so......i'm having this ittsy bittsy problem.

i get hungry.
so i eat.
but then i can't seem to stop.
i get full and satisfied, physically, but mentally i'm like "bring on more food."

i also crave/want 'junk' food and energy dense food a lot of the time. chocolate, chips, crackers, yogurts, puddings, nut butters, nuts, dried fruit, candy, etc.

it is SO disturbing to me...



this is what i ate today so far (not including assorted stuff)...and it's 7:44 PM right now.
this is seperated by what i ate at one sitting.

5:30 AM:
*ensure plus

11:00 AM:
*peanut butter & cottage cheese sandwich (2 slices sweet hawaiian bread, 2 tbsps pb, 1 raspberry jam cottage cheese double kit)
*19g handful of chocolate covered raisins

2:00 PM:
*honeycrisp apple

2:30 PM:
*brown cow nonfat chocolate yogurt w. 4 servs fat-free whipped cream (heh) and about 1/4 cup sugarfree maple syrup (no sugar alcohols; just aspartame)
*handful of bbq peanuts (did not measure!!)

5:30 PM:
*1 extra extra large banana
*1 generic lemon yogurt
*5g piece of 73% dark chocolate
*5g piece of 75% dark chocolate
*2 dark choc covered espresso beans (8g)
*1 choc. covered peanut cluster (I believe it was half an oz..14g)

too much chocolate :\
too much sugar. too much junk. and it adds up to 2,000 of real food. f**k.

The thing at 5:30 PM was NOT a binge, I just really craved chocolate.....I don't consider it a binge because I wasn't out of control or eating for emotions. I could stop. I was able to stop.
The problem is I didn't physically need it.

So.......how can I fix this? I'm not even sure if I have the willpower...

I'm so not going to be able to maintain my weight once I reach it.


I really want to stop drinking the ensures.
I want to stop. I want to just eat and not drink the ensures.

I mean, I'm gaining weight from ensures AND the food now, I'm eating enough real food that it is contributing to the weight gain. about 1600 - 2300 of real food a day. no restricting anymore. in fact, sometimes i eat more than i want just to prove to myself that i'm not restricting. so messed up, yes, i know..

So why not stop the ensures? I'd still gain weight.
With the amount of food I'm eating now AND the ensures, I'm gaining 2 - 4 lbs a week.
Without the ensures, I figure I'd gain 1 - 3 lbs a week.

That is really disturbing to me because I'm eating enough to gain without the Ensures.
That means if I was a normal weight right now, and eating how I am, I'd be gaining ..and slowly be becoming overweight.

THAT IS SUPER SCARY.

I am so royally screwed up.
I can't take this. I think I'm about to break.

EDIT:
I broke.
I just binged.
A lot.
Okay, I'm NOT going to purge or exercise it off (right now I really don't give a ****. I seriously do not.), but here is what I ate:

*1 blueberry nutrigrain bar
*about 4 fl oz chocolate silk soymilk
*1 slice ninegrain bread w. light benecol butter and fullsugar blueberry jam
*two bites of a coconut almond date roll (ew the consistensty/texture was like POO. grossssss)
*1 chopped date from a bag of trail mix
*handfuls of blueberry granola (probably like an oz worth)
*about 4 fl oz of original fat free soymilk with 1 tbsp toffee nut coffee creamer
annnnd to finish it all off...a diet coke with splenda (splenda gives me MAJOR stomach problems, i guess I drank this to punish myself more.)

****. That's like 700 calories. A mini-binge, I suppose, but a HUGE one to me considering I NEVER BINGE. I am NOT a binger....well....I never thought I was anyway.

Anyway, this is what I realized.
I am sick of this.
#1: I'm NOT weighing myself anymore. I don't GIVE A ****.
#2: I repeat..I'M NOT. goodbye scale. no seriously, goodbye ****ing scale.
#3:I'm not counting nor measuring anymore nor restricting nor forcing myself to consume more.
#4:I'm not going to drink the Ensures anymore. I honestly no longer need them. Honest, I swear to god.
#5:I'm going to try my ****ing hardest to eat only when hungry and stop when content.
#6:I'm going to try my ****ing hardest not to binge ever again.
#7:I'm going to try to eat healthy and stop the junk crap every day, I'll have some in MODERATION but a ton everyday isn't moderation, that is simply out of control indulgenence.
#8:And I'm going to exercise moderately once I restore my weight..how will I know? my old clothes will fit me (from 90 - 98 lbs).
#9: I'm going to start enjoying life. I seriously would rather be overweight and HAPPY and not dealing with this ****, than be thin and miserable and writing this right now.

Please do not try to convince me otherwise, please do not tell me I am making a mistake, please do not worry.
I knew what was best for me when I started to drink the Ensures, I know (I think) what is best for me at the moment right now.
Because I can't keep doing what I've been doing, the situation has changed and I have changed and my appetite has changed and I'm not the same sick fragile little girl I was at 55 lbs back in June 2005.

I'm not going to be posting my food intake anymore, because that is too triggering to me at the moment.



Someone, please help me. :(

Hey...I'm assuming you're on a designated meal plan governed by someone else? A doctor or nutritionist of some sort? I have found in my experience that some doctors are willing to work with you on these sorts of things (and trust you a little bit) and others will insist you stay on your plan. If it's just up to you, though, I would maybe stop the ensure. I'm not able to tell if you're wanting to stop it just because you feel it's making you gain "<i>too</i>" much weight or if they just aren't appealing to you. When I started to gain back weight the several times I had to, I felt it was too much too soon and so this last time, I slowed it down a bit and went at my own pace. There were some weeks I gained very little or even lost weight, but I feel like overall I was on the right path. If you are responsible for your plan, I would encourage you to take your time and allow your brain and your body to heal properly. It's so hard at first, but it does eventually get easier. Right now unfortunately, I am the same way. I really only want to eat totally dense foods to prove I'm not "scared" of them anymore. But I make myself eat healthy meals and that way I don't desire as much calorie laden stuff. It's a hard road to pave and I wish there were a real "answer", but I think we just have to figure it out in time....Good luck...you're doing great! Try and relax about this whole process!

I read and your edit and I felt like I was reading things I wrote in my private journal. It is so frustrating to eat out of control (regardless of how much you weight) and I identify with you and your feeling of just not ****ing caring anymore. This is how I get and then I always end up eating more and more because I "just don't give a **** anymore". Either that, or I make up tons of lists like I just realized you did. :\ I wish I could make it all go away, but the only way I know how is by sleeping and trying to forget (but it's so damn hard). The only thing I hope is that you will not punish yourself further or be down on yourself in the near or even distant future regarding this. I hope you feel better really soon.

Aww don't worry- your metabolism is slow now, and also, your body is gaining weight because it is underweight and it needs to rebuild muscle. When your body reaches your set weight, it will stop gaining weight and you can eat normally without counting calories. I am scared too, but my nutritionist keeps telling me that normal people eat 2200-2500 calories a day and they don't gain weight, they don't count calories.. They are normal. I hope that someday I will get there.. Your metabolism will speed up if you keep eating a good amount, and you won't gain weight once you are at your set weight.
As for not weighing yourself and stuff, that's a great idea! My nutritionist told me I should quit weighing myself cold turkey and at first it was SO hard and SOO scary but then I just got used to it. I still want to sometimes but I never give in because then I would ruin my 'no weighing' streak..
And don't feel bad about eating what you think is a lot -- your body was deprived and now it wants food. I 'binged' too for a bit and it was really scary but then I realized that my body was just using the food, sort of like medicine, to make myself better.
Good luck with everything you are doing so well and you are such an inspiration :)

I remember you posted somewhere else on the board how much you weighed, and you seriously need to gain weight, so I wouldn't worry that much about it. Also, you aren't eating THAT much junk. Its good for you to eat 1 oz of dark chocolate every day (high in antioxidents). You didn't even eat an oz of it. Two chocolate covered espresso beans I don't think count for anything, so you can eliminate that, and then I have no idea how much 19g is but I don't think thats an awful lot of chocolate covered raisins, and 1 peanut chocolate thingie is also no big deal. Bottom line -- that isn't a lot of chocolate and that isn't a lot of junk. I go through phases where I just crave chocolate and junk food, then I go through phases where I HAVE to have fruit constantly, or I NEED salad every day. Its normal for your body to go through different cravings. I find when I crave a lot of chocolate, it helps to increase my iron intake elsewhere. (i.e. more spinach, make sure I take my multi)

I wouldn't worry about your "binge" either. That's like, me deciding what I want to eat for lunch, and instead of actually MAKING lunch, just having bits of things. It takes a while for your body to readjust to eating again. I learned this after 9 days without more than a bite of food here or there in the hospital. When I got out I listened to my body, and gave it what it wanted, and how much it wanted, and now 3 wks post surgery (2 wks post discharge) I am SO much stronger than I was. For a while, I could only handle white carbs. Then white carbs and steamed veggies, then breakfast cereal with rice milk, now tonight I'm eating vegetable lasagna. It didn't happen overnight, and if I had ignored what my body wanted/needed, I would have been sick a lot longer. You have to trust your body a little. Your body wants food, it wants to be healthy, feed it! In ANYONE, repressing cravings just make them worse, so indulge a little. Try to savor your food, enjoy it, eat your chocolate, and when you're healthy again, you can say that Chocolate saved your life :)

what you're eating--the processed foods--aren't allowing your body to heal, and thus sends you into cravings for sugar.

i recommend looking into food addiction. there's a book, i think it's called "Food addiction, the body knows the way." it may shed a light on certain aspects of what's going on biologically--how your body responds to processed foods like it's a drug and thus leading you right back to binging.

i hope you find it helpful

i think bluewisdom is dealing with a whole lot more than biological issues, which are pretty much impossible to comprehend for people who haven't been there themselves.

ps - BAD BAD BAD idea to stop the ensure.

I know you think you're craving junk food, but what your body is probably really craving is REAL food.
If you have a taste for chocolate, try dipping apple slices into peanut butter or caramel (you can find it right next to the apples in most markets.)
As for chips have you tried baked ones? They make a huge variet of chips now a days.
Trail mix and granola bars are great! Just make sure you're eating the healthy ones and not the peanut butter/chocolate/jelly sugary kind.
Since you are recovering from an ED, I'm not sure your parents will go for it, but slim fast carries a variety of different snack and meal bars that are full of vitamins.
It doesn't seem like you really eat any MEALS, just a bunch of little things through out the day... try to start eating meal, snack, meal, snack, meal, snack.

I know you think you're craving junk food, but what your body is probably really craving is REAL food.
If you have a taste for chocolate, try dipping apple slices into peanut butter or caramel (you can find it right next to the apples in most markets.)
As for chips have you tried baked ones? They make a huge variet of chips now a days.
Trail mix and granola bars are great! Just make sure you're eating the healthy ones and not the peanut butter/chocolate/jelly sugary kind.
Since you are recovering from an ED, I'm not sure your parents will go for it, but slim fast carries a variety of different snack and meal bars that are full of vitamins.
It doesn't seem like you really eat any MEALS, just a bunch of little things through out the day... try to start eating meal, snack, meal, snack, meal, snack.

bluewisdom would eat full meals if she could. Like i said before, she's dealing with way more issues than those related to nutrition or biology. And I think that she knows which foods are healthier than others. And I think she's not on a ****ing diet and can eat whatever she wants.

blue, i reccommend the ED-recovery messege boards at www.something-fishy.org ...

bluewisdom would eat full meals if she could. Like i said before, she's dealing with way more issues than those related to nutrition or biology. And I think that she knows which foods are healthier than others. And I think she's not on a ****ing diet and can eat whatever she wants.

blue, i reccommend the ED-recovery messege boards at www.something-fishy.org ...

My mom was anorexic and bulimic so don't snap at me about her not being on a diet. What she needs to do is replace all of the junk she is eating with some food that is actually good for her. It is great that she's eating, but from her post it seems she is still not happy- I just think that if she were to eat a little healthier (not necessarily less food) just healthier foods, she might feel better. I agree she has other issues to deal with, it's a hard thing to beat, but every step foward is a good step.

All foods can be part of a healthy diet.

All foods can be part of a healthy diet.

You're right :) And I hope she knows that, the only thing that really catches my attention is that she doesn't seem to feel good after eating those foods- emotionally or physically (not satisfied and reaches for more) I am sure alot of the emotional part comes from her ED.
Anyway, Bluewisdom, don't mind our little bicker :lol: eat what makes you feel good and satisfied and don't worry about the calories or the amount of food you are eating.