Does this happen to anyone else here?
I seem to have upset people in the Heap, without intending to, again...:confused:
It seems on every board I've ever been on, even those for mental illness support, I fight, & I guess I get carried away & upset people, because I always get banned or demoted.
I'm not looking for pity. In rl I have the same problem too: I can't make/keep friends because I'm so aggressive or defensive (not sure which) I upset most people, except my few extraordinarily self-assured men who seem to like my strong opinions, participation in debates, determination to win, etc.
It just makes me feel like crap to think my whole life is going to be like this!!!:wall:
I just don't seem to be on the same wavelength as 99% of people, so maybe I should just stop bothering to try to communicate.
Whever I'm "nice", I just get sh*t on, kicked around & the like, & then I get worse (more defensive), & then everything starts all over again.
I want to understand what I am doing wrong & stop it, but I'm doing everything I can: therapy, Al-Anon, medications, self-help, etc. & I am still angry & feel victimized and put down.
I love this board but maybe I just have to give up on boards & friendships in rl because it's like a cycle of hurt feelings.

I fight on every board I'm on, too. Even been banned. But I'm slowly learning to just drop out of threads in which I'm fighting, even if I feel very strongly about the subject. I just don't go back and read them, hard as that is. This happened very recently here on VB in fact.

I frequently resolve to "give up" with trying to communicate on boards, because it is so difficult for me, but I end up still trying.

I wish I could give more helpful suggestions.

I'm sorry you're feeling frustrated :hug:

The good thing about the internet (unlike real life) is that you have some time to think AND type what you want to say before you say it.
Maybe if you feel angry when you're typing something, you could stop and walk away from your computer for a few minutes. Maybe that would give you time to recognize the feelings that you're feeling and where they came from, and maybe even decide if you really want to waste your energy being angry about something a total stranger said on some internet message board.
It's good training for your brain that you could eventually use in real life!

Some people love to debate and they feel energized when they do, but what good is it if it makes you feel miserable instead? Of course repressing your feelings isn't good, but taking a minute to determine if something really is worth being angry about might help.

I hope you feel better soon, I'm sending you good vibes! :sunny:

Maybe you just need more practise with your self-control. It can be hard, but once you learn it, you get better at it.

If you think you're behaving in a way you don't want to in a thread, tell yourself that you're not allowed in that thread. No matter what. Even just to check if someone responded to you.

In real life, apologize as soon as you've realized you crossed the line. Even if it's just "I'm sorry, I didn't want to turn this into an argument/debate/fight."

i'm sorry organica. it sounds like you are feeling really discouraged. i do have one idea. have you heard of non-violent communication? it's a system or style of communication that you can learn that keeps you from getting into fights (hopefully). i am actually researching it for my own purposes and can pm you some info about it if and when i get it...hang in there.

you are certainly not alone in your struggles on vb/ i notice lots of fighting, arguing etc...it's part of the human condition but i know more of a struggle for some than others.

Hey organica,

Sorry you're feeling discouraged. I like you and so far as I remember to this point you haven't offended me or said something I'd want to argue with you about. So, fights with a few people don't generalize into difficulty with *all* people. Don't be so hard on yourself; while it's good to listen to feedback from those you respect, it's also good to not be too sensitive to others' feelings about you - no matter what you do, some people will like you and some people won't - it's just life. You're especially in a hard position because you feel strongly about veganism and standing up for animals against abuse, which puts you in the minority, and therefore in a position to have disagreements. :hug:

:hi: Take a rest from the heap now and then. ((((((big hug))))))

>>It seems on every board I've ever been on, even those for mental illness support, I fight, & I guess I get carried away & upset people, because I always get banned or demoted.>>

Message boards are THE place for nastiness and an overall lack of tact.

ebola

I think nasty things said in writing have much more impact then when they are said in 'real life'. I once received an email from a friend which had some nasty comments in it, and I got very mad and upset, even month later when I reread the email. (I save all my email). So, I learned from that to always be carefull with writing comments. And, I use the edit button a lot if I think the message may come accros wrong.
I don't know if it helps, but I have never been offended by anything written by you, Organica:)

I like you, Organica and have never been offended by anything that you have said. You actually remind me of me a bit as I have often had these feelings that I do not really fit in.... I don't much feel that way anymore as I just try to be the best that I can be and that is all you can do....
Don' let it get to you.

Hey Organica,

Firstly, you must be doing something right, because you've noticed that 'something' is amiss, you've done some great analysis and you want to change whatever it is that brings the negativity your way.

That's a HUGE step, how many people wouldn't even entertain the thought that it could at least in part be something they've done/or do?

We ALL have faults (I'm too forthright sometimes, lacking a little in tact with those that may not have as 'strong' a personality as me etc. 0:), but this doesn't make us bad people!

And, holy moly, don't leave this board, if you think you're in any way that 'bad' then you may be blind as there are some really er... combative people on this board.

Just relax, take it easy, put some thought into your posts and I think it'll all turn out all right.

I like the idea of walking away from a potentially inflammatory post and coming back to reply when you're more even headed.

I'm not so sure about 'banning' yourself from threads. I think a good approach is to ask yourself whether anything productive is likely to come out of any forward/backward you might have on a board. If the answer is yes, then perhaps it's not time to give up on the communication.

If the answer is no, then yes, perhaps leave the whole thing alone.

And just because you may (or may not have) annoyed some people on VB, doesn't means the rest of us have been. Don't be so hard on yourself!

I also like to remind myself of the people on the other end of the posts. Do they have issues? are they not happy? How old are they? And make sure I realise that I may hurt them just as much as they hurt me with a less than tactful post.

So don't go, I'm certain there are many more positive things you can get from this board, and I congratulate you for your honesty and willingness to change any faults you have.

cheers!

Some people are natural born warriors. I am one of those. My biggest adjustment in my younger years was learning to keep that fire banked until proper times. The warrior type is necessary in life, but without training, focus, direction, and timing we can be miserable misfits for years. But when the time comes to defend the weak, fight the unwinnable battles, stay the course through the worse of times, take on impossible situations, that is where we shine. The problem is we aren't needed in this role more than a handful of times in our lives, so the rest of the time we wonder why we don't fit, why the things that are important to us aren't important to others. Am I making any sense to you?

Why not stay away from the Heap for a while, since that's where people tend to me their snippiest, and hang out in the support forums or somewhere else that you can participate in positive conversation? Limit yourself to saying good things. If you feel the need to say something negative, just skip replying to that post.

I totally recognize the desire to debate -- I enjoy a good debate myself -- but it seems like (based on what you've just written) you need some practice in being social without having to debate or be right. This is as good a place as any to practice some positive social skills, so why not give it a shot?

>>Some people are natural born warriors.>>

I'm not one of these...but I'm utterly convinced I'm right, regardless of whether I am. I've sinced learned to shut up about this due to concerns of tact though. :)

ebola

I use to know this guy who had something to say about everything, at first I found it really annoying but I grew to like it and actually find it interesting. I'd get especially defensive when he would act like my therapist, but learned to appreciate the insight.
I think people have to keep an open mind and remember not everyone is alike, we have different opinions and feelings, but also remember the saying "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all." sometimes that can be hard, and letting yourself express your true emotions is important. Just think to yourself 'is this really important enough to get upset about?"

>>Some people are natural born warriors.>>

I'm not one of these...but I'm utterly convinced I'm right, regardless of whether I am. I've sinced learned to shut up about this due to concerns of tact though. :)

ebola

Thanks to all who responded. You are making me feel human again, rather than like a piece of protozoa or something. :)

Life2K & ebola are both correct: I think I'm a warrior & I am also convinced I'm right in many situations, like the thread in the Heap about people who choose harmful products rather than going to hfs.

It's hard to stop fighting for what one believes is right, but I know DelicGrape is also right when she says, is this stuff worth fighting about?
In most cases, I guess it's not, but innate tendencies die hard.

Thanks again.
I'm glad at least none of you think I am being offensive or should be banned.

organica, if it means anything to you, I like you and your posts. :sunny:

Warriors aren't always convinced they are right, but they are always ready for battle. Every battle is worth fighting especially when you are young. You aren't weird. All types are needed in this world. If everyone were passive, the defenseless would constantly be run over and abused. Choose your battles and weapons carefully. We make good lawyers, social workers, policemen, firemen, teachers, but even in these areas we are known as loose cannon. But in these areas we are very focused and very effective. On our time off you will find us volunteering at animal shelters, political centers, food drives, the Red Cross, hospitals, etc. You must learn to direct that battle energy or you will find or create fights which are not helpful to your feeling of peace. I just gave you what it took 30 years to learn. Thought I would save you some wear and tear.

Don't leave. Between you and me, You, Ebola and I aren't the only warriors here. I can spot a fellow warrior a world away. They a pretty thick on the ground here. They have just learned pretty manners. Don't let them fool you. This is an excellent place to practice picking your battles and choosing your words. There is also the skill of understanding that some people you just can't change. This is a great place to learn all that. Stick around. I haven't seen you do anything horrible yet.

Don't be so hard on yourself!
I've always liked your posts, even when I didn't agree with them: they challenge me to reconsider my beliefs!
The important thing is to realize that even though someone does not share your values or your opinions, that does not mean they don't respect these same values and opinions, or value you as a person. To paraphrase Oscar Wilde, we all have to learn to disagree without being disagreeable.

obviously, it needn't be an all or nothing. the big thing here seems to be about boundaries and basic social skills. To my knowledge and in my experience, everyone struggles with this to an extent.

I also think that it's tied in with your last thingy about grandiousness vs depression. you seem to see yourself in extremes--either aggressive/defensive or a doormat, as if you can't be something in between that. You're either grandious or you're depressed, and you can't let go of one for fear of the other, and so on.

Do you get what i'm saying?

There is a middle path--one that has boundaries to avoid being a doormat, and one that respects the boundaries of others to avoid being 'too aggressive' (or whatever it is). And within that, learning certain social graces that demonstrates how you understand and respect these boundaries.

>>You, Ebola and I aren't the only warriors here.>>

Sorry to drag this off topic, but I'm pretty sure I'm not a warrior. I'm all talk. :)
More of a scientist or philosopher. I just come to odd conclusions some times.

ebola

I like your posts Organica.:)

>>You, Ebola and I aren't the only warriors here.>>

Sorry to drag this off topic, but I'm pretty sure I'm not a warrior. I'm all talk. :)
More of a scientist or philosopher. I just come to odd conclusions some times.

ebola

Having studied philosophy for few years, I recall a fair # of philosophers with a warrior streak!! Maybe you too ebola!!:naughty:

obviously, it needn't be an all or nothing. the big thing here seems to be about boundaries and basic social skills. To my knowledge and in my experience, everyone struggles with this to an extent.


Yes, I see your points zoebird. It is a real struggle for me to find that "middle ground" when I usually feel like a victor or victim.
I think I am going to fire my psychologist though, because he keeps telling me how I'm not that important (to combat my grandiosity), & that everybody's opinion is equal.
Sorry, but I believe I *am* important as an individual, & I'll never admit that all opinions are equal.
If this means I'm a pariah because I don't respect the decision to eat animal products, conduct animal torture, etc., well I guess that's just the way it is, & I'll have to get used to my small social circle.
The psychologist was saying my veganism was probably related to my schizophrenia & narcissism, & if that's the sort of sh*t I have to accept if I am to be normal & well-liked, I guess I'd rather be a warrior who defends animals & my own worth.