was really where my mind was going.

when i read the original post, the only reason i could figure that you (OP) was upset was because of a concern that this guy used you and thought poorly of you. It didn't seem that you felt badly about yourself or your decision, but that you'd hope for a different outcome (that the guy would think more highly of you).

truthfully, i don't know what the guy thinks--and the only way to find out is to ask him. That is, if you really want to know. But, i don't think that information is important.

what is important is how you feel about yourself and why you made the choices that you made and why you may be feeling this way. Even if you've rejected certain religious ideas outright, it doesn't mean that there's not a deeper, internalized element to it somewhere that is impacting you negatively (and focusing your anxieties on the other person's opinion of you). And then, once you see that, you can decide how you feel about the whole thing from a point of clarity, rather than from an assumption of what sex should be or was supposed to be or whatever.

also, are you absorbing the advice for sexual and gynocological safety and health? it is really important. if you want to live long and see your life fulfilled, then you have to take care of yourself--body, mind, and spirit.