Help! I live in a madhouse

[raven_phyre]

Hello, I'm Raven and I'm mother to three great kids, ages 9, 8, and 2. I've been veg since I was a teenager for more reasons than I can mention here.

Here's the short version of my family life:When my older two kids were little, I was single and I just fed my kids veg and there was no one around to tell me different. Then all in the same year I got marred to a nonveg, and my older two children starting visiting their non custodial father the standard weekend/holiday schedule. I have absolutely no say in what my ex's new wife feeds my kids. The custody issue is too important to battle them over food. My husband and I were blessed with a baby of our own. I don't feed her meat but my husband does. She is healthy (breastfed for 24 months) and she is not just my child so I say nothing about it. More recently my husband's unemployed brother moved in with us. Well, this isn't a big house so there are bound to be arguments. I try to be as agreeable as I can. I love my kids more than anything. I'm perfectly fine with them being semivegetarian and letting them come to their own decisions later. My husbands loves his meat and when he absolutely demands I buy it for him. My BIL is much more adamant about his meat loving and has been making fun of me. I'm no longer the high school kid with the easily bruised ego so I ignore it. I sometimes consider retorting with the fact that he is over 100 pounds overweight and eating everything in the house(my husband excuses it because he's depressed), but I'm the better person so I don't say it. Now my BIL has chosen to fight over the issue of my vegetarian dinners. My kids sometimes complain that I don't cook pork chops and bacon and junk like their stepmother, but they ultimately know I am mom and will eat what I fix as long as it's not tofu(I still can't get the stuff nice and crispy like I'd like too). According to my BIL I need to be cooking two meals. "It's what the kids want." He insists that it is simple to cook some meat to add for them and by not giving them what they want I am forcing my beliefs on them. I explained the truth is I'm lazy and if I'm cooking and washing the pans it won't be meat. I don't care if he splits a chicken breast with them as long as he cooks it and cleans it up(he'll cook but not bother to clean it up). As long as my kids are healthy and not overweight they can eat other people's cooking sometimes so that is not my issue. I'm a full time college student and a part time private English tutor. He does nothing but get fat and stink up the place. My husband is overweight too but he is trying to loose weight so he can get off awful high blood medicine. He'll eat my meals long as it's not tofu. If my DH is nice enough to cook and he cooks meat I just eat something else because I'm not a fighter. Problem is, I think somebody is going to have a heart attack here and I'm not sure if it will be my DH, my BIL, or me just from the stress of holding it together. The only thing we seem to agree to like is my pasta dinners and nobody wants pasta every night. If you've gotten this far into my rant, congratulations. Being the only veg in a household of six, I'm outvoted. Believe me it feels pretty rotten to get no respect for your personal beliefs in your own home. How do I keep the peace without totally losing myself in the process?[/INDENT]

[Amy SF]

Well, I'm not married and don't have kids, so I can't offer any advice from that perspective (sorry!). All I can see is that your BIL has no right to tell you what to eat or what to feed your kids; he's only their uncle who gets to live in the same house with the rest of you. You need to stand up for yourself, put your foot down, and tell him to mind his own business; that you're the kids' mother and you have a right to feed them what you want, and you know you feed them healthy meals, so butt out.

And of course there's the tired old argument that feeding your kids even a semivegetarian diet is "forcing your beliefs on them". Nobody ever says that about feeding kids meat, or raising them with the same religion as yours, or whatever else you teach your kids. (I'd like to kick your BIL in the butt). :rolleyes:

[DelicGrape]

I'm the only vegetarian in my home too, which makes it difficult sometimes because not only do I constantly get made fun of by my parents, but I have to watch them put that crap in their bodies. I tried explaining to them the benefits of being a vegetarian, but they like what they eat and are in no hurry to change.
Your husband needs to support you and your decisions, isn't that part of a relationship? Remember that.
Your husband turning into a veg doesn't sound like something that's going to happen soon which you seem to respect, so he can do the same.
Also stand up for yourself, your BIL seems a bit piggy, let him know that you respect his choices and his space, but that he is living in your home.
If you have a hard time talking to him, talk to your husband and ask him to talk to his brother.
I don't think coming right out and telling your BIL he's overweight is going to help the situation, but it wouldn't hurt to sit down with him and mention the benefits of veg and that it could help him lose his extra pounds.
As far as your children go, they will make their own decisions when they are older, only a few years back I remember meeting a vegan and thinking she was crazy! So give it time, let them know they have choices, and for now just try to make your veg meals fun for them.
They are your children, so you need to do what you think is best for them.

[mazikeen]

I think you need to establish your boundaries within your own home. You have every right to feed your children what you think is best and to have your own rules around the house. Your BIL needs to learn to respect you - even if your husband is willing to let him do as he pleases, it's still your house, and he's the guest. You cannot force him to change himself if he doesn't want to (i.e. lose weight, get over alleged depression etc), but he has to respect your wishes to feed your children and run your house as you see fit. If your husband is unwilling to help, you must try to remain firm (not offensive), and eventually he'll understand that you're serious.

On the other hand, maybe pasta dinners every night might be a tad tedious. Why not try to explore some new easy veggie recipes, to keep your kids interested?

[Marie]

Tell your BIL that if he doesn't like it, he can leave. You guys don't have to let him stay with you.

[Magnus]

It sounds like neither your hubby nor your BIL are giving you respect. From your post it sounds like they are questioning, and undermining your choices for the children from your previous relationship. It also sounds like when your BIL is being disrespectful your hubby does not do much. It seems that your niceness is letting you become a doormat. Your hubby and BIL will not respect you till you make sure they know you will not stand for anything else. It is easier said then done but they need to hear from you that what they are doing is unacceptable.

It might make sense to start with your husband. Set some specific ground rules and call him on it when he does not follow through. Also have him address issues with his brother. It is great that your family is helping him in his time of need but he is really abusing your hospitality. He obviously should not need to feel like he is walking on egg shells but he also should not feel like he rules the roost too.

[totaldistractio]

Flattery, all the way.

"A few extra pounds may look good on you, but my kids take after me in that area."
(remember to smile sweetly)

Remind the household that they eat enough meat the rest of the time and if they have strength to complain, they must be healthy.

Also, explain to BIL, in front of hubby, that dinnertime is special to you and the meals you cook come from the heart and is one of the ways you express your love to your family, including him.

[timmyboy52i]

I seem to remember not having any say in what food was made for me as a child... If a meal was made for my sister and I we had to eat all of it or we were not allowed to leave the dinner table. No one said anything about beliefs being forced onto us when we were made to finish our lima beans or pork chops (yuck!). As for making two dinners because "it's what the kids want," well that's just ridiculous! Would you make a healthy meal for yourself and then make a chocolate-covered pizza with a sundae on the side for your kids because "it's what they want"? We only have a 19-month-old baby to worry about, and he LOVES tofu, so we don't have that problem with him (although we do have our own custody issues with his meat-eating father). Basically, I believe the meals that are prepared are the parents' choice, and if the kids don't like it... oh well. I bet they don't like curfews and bedtimes either.

[marina13]

i know this is kind of irrelevant, but what's with all the tofu hating? there are a million ways to prepare it, so it's likely there's at least one that your hubby and BIL will like. i got this book for christmas and was very excited when i saw the variety of recipes in it:


http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/080692957X/qid=1136481384/sr=8-1/ref=pd_bbs_1/002-9316626-8290409?n=507846&s=books&v=glance


maybe you can start experimenting a bit more and show them that eating stuff like tofu is every bit as tasty as eating meat, without all the cholesterol, fat, hormones, antibiotics, and who knows what else.

[zoebird]

well raven, you do have a lot going on.

first and foremost, i think you need to talk to your DH about getting your BIL off your back. He is a guest in your home, and it is wrong for him to harass you about your personal dietary choices. I suggest that your husband bring up his rude behavoir, and ask him to stop. If he isn't working, and he isn't providing income for food, and you and your husband are, then he has to accept your generosity and eat what you cook.

If your BIL and your DH insist on having non-vegetarian meals, then i suggest that your non-working, non-contributing BIL take the time to make the meat that he and your DH wants, without getting in your way or creating a mess.

If you feel comfortable cooking non-veg meals for them (and your kids), then may i suggest the process of 'nutrition by addition?' My husband is also an omnivore, and while we don't have children or other relatives living with us, i have started to cook for us both--which includes cooking meat. Previously, my husband cooked his own meat.

I start with a balanced vegetarian (usually vegan) base meal. Say--veggie lasagne (cheeseless, whole grain noodles, lots of fresh sliced veggies and good sauce). Then, i add to this a salad of some sort. maybe i also make braised fennel with raisens. Already, this is shaping up to be a great meal. :) But, my husband will want meat, and so i'm going to bake a chicken with italian herbs and roasted garlic (takes two hours, but you can walk away from it so it's easy) during the afternoon whlie i'm doing other things (like being on VBs!).

This way, you have plenty to eat and plenty of variety--all healthy foods--and you've just 'added' the meat to it for people who want it. And, if you don't want to prepare it, i suggest you talk to your husband about the situation as i mentioned above.

All the best to you!

[timmyboy52i]

Maybe a little off-topic... but, personally, I wouldn't be able to cook meat (luckily my fiance and I are both veggies!). I would feel horrible about myself and the look of it would probably make me hurl. I don't know how others feel about this, but I wouldn't be able to do it.

[zoebird]

<point of clarification>

which is entirely fine. i believe that if a person doesn't want to handle it/cook it, then that's their choice and perrogative.

and, if the omni(s) in the household are asking for meat, then they should be the ones to prepare it and clean up after it. If they're not willing to do this, then they should gratefully take what the person who does do the work is willing to provide.

in the past, my husband cooked all of the meat and i handled all of the vegetarian stuff. When my husband didn't feel like cooking, he ate my meal without complaints. It was made with both of us in mind--to which he could add his own meat.

i decided, for the sake of our 'team effort' that i would take over cooking the meat to make things easier for both of us. Since i have no problem doing this, it's the right choice for us. it isn't for everyone, nor was i suggesting that it should be. :)

[raven_phyre]

Thanks so much for all the suggestions. I feel bad when I don't stand up for what I believe in so I have to say my piece. I think maybe trying some new recipes will help too. I borrow cookbooks from the library, but i need more of own to rely on as well as a higher food budget. I think my kids are starting to understand why I do what I do so it ultimately doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

[Elena99]

As soon as I read the part about your unemployed BIL living there, I thought "Oh, so THAT'S the problem".

Why is he there? I've found that unemployed relatives (or friends) that move into your home until they "get on their feet" are the worst possible roomates to have. And it doesn't sound like he's helping the situation at all. Is he moving out soon?

[Amy SF]

We have a ton of recipes in our recipe section. (http://www.veggieboards.com/boards/forumdisplay.php?f=142) Dive right in and try some out! :D

[Morna]

If you find that you let people walk over you a lot (and I'm not saying you do) try getting some counseling. It can help you be more assertive without being aggressive. (Warning: often dysfunctional family members think only one person is the "problem" and are happy when that person goes to a counselor, but they DON'T like the results when that person learns to set boundaries and make them deal with the consequences of thier actions).